am i going to ruin her life?

i 38 years old about to marry a 22 year old woman ive been with for 2 and a half years. after all this time i feel confident enough in our committment to marry. ive thought a lot about the challenges of letting her grow with out interfering and so far so good.
she makes great desisions on her own and often ask me my opinion. we have gone through a real rough couple months financially last year and never turned on each other. things are great. but after all this time her mother suddenly decided to try and interfere last weekend telling her she is gonna miss out on life and regret it. she really made a push for her to move back in with them. her mother has been helping plan our wedding. her parents have been great up to now. she wasnt in school when we met but she is now and i pay for it. we live in a nice house on the water, got toys and a nice car. and live simple. nothing has changed with us so i cant figure out why the change in her.
her youngest son just left for college could it be empty nest syndrom or something, or am i really gonna ruin her life just cause im older and have an 11 yera old daughter that comes on weekends.

Hi Johnnys,

To get an answer to your question, you're going to have to ask your fiance's parents, preferably without her there. Sounds as if you've done a pretty good job of caring for her up until now. Quite possibly her mom simply thinks your YW is too young for marriage. Your best answer though, needs to come from your future mother-in-law. Good luck.

Mike

You will not ruin your lady's life.

I'm in full agreement with Mike. Talk to your future mother in law & ask her what's up.

My guess, mom's got the jitters, her little girl is getting married. Don't take it personally, don't get angry with her. Its her "stuff". Use this as a chance to strengthen the relationship between you and her. Listen to her, validate her feelings, assure her, alleviate her concerns, help her work through her feelings.

George

I'm in agreement with Mike and George's advice. Since you are going to marry this yw, it is in the interest of your marriage to attempt to resolve any issues that have emerged. She is indeed a yw and a relationship with her parents, especially with her mother is important and even more important if they shared a good relationship prior to your entry in her life.

While your marriage can last without her mother's blessing the challenges you face in the future might be helped if you both have a strong support system. If children are part of your future plans then it would be great if the children could form good relationships with their grandparents and flourish in a mostly tension free environment.

Invite your yw's mother to dinner and have a real heart to heart discussion with her. Help her to understand that you are not so self absorb, so as to not be aware of her fears for her daughters future and let her know that you have her daughter's best interest at heart.

I think the only thing that would her ruin life now is if you backed down. Don't do that! You said you are confident in your love and in your relationship and you need to stay that way. Marriage is about good times and bad, this just happens to be a bad one. I definitely think her brother going to college is playing a major part... usually tho it's the bride or groom who get cold feet, not the parents! Just maintain strong, you have described a nice life, and it's obvious that you can take care of her and any girl should be so lucky to be with a man so supportive and caring! She is blessed, and her mother must know this if she was helping plan the wedding before.... and she probably still knows this, but she's going through something with the son leaving... Is dad in the picture?... what does he say about this? Maybe you could have a man to man with him and find out what's going on with mom? OR maybe you could take mom out to lunch or coffee and have a talk with her, show her your intentions are honorable and that you care about her daughters happiness and would never hold her back from anything. That's all I can offer, but please, please, please DO NOT think you're holding her back in anyway, she's with you b/c she wants to be and if she felt she was missing out, she wouldn't be getting married.

I concur with the above wisdom!

i appreciate all the replies so soon about my situation.

i promised myself that if i did end up in a relationship with this younger women that i would not leave her in any worse shape emotionally for it.
i guess i was a little confused about it but i really do have a commitment to her that is strong. we have discussed the situation and emily has decided that we should go on with the wedding plans even though i told her i dont mind waiting a few more years so as she is sure. she is going to talk to her mother tommorow now that she is back in town, and suggest that i and mom talk. i know this is not the ideal situation for the parents," i thought it would be worse" but fact is after a15 year marrige and alot of girls before that no one is as amazing as her. ill let you guys know how it works out

Johnny,

The fact of the matter is that you may end up "ruining her life". (I put that in quotes because it is just SO subjective.) As far as I have seen, no one in this world has a crystal ball when it comes to relationships and how people grow and change over the years. There's a chance that this won't end up well. But, take THAT possibility as compared to what you and she are feeling now (with your eyes open to possible hazards), and just GO WITH IT.

From what you have said here, the "Mishigas odds" on you ruining her life are minimal. I wouldn't take that bet. Of course the possibility is there, and a 2 dollar bet may bring someone a couple of grand if it happens...but, the likelihood doesn't seem to be there.

Parents are, well, parents. And, in the years to come, I'd wager that hers are still going to be there. And, I'd also wager that their view of you will run hot and cold. As far as this issue is concerned, I would do ALL you can in terms of holding out an olive branch. Even if you're rebuffed EVERY SINGLE TIME....there's always the chance that they will come around, and for sure, she will appreciate the sentiment. (Get the feeling that I'm talking from personal experience here?)

At the end of the day, there are no guarantees. But, from what you have said here, you have come into this with your eyes open and with all the care and love in the world. So, as far as I can see, there shouldn't be too much to hold you back.

Wishing you both the best of luck and happiness.

THANKS,, I HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF BEING THE BIGGER MAN IN THIS. HER PARENTS ARE REAL GOOD PEOPLE,, CHRISTIAN PEOPLE WHOSE SWEET INNOCENT DAUGHTER (AND SHE INNOCENT THEY HAVE SHELTERED HER LIKE ONLY GOOD PARENTS COULD) MOVED IN WITH AN OLDER GUY WITH A LITTLE BAGGAGE. THEY HAVE WELCOMED ME AND MY DAUGHTER INTO THERE HOME AND AFTER THE FIRST FEW MONTHS NEVER SAID A BAD WORD FOR 2 YEARS. KINDA WHY I GUESS I FELT A LITTLE BETRAID WHEN EMILYS MOM TOOK A CONVERSATION ON HOW TO BUDGET AND TURNED IT INTO A JOHNS LIFE BASHING CONCERT.

BUT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT IN MY LIFE AND THEY STAND LITTLE CHANCE OF MAKING ME FAULTER FROM MY CURRENT COURSE.

I WOULD OF COURSE BEND OVER BACKWARDS TO KEEP RELATIONS.

EMILYS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER PARENTS WAS VERY ROUGH WHEN WE FIRST STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER. BEFORE ME THAT IS. IT HAS GOTTEN 100 TIMES BETTER SINCE WEVE BEEN TOGETHER.

SHE WENT BACK TO SCHOOL,, BY HER CHOICE HAS TUNED THE PARTYING DOWN TO ALMOST NOTHING,,, AND STARTED GOING BACK TO CHURCH(WITH ME IN TOW,,,NOT SO WILLINGLY I MIGHT ADD).

WE ARE WORKING ON A 3 YEAR PLAN FOR AFTER THE WEDDING THERE IS A LOT WE WOULD LIKE TO ACCOMPLISH.


AGAIN I THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!:yes::bgrin2:

THANKS,, I HAVE EVERY INTENTION OF BEING THE BIGGER MAN IN THIS. HER PARENTS ARE REAL GOOD PEOPLE,, CHRISTIAN PEOPLE WHOSE SWEET INNOCENT DAUGHTER (AND SHE INNOCENT THEY HAVE SHELTERED HER LIKE ONLY GOOD PARENTS COULD) MOVED IN WITH AN OLDER GUY WITH A LITTLE BAGGAGE. THEY HAVE WELCOMED ME AND MY DAUGHTER INTO THERE HOME AND AFTER THE FIRST FEW MONTHS NEVER SAID A BAD WORD FOR 2 YEARS. KINDA WHY I GUESS I FELT A LITTLE BETRAID WHEN EMILYS MOM TOOK A CONVERSATION ON HOW TO BUDGET AND TURNED IT INTO A JOHNS LIFE BASHING CONCERT.

Yeah, well, like I said, those are parents. To my OM's credit, he actually OFFERED to come to where my parents live to meet them, knowing full well what could have happened. Of course, my parents were on their best behavior at the time, but, just the sentiment, that this guy was doing all of this for their daughter, HAD to have hit home.

And, that's why I said that you should just put out that olive branch when you can. Of course, don't let yourself be railroaded, but don't stand on ceremony or anything like that.

Your heart is in the right place, I have no doubt. And, honestly, just take the lead from your fiance with this. If SHE is feeling down or sad about it, then worry. Otherwise, just get on with your lives.

Again, all the happiness in the world to you both.

I just wanted to say, that I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Dude ... you're not marrying her mother you are marrying her.

Have a private talk with her mom and do whatever you reasonably can to work things out with her.

If she absolutely won't go along, then forget about her and focus on your girl. That's part of what being a man is all about. Your girl comes first.

The only thing that should stop you is if your girl doesn't want to because her mother objects. If that's the case, call off the marriage at least for now.

Just like you should put her before all others, she should do the same for you.

If anyone else has objections, and you can't reason with them, f*** 'em!;)


And NO, you are not going to ruin her life. Don't listen to that BS. No one else knows your heart or your girls heart except you and her.
.

I do not think that you will ruin her life. Maybe her mom needs the old reasurance that she is not losing a daughter but gaining a son(you). Best of luck with your marriage and much happiness.