Not really an age gap question...

but something I need to think about for my current relationship.

Does anyone have positive or negative experiences to share about bringing in your significant other to your kids lives? Has anyone been that significant other? I am currently dating a divorced guy who has two kids. He and his ex share custody and he has them about half of the time (currently half of the week due to work). What have been the pitfalls and the joys? Any suggestions? I can see this relationship totally working out and I want to go into it with my eyes open! Thanks for your help!

Onetiger,

What are the ages of the kids? How long have they been separated and divorced? Is the mom remarried or dating?

Cindy

and has liked them all but one...he has been friendlyand polite...my middle son has been very gracious, and these sons are YM themselves....17 and 23...however, my oldest son 25 has refused every time to meet any of my dates ...his comment is that he can't handle this unless we are ready to tie the knot...none of these guys has been a bf except one a while back...my problem has been that most men can't handle women with kids...Hadley

If I could just throw a word or two in...

I dated a woman that had two children. I was 21 at the time, she was 43 or 44. She had two children. A daughter who was 16 or so....and a son who was the exact same age as mine...

The daughter liked me being her mother's friend, but hated the fact that we had a relationship. The son? Quite frankly? He wanted to beat the ever loving snot out of me...

Ultimately, this all was one of the factors that ended the relationship. I understood that and respected that...and, in a strange sense...it made me love her all the more because I saw how wonderful of a mother she was...to put her kids before anything else. It made me respect her tremendously...and, to be honest? I would of really been saddened/dishearted had she put me/her/us in front of her children...

I just wanted to throw that in....just as a side note.

~Dan

If I had let others decide on my past relationships, I never would have had any. Children who run their parents' lives turn the parents into doormats and don't want their parents to have a lives. I make my own decisions about whether I love a man or not and want him in my life. I love my sons, but they have their lives and I have mine. The only way I would stop seeing a man is if he were jealous of me loving my own children and verbally intimidating to my son/s. And there are such people like that out there. Hadley

I was seeig an OW not too long ago. her 43, me 29
kids: 9, 12, 24 - older son in another province on his own

she wouldn't tell her kids about the extent of our friendship for fear that they wouldn't like it. For that matter, she wouldn't tell anybody about "us". Everytime I suggested we come out in the open, she'd come up with some excuse why we couldn't "right now". I hung around with her for 8 months like this. Eventually she told me that she couldn't have a boyfriend, too much other stuff in her life.

I love her kids, and they worship me. But now I don't come over anymore (which is a whole 'nother story), they wonder why, and miss me a lot. I feel badly for them, caught in the middle. I find that actually I have more feelings for her kids than I ever did for her, they never gave me the runaround.

over OW/YM...they let fears control their thoughts...it might seem cold hearted, but I stopped crying over this type of thing about 4 yrs ago...one can only spend so much wasted time on the past that doesn't go right...if she is not out of the closet, then she won't ever come out of the closet...it takes personal risk to love someone else and feel good about it no matter what another thinks...Hadely

I have an 11 yr old and a 7 yr old - both boys. Both of my children are very attached to their father. And introducing a boyfriend into their lives has been very sensitive. They don't want to be disloyal to their father so they have been very slow to warm up to Greg. We haven't rushed it either.

It's really getting better now though after two years. Greg and my ex, Tony, will frequently be at the same event over at my home. The children see their interaction and are beginning to accept that their daddy will be ok. If Daddy and Greg like each other and talk then it must be ok says their little minds.

I've said all the stuff you're supposed to say: No one will ever take Daddy's place. Greg has said it too. But still it's taken us a long time and we're still not there.

But I must say that I am very sensitive to the needs of my children and to their slower acceptance of my boyfriend. I understand that things don't necessarily move at my pace and I consider the emotional pace of my children. However in deference to Hadley, I admit that it is a fine line between letting the children control you and moving at a pace that is emotionally appropriate for different people (children). Hadley is so right about it but it is really an individual thing - I mean each family dynamic is different and you have to consider that.

With regard to coming out in an ow/ym relationship - heck Greg was soooo slow to come out. If I had based is love for me on his coming out _ I'da been gone long ago! Again it is an individual thing. It's been two years and I am just now meeting all the friends. I'd met one or two, but now I've almost met everyone. I still have not introduced Greg to all of my extended family. Last Christmas I decided not to bring him to my extended family celebration - I decided not to because I was afraid - and because until we are formally engaged or actually married I'm not bringing him to that level. Weird huh?

Each relationship is so different - but ours is moving along and we are talking about marriage alot and trying to figure out where to live with two boys, two dogs, three cats, a huge boat, several offroad motorcycles and three cars. We each own our own home but neither is big enough really. Probably sell our homes to buy a bigger - we're just not there yet!

Good luck onetiger. You're a counselor in a school, right? You know all about respecting children.

Cindy

I think the relationship you have with a partner's children (whether it be his or hers) has a lot to do with how that partner's ex- figures into the picture and how the kids were raised.

If the ex- is supportive of their ex- dating -- things generally work out okay, and the kids will have a healthy attitude about their mom/dad dating.

If not.... :(, that's when you generally run into trouble. The kids are brainwashed to believe that you are 'evil' and will treat you accordingly....

Good luck :p