Need advice....

Need some feedback. I'm confused and maybe not very objective right now.

In a LDR with a younger man. I've visited 2x and am going for my 3rd visit. H e tells me he's getting together with friends/coworkers, one of whom may be very interested in him.

He told me at the beginning he really wanted to find a single mother. (We are both middle age, me being older.)My youngest is 21 and I have just become a first time Grandma.

I offered to cancel my trip so he could see what might develope from a relationship close to him instead of with someone 2000 miles away.

He replied that he wanted me right now and that he didn't think anything would develope for a few months or so and until after tomorrow night he wouldn't know anyway..

That breaks my heart. I love him so much, but that is what would make him happy I would step aside no matter how much it hurts.

So should I go or make a break now, knowing that he may be interested in someone else? Or am I over thinking things?
Should I cancel my trip, or go and try to enjoy

Need some feedback. I'm confused and maybe not very objective right now.

In a LDR with a younger man. I've visited 2x and am going for my 3rd visit. H e tells me he's getting together with friends/coworkers, one of whom may be very interested in him.

He told me at the beginning he really wanted to find a single mother. (We are both middle age, me being older.)My youngest is 21 and I have just become a first time Grandma.

I offered to cancel my trip so he could see what might develope from a relationship close to him instead of with someone 2000 miles away.

He replied that he wanted me right now and that he didn't think anything would develope for a few months or so and until after tomorrow night he wouldn't know anyway..

That breaks my heart. I love him so much, but that is what would make him happy I would step aside no matter how much it hurts.

So should I go or make a break now, knowing that he may be interested in someone else? Or am I over thinking things?
Should I cancel my trip, or go and try to enjoy

Personally It sounds to me that this guy is either using you, confused or wants his cake and be able to eat it to.

Have you been exclusive, said the I love you, talked about the future, been intimate and so on???
How long together and so on

Personally It sounds to me that this guy is either using you, confused or wants his cake and be able to eat it to.

Have you been exclusive, said the I love you, talked about the future, been intimate and so on???
How long together and so on

Started a year ago. I've visited 2x, summer and fall, and it was wonderful in every way. The talking, visiting, getting to personally know each other, the intimacy, just doing things together.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me right now. I love him with all my heart. I have never had feelings this intense about anyone ever. As far as I know there hasn't been anyone else for him and there's been no one else for me.

He lives in another country and the immigration thing for me to move there, is something he would have to do the work on in our situation. He says he is irritated with the distance and there doesn't seem to be a way to close it.

I have to agree with GG, here! :(

So should I go or make a break now, knowing that he may be interested in someone else?

I would make the break now...but not because he may be interested in someone else...just because his recent comments/behavior shows that he is not treating you how you deserve to be treated by a man who truly loved you. You deserve SO MUCH more than being the "back up plan":yes:

Have you been the only one traveling to see him??? Has he ever traveled to see you?? If not, that's another red flag: if you are willing to do all the work, he'll oblige...but if it's more titillating for him to investigate other options (translation=women), then that works better for him.

I know you've invested a lot of time and feelings in this guy, but I just don't see any staying power here if he's so willing to check out what else is out there. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, just not the one who can love you the way you should be loved: fully, completely, without reserve or vacillation.:yes:

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I know it hurts and is confusing for you. I wish you peace and a sure sense of resolve quickly on this.
K

No Kilny, you are not "over-thinking things". From what you have shared with us I think you have two choices.....be hurt now, or be hurt later. I'm very sorry to have to say that because you love him very much and you've invested a year in this relationship, but he's basically told you that you are only good enough until something else comes along. I would end things on a friendly note and move on. Good luck.

H e tells me he's getting together with friends/coworkers, one of whom may be very interested in him.

... he didn't think anything would develope for a few months or so and until after tomorrow night he wouldn't know anyway...
I could not believe his NERVE to tell you this! :mad: :mad:

And how do you even consider continuing this relationship? :(

My bf and I started our relationship as a LDR, and indeed I did all the travelling. (I had the passport, I had the Visa, and I did not want anybody in my country to find out about us at the time). However from the beginning we were exclusive nobody was exploring friends or coworkers. He now lives with me in my country.

Please... this does not look good for you. You do not need to travel 2000 miles to find someone to have sex with, because that is all this seems to be from his perspective. Big hug to you and I hope you can leave this destructive situation.

You haven't mentioned which countries you both are from. But I know from personal experience that the immigration process can be very overwhelming and discouraging to those who are having to go through it. Based upon what you've said so far, I'm wondering if that is playing a role in it.

I'm probably going against the grain here, but I think it's natural to have mixed emotions about whether to move forward with immigration versus being open to dating others so that one can evaluate whether they are 100% committed. So, I can understand how he can love you, yet feel daunted by the whole situation.

If he does move forward with the immigration process, based on what you know, do you think he'd be successful at getting approved?

It hurts when the one you love says that he wants to see other people. You said in your first post that this person may be interested in him. Has he said he is definitely interested in seeing this other person? I'm sorry, it's just not clear to me.

I am not so quick to say just give up and move on. I think that you should go on the next trip and spend more time together in person. I think that time together in person brings clarity. Go there and talk to him in person and ask him to commit 100% one way or the other. If it's not in your heart for you both to date other people while you sort out where this is going, then prepare yourself for the possibility of needing to walk away. But right now, it seems that your heart is torn and being together does bring clarity to a situation.

Good luck and keep us updated on how things go!

You haven't mentioned which countries you both are from. But I know from personal experience that the immigration process can be very overwhelming and discouraging to those who are having to go through it. Based upon what you've said so far, I'm wondering if that is playing a role in it.

I'm probably going against the grain here, but I think it's natural to have mixed emotions about whether to move forward with immigration versus being open to dating others so that one can evaluate whether they are 100% committed. So, I can understand how he can love you, yet feel daunted by the whole situation.

If he does move forward with the immigration process, based on what you know, do you think he'd be successful at getting approved?

It hurts when the one you love says that he wants to see other people. You said in your first post that this person may be interested in him. Has he said he is definitely interested in seeing this other person? I'm sorry, it's just not clear to me.

I am not so quick to say just give up and move on. I think that you should go on the next trip and spend more time together in person. I think that time together in person brings clarity. Go there and talk to him in person and ask him to commit 100% one way or the other. If it's not in your heart for you both to date other people while you sort out where this is going, then prepare yourself for the possibility of needing to walk away. But right now, it seems that your heart is torn and being together does bring clarity to a situation.

Good luck and keep us updated on how things go!

Thank you all for your input.

I live in the US and he lives in Canada. He could sponser me or

He's having the person in question over for dinner tonight. Others were invited, but it sounds like she may be the only one coming.

I do feel like he made it seem like I was just a back up until something else comes along the way he worded it. I don't want to feel that way, but sometimes we over react and read things differently than they are really meant. He was the one that invited me and wanted me to be there for Valentine's Day. I love it there. We have talked about him coming here in the Spring or early Summer and taking a vacation together.

I guess I'm just very confused right noe and really can't put things in perspective.

If someone loves you and needs you "right now", they don't include in that urgency, information about being interested in someone else. I don't have advice for you except that LDR's are HARD to sustain unless both partners feel absolute and total committment to each other or they are both in it just for fun. In my own experience with my YM, we both had that sense of committment by the time we decided to move forward with an intimate relationship. I wouldn't be involved in a LDR that wasn't exclusive. But that's just me. I don't get from you post that you are into this just for a fling and he isn't showing you any evidence that he is looking for exclusivity. So you need to ask what you want from this relationship and how likely is it going to happen, given the distance.

Like GG, I am leaning toward him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. That bugs me!

Yes, I am leaning towards him wanting his cake and eat it, too. I've been in your position before, and everytime, I gave the benefit of the doubt, everytime I let it be known I'd be there regardless, and wanted his happiness first, it NEVER lead to him loving ME more. Because I was invested and hoped by having him see how much I loved him, I hung on. It made them selfish and just keep me around because men enjoy having a good woman available while they look for what they want.

Since the two countries are Canada and the USA, I feel there is less possibility that this is a miscommunication. It sounds as though while telling you he loves you, he has groomed you all along to accept that he's looking.

I'd be very hurt if he said not to cancel your upcoming trip because he's not sure he'll be seriously interested in the other party yet, or her interested in him. He'll know after tonight. What a horrible thing to say to someone you know loves you. That you sit there wondering what is going on with them. What does he think, he's God? And you just wait to see how his dating goes?

I'd cancel, and tell him that you feel uncomfortable being the back-up plan and do not want to be left hanging over who he is interested in or not. Let him know that you will have your options open, as well. Either stop communicating with him altogether, if it is too painful, or if you can as a friend continue to communicate, fine.

He may decide that he does not want to lose you and become more committed. At the present there is absolutely no motivation for him to do anything. He has you if he wants you, and he has permission to walk away if he wants. Men rarely feel passionate about a woman who will just self-sacrice to that point. They love someone passionately who loves herself and shows while being a kind person, she has her own interests at heart, too. If you demonstrate that you value yourself in a way that says, I am here for you, while you can do whatever you want, he will see you as having no value.
Not the cool chick who gives him freedom, and loves him 100%.

So, again, I'd cancel and I'd let him know you have your options open now, too. It seems you are exclusive, and he's not and you just assume that neither has been seeing others. He may not have been seeing others, but his options are open, and yours are not. That in my opinion never bodes well.

Yes, I am leaning towards him wanting his cake and eat it, too. I've been in your position before, and everytime, I gave the benefit of the doubt, everytime I let it be known I'd be there regardless, and wanted his happiness first, it NEVER lead to him loving ME more. Because I was invested and hoped by having him see how much I loved him, I hung on. It made them selfish and just keep me around because men enjoy having a good woman available while they look for what they want.

Since the two countries are Canada and the USA, I feel there is less possibility that this is a miscommunication. It sounds as though while telling you he loves you, he has groomed you all along to accept that he's looking.

I'd be very hurt if he said not to cancel your upcoming trip because he's not sure he'll be seriously interested in the other party yet, or her interested in him. He'll know after tonight. What a horrible thing to say to someone you know loves you. That you sit there wondering what is going on with them. What does he think, he's God? And you just wait to see how his dating goes?

I'd cancel, and tell him that you feel uncomfortable being the back-up plan and do not want to be left hanging over who he is interested in or not. Let him know that you will have your options open, as well. Either stop communicating with him altogether, if it is too painful, or if you can as a friend continue to communicate, fine.

He may decide that he does not want to lose you and become more committed. At the present there is absolutely no motivation for him to do anything. He has you if he wants you, and he has permission to walk away if he wants. Men rarely feel passionate about a woman who will just self-sacrice to that point. They love someone passionately who loves herself and shows while being a kind person, she has her own interests at heart, too. If you demonstrate that you value yourself in a way that says, I am here for you, while you can do whatever you want, he will see you as having no value.
Not the cool chick who gives him freedom, and loves him 100%.

So, again, I'd cancel and I'd let him know you have your options open now, too. It seems you are exclusive, and he's not and you just assume that neither has been seeing others. He may not have been seeing others, but his options are open, and yours are not. That in my opinion never bodes well.

Thank you. I'm going to go visit and talk in person. After a couple days to let things sink in and some advice, I think I'm ready to tell him I'm done and not going to be there while he's exploring. If he wants me, just me, not me until someone else may come along, he can prove it to me. There won't be any more visits from me, no more phone calls from my end. He can put the effort into the relationship. I really can't do this unless he's serious about it, no matter how much it hurts, I'll walk away. I'm thinking guys just aren't worth the heart ache at the moment. :(

It's not like he's a twenty something just starting to get his life together, he's almost 40.

Sometimes it does seem that way, but actually they are worth it, very much. The problem for me was as I stated above. Holding myself to the standard of being exclusive while giving them all the options. Solving their problems, traveling to see them. Rowing the relationship boat.

When you show you value yourself, and do less, they enjoy doing for you. The relationship becomes easy and everyone happy. By over-giving and over-sacrificing, you spoil their joy in giving and they lose their attraction. Or they just stay for the good things, feeling that something is missing.

Tell him how you feel, let him know what you want. No nagging or accusing. Just feeling how you feel....and having boundaries.

That "now" statement is so unsettling to me. I thought, "Wow! What a BABY!!"
I can only confirm what I'm reading from others. I know of another Canadian/US LDR and I cannot imagine either of them speaking to eachother like that. I completely agree with SoftSong as well on her points.

I'm just curious, how far apart are you from each other?

My German boyfriend was afraid to fly and came up with every excuse in the book not to get on that plane. I told him I don't care if he has to row a boat across the Atlantic, but he'd visit me in 2007 or else I'd leave him.

I told him that if he can't engage in travel then he doesn't belong in a long distance relationship.

If this is the problem with your boyfriend, then I suggest he discover some kind of alternative such as trains, planes, automobiles, boats, horse back, piggy back, pogo stick, etc...since between Canada and U.S.A. there are so many options.

What seems odd to me is the hint of problems for emigrating/immigrating. I am Canadian and my ex-husband is American so our children have family all over North America and some move back and forth across the border quite frequently. I'm not sure where all this hinting at problems to move are coming from...does he have a criminal record?

We are over 2000 miles apart. I would immigrate to Canada in a heartbeat.

And no he doesn't have a criminal record and neither do I. But going through the immigration thing to Canada is my stumbling block. The only way at the moment is if he or someone would sponser me or he claimed me as his sexual partner.:rolleyes: He has treated me like a princess and done anything he could to make me happy until now.

At the moment I think this will be my last visit and probably end up being the end of our relationship. I think it's best for me to talk to him in person, not on the phone or internet. It's easier for me to see his reactions and see how he actually feels. If I don't go, I'm always going to have this nagging feeling of what might have been. No matter how much it hurts, I've decided to walk away if that's what it takes. I can't live being the fall back person. I've done that before, and it hurts worse than walking away. I'll be there in about 3 weeks, and am staying for 2 weeks. If it can be worked out that should be long enough to work it out, or decide it's time to walk away.

You guys are wonderful. I don't post often, but you have been very kind.

Good luck with the visit.....I can understand wanting to settle things in person. And feel as long as you are in the mindset to ask for what you want and willing to let go, if needed...no harm done.

Hoping that he will realize he has something good and no further need for anyone else.

Good luck with the visit.....I can understand wanting to settle things in person. And feel as long as you are in the mindset to ask for what you want and willing to let go, if needed...no harm done.

Hoping that he will realize he has something good and no further need for anyone else.

I hope that he wants me and just me, but right now I don't think it's going to end that way. I don't think I can spend more of my life being the one that's there when there isn't anyone else. Married a man like that.