Utter despair

I got back from a wonderful christmas and new year with my parents and boyfriend in the UK knowing I had to start training for the job I got in order to still survive in this country.

I became tremendously sick in the past few days and I went to training despite this because I was so desperate, I knew delaying training would result in inability to pay the rent next month while I waited for a reschedule. 3 solid days, 10 hours a day, all for nothing. I got sent home, they said I can forget working for them because coming in so ill was unprofessional.

Came home, my ex rings, tells me "good news," our marriage can be anulled. Yeah. Annulled by him suing me for adultery after he goes back to the UK. We could have gone by mutual consent in japan, but he's not going to do that because it's going to take too long, he wants to leave Japan right now and he wants to be with his girlfriend asap. And yeah I know. Epic levels of hypocrisy right there. So I'll get sued for adultery despite one reason I left him being he wanted to be poly, and literally one week after I told him we were through he went off with one of the girls he wanted to be poly with. I've left out these details before, also the fact he abused me in my sleep often, and did again after we had split up then made a point of telling my best friend next day that I was really into it so there's no way I was over him (I have zero recollection.) And again the next morning which I woke up to. And really the part I least forgive is him using it as ammo to try to make my dearest ever platonic friend (who knows about, has met and really likes my boyfriend) hate me. The rest I'm just numb to.

I'm still on a dependency visa for japan, granted for 3 years, with right to work granted. This would have been my first job. Apparently it would have been legal to stay on the visa as it was granted already, just frowned upon and likely impossible to ever get a furthur one of any kind. I was going to get work, save up, then start a college course and change my visa to a student visa asap. Fat chance of that ever happening now.

My boyfriend is american. I can't see a country that deports immigrants on a green card for adultery ever letting me in when I was divorced for adultery and my boyfriend is cited on the records as the person I slept with. That it'll be obvious I met and committed that adultery while married for a visa in a different country. My ex agreed we were both in the wrong, and that he agreed to our seperation beforehand anyway but it seems he changed his mind. He is unable to see any blame on his part now. Says I made a commitment and I should have stayed no matter what, even through him screaming at me, begging me to leave him because he hated me.

Also my ex, while working never filed to pay his UK taxes. If I go back to the UK to work, that'll bite me hard I imagine.

I don't really have good enough qualifications to work and support my boyfriend for a UK visa.

I can't go back to the UK and get help, I can't seek counselling, I want no more mental health problems on my record (hurts a US marriage visa) and no records of claiming benefits recently (hurts a UK visa.)

He boyfriend equally isn't graduated yet, we were going to wait but this whole thing with being divorced for adultery... yeah. I can't stay here and attempt to change my visa without work. I can't make my alcoholic, bipolar ex see sense. He suffers extreme mood swings and inability to take responsibility for any mistake.

My boyfriend and I had decided we had three options for somewhere to live - the UK, US or Japan.

They likely won't give me a marriage visa for japan to another person once I messed up one time so there's another country scratched off the record. They won't give me a full work visa without a degree. It was the student visa with right to work on the side, or nothing.

I just found out I have to submit police reports of every place I've lived in for a US marriage visa of any kind. I don't know how on earth I'd do this for japan, the police here are extremely difficult to work with, hard on foreigners and as for getting a translation... well I could do it myself but that's hardly official. I lived in three places too. Got thrown out of two awful, communal properties because we fought so bad I would cry in anguish and beg him to stop hurting me. People thought we were both alcoholics, they blamed us both but all my husband ever tells anyone is "She got me thrown out of two homes."

One option left... I go to the US illegally. I never see any other country i love again, I never see my family again and I risk deportation every time I breathe.

I can't lose the man I love and I feel like I have to quietly bid him goodbye then go step off a bridge somewhere.

We've been together almost one year now and I know people are going to say I just used him as a crutch, a rebound, that he's too young, they always do. But this is real and I can't lose him.

I don't know why I'm even bothering to state all this because I know I'll just be judged again and that I should instead listen to my boyfriend, best friend and my parents who trust and believe me and say I am the strongest person they've ever known. That ceases to have meaning though when literally everything in life has repeatedly gone against you, and hard.

I guess I just need to know if I stand a chance of ever being with this man.

I always felt sorry for my ex because I had never caught a break in life, I didn't have many friends and I saw him as somebody that most other people couldn't stand (they vocally expressed this to me,) that needed a break just like I did. Plus he did care about me, but his sense of right and wrong was ridiculously warped. I've been so stupid.

I have no advice at all, but only can say that the pain you are in made me cry.



Hugs and hope for you.

First of all, here's a BIG HUG.
Now, easy does it. You have support here; you are not alone.
Make sure you eat, make sure you rest, let your anger/frustration/irritability out in a mindful way that hurts no one else..and only after you've taken care of some of those basics...gently gently tease out what is your part, what is his part, and let go of what you cannot control, and empower yourself with doing the very next right little babystep. I know that sounds too simple, but it's basic triage. Get connected with whatever source minds your Spiritual/Religious belief system, pray, meditate, settle in. You are okay. You are whole. You are smart. You know how to take good care of yourself. If you feel the overwhelm rushing in again, run through the process again. You can't think clearly and wisely in a state of emotional overwhelm, so again, eat, rest, shake out the anger and stay connected with only those who qualify for your trust. Breathe, cry, breathe, let it out. Eat, rest, find a mantra, get in it..easy does it darling.

Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place at the moment, Ariadne *hugs*

There are a couple of things that might make things look a little brighter.
Now if I understand your post right you are from the UK originally?? Now as I understand our (UK) tax system your (ex) husband is responsible for his taxes, they have nothing to do with you. A wife pays her own taxes in the UK, so there is no reason for you to think that you'll get hit for money he owes.

You were talking about getting student's visa to continue living in Japan, so I am thinking that you planned to go back into studying...... Have you thought about studying in the UK? As a mature student you are assessed for loans/grants etc on you own personal income, meaning if you have no income you would get the maximums. This could help you get to the stage where you could earn enough for a UK visa for your ym. Also you can find courses that include the chance to actually study in the US for part of the time.

Not sure if there is anything of value here, just throwing a couple of thoughts out there.

Take care

PM me if you need visa advice etc for Japan. Lived there 11 years and got divorced whilst I was over there....

Can't you counter sue HIM for adultery? Or file first? :confused:

Can't you counter sue HIM for adultery? Or file first? :confused:

That's what my first thought was. But I don't really know a lot or feel like I can help much with this situation. I hope you can work something out though.

I want to stay on in japan. He wants to go back to England. He sees this as the easiest way, and well he is too arrogant to want any other approach and won't admit any wrong doing himself. I can't afford to take it to court and neither can he without begging his rich parents to help, he wants to divorce me for adultery and for me to just go along with it.

I wish the UK gave you an option for a mutual consent divorce, but that basically only happens after you have lived apart for 2+ years. Now he is absolutely petrified of me taking this option because he wants to move to the USA to be with his girlfriend NOW and so if I don't go along with the adultery thing without rejecting his claim he's going to attempt to drag it into the courts.

Would being divorced for adultery affect my ability to marry an American and move to the USA? That is basically all I care about.

We can't go the Japanese route because he decided to simply book his ticket back to the UK and prevent me from having enough time to sort it out.

Why does all the terms have to be his way? It does not sound right what your husband is doing to you.

Be careful with what you agree to do, because once you have signed on the dotted line they is no way back. Using the excuse "I did it because _______ but such is not true" it will not work. Whatever gets put in writing that is what it will stay forever, amen!

Good luck.

PS Just because he left Japan, I do not think it stops you form filing there. You need to consult with a local attorney.

PSS Remember no matter where your husband files, you have the right to counterclaim with your own grounds and allegations.

PSSS An idea, if your husband is in such a rush to get with his g/f ,then ask him to request the divorce as him being the one that was unfaithful, not you!

I can't afford an attorney. Right now it's up in the air if I can even stay here.

If I counter his claims, it will cost me money I don't have.

You can't request a divorce in the UK based on your own adultery.

All I want to know, all I care about is whether simply agreeing to his terms to get rid of him, so I never have to deal with him again will affect being allowed to marry my boyfriend and move to the USA.

Then ask your husband to give you the money and you file against him and claim adultery...

If you cannot afford an attorney, I believe you have the right to represent yourself. Do some research as to Japanese law and file yourself, or file first in England and beat him to the punch. Maybe you can borrow the filing fees from a relative and/or friends in England. If you were able to go and visit your family recently then somehow you have some funds.

My recommendation is to hire an attorney. Like I said, you may regret it later...

Please do not believe anyone here that tells you that a divorce on adultery grounds is no reason to have your visa denied. USA authorities have a large discretion as to who they allow (that is getting a resident's visa) in the country, and one of the considerations its that the person has to be of good moral character; Thus, can adultery be consider immoral? Who knows...

Also, I guess you need to consult with an USA Immigration attorney.

You have no easy answers.

Any country can bar you on pretty much any grounds they choose, but do they? I dunno. If you are a native British citizen, why don't you go to the consulate and ask if you can stay in Japan if your husband leaves you?

Otherwise I don't know what to say except I'm sorry for your troubles.

Ali

Also, I guess you need to consult with an USA Immigration attorney.


Yes, or someone else with a vast, wide-ranging knowledge of these issues. It's one thing for someone to have "gone through it" or have known someone who has, and it's another for someone to be able to look at your situation and give you sound advise based on your particular circumstance.

I know, from my own personal experience, how simply....erm..."discretionary" so much of immigration is. Granted, I've seen it in "non-visa" situations, but the lesson is pretty much the same across the board. You need to tell the proper people the right things at the right time and, in too many cases, just hope and pray that you get someone reviewing your file that hasn't had a fight with their spouse that morning.

As I told my Canuck OM (who is going through his own issues with this stuff now), don't put the cart before the horse with this. Take things one step at a time, and get an impartial person on your side who knows about this.

From what you have said, my gut reaction is to tell you that I don't believe that "all is lost" with this. Take a deep breath, and at least *try* to get a somewhat positive attitude with it. Then, take a look on the internet for people who are familiar with US immigration policies. One of my favorite resources when it comes to these things are law schools, believe it or not. Take a look and see which schools are known for their immigration law programs. They should have portions of their websites devoted to it. Contact the professor or other person in charge of the program, and explain your situation. Ask them if they can point you in the right direction with this. I'll just about guarantee that you'll get some good feedback, and get some input or suggestions that none of us here would EVER think of.

The important thing here is to keep your head with all of this. I don't believe that you're dead in the water with it, only that you need some direction. When you have that, and know what you need to do, then you'll be able to focus on that and get things moving.

Wishing you the best of luck.

All I want to know, all I care about is whether simply agreeing to his terms to get rid of him, so I never have to deal with him again will affect being allowed to marry my boyfriend and move to the USA.

What I do know is that if you are applying for a visa to the US based on marriage, and have been divorced, then you will have to send in something that confirms you were divorced. i.e. your divorce certificate. That will have the reason for divorce on it, so the immigration people in the US will know. Whether or not that will affect their decision to give you a visa I don't know.

Hugs to you Ariadne, I have absolutely no advice I can give about this as I have only ever lived in Aus but a quick question, do the US and UK still allow the ability to file for divorce for a reason such as adultery? Here in Aus we just divroce for irreconsilable differences, there is no blame on either party and no reason is given... I wish you all the best and hope things start looking up for you soon!

In the USA yes, you can file for a divorce on grounds of adultery as well as several other grounds. Of course, there is as well the no fault divorce. The OP nor her husband qualifies for a divorce in the USA because neither one lives in the USA to meet the jurisdictional requirement mandatory to have standing to bring the lawsuit, that is, the divorce petition, regardless of nationality nor visa status

You can even be an undocumented alien or have a tourist visa, and still get divorce in the USA. The only requirement to file for divorce in the state (divorce law is a state thing and not a federal thing) is to reside in that state for certain time, continuously. Texas requires 6 months, some other states require a full year of physical presence in that state...

Well enough for legal lessons! jajajaja

*Disclaimer, please consult an attorney of your choice, this is not legal advice.

If he is in such a rush, then you have POWER over him.

Tell him to pay for you to divorce him or to drop the adultry charges and make it something less sinister, like irreconcilable differences, or you'll refuse to cooperate with the divorce and make it very difficult and very expensive for him & his parents.

If he wants a quick divorce, he'll have to do it your way.

*Disclaimer, please consult an attorney of your choice, this is not legal advice.
Alta, you should just stick that line in your signature! LOL! :D

Dear Ariadne:

I couldn't finish reading your post because I'm sensitive and, because everybody here is my extended family, I was too anguished to continue. I'm with you, my sister. You know that if I had a magic wand that I'd wave it and make your dreams come true. Peace.

Girl you will find the answers. I agree with Kristin you have the power if he is in a hurry. Maybe refusing the divorce could work in your favor until the divorce is exactly the way you want it. Or at least he compromises some. Dont give up hope, there is always hope, you have been through this much so far you will see it through. I am wishing you the best and I have followed your story for the most part. Let your stbx scream and yell all he wants. You cant go wrong holding on to your integrity and doing it with grace. I am rooting for love to prevail in this story!

Wendy

I'm starting to lose hope.

I've never worked for a company in my life, always been self employed because I am pathologically terrified of interviews and it's really starting to weigh me down.

The USA is not going to let me in with a completely blank employment history. The way I see it I had 2 options:

1. Kill myself
2. Lie to my husband and keep playing his games just so I could at least live in the country I loved.

I was desperately unhappy and I wiped out option two.

I had everything banking on the one job I succeeded in getting, because they seemed to be the only company that didn't care if I didn't have qualifications or experience in the field. They were going to train me from scratch and I blew the training because I was sick. Now every company I'm approaching is asking what experience and qualifications I have and I know I am losing out every time. Worse yet they invite me for interviews and I'm wasting all my money getting to them. I'm stuck working for myself, private students. Nothing I can prove I did.

I can't even work for awful companies like McDonalds in the UK because I flunk the interviews and they never call back. I have spent my entire life working little jobs for myself.

When a friend of mine with a similar disorder to my own flew to the USA, they refused him in for a holiday because the fact he had no job looked suspicious. How on earth are they ever going to accept me when I am REQUIRED to give a full history of myself?

I CANNOT EVEN CITE THE FEW DECENT FREELANCE JOBS I HAVE HAD. I worked in videogames journalism. Foreign journalists are refused entry to the USA, period. I know this because my boss was also turned away, he had to spend 24 hours in a holding cell at the airport before being sent back. All because he was going to cover E3.

I don't know what to do.

I told my boyfriend one year ago this was hopeless and we shouldn't pursue it, he persuaded me otherwise. I've no idea how.

Now every company I'm approaching is asking what experience and qualifications I have and I know I am losing out every time. Worse yet they invite me for interviews and I'm wasting all my money getting to them. I'm stuck working for myself, private students. Nothing I can prove I did.

Hon, they don't invite you for interviews just for the sake of wasting your money and their time. They see something in you...and, until you get it into your head that you ARE worth it, it's going to be the same result. You're defeating yourself.

I know, it's incredibly easy for me to say, but it's the truth. If you can't get over this hurdle by yourself, then find someone who can help you. If money's an obstacle, then check online for other resources.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that you cannot get an entry-level position in a company, even without experience in that particular field. So much of it is about presentation. I'm a veteran of the interview process. Even at the young age of 34, I've changed career paths about half a dozen times. I'm a lawyer by trade, but looking now to get into a completely different field. Do I have experience in it? Heck no, but I have the attitude that I can enter at whatever level I need to, and then show them what I can do.

You need to get the self-confidence up. However you do it is your choice...but that's what needs to be done. Are there any job counselors in your area? People that can help you with your resume and in the interview process? There HAVE to be. You need to look for them.

That's a starting point. Take one step at a time, and don't prejudge everything.

As far as the US not letting your friend in on their vacation. This stuff happens. It's the border guard, on the day, responding to the person trying to enter the country.

But, that's WAY down the line for you. You need to take care of yourself now, and find the self-confidence to get out there and get your life straight. Check the internet....it's a wonderful resource.

Foreign journalists are refused entry to the USA, period. I know this because my boss was also turned away, he had to spend 24 hours in a holding cell at the airport before being sent back. All because he was going to cover E3.


You know ONE case. And, my guess is that his detention wasn't solely because he was a "journalist".

But, honestly, BACK UP. You know the expression about "not putting the cart before the horse?". If you don't, what it means is that you need to take one step at a time. Start with the first step, and focus on that. Worrying about might what happen on step 327 is counterproductive.

You say that you're scared of interviews? Work on that. Get yourself a job, and with it the self-confidence to be able to deal with things without being all "gloom and doom" with it. People travel and emigrate to other countries all the time. It's not *that* huge of a deal. You just need the self-confidence to realize it.

I travel from the US to Canada every weekend. I visit my boyfriend and participate in a curling league. Completely innocent stuff. A couple of months ago, I was detained at the Canadian border. Why? From my perspective, it was because I was dealing with a woman who had something against me from the get-go. No matter what I said, she didn't believe me. I had to go into the customs building and explain my case to other two border guards. In the 30 minutes that I was there, they basically looked at my demeanor standing in this building. I'll admit it, I was nervous. Because if you get denied entry (which they can deny for practically anything), it's something that can haunt you for a very long time. They swiped my passport about half a dozen times. They asked me many questions. But, at the end of it all, I got out of there, and into Canada, in spite of myself. One of the guards actually said to me that she had never seen "someone so nervous who didn't have anything to hide".

What was the lesson I learned from this? First, that I need to bring a newspaper with me, or some other reading material, so I'm not pacing around should this happen again. And, second, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to realize that it's all about presentation. Of course, there are things that raise red flags for customs officials (like, in Canada, coming in as a single woman....) But, these are things you just have to learn to cope with. I knew they had NOTHING that would legitimately let them deny me entry into the country, but I had to (and still have to) get my demeanor to equate with this fact.

For you, and for me as well, it comes with self-confidence. If you don't give them a reason to look twice, chances are they won't. It's as simple as that.

So, get your butt on google, or another search engine, and find someone who will help you with your resume and interviewing skills. Get your entry-level position, and work your hardest.

And, really, the worst thing that you can do now is to look at your "worst-case scenario" and focus on it. Start with step one. You seem like a well-spoken individual, and I'd be surprised if, given the proper presentation, you'd have any trouble finding a place that would love to have you.

It's all very easy to give all this advice when you're employed in a permanent position and you haven't utterly failed at life.

Everyone I know works as something.

I work as nothing. I have zero qualifications. I'm worthless.

I can't drive.

I don't have a degree.

I'm $8000 in debt.

When I was in the Uk I lasted for years on $600 per week disability payouts. I threw all this away because I felt useless.

I was diagnosed high functioning autistic as a child and it's basically crippled me for human interaction. I'm having to lie about this because nobody will give me a job otherwise. I'm fine once I know students, but in the interview I'm USELESS and I CANNOT get over this. I am EXTREMELY doubtful the USA will accept me based on all this.

I am currently earning $400 a month, and the rent is $800. I have to somehow earn five times what I am getting by May when my husband bails the country and leaves me to have to pay off 8 more months of a rent agreement which HE agreed to.

I7m a stupid worthless failure of a person who is no better than a street bum. If a street bum asked you how on earth they could move to a foreign country to be with their partner you'd laugh at them right?

They are giving me interviews because they basically give them to everyone, they want people down on their luck in Japan to exploit them with poor working conditions, bad pay and no benefits or prospects. Believe me I know what type of companies these are, but I have zero other options, and I CAN'T EVEN PASS THE INTERVIEW PROCESS FOR THEM.

Ariadne...

I can understand your frustration, really I can.

But, I have to ask you....what will be different if you get into the US? You'll be with your man, but what will change with YOU?

I find it very hard to believe that you can't get anything. Lots of people have issues. I have quite a few of my own. What have you done since your diagnosis as a "highly functioning autistic"? You have to work with what you're given. That's just the plain and simple fact with this.

You're right, the US probably won't accept you like this. Yeah, it sucks. I'll give you that. BUT, if you want to be with your man, and make a life for yourself, you have to do some of the legwork. Get a volunteer position somewhere. Get ANYTHING. Show the powers that be that you are functional....but more importantly, prove to yourself that you are.

The fact of the matter is that your situation sucks right now. But, honestly, only YOU can fix it. And, seriously, it requires baby steps. I know, from personal experience, that it absolutely is the worst thing to have to be at the whim of someone else in order to see your love. But, hon, that's your reality right now.

Only you can change it, and I promise you, the change can come in little steps.

Alta, you should just stick that line in your signature! LOL! :D

I did! :bgrin2:

Thank you.

Darling, the situation is not fun, but you do not suck.
Look, we ALL have dark nights of the soul and we ALL (I think I can safely generalize on this) have emotional bottoms. I hear your pain, I hear your fear. It is valid and it makes sense. I know it is real and I know it is tangible. I'm not going to belittle that. Listen, you are not alone in feeling low.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I am not "one-upping" you, but I want you to know that I know how it feels to be desperate, out of options, and 100% full of serious self loathing. You're a high functioning autistic, I am freaking alcoholic. I am so deep in the financial wreckage, way past your figure, but that's not to compare, just to let you know you're not alone. It's been years and I'm still climbing There was a year when I had a $10 per day budget. That's it. Talk about damn tuna fish! I am STILL on a daily budget, the figure has changed b/c I work my butt off about it. Guess what! Life goes on and we're going to go with it. We all have our handicaps.

You are not alone. So keep coming here and keep posting. It's okay to feel scared right now. Dump your stuff here and try to share one tiny small right next thought you have, even if it's just a lesser bad thought.

I see your line about killing yourself. When you find that you are actually making a plan, you need to tell us ASAP. Otherwise, those thought are actually normal too. Hang in there sweetheart. This WILL pass. :yes:

I can't stop crying and I can't get myself out of this depression.

If I can't have him I swear to god Ill die. I spent my entire life looking for somebody who understood me without having to constantly explain myself and there was never anybody who didn't make me feel desperately unhappy, who didn't think badly of me. I've been raging against a barrier of communication all my life and absolutely nobody has ever understood me without an intense battle on my hands every single day and I swear I cannot live without this man, I just can't. I don't ever have to explain my feelings, he just knows how I feel. Everyone else has always put me down and hurt me. They always said I was a terrible person.

How can I clear out my house when it has so much stuff in it and I wanted to clear my debts but I'm falling appart and cannot get out of bed.

How can I get a job when I knew my time here was limited and one week of interviews has left me mentally exhausted.

How can I produce a clean legal record for every place I ever lived when I committed such gross ineptitudes as to never file for national insurance - I was earning nothing. When I skipped the country without telling a soul, I stopped claiming benefit, I didn't register that I was no longer there I just failed to exist. I'm lazy and absolutely petrified of authority. I didn't know what I had to do so I didn't do it.

I don't know rea;ly if I can legally stay in Japan once my husband leaves but I don't know how to leave. I don'tr know what to do. Most people would stay, probably illegally til their visa ran out but I am trapped by the horrible realisation that if the US government see I got divorced before I left this country then it'll look really bad.

PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME BECAUSE I AM FALLING APART?

I cannot afford an attorney, my pasrents paid for the visit to the UK, I cannot afford a thing because my husband bailed on the rent.

I'm in absolute despair at the prospect of never seeing my boyfriend again. At never being able to live in the USA with him, or wherever, anywhere, the UK might refuse him based on my past failures to register leaving the country, etc etc,

Nobody here is helping just making me want to die. "I agree the US won't accept you" etc, it makes me want to tear at my fleash in anger and grief.

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELLP ME

Ariadne, I strongly suggest you go to see the British consulate or if there isn't one where you live get in contact with the British Embassy. You need their help here and need to get in contact with them ASAP

As much as you hate the idea of returning to the UK doing that would be far better then being deported from Japan.

On the benefits side, you left without stopping your claim, that shouldn't cause you any problems here as long as you did not recieve (and keep) any payments you were NOT entitled too........ If you did you could be liable to repay them........... As you have recieved benefit in the UK your NI is sorted out and shouldn't pose any problem -NI numbers are issued automatically when you leave school- I am sorry but, going on what you have told us, returning to the UK looks like your only option :(

On the bright side, it will give you a chance to sort everything out and get your life on track, plus the visa waiver between the UK and US means that yoou will be able to see on another.

As I said before, a course of higher education (University) could be a good bet in your case. It will give you qualifications and better coping skills.

I am sorry if I sound at all harsh, I don't mean too, It is just that you NEED to be proactive about all this otherwise you WILL totally wreck any chance of getting into the US in the future.

BTW my adopted sister married a US citizen and now lives in the US despite having 3 previous divorces, and having been disabled (on benefits) for years and having lived in Turkey for an extended period, prior to her marriage and no she did not marry a wealth guy. True the paperwork was a nightmare but we got it all sorted in the end.


Just wanted to add I am on long term disability, very doubtful if I will ever be able to work again, I have debts and I live with crippling (at times) clinical depression along with my physical problems....... also have very severe Social Phobia, so I do have some idea how hard all this is for you to cope with *HUGS*

Ariadne, my heart goes out to you. You're dealing with so many difficult situations all at once. I'm so sorry.

I think Shewolf is giving you great advice. I know that you love living in Japan, but perhaps it's time to talk to the British Embassy and go back to the UK at least for a while.

I'm sure you've explained before why he doesn't join you in Japan, or if he would consider moving to the UK, so forgive me if I am not aware of the whole story. But, why couldn't he join you in either of those two countries, instead of you going to the US?

I do worry about how you will handle the visa interview at the US embassy. You're talking about difficult the job interviews are for you. This could be something else that you need to consider as you make your plans. The interview at the US embassy for the visa can be very stressful. You would need to be able to go in there with confidence. So, if there's any question that you won't be able to do that, then maybe that's not the best option for you. Maybe he should join you wherever you end up living?

Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I wish I had more words of advice for you.

When a friend of mine with a similar disorder to my own flew to the USA, they refused him in for a holiday because the fact he had no job looked suspicious. How on earth are they ever going to accept me when I am REQUIRED to give a full history of myself?


I can help you with what I know here...

If you want to go over to the US as a tourist, then you don't NEED to have a job. What you do need to do is to not leave them in any doubt that you will not stay there illegally. The reason your friend was denied entry is because they felt he was a risk for doing just that, because he didn't have ties to his country.

I have been through that lots of times, I travelled to the US 7/8 times before I moved, and every time they asked questions. At first I was at university, so problem sorted because I wouldn't cut out on my course just like that, would I? Then the last year and a half I was working at a temp agency, so had no job to go back to when I travelled. That's when I got sent for a secondary interview, because I couldn't prove (at immigration) that I wasn't a risk for staying. In fact, the guy said to me "I believe you will stay in the US..." (paraphrasing there) before he sent me for further questioning.

That is what happens on a TOURIST visa. If you're a UK citizen then you don't need a visa, but you have to go through the same process.

Other visas have different requirements. The one I came over on last was the fiance visa, I came over to get married. To get the visa I had to fill in lots of forms, have interviews and medicals, etc. Yes, on the forms it asks for your employment history, but I'm not sure how much that counts for/against you getting the visa since your fiance/e has to sign a form that says they are responsible for your support (rather than the US govt), which means that you aren't eligible to claim benefits anyway. You're not getting a visa to work, you're getting it to be with a loved one! I think the spousal visa is fairly similar.

I think you're getting ahead of yourself with all this visa stuff, without knowing exactly what the requirements are.

Like Shewolf, I think it might be a good idea to head back to the UK. Yes, go and see the consulate, or embassy, in Japan. They are there to help. I really do believe that you'll be in a better position back in the UK because you are still a citizen and have rights and more access to any help that you might need. Also, you have family there!

Question to Rob:
What are the requirements for a tourist visa for a citizen of the European Union?
I want to know if they are different than those for somebody from Latin America.
Here we have to provide proof of a job (or that you are a student) and proof of assets (i.e. bank accounts or deeds of real estate).
You have to pay $150 for an interview at the consulate (non refundable) and even then, they may still give you a 1 month visa or a 3 month visa. I got a 10 year visa because my risk level was low.

Ariadne,

You need to set PRIORITIES.

What is your ulimate goal?

If I hear you right - it's to move to the US to be with your boyfriend.

You need to keep your eye on that goal.

If you truly want that to happen, you may need to make sacrifices to get there.

First off - you need to calm down. Freaking out isn't helping anything.

Secondly - you need to face up to the mistakes you have made and realize that they may be coming back to bite you in the bum right now, but NONE of them are uncircumventable.

So, maybe you will have to wait longer to get into the US because you have to pay back some money. Maybe you'll have to take a not-so-great-job in order to make money to pay those debt. Maybe you'll have to move back to the UK to get that job.

Is that all worth it to get to be with the man you love?

Set your priorities.

We can't always have what we want when we want it. You made mistakes and now you have to fix what you must to get what you want. That may take time, so you may not get what you want WHEN you want it. But that is part of taking responsibility of our actions.

You seem paralyzed by your fears. Allow them to conquer you and you will never get what you want. All you will be able to do is lament on what you missed. Get yourself out of this funk.

Fight for what you love.

By the way, if the LEASE at the location you are residing is in your husband's name and signed only by him, you are not at all responsible to pay any of the months left on the lease. However, if you want to live there, you need to pay the rent because otherwise and most likely sooner than later you will be evicted for non-payment of rent. So if you can find a place where the rent is much lower, go for it... Disclaimer here* I do not know the Japanese law.

PS Sheila may Europeans nowadays qualify for a waiver to enter and VISIT the USA without having to apply for any type of visa. A waiver is a very simple process, all you need is your passport. However, an USA immigration/custom officer can ask you a bunch of questions at the point of entry to the USA and if he/she feels you are a high risk to stay on the USA past the time allowed, you may be denied entry. More disclaimer here* :bgrin2:

PS Sheila may Europeans nowadays qualify for a waiver to enter and VISIT the USA without having to apply for any type of visa. A waiver is a very simple process, all you need is your passport. However, an USA immigration/custom officer can ask you a bunch of questions at the point of entry to the USA and if he/she feels you are a high risk to stay on the USA past the time allowed, you may be denied entry.

Just thought I'd quote Alta, because this is the way it works for a lot of European countries, such as France, Germany, etc. Basically, countries that are on good terms with the US have visa waivers, which means you don't have to get a visa to visit as a tourist. It's still possible to be denied entry though, that is completely at the immigration officers discretion.

Basically, with a waiver you just buy your ticket, get on the plane (for which you need your passport of course) and then when they give you the forms to fill in for immigration you get a particular one, which was always green for me. Sometimes you get the form to fill in when you're checking in at the airport, and they also have them at immigration once you arrive.

I have no clue how much it costs to get a visa in the EU, for those who aren't part of the visa waiver thing. Never had to do it you see. For the fiance visa (K-1) it did cost me $100 to purchase the visa at the embassy after my interview. The medical cost me £180 (from memory, and it may have increased slightly since), which is now roughly $340, and the cost of getting a full birth certificate, police report, etc, came to about £50 ($90ish). I could add the cost of filling my car up to go to London (twice!) and paying for the Tube once I got there, if I want to be pedantic, too. :p

This doesn't include Donna having to pay to file the petition before it got that far, and the cost of changing my status once we married, etc, either.

Japan is on the list of countries that participate with the visa waiver program. If her passport is from there, or from the UK, she should be eligible to visit periodically on that type of visa. There's also info on this site about the requirements for visiting under that type of visa. I know it's not what you're looking for long-term, but maybe this info will be useful to you

http://travel.state.gov/visa/temp/without/without_1990.html#countries

Ariadne, this statement on that page may explain why your friend was denied entrance:

The purpose of their stay in the United States is 90 days or less for tourism or business (if in doubt, travelers should check with the nearest Embassy or Consulate to verify that what they plan to do is considered tourism or business. Transit through the United States is generally permitted. Note that foreign media representatives planning to engage in that vocation in the United States are not eligible, as the purpose of their stay does not qualify as “business”. These professionals must obtain a nonimmigrant media (I) visa. See media visa for more information. Also see Visitor Visas – Business and Pleasure;


Maybe your friend told them at the border that he was coming here for business and didn't have the right type of visa.

First off I want to thank people for the advice and to say I am not ignoring it, in fact it made me made up my mind that I had better just leave Japan.

I wanted to stay in Japan and get work but I realise now how risky that would be and that if the American government realised I had overstayed after getting divorced they likely won't let me in.

My ex leaves in May. I have 3 full months left.

As of 2 days ago I decided to give up and started to clear the house out with the full intention of leaving in May around the same time as him.

Then I got a call not 20 minutes ago offering me a job. This was the one interview I had attended where I felt like the lady was not severely unimpressed with my demeanor, and that the interview had gone well. In fact she said she had interviewed several people since and cannot find anyone who was as appropriate to work for them as I was. It was a job working with kids, and she bemoaned the fact that everyone else who applied were just recent college graduates looking for any old job, didn't care about the kids whereas I had specifically been looking for jobs teaching children (and this is true, I enjoy teaching younger private students while adults really do intimidate me.)

My ex says I should absolutely take the job and quit in 3 months or maybe 4 months, to stay a month after he leaves because nobody will question the idea that he might not come back after such a short amount of time.

That leaves me with the unfortunate obligation to sort out bailing on a rent agreement AND a job commitment. And I am absolutely petrified of authority.

I honestly don't know what to do, because I spent 4 years here without a job working for somebody else, instead I spent the time working for myself. And if I get a job before I leave it'll at least look like I was doing SOMETHING, will be a help getting work in the future if I return to Japan. My boyfriend is definitely not adverse to the idea of coming here - it was easy getting married here and getting visas in the past, nobody asked probing questions, etc.

But I don't want to let the company down by quitting so early, and I'm petrified of dealing with the landlord. :(

I'm not really sure what to do here.

The British Embassy will not help me with anything besides giving me the phone numbers of english speaking lawyers.

And my boss didn't tell the immigration he was there on business. He simply filled in "journalist" on the form they give you on the plane.

My other friend was refused entry because he doesn't have a job. All in all I have known two people refused entry to the USA for a mere 1 week visit and this is why I am petrified of trying to move to the USA. I was equally petrified of Japanese immigration, but experience has taught me that it's a great deal less difficult than entering the USA.

A waiver is a very simple process, all you need is your passport. However, an USA immigration/custom officer can ask you a bunch of questions at the point of entry to the USA and if he/she feels you are a high risk to stay on the USA past the time allowed, you may be denied entry. More disclaimer here* :bgrin2:

According to what I heard from the border official at the US/Canada border last month, the waiver *can* be up to 6 months, but can be as short as several days. It's all up to the official in charge of processing it.

Which leads back again to my initial point in response to ariadne's situation. Whether you're dealing with customs officials or with the consular politics of getting a visa, so much of it is how you present yourself.

My OM (Canadian) is in the pain in the butt situation of having to get a waiver for entry into the US. He had to renew it when we traveled from Vancouver into the States last Christmas. Long, sordid and WAY too dramatic story short, there was a real issue as to whether he'd be able to get it this time. I went into the US customs building with him, and helped him to schmooze the border official who was processing the waiver. I'm sure it did help that I, as the American that he was "coming to visit", was there...but, the bottom line was that my OM made this guy like him and want to help him out. It was in how he PRESENTED himself. Confidence, knowing that whatever pertinent information that the official needed was on the computer anyway, and just being a likable sort of person.

I know from this experience, as well as some of my own (and also from working at the US Customs Service) that much of what happens has a lot to do with "discretion" of officials. You have to make these people want to help you out. Or, at the very least, don't call attention to yourself.

Ariadne, you NEED to get your confidence up. Regardless of the other things going on in your life, if you have this "I MUST be with my bf or I'll kill myself" attitude, any official you deal with will smell you from a mile away, and deal with you accordingly. Which is why I have suggested working on your confidence issues. Maybe you can do that better in your native country. That's up to you to decide. But, you NEED to do this. It's tough, to be sure, but it's also SO worth it in the end.

Again, I wish you the best.

Darling,
what is the next right thing to do for YOU? As soon as you took some action, bam! A phone for a job..and you wre saying that couldn't happen. What is the next right thing to do, right now? One day at a time. You must take care of you first so you can then share that healthy you with someone else. Don't miss your great lesson here!!! This is about YOU, not HIM! :)

My other friend was refused entry because he doesn't have a job. All in all I have known two people refused entry to the USA for a mere 1 week visit and this is why I am petrified of trying to move to the USA. I was equally petrified of Japanese immigration, but experience has taught me that it's a great deal less difficult than entering the USA.

Ariadne,

I'd be willing to wager that there was something else going on besides your friend "not having a job" that caused the turn-around at the border (if this was just a short visit as a tourist).

I've had my share of incidents at the Canadian border (and, as I said, my OM coming down here). As a matter of fact, my first time visiting my OM, two years ago, I was detained at the Vancouver airport for 4 hours. Why did they pull me aside, you ask? Because I was traveling alone, and told them that I was coming up to see my boyfriend.

I did some things wrong, like not printing out my return ticket, but, at the end of the day, all these people wanted to do was give me a hassle, and give them a reason to deny me entry into Canada.

To give you an idea of some of the people that you deal with (and I KNOW this isn't only Canada, I'm just relating my personal experience here), the first official I dealt with asked me, "so, what do you do for work?". I answered, truthfully, "I'm a lawyer". "So", he asked, "are you a solicitor or a barrister?". Well, gee, since we don't have those distinctions in the US, I simply couldn't say. And, he took that as me being "shady".

He took my passport and flipped through it. "Have you ever been to Canada?". I answered, "yup, lots of times when I was in college in the early 90s". (Again, completely truthful). "Well," he said, "I don't see anything here that would indicate that". Honestly, it was all I could do at that point not to say, "hey, moron, this passport was issued in 2003". I didn't though...

It went from bad to worse when I was escorted into the "white room" there and told that they were going to check my luggage for drugs. He brought out that little "wand" thing and said, "so, do you have anything you want to tell me?". And, THAT'S when I knew that they didn't have anything to legitimately deny me entry into the country. He told me that they could use the machine, or they could "bring in a dog". He actually had me admitting that I may have had contact with marijuana from my next door neighbors.

He opened my bag and found a Macy's catalog from 1977. He asked why I had it, and I told him that I had modeled some ski outfits for the catalog, and had thought that my boyfriend would get a kick out of seeing it. No kidding, the next thing he asked was, "so, your boyfriend likes little girls, does he?".

At that point, I was WAY beyond mad enough to say something that would have gotten me denied entry into the country. But, I didn't. And, this is the point that I want to make to you, Ariadne. Even though there is a lot of discretion letting people into Canada, or the US, denying someone entry, merely because you "don't like them", for whatever reason, is NOT something that these officials will do. Now, if I had said what I really wanted to say to this guy at that point, they probably could have denied me entry for verbally harassing the guard, or something like that.

It was a HORRIBLE 4 hours, but I finally made it through. I credit some of it to them actually making a couple of phone calls (about 3 1/2 hours in) to find out that I really was who I said I was, but I think that most of it was because I didn't give them any reason to deny me entrance into the country. Like I've said to you, I also have to work on my confidence. But, even back two years ago, it was there enough for me to deal with this *alone*.

And, I will say again, I do highly doubt that someone would be denied entry into the US simply because they didn't have a job or marked "journalist" on their immigration form. There's stuff there that you don't know about (or haven't said to us). The "discretion" of border guards only goes so far.

I'm sure there area plenty of self-employed people who move to the US. I don't get the concern?

You had to work FOR someone, providing them your services, right? That does not make you unemployed!

Get references from those people. Make up a resume of work that you did for those people.

That's just as good if not better than working for McDonalds!

The US is built on movers, shakers and self-starters!! Being able to be self-motivated enough to be self-employed is a very admirable thing!!