Need input/advice

Need some objective advice.....six weeks ago, I met, through business, a great, young guy that I was instantly attracted to. I had no idea of his age but have always dated somewhat younger men and figured he was in the range. I asked around a bit and found out he was 29 to my 42 years....a larger age gap than I have ever experienced. So I put it out of my mind.....

A couple of weeks later, he called me regarding business and we ended up talking two or three times over the next couple of days about everything under the sun. We made a frivilous appointment to discuss business for the next week and, despite his age, I was smitten.

Over the next couple of weeks, we struck up a frequent email correspondence, though we never touched on the subject of dating or spending time together outside of business. One Friday he jokingly said he wouldn't be my boy toy...unless I asked him to. I quickly responded I'd be open to the idea and he said to just tell him where and when... which he repeated several times. When I suggested we meet for a drink, he said he had plans but did not suggest an alternative. For the last week, we've been emailing feverishly...light-heartedly discussing what skills a boy toy might require, etc. Yet here comes another weekend, and he has made no mention of getting together.

Is this how these things usually go or am I just spinning my wheels? I can't tell if he's just goofing around with no real interest or if he is interested but unsure about how to proceed. I could sure benefit from others' experiences! Help!

Well my opinion is that either he is nervous and he's a little skiddish about the age gap or... maybe it is just a game......I am the other way around I am 27 turning 28 this year and my OM is 44 turning 45 .....and I know I have had doubts at first.....

I think you need to come right out and ask him..... I don't think games are healthy

You're flirting. Could be serious or could be just flirting. The hard thing is finding out which. if he didn't jump on your offer for drinks, or at least suggest a date when he didn't have plans, then I doubt he's all that serious about it. You might want to file this away in the fun flirting category.

When I met my ym, we were introduced by a mutual friend at a bar. We talked like two magpies, and the rest is history (we're engaged and have been together for 3 and 1/2 years, we're 16 years apart).

I don't know about communicating with a love interest via e-mail. I think it's easier to get an answer face-to-face. He does sound like he's really flirting, but if you have the intuition that he's interested, you should walk right up to him, make some small talk (tell him a really funny joke you got over the net) and then say, "Hey, I think we should go out for a drink and have some laughs. What do you think?"

If he says, "Yeah, I'd be into that." then you could set up a time right then and there. If he says, "Well, I don't drink," or "I'm really busy with work these days." you know that he was just flirting and nothing more. If he's a recovering alcoholic you could say, "Well, how about coffee?" but if he turns that down too, just smile and make some more light conversation before retreating to your part of the office. Lick your wounds in silence, tell no one, and above all, DON'T act differently towards him! Be congenial, and try to work towards a friendship.

I'm sorry, I re-read your post and realized you might not be working in the same location as he. It might be harder to confront him face-to-face. The other thing I realized from his reaction is, he might have a girlfriend. You DEFINITELY don't want to get mixed up in that!

Thanks for your thoughts...you may be right...it may just be flirting. However, when I first said I'd like to get to know him better and that we should hang out some time, he said, several times to just say where and when....which clouds the issue in my mind.

I agree that I need to just ask him outright...though the prospect of rejection is intimidating! I will see him all day on two different days in the upcoming week, so I guess I'll have a better feel for it then.

It's not supposed to be this hard, is it?

I don't think he's all that interested. It's a difficult call to make but I'm basing it on the fact that he did not make a move after you gave him the opening.

And he still has not made a move. You actually let him know you were interested and he didn't move forward.

So back off now. I think you have done your part to show you are interested and willing. He knows it. It's in his court now. If he asks you out then great, if he doesn't then just enjoy the flirting and erase the notion of dating.

Flirting in itself is so fun. Life would be so boring without it.

Cindy

Thanks for the perspective...it really helps!!!

I agree with the others -- he's probably just flirting and "testing" his abilitites to get your attention -- but has neither the balls, guts nor gumption to follow through (could be he's not available)

I do disagree, however, with maintaining the status quo. I think you should stop all flirting NOW. See how he reacts to that :). If you must continue to 'work' with him, do so in a professional manner and take 'flirting' completely out of the scenario.

See how he reacts to your "testing" :D

Ok,
here is my take on it. It could be that he is just like 90% of the other guys and likes to flirt. However, consider this. If he is interested, then you will most likely need to take the first step.

Here is my take on the vibe on this situation. I think he might be interested, but you will have to be direct and approach it like a mature adult WOMAN, who knows what she likes, and goes after it. Why do i say that? Because some guys are just shy when it comes to that. Sometimes the woman does need to take the lead. You like him? Go for it. Ask him out for coffee first. I say that because some folks DON'T drink alchohol, and will turn you down on an offer for drinks. However, coffee is pretty harmless (well...not really, just ask me after I've had 4 in a hour!). Ask him to meet you at Starbucks in the evening for a nice latte or mochachino or whatever. He's sure to take you up on it. If he does, do your best to dress up, or down to knock his socks off. If not, you're no worse for wear. What is the worst that can happen? He can say no? I'm sorry, but all this talk of licking your wounds, I just dont get it. So he says no. Yes it might sting, but you are a vibrant, sensual, beautiful woman who deserves everything she wants (except world domination, my love has exclusive rights to that!). I promise you that there are many YM out there, yes even in your neck of the woods who will give a left testicle to date you.

What everyone seems to have over looked is the fantasy aspect of this. Some YM DO fantasise about an OW seducing them, or something to that effect. So give it a shot and see what happens. I can promise you that no matter what happens you will walk away with your head held high because you went after something you wanted and gave it your all.

And again, this is just my opinion.
YMMV = your mileage may vary

Wow!

I had to read your post twice over two days, catch my breath, and listen to my heart pound. I had a very similar experience, and because I was so hesitant, unsure, self-conscious--it ended in a personal disaster.

I simply could not believe an incredible young colleague could genuinely be interested and have REAL feelings for me. He tried every way he could to show me and tell me. It was thrilling, exhilerating to have him come up behind me and wrap his strong arms around me and nuzzle my neck--even when others were around. He kept asking me to take him home--I pretended I thought he was joking. Finally, one moring I asked him into my office and closed the door. I asked him exactly what he wanted from me. He did not say a word, but tried to take me in his arms and kiss me passionately. I was not expecting that, and I pulled away, quite shaken. He seemed genuinely stunned! He walked out of my life forever, and I have regretted it ever since (more than two years ago). After he was gone, I realized just how strong my feelings for him really were. But he was gone, and I never had the chance to tell him how incredible I thought he really was, and how much I wanted another chance.

My strong advice to you is to GO FOR IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT. Don't waste what might be the chance of a lifetime. If, by some small chance he really is not interested, at least you will know, and you can put this behind you and move on. But give him a chance.

Wishing you both happiness,

Beth

Oh, dear...now I'm really confused. I was convinced that backing off was the right way to go and I am suspicious, now, that he might have a girlfriend....it sure would explain a lot. However, after reading the last two posts, there is something to be said for just plain ole going for it. HHHmmmmmmmm........food for thought.

Thanks for taking the time to respond...it really does help to hear objective, experienced opinions!

Yannow - all that happens if you go for it is that you hear a "nope".

Doesn't mean the sky is falling down, no one will ever love or you're fatally flawed.

It just means he's not the one.

Men go through those feelings all the time and come out the other side with their self-esteem more or less intact.

Since you asked, I did think, based on what you posted, that it wasn't really there, but you have only one way to find out for sure.

And then you won't have to wonder anymore.

Sounds like a decent tradeoff for a potentially sad night.

Nothing a pint of ice cream can't cure

:)

Didn't you already ask him out for drinks or something? I thought you made yourself pretty clear already. But what the heck - you could always try again just to be sure.

Cindy

Well, the drink thing went like this...it was late Friday afternoon when I said we would have to hang out some time. He responded for me to name where and when. Later I told him I'd like to get to know him better, and, again, he said to name where and when. (This was all done via email.) I had a date that evening but he had not called to give me the details, so I asked the YM that if my (unidentified) plans fell through was he free that evening - to which he responded his plans were filled. I think that was completely reasonable for the lateness of the day, however, he's never suggested an alternative.

Since then (about a week and a half ago), we just email back and forth, sometimes ten or twenty times a day, joking around mostly about him being a boy toy. Like I've said before, there are two days coming up - Thursday and next Monday, where we will be spending the whole day together doing some presentations. I figure those encounters will tell a whole lot.

However, I must say, after reading all of this, I feel like there is something holding him back...albeit a girlfriend, a reluctance due to my age, or some other reason. I do know that when we are together we laugh and tease and enjoy a comfort level that is unusual that I know is not lost on him. However, if we're just friends, that's okay, too.

Stay tuned....

Just ask him... straight out... and don't settle for anything but the truth and what you want to hear

Okay -- I think I am living vicariously, here -- but I'm dying to know how this pans out..........!

Just sign me,

"Never Had the Guts to Go For It" :o

Ends up a friend of mine works with the YM as well. It all came to light today when I unintentionally got in the middle of a disagreement between the two - without making all of the connections until today. ANYWAY, she has asked him in the past few weeks if he had a girlfriend and he told her he doesn't have time for one. She also said she thought if I was a little more aggressive, he'd be a snap.

Encouraging words from someone who rarely gives them, but one has to wonder....if he is interested why isn't he making any moves? I spoke to him several times today regarding this hornet's nest I accidently stirred up and he was very supportive and jumped to my corner quickly.

I'm starting to wonder if anything can be worth all of this pondering and consternation!!!

More as it develops....

You've got some days coming up when you can observe and see what's up. Sounds like you know what's up. Good luck and do keep us posted.

Cindy

Well, I spent the whole day at a presentation he was giving and it was great. I got to learn more about him and he was very attentive on the breaks and even during the presentation.

Today, however, we talked about the project we are doing Monday. I had emailed him earlier in the day and asked him to let me take him to dinner on Monday to thank him for his help but he hadn't responded. So I asked him again when he called and he said no. He's going out of town for the weekend, he said, and would have a lot of catching up to do.

Well, I guess that's my answer and it's really disappointing. Why did he even open up this door if he never intended to walk through it? What happened to the adamant "just say when and where" response to us spending time together?



:confused:

He was just flirting.

You have your answer.

Have a pint (of Ben and Jerry's) and move on .....

Sorry :(

Well that's a bummer, isn't it? But it's now out of your hands and you will still see him, yes? So here it is, he did kinda like you cause he was having fun flirting. So when you do work together I'd torture the hell out of him by being my wonderful, witty, intelligent, flirty, sexy self. There is something to be said about having the pressure lifted so that we can be ourselves and let loose. We'll make him kick himself in the bottom!!

All the best to you and remember he did find you attractive and many other men out there likely do too.

Cindy

Thanks for the encouraging words. He did call me again yesterday afternoon...it sort of feels like we can't stay away from each other....but I totally agree with you. I plan to be all the things you said...living well is the best revenge! :p

One more note, the reason that he was special to me is that I was so attracted to him. I don't seem to have a problem with men finding me attractive. I'm fortunate enough that fairly many men find me attractive or interesting or maybe both (!) that I date frequently. The problem is that rarely does one of them knock my socks off. Sometimes a guy will grow on me, but that instant shock wave thing rarely happens to me. It did with this YM....in boatloads!!

However, part of me (maybe the naive, dreamy, unrealistic, optimistic part) thinks this thing isn't completely over. I maybe wrong, but there's just a chemistry that I know is not lost on him. The important part is that I'm not expecting anything - the disappointing phase is over, now if anything ever happens, it's gravy!!!

Well, long time, no post....but there is news. The flirtation and developing friendship continued with this YM for several months before he let me know he had been dating someone...he made it sound very casual. Then a couple of more months went by and he admitted that he had been seeing her for several years. She lives out of town and he sees her rarely, but it is a relationship nonetheless. So I let things die down...and we did not communicate for six weeks.

Last week I had to contact him regarding business and the whole flirtation/friendship rekindled. When I mentioned I was going out with friends, he ended up coming to the same place with his friends and we had a blast. After several (too many) drinks, I told him how I had been feeling and we ended up sleeping together.

What usually happens next? I'm avoiding contacting him (though I need to for business) and I feel he might be feeling the same way....any experience out there?

Thanks for your thoughts.

You make it sound so sordid...I found it to be really natural and comfortable, even with the alcohol. I guess time will tell....not that it matters. It was like a fun little fairy tale that ended well and if that's all it is, well, I can live with that.

I don't think she made it sound sorid at all. Your paths crossed again, everyone went out drinking, and you ended up in bed. I would not expect anything from this.

You told him originally that you had plans one night, but that if they fell through you two could get together that night. Like he was a back up plan for the night. That sounded rude to me. DId you ever consider that maybe it did to him, as well? Maybe he decided to file you under "back up" status as well.

You can't serve up hamburger and expect him to think it's steak.

Just my opinion.

Good point, thanks.