I'm a mess

I need some opinion / advice from people who would understand this.

Since last summer, I've been seeing this man - I'm 21 & he's 46. The biggest issue was that he's married, with 2 kids (who have left the country for over an year, but they're not seperated in case you wondered). Please don't judge me, and hear me out. Neither of us expected to like each other that way, let alone dating, but we did, and we'd slept with each other once. After that time, we'd promised each other we wouldn't sleep with each other again.

I left after a month to go back to varsity and I thought that long-distance wouldn't work out, but surprisingly, we sms each other almost everyday, and we would talk on the phone, increasing in frequency as time went by, from initially once every 2-3 weeks to once a week. After 4 months, I went back home and the next day was my birthday, and we had planned to meet up. He surprised me by cooking me dinner and that night, we ended up sleeping together again. We meet up 2 other times, and on the last time we met again before I left again to go back to varsity, he slept with each other again.

I know it's very irrational of me to keep this relationship, but I really do love him, and since we've been together, he's been a major emotional support to me because I've been going through a lot of problems with friends and family. He's been exceptionally sweet to me, but often I can't help but wonder what's on his mind. Am I just a random play to him? But all his actions are suggesting otherwise, or am I just fooling myself with my own feelings?

I'm so confused.

Situations like yours are always complicated and someone always gets hurt. In many cases, no one emerge unscathed. As much as you are emotionally entangled right now, you do know how to solve your problems. Write down all the positives of your affair with this man and all the negatives. Write down your advice to a friend who is in your situation based on the characteristics of your affair, then follow your own advice. You have your own standards so you definitely know what you should do.

This is not an age gap problem so I doubt you will find the support you require here. There are many Internet forums that can help you find your footing.


All the best and may 2008 bring you clarity!:yes:

There are many here that have felt the burn of infidelity, so it'll be hard to get support for your situation without some harsh criticism along the way.

I like what was said in the post above. You also need to try and step back objectively and ask yourself how you would feel if you were his wife right now. I realize people's situations during divorce/separation vary...but it speaks volumes of a man(or woman's) character as to how they handle it. Every situation is different, but adding lies and deceit to the plate isn't a healthy way to deal with it. It is however, a way to stay in denial and run from dealing with issues at hand. He really needs to cut ties, clean up his mess and close that chapter of his life before he drags someone else's heart into the emotional muck.

By not doing so, it's selfish of him. Lust is powerful and the need to connect sometimes makes it so tempting...but honey, you deserve all of him. Right now, his wife still has part ownership until he's officially divorced and living separately. Don't sit around waiting for this man's crumbs. Tell him, call me when you can offer 100% of yourself to me. If a man can lie to his wife(separated or not) to be with me, I'd always have to wonder how easy it would be...to lie me. Just my .02 cents.

I will try hard not to judge you :)

Put yourself in the other womans shoes. If it were your man and you found out how would you feel?

I realize you love this man but he can't have his cake with frosting and eat it to. Your a mistress ..plain and simple:( It won't go anywhere. He can be there all he wants but is he really ALL there for you...no

Here..listen to this song...sums it up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3-poY3e9UU

I am sure she might know there is something going on..Most wives do. I know I did and I been on both sides. When I was 18 I had an affair with a married man for 5 months. I could not take it anymore. My heart got shattered. The one thing she said to me is * one day you will get married and your man will do this to you* well Karma bit me. My ex was sleeping with my sons ex girlfriend and left me for her*

In the long run you have to ask yourself. Do you want to be a side dish or do you want to be with someone who gives his heart and soul only to you:) The choice is all yours. Continue it or end it and find someone who will love all of you and give all to you

You know GG, it's funny how a song will pop into my mind sometimes. This post made me think of the song "Stay - by Sugarland"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIyxkZod2cM

I just think it's unfair to the one left on the outside looking in and selfish of the one who's living straddling both sides of the fence. To the original poster, hold your head up and demand all or nothing. If we make the choice to settle, then we'll never get what we deserve.

Speaking of "settling"....check out her more upbeat video called "Settlin" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjBrZ8L2Z5Q

You know GG, it's funny how a song will pop into my mind sometimes. This post made me think of the song "Stay - by Sugarland"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIyxkZod2cM

I just think it's unfair to the one left on the outside looking in and selfish of the one who's living straddling both sides of the fence. To the original poster, hold your head up and demand all or nothing. If we make the choice to settle, then we'll never get what we deserve.

Speaking of "settling"....check out her more upbeat video called "Settlin" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjBrZ8L2Z5Q

I know. I been on both sides and both hurt:(:( great song btw

Yep. Been there and done that, with someone for 4 years. It will rip your heart and soul right from you everyday that you breathe. Don't let that wife get a hold of you either. It will crush you in your existence. Please, repent and run away from this situation, no matter how hard it seems.

Am I just a random play to him? But all his actions are suggesting otherwise, or am I just fooling myself with my own feelings?

I'm so confused.

You're "play" to him, in that he's sleeping with you and then going home to his wife and giving her the "commitment". I put that last word in quotes, because I have a problem speaking of HIS "commitment" in this situation. It's more like the little kid who wants to have the cake and eat it too. He has the security with her, and the fun with you.

I don't blame you one bit for being confused with this. It's weird right? Why would he be doing all of these romantic things and not be *with* you? The answer is simple as far as I am concerned. It boils down to respect. And, it doesn't seem like he has much for either you or his wife (or even himself).

He may have more than "random" feelings for you. In fact, it sounds like he very well might. But, the fact of the matter remains that he's showing no respect for you at this moment. You're a convenience to "fill the void" (whatever that is for him).

It's time for YOU to take back the power here. Point blank, tell him to make his choice. Until you do that, you're going to be stuck in this limbo, not feeling very good about yourself. He probably will stay with his wife, but at least you'll be free to get on with YOUR life. Don't let him use you like this, hon.

Wishing you the best.

When I was 20...I fell inlove with a 40yr old. His wife had moved out and was living in another city close by. They co-managed an apartment complex and she moved to the complex, while he stayed at the house and did the bookkeeping.

When we met he told they were separated and filing for divorce. He would stay at my apartment and even had me stay at his house sometimes. This went on for 10mths while he stalled giving me explanations of why the divorce wasn't final yet. One day the phone rings and it's "her"...she proceeds to rake me over the coals for this "affair". She paid a detective to follow us and had all kinds of info on me. I stayed calm and explained to her the lies he had told me.

For instance, he was supposedly selling his house, but the truth was they rented it. He had proposed to me, but telling her they'd work it out. Had me in her bed, while telling her he loved her still. After a while she was consoling me on the phone I was crying so hard.

She forgave me and told me that SHE was the other woman with him 10yrs earlier when he was married to someone else!! It's then that I understood the lesson learned. If they'll do it to someone else, they will do it to you one day. I was heartbroken from that experience and I know she was too.

Just walk away and don't look back. Trust me, this never ends well. If he closes this chapter in his life and doesn't screw his wife with lies in the process, then maybe you two can work things out. Look at the character of this person without the emotion and you will see the truth.

She forgave me and told me that SHE was the other woman with him 10yrs earlier when he was married to someone else!!

*sigh* Maybe there is something to be said about the idea that "you lose them like you get them". :(

run away as fast and as far as you can!!!

there is nothing in this for you but endless fantasy, mind games, betrayal, and abandonment.

plus a boat-load of bad karma.

NO MAN is EVER worth hurting a "sister" over...ever... and you, with your sexual contact and emotional neediness, are breaking the sisterhood rule big time.

if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the SISTERHOOD.

what goes around comes around. trust me.<p>
you are messing with somebody's CHILDREN !!!!!!! think about the kids having a broken family. don't be the reason.<p>RUN AWAY NOW and put this "love" on hold until after he gets a divorce ON HIS OWN---WITHOUT YOUR INFLUENCE.<p>If he calls you a year from now divorced, you can date him again.<p>
Dixie Chicks song about the other woman...<br>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFTVGP4lVZ0

I never heard that, but I have since learned something about people. Watch how they treat their others and you will get a clue as to how you will one day be treated. If they have no trouble telling others little white lies, then listen close to what they tell you. If they have no trouble yelling at the waitress, maybe you're next. Sometimes we think we're somehow different and special, but in the big scheme of life... history repeats itself for a reason.

Sometimes we think we're somehow different and special, but in the big scheme of life... history repeats itself for a reason.

Precisely. :)

In the end it's all about control, and the immature parasites who have to have it. They screw you up, they screw up the one they cheated on, they screw up their own children (someone really needs to explain THAT to me sometime), and they screw up the next guy in line who may be a real prince, but who's going to be avoided like the plague because of the whole affair thing. Geez, sometime men really suck! (er, sorry about the language).

Mike

justMike...
cheating is a two-way street. for every slimeball guy, there is a waiting-in-the-wings-lovesick-maiden...shall i be impolite and say home wrecker? yes, men suck but so do the women-when they KNOW the dude is married.

I will not judge you because I started my relationship while I was still married, but that is my one dark moment in a life that has valued honesty and loyalty. I wish things would have been different but they are not.

This man has been honest with you. He has not given you the line that he is in the process of getting a divorce, so, what do you think will happen? He will go back to his wife and you will end up empty handed, used, and with regrets.

Please do not continue this relationship.

justMike...
cheating is a two-way street. for every slimeball guy, there is a waiting-in-the-wings-lovesick-maiden...shall i be impolite and say home wrecker? yes, men suck but so do the women-when they KNOW the dude is married.

Yup, cheating is a "two way street" and certainly the person who's NOT going against their vows should be villified. *shrug*

How many times have I seen the "jilted wife" going against the "other woman"? And, honestly, every time, it makes me shake my head. WRONG PERSON. PERIOD.

"Home wrecker"? She's only so if your husband wants her to be. Don't be kidding yourself.

I also agree with all the ones that posted b4 me, and think that it would be the best to end your relationship as soon as you can.

I have a good friend that got involved in a similar situation, and kept it up for over a year. She wasn't proud at all about it, and wanted to end it several times. I learned from her experience to try and not get involved in such situations, but if in a moment of weakness it does happen you have to take charge as soon as possible and brake it off without looking back. The longer you wait, the more emotionally attached you'll get and the more you'll start believing your own lies that you tell yourself to make you feel better about what you're doing.

I can imagine it's not an easy step to take, But it is the right one for sure. If he really loves you and cares about you, he'll make sure to meet your terms so he can be together with you again.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that you are "random play" to him; he may genuinely care about you. But this is a dead end relationship and the person most likely to be hurt in it is you! So get out of it. You deserve more than a guy who cheats on his wife and kids.

Yup, cheating is a "two way street" and certainly the person who's NOT going against their vows should be villified. *shrug*

How many times have I seen the "jilted wife" going against the "other woman"? And, honestly, every time, it makes me shake my head. WRONG PERSON. PERIOD.

"Home wrecker"? She's only so if your husband wants her to be. Don't be kidding yourself.

true BUT if she knows he is married still together even after the fact and still seeking him out and he her...both are guilty. How can it be the wrong person if this gal knows?

Thing is I see women or men who were dating a married person who were still in that commited relationship with their spouse and then become upset if they do end up with that person and that person cheats on them. The old I can't believe he cheated on me to bit.

A *homewrecker* is not the victim...the spouse is who has no idea her/his spouse is out prowling around along with the kids if there is children involved as well.


I agree with Rosie. Why would you want someone who is a cheater? If he told you he is still married with no intention of leaving your only going to be burnt in the end:( Your better then that

Thank you people, for putting down what you think. I know, I should leave me, and fast, but I can't bring myself to. I know it's weak, but he's been a huge emotional pillar for me for the past few months through a lot of my family / school / friendship problems that I can't bear to lose him, at least not for now.

I sound so pathetic. Contradicting myself...

Thank you people, for putting down what you think. I know, I should leave me, and fast, but I can't bring myself to. I know it's weak, but he's been a huge emotional pillar for me for the past few months through a lot of my family / school / friendship problems that I can't bear to lose him, at least not for now.

I sound so pathetic. Contradicting myself...

You will need emotional support to end this as well. I would suggest you find a trusted friend or family member to help you through all these things that you have been looking to this man for his support. Whether you tell them about the affair or not is up to you. But if you can find another source of support it will help you not be so dependant on him. Gaining this independance will help you cut the ties that you know in your head aren't good for you but don't have the emotional strength yet to sever.

And please remember not to beat yourself up over this. This man has used your difficult times and "being there for you" to get what he wanted. It sounds to me like you have been taken advantage of and emotional manipulated. *big hug* You deserve better and I wish you a better future in life and in relationships.

I just look at it this way... You might love him etc etc. But honestly... would you really want a future with someone who is a cheater? Even tho it was you? I think everyone here is right in their assumptions (or experience) that if he did it to her, he'll do it to you. Obviously he does not have a very high character, and lacks some morality.

See if you can get some support through the YWCA they have been my rock through so many events. No one judges you for mistakes and you can call someone when your down to the bottom barrell even at 3 am.

YOU CAN DO IT!!! There are other forms of support...dont become soo co dependent on a man who wont be there for you in the end and give you what you deserve

Yikes...what a sucky situation to be in. Really.

My advice to you would be to run. And here's why.

This man is putting himself first. Not his family...not you. So right now...he's got himself first...then his family...then you. So you're number 3!!!

Do you really want to be number 3? When you deserve to be number one?!

I know this man has been your pillar of strength...and that's awesome...but I feel like it's only a matter of time before he lets you down. How can he not? He's got a full family on his hands.

So unless he makes a decision....to either leave his family or to leave you alone...he's going to be a disappointment. People are going to be hurt here. Either his family...or you. Aren't you hurting right now? Hurting that you can't be out in the open about your relationship? Hurting that you can't see him whenever you want? That you cant call his home and talk right to him? That's got to hurt.

Find a man who puts you first. Who can be with you 100%...because you deserve nothing less. Don't let yourself be satisfied with his leftovers. Because you do deserve better.

I wish you all the luck...because I know it won't be easy to do the right thing in this situation. (((HUG)))

Nadine.

I just let go of a friend of longstanding who charged up her credit cards and then turned around and accused me of doing it! She was sneakily trying to ruin my life. Does that strike you as honest? When you play with someone else's hubby, you are being sneaky with someone else's life.

Don't do it, you'll get hurt, and so will his wife. I've learned a lesson from my parents messy marriage and divorce: when a man is bad to one woman, he's just waiting for an excuse to be bad to another.

I know you are hurting because you like him some, but if you were honest, isn't a lot of the attraction here the newness of it all? And feeling grown up with someone?

Ali

Thank you people, for putting down what you think. I know, I should leave me, and fast, but I can't bring myself to. I know it's weak, but he's been a huge emotional pillar for me for the past few months through a lot of my family / school / friendship problems that I can't bear to lose him, at least not for now.

I sound so pathetic. Contradicting myself...


Sadly this statement says you and him and are similar pages. You both put yourselves before his children and his wife.

I'm sorry but that is beyond weak. That's selfish and there is nothing admirable or respectful in what you are saying. You should be ashamed because the behavior is shameful given that you know that it's wrong.

However, in feeling ashamed you can redeem yourself and that's the key to this. We all have done something we are ashamed of. But, most importantly, as women it's how we recover from that shameful moment that really lays definition into what we will accept in our lives, especially the treatment we will accept from men.

If you continue this you risk setting yourself up for feeling deserving of bad treatment in the future to *atone* for what you did here believing you deserve it. Please don't set yourself up for that.

Step back and really see what you're saying there and learn from it. I know your heart wants him, but you don't have the right to have what your heart wants at the cost of intentionally hurting someone else to get what you want.

I don't say that to blast you. I say that to you with the greatest love from one woman to another. Be better than this because you were born to be.

No man would make a woman his seconds and no woman would accept it. So what is happening here that you have convinced yourself that this is the only person who can make you feel okay inside?

That breaks my heart because it reads of so much deep inner turmoil.

Why would you allow yourself to take the scraps of a relationship when you deserve so much more? There is something going on with you to make this okay and you need to address that. This will never be what you want.

Even if it temporarily relieves the pain, I assure you the pain will come back stronger. And when that pain hits it will feel like a Tsunami and the rest will have been little waves in comparison. I don't envy your situation and am sending hugs your way.

(((hugs)))

I know, all too well, what you are going through. I have just come out of a relationship with a man who is still married. I had a once upon a time with him thirty years ago (we were childhood sweethearts). It was intoxicating and I broke one of my own cardinal rules (never date a married man). At the beginning of the relationship he told me that he had left his home and had decided to live here on the East coast. He had been out of his (marital) home for several months. I wanted to believe that he was going to one day be with me only. As time passed, I had my doubts, due to his defensiveness when I asked questions about his going forward with the divorce, etc. At one point, I foolishly asked him to even move in with me. He told me at first that he liked the idea and thought we should do it, only to tell me four days later that he wasn't going to do it because he thought about it. He went on to say, "You know, I am still married." To this day, I don't think the man even realizes how selfish and hurtful he is. The funny messed up part of it is...he ended up leaving me. Nice,huh? (I asked for it, when I broke my own rule of integrity). He sent me an email shortly after we split, and had the audacity to address me as his "love" and his "all". He also went on to say that he still loves me. I cannot tell you how excruciatingly painful it has been for me to recover from this affair. I wouldn't wish this sort of pain and anguish on anyone. I had posted a thread on this relationship called, Why I Have Been MIA. You may want to read it and see if you can identify. I just hope that you gain the clarity and courage to let go of this relationship before you end up getting hurt. Let him get his life sorted. When he is a free man...then see what happens. In the meantime, protect your heart. Love yourself first and foremost. Lean on those who love you and accept you unconditionally. You are always welcome to post here...you will find many who will support and encourage you toward that which is best for you.
I Sincerely Wish You Well.
Blessings,
DEE

Don't miss your lesson here.
This is about you. No one else.