"For better or worse"...

Well, it was one heck of a "holiday season" 'round these parts.

Without getting into all of the gory drama, the upshot of it is that my OM now has to deal with A LOT of crap. And, to get right to my point in making this thread, I simply don't know where I personally stand with it all.

I am a firm believer in the idea that people's true colors come out when their back is against the wall. Pin someone back, and the honesty comes pouring through.

I suppose the positive end of all of this is that I've seen from his side emotions flowing toward me that I *knew* were there all along (over two years now), but just never saw outright until now. And, yes, I appreciate that. But....

I'm me. And, often times, I am WAY more concerned with others than I am with myself. I never really questioned the idea that I would stick by him, and do what I can from across the border. But, there has been this nagging voice in my head over the past couple of days that makes me wonder about all of it. My initial reaction was the "for better or worse" thing....but, that VOICE, saying to me "mishigas, he's not really committed to you over these past two years, don't put yourself out so much for him now".

I feel horrid for even thinking this way.

Maybe if I "truly loved him", I wouldn't be feeling this way. Or, more probable, maybe if he actually had shown his emotions over this time, I wouldn't be feeling his way.

GAH. I just don't know. I guess I'm just venting here. Silly OM and their "baggage".

I hear ya. Baggage does suck. Hope things turn out better for you.

I hear ya. Baggage does suck. Hope things turn out better for you.

Thanks. :)

Mishigas is good to vent... You posting was very vague and I do not know if you want to share specific details with us, it is up to you. But regardless what we tell you, or how much you share with us, it is up to you to know which way you are going, your gut is telling you something, listen to your instincts...

BTW in most relationship there is always one partner that gives (loves) more than the other, and it usually tends to be more the female than the male...

I wish you the best!

[QUOTE=ALTARUBIAGUAPA;544240]
BTW in most relationship there is always one partner that gives (loves) more than the other, and it usually tends to be more the female than the male...

I wish you the best![/]

I didn't give details, because, quite frankly, I don't think that they really matter here.

I suppose, maybe I should listen to "that voice". Probably at the expense of losing this relationship.

*shrug* I just don't know with it.

Well,
When I am in this place I start the personal inventory.

1. "Is this thinking coming from fear or love?"
2. For me it is usually fear, so then I ask myself, "what am I afraid of?"
3. When I have the answer I ask, "what has caused this feeling to manifest?"
4. At this point, I keep still it about me. It is not about blaming my partner. So it might mentally sound like..."I reacted like (describe behavior/feeling) when this happened. I did this (describe behavior/feeling) when I felt this from my partner." My reactions are my responsibility. I can give power to what other people say or do...or not. When my partner does or says stupid stuff, it is very rarely about me. It is his stuff, his issues, etc. They aren't mine (I have my own!)
5. By separating his stuff from my stuff, it helps me clearly see the situation better.
6. Then I can say more honestly what's going on about MY feelings without blaming him. I may identify behaviors that contibute to my feelings, but I try really really hard not to blame. After all, I am responsible for my feelings and responses to my feelings, no one else has that power over me.
7. After sharing this stuff, my partner may or may not make changes. usually, he makes tiny adjustments over time. I accept this. Sometimes, there are set backs.
8. If there is no acknowledgment over time and the behavior keep happening, I remind myself, "I spoke to this issue calmly (good for me, build major esteem!), and I don't have to repeat myself 1,000 times or demand or convince. He heard me just fine (and clear, calm communication is key.)
9. I will take the response or non-response from him as information which will lead me to the next best decision for myself.
10. Freedom from my own fears. I can take care of myself responsibly! :yes:

Big hug! Hope this helps in any lil way!

Thanks for your words, Rebecca.

I've read them through several times, and have really started to think about all of it.

I just think back on this past week, continually. I've gotten over my own guilt for the situation, but the way bigger issue is what's going on between he and I.

Over the past week (and, granted, we were together for most of it), he has been well, "not him". Aside from everything else going on, he has not "been himself" with me. And, no, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

*sigh* Sorry about the rambling here, but obviously, I'm trying to figure it all out myself....

At the risk of being a total fool for trying to think about what's going on in his head, I think that I've pretty much nailed it. And, here goes:

We've been together for 2 years. He's 25 years older (married twice). I moved to be closer to him last August. From the start, he's been very guarded with his emotions. And, yes, I have accepted that, because I have seen all of the other things that make me believe that it's just the "way it is". He loves me, I'd wager my last breath on it. But, all of his own "mishigas" has been holding him back.

Now, fast forward to last Friday, when all of this crap came down. From that point, I do firmly believe that he's seen what happens when I'm with someone and they're in trouble. I DON'T bolt and I don't crumble. I guess, sometimes to my detriment, I stick by people. That's just me. Funny thing is, he always talks about just "being him", and here's one point where I can truly say "yup, this is ME, deal with it".

And, yes (this is where I'm really getting into his head), he has seen that. Am I THAT different from other people that he's known in his life? Am I that different from everyone else in the world? Even if we were not as close as we are, I couldn't imagine having abandoned him....

So, that's what I've been thinking about. All of a sudden, on Tuesday night, he comes into my living room, and asks me just to come to bed with him, and "be with him". He came in actually asking, "now, why do I feel like crap that I went to bed and you didn't come with me?". Is the silver lining of this completely unfortunate, annoying incident the fact that he finally sees what *this* is?

Rebecca, I'm not sure that your words, sage as they truly are, apply here. But, then again, I'm not sure of much at this point.

I've looked, for about 2 years now, at the situation, as far as *I* am concerned. And, honestly, came to the conclusion about 6 months in that I'd have to just let him see things at his own pace. Sure, I'd "take stock" at regular intervals, but I knew that I couldn't force anything. And, now, this turnaround. Maybe I should just take it for what it is?

Hi--I have to go to bed, exhausted..back to school.
Curious though...how much rela conversation do you to share? Do you really talk about your issues?

Just keep on taking very good care of you! :)