I'm New - So I Guess It's Story Time

G'day Everyone,
First of all, you can probably guess that my username says it all. My partner and I have a 35, yes, 35 year age gap. Big gap, ay? :jaw: We live in Australia and will both be using this account (I'm J, he's A).
Anywho, I don't know why I didn't search for one of these websites in the early days of our relationship. I'm not the secretive type, but I would rather keep my age and his out of the equation - I think knowing the age gap is enough, but I will say, I am the younger one and I AM legal.

The real reasons I went in search of a site like this is because, 1. I would like him and I to be able to correspond with people in similiar situations that will not judge us by the age gap, and 2. A is feeling extremely guilty about our relationship. :(

I've tried sitting him down and telling him that he has nothing to feel guilty about because we are not alone. :dummy!: Another thing that plays on his mind is that, in the beginning, we lived in completely different states. I moved up here, leaving my family behind. It's a 15 hour car trip to see them. I have younger brothers that I miss a lot, and that probably makes him feel guilty too. :faint:

His parents are accepting enough of our relationship - mine aren't. That, no body can change except them. He also feeling that he has stripped me of the opportunity to complete further studies etc. I try to explain to him that if I wanted to, I could. :Thud:

I was hoping that someone would be able to help me convince him that it's not his fault at all, as I am old enough to make my own decisions and make my own mind up. He didn't drag me away from my family and friends; I left willingly. :walksmil:

At present, he is pretty iffy about our whole relationship. I don't want to lose him because he's my whole life and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Amongst other issues, I believe that this issue is by far the biggest. He will be reading this and your responses, so please, no criticism. I think he needs to hear that he's not alone, what he's doing is okay and that he shouldn't feel guilty about what I have done. We really need the support of people who have been or are in the same shoes as us.:kiss2:

Thank you for reading this and I look forward to your responses. We need your opinions in order to get our relationship back on track and back to normal. :grouphug:

- J

Ther is no guilt in love as long as you treat each other well. I have a 29 year gap, me 33 hubby 62. Been married 6 years in March, moved here from 15,000 miles away.

We have a huge age gap and a happy healthy marriage. Good luck to you both and take care of each other.

Decent_Hostess,
I'm feeling relief already! :yay: To be honest with you, there is no where I'd rather be than with him. We've had some mighty good times together thus far! :Pillow_Fight: I would love to marry him one day (even have kids maybe). He's the most genuine man I have ever met and I don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be so lost. :confused: Thank you for your input - you've already made my day! :bgrin2: I hope you make his! Good luck to you and yours in the future!
:thanks: - J

Hi! I have a huge age gap as well, 30yrs. February will be our 8th anniversary. We moved in together 19months ago and we are planning to get married late 2008 or early 2009.

We have a wonderful relationship and my sweetie has never doubted the feasibility of our relationship. I had a lot of doubt in the beginning, but now I can't wait for the rest of my life with him.

The age gap will only be an issue if you let it be one. Just take one day at a time and talk about the practical issues that you are likely to face as a couple. Be sure you are on the same page when it comes to children and retirement. And as the younger partner be sure to consider that you will most likely be a young widow or might have to care for your partner. Once you have thought about theses things and you are sure you want to be with each other, then enjoy your relationship.

I'd rather have 10/20 years with my sweetie than never to have experienced a fulfilling and spiritual connection like the one we share. We are committed to facing whatever challenges that await us in the future as a couple.:)

PS. You might want to use one color when you post as some people might have difficulty reading your colorful posts.

Happy New Year when it comes:)

Two quick questions : What's preventing you from completing further studies?

How long have you been together?

GoodChild,
Sorry about the colours - got a little carried away. :blush:
We have a few issues - the biggest one is that he doesn't believe he loves me as much (or the same) as he did in the beginning. I've tried explaining that it was more than likely going to slow down eventually anyway. I think the beginning was a little too fast - that could be a problem. We were jumping in bed with eachother every 5 seconds. I knew that would slow down, but that didn't disappoint me or scare me.

I know deep down he loves me, he's just confused and feels alone. :banghead: I've pushed him too hard on ocassions - such as alcohol and smoking - asking him to quit and/or slow down. I've taken a step back now because I feel that I had started to break us apart. :hide:

Most of all, I think he has trouble looking himself in the eye via the mirror and believing that loving me is the right thing to be doing. I try so hard to reassure him that everything is great, but I think he needs the support from strangers in similiar situations - YW with OM and OM with YW. I would like to see him use this site whenever need be and be able to talk to some mighty supportive people. I believe he can and will.

Thank you for your post and I look forward to more! :yay:
- J
(aka YW)

Hi Again,
#1: Nothing is preventing me from further studies. I just don't feel as though I'm ready to go there just yet. But he feels as though he has ripped the opportunity out from under me. I may be ready in the new year - who knows. I'll see what happens. I think once I do get back into it, he'll be mighty relieved.

#2: We have been together about a year and a half or so... living together for around a year.

Thank you for PMing me. I did infact read this the other day and had intended to reply when I thought of something suiting. Alas, I'm not in a relationship with my OM, I just finally got the kiss out of the way as I'm sure you read. But here's what I think I would be inclined to say if I was in your position and had to try to show him he has nothing to feel guilty about.

I would pose the fact that I'M HERE b/c I want to be that he didn't force me to do anything.

That people fall in love with people for WHO they are not their age or race etc.

That love can see things through, no matter how difficult they may be.

What's right will always find a way.

That I don't care what anyone else thinks of us as long as we are happy with eachother and we fulfill and complete one another. People should stop being so gossipy and nosey. The nay-sayers are the ones who are just jealous b/c you and him have something wonderful and they maybe are too narrow minded to understand that, and that's their own fault (or their parents) and not yours.

Simply being outright and saying that you're not dumb or naive, you KNOW you could have picked other guys, you know he could have picked other women, but you CHOSE eachother...., for a reason! I believe that things are meant to be for a reason, that maybe this is something in your souls journey that needed to be experienced to learn those all important "life experiences" and those are different for everyone b/c we're all on our own journey... and we do not accidently meet people or fall for them, that it was all prearranged and we are all here in one way or another to learn and grow for ourselves and the people around us that we brought into our life are there for the same and to aide us. Sorry if that sounds preachy or what not, but to me it validates my feelings that there's a reason I fell for my guy, and there's a reason you fell for yours and that there is NOOOO reason NOT to be together! If you weren't supposed to find eachother and be together you wouldn't have.

You love eachother, make the best of whatever time you have! Even if it's not forever (b/c we really don't know that logically) but for whatever time you have, there should be no guilt there should just be acceptance that this is what happened and if something makes people happy and does not hurt anyone why would you want to question it? You will complete your education when you're ready (I'm in a similar situation there too, I want to do it but it's difficult and I need to be ready emotionally and psychologically, b/c I've gone to college and dropped out twice, LOL, it's not that I'm not capable or intelligent, it's just I wasn't ready, you know?) So you should make sure he knows YOUR reasons have NOTHING to do with him! That's just absurd!

But I did read something that bothered me.... he told you he was questioning if he loves you as much as he did before... that doesn't sound good to me, and I wouldn't just blow that off. I think this is something you need to SERIOUSLY address, b/c if that's the case, then obviously this could be where his guilt is stemming from. Best of luck! Keep us updated!

Greeneyedlily - I think you've hit the nail on the head when it comes to the truth about the way I feel etc. As for him saying that he doesn't think he loves me as much as he did anymore, I have definitely not ignored it. In fact, that's one of the reasons we searched for these sites. I guess I wanted him to realise that we aren't alone and that there are people out there that have nice things to say about our type of relationship.

In the early days of our relationship, I was very much care-free (by that I mean, I wasn't bothered by any of his habits). As time passed, I decided to say something (as I have every right anyway). I asked him to quit smoking and cut back of his heavy drinking. He agreed and did so, but eventually he struggled so much (and didn't tell me) that he ended up taking every opportunity, when I wasn't around, to smoke and drink heavily again. He didn't just lie once, he lied too many times to count. At the time, I got so angry at him and blamed him for everything but eventually I began to realise that I was putting too much pressure on him for him to be able to tell the truth. He didn't want to upset or disappoint me.

Now I am taking a step back from it all. He is doing quite fine on his own two feet. He still smokes - not as much mind you - plus he doesn't smoke in the car or in the house. As for the drinking, the only thing I asked of him was to drink light beer. There are many reasons behind that, one of which is that he has Type 1 Diabetes. Back when he was drinking heavy and couldn't help himself, he'd get drunk and then I was torn between whether he was drunk or was having a Hypo (low blood sugar level). I use to panic something chronic. Also, if he was drunk and having a hypo at the same time, he could get violent (which made it hard to help him). I know that's not his fault as such - drinking light would have decreased his chances though.

But there you have it - our main problems are his guilt, the lack of acceptance (especially family-wise), the pressure I put on him to quit smoking and to cut down substantially on his heavy drinking.

He seems to rely too much on his previous relationship history to try and predict how badly we'll fail. I've told him, "I'm not going to be another one of your statistics - I'm here for the long haul". He tells me, "But have a look at all my previous relationships... they have all failed". I reply, "And so have mine - and every other persons on this earth..."
I think he searches for a justification to suit everyone elses opinion rather than just justifying his actions with the fact that he loves me. It's right there in front of his face, and he doesn't even realise it.

- J

Ok, this is NOT good... my ex's father had diabetes and would become especially violent when he was in a reaction.... your OM NEEDS to stop drinking and smoking before he kills himself.

My mother was a diabetic who didn't take care of herself, she smoked since she was 16, she did not follow a healthy diet or exercise regime and she died 2 years ago at the age of 47. I truly believe with ALL my heart if she had taken care of herself better she'd have still been here, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep on him to quit those bad habits, and occasional drink is fine, but really, honestly, I don't want anyone to go through what my mother went through or my ex's father, or the families that have been affected. They both could have lived longer, healthier, more productive lives had they chose to look at the other side of the coin and take head with a better life style.

I can now see why he feels guilty, as those are all things any normal person (when not under the influence) would absolutely feel remorse over. He should not hold your relationship in comparison to his others or your others, you are different people and the people you were with before were different people, and everyone has a story about why things didn't work, and while sometimes history repeats itself, it doesn't always... and maybe his lack of confidence in a relationship and bad habits are what jeopardized the others.

Greeneyedlily - Been there, tried to tell him that, but a habit is a habit I guess. I've never smoked in my life (thank God) and have never been an alcoholic (not that he's THAT severe!), so I guess I can't understand...? A is a grown man, and like his mother always says to me, "If he wants to kill himself, let him kill himself". I'll never be the kind of person to turn around and say, "I told you so!". When he decides to give up smoking completely, I will support him 110%. He has done a fantastic job cutting his cigarettes down - same with his drinking (only light beer now... not everyday and usually only one or two).

I agree with you on the previous relationship thing. He (and I for that matter) need to focus on the here and now, not the back there and then... that's long gone.

By the way, Happy 2008 to you, Greeneyedlily! :bgrin2:

- J

i see nothing wrong,if you love him and he loves you then y do u need ferther help,i think you two should just get on with your lifes.:tongue2:

Honey...there is no age on love! You are not alone! My significant other and I have a 33 year age gap...I am 21 and he is 54. We know other couples with 12, 17 and 35 year age gaps who live together. We do not live together YET....It's not about what society or your family thinks as long as you two have the best of intentions (to love and accept one another as you are) and there is no sort of power struggle. In the relationships I mentioned including mine also the women are ALL younger and had a strong sense of what they wanted when entering. I simply could NOT date men my age because I had a tendency to want to mother them and guide them. My guy is already established and knows what other goals he wants from life...I am somewhat of a free spirit and have began to work towards goals that I had for awhile set aside. Since we began dating he helped me take my goals off the shelf and he has loved me unconditionally...making no attempts to change me, only encouraging me to do what's best for me. If later down the line what I think is best for me does not include him he is okay with, he says. We are enjoying the journey one day at a time.

I wish ya'll all the best. And you are NOT alone whatsoever!

Love

Honey...there is no age on love! You are not alone! My significant other and I have a 33 year age gap...I am 21 and he is 54. We know other couples with 12, 17 and 35 year age gaps who live together. We do not live together YET....It's not about what society or your family thinks as long as you two have the best of intentions (to love and accept one another as you are) and there is no sort of power struggle. In the relationships I mentioned including mine also the women are ALL younger and had a strong sense of what they wanted when entering. I simply could NOT date men my age because I had a tendency to want to mother them and guide them. My guy is already established and knows what other goals he wants from life...I am somewhat of a free spirit and have began to work towards goals that I had for awhile set aside. Since we began dating he helped me take my goals off the shelf and he has loved me unconditionally...making no attempts to change me, only encouraging me to do what's best for me. If later down the line what I think is best for me does not include him he is okay with, he says. We are enjoying the journey one day at a time.

I wish ya'll all the best. And you are NOT alone whatsoever!

Love

Wonderfully written Noiraelle! I whole heartedly agree! :yes:

I understand all about large age gaps... my OM and myself are 32 years apart.

I think the biggest problem with a large age gap in these situations is the life experience that the younger person has had in their relatively short lives so far. Sometimes the older person can be too controlling...not that they mean to, but they've "been there, done that", so they feel a desire to "help out" their younger partner.

When I first met my OM (a bit over 8 years ago), I'd just come out of an 8 year marriage. My first husband and I were only 9 days apart, went to the same JR high...and then met again in college. We did lots of growing up there (9 years worth!), and then got real jobs after school. After 2 years in the "real world", he decided he needed someone else, so we had to sell the house and start over. By the time my OM came on the scene, my ex and I had been apart for about 6 mo.

I met my OM at a western dance club. He and I dated for a while...then he got the first bit of "Oh Goodness...she's WAY too young, and needs to have babies to be happy in life". It took about a year, and a few times of him walking out the door (and me writing long, heartfelt letter to him), to get him to realize that I wanted a life with HIM, and that I didn't need babies to make me happy.

We've been living in western CO for almost 7 yrs. now, and will have our 7th wedding anniversary in Feb!! It's been an interesting time...but I love my OM so much! Yes, it's hard at times not being around many people my age (this small 2,000+ people town is FULL of the "Old!")...but I really do enjoy my life. I think I would be more stunted in my overall growth if I hadn't been married once first. As a fresh-eyed 21 year old, I think I wouldn't have developed my own personality fully---just because my OM has a very strong personality. I think you're more eager to please your partner when you're younger...but if you want a relationship to last, you need to both approach things where you're truly equal partners. it's a hard mindset to acquire, if you haven't had much life experience on your own.


As for family...his kids are older, so we don't see much of them at all. His parents are gone (I disliked having inlaws when I was married the first time). My dad was awkward with my OM..still is a bit...but I hardly see him, as he's at the east coast. My brother & sister were leery..but have learned to like him. My mother (10 yrs younger than my OM) was unsure at first...but now she's always telling me how "spoiled" I am!! I miss my mom & sibs...but a 7 hr drive isn't too bad these days. Time changes many things...including some people's perspectives on things.

The only thing I didn't like about your post was the fact that "I don't want to lose him because he's my whole life and I wouldn't trade him for the world. "
No person should be your whole world!! I thought that way when my first husband divorced me, but I forced myself to go out into the world again, and I know I have things beside my husband to keep me happy. =) You certainly have to be happy with the way your life is....your spouse can't make it happy for you. I wouldn't trade my husband for anything now either...but realistically, I know that the odds are he'll pass away before me. So, while I love our relationship, I have my own strengths so that I can live life without him, if I needed to.

I hope all will work out in the end for you both. Life is hard at times...but it's also filled with good things and many experiences that broaden your horizons. =)

Keep smiling!

When John started throwing out some age-related stuff I knew exactly what it was...intimacy issues disguised. We had already talked over the children issue, goals in common stuff...so, where was this coming from? Fear, fear, fear. He was looking for a back door "just in case". Just in case what? I don't know, just in case he needed to run.

So I said to my wonderful HunnyBunny..."I don't feel that way."
Whenever he brought up an issue, I met it with, "I don't feel that way."

Then after about three of these in one month, I said,
"Why are you trying to build exit doors in our relationship? If you want to go, you can just go out the front door."

I never heard a word about "age appropriate" again. Lol! :no:

Age gap relationships can work, as long as you are committed to your partner and share your fears and your doubts you can work it out. It's not unusual for people to think back and wonder whether or not you are doing the right thing, but only us know what that is. I can understand how your OM is feeling, mine just told me yesterday that he felt he was takig me away from so many things, that he was holding me back. Our OM have their own concerns and so its a good thing that J gets involved here. When I first joined I was at wits end too, I felt there was nowhere I could turn that people would understand and help, but the members of this site do care and are supportive and make people like us feel better each day.

Good luck!:tongue2: