Confused....

I would really appreciate your input here. I feel terrible right now. I met this really great guy on a dating site 2 months ago. He contacted me and we started talking and the sparks just flew. We were constantly on the phone, texting and e-mailing. We got along so well and agreed on almost everything.He flew out to meet me in Salt Lake City where I was on a business trip.
The physical chemistry was even better than the emotional connection we had been experiencing. We were both very happy.
We spent the weekend together and agreed to meet up over the holidays in the Caribbean.
We spent an average of three hours a day on the phone and it wasn't long before he told me he loved me and that I was his soul mate. I was feeling the same way.( I know, I know :-)

We met up and the first few days were fantastic! Then it all came undone. He received and email from his ex full of legal jargon about the settlement she would be seeking. They have been separated for a year. The marriage broke up because she is gay. He said he was ready for a new relationship but he was so shaken up by this mail. He moped around all day and would barely look at me or talk to me. This went on for the entire day and I grew increasingly anxious. Finally, I lost my temper with him. It was NYE and we were there to be together and I told him he was a liar.A liar because he obviously wasn't ready for me in his life and that I felt angry that he was letting this mail ruin our time together.

Well he has not forgiven me. I apologized profusely the next day but he just wanted me to leave him alone.He changed that night and said he felt my anger was completely out of proportion to the time we knew each other and he just backed off. We stayed like that for four days until he left. He says that there is a very strong connection between us but he doesn't know if the timing is right and he needs to think. We barely spoke at the airport. It was just awful.

He wrote me an email when he landed and said that he realized that he had disappointed me but he didn't feel that he was wretched towards me and that my anger towards him was uncalled for. He says I am a wonderful person but he felt far less than wonderful when I ws angry and he needed to think about this,
I gave him eight days space and then texted him a short message but he has not responded and it has been three days. I feel like my anger destroyed my chance at happiness and I don't know what to do.I feel guilty but confused how he could turn on me so permanently. I have so many regrets and I miss him terribly.

I don't know...I see his side. I see mine but I guess if a guy loves you as much as he said he did why is there no forgiveness? Why not break up with me instead of leaving it so open-ended but then not answer me?

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated...

It is difficult for me to write a fair post since I do not know how much this divorce email affected him financially and/or logistically and also I do not know the magnitude or timeliness of your anger.

I think that 2 months may not be enough time to feel real love and your outburst at a time when he was visibly upset may have given him second thoughts.

On the other hand, if he would have really loved you, he would have forgiven you already. That is what people in love do. My bf and I have had horrible fights and we end up making up.

I am sorry that your relationship is going through this. I have little hope that you two will get back together again. He may not be the kind of person that will give you closure, perhaps he feels that all is said and done already.

Hugs and be strong.

P.S. Your anger did not destroy your chance at happiness. You apologized and he should have forgiven you. How can you be happy with a person that offers no room for the expression of your feelings, justified or not.

What an awkward and painful situation for you to have gone through!

He was obviously very affected by the content of the email his ex sent him. It would have been nice for him to try his best to put it on the back burner so that the two of you could enjoy your time together, but he may be very, very sensitive and this could be how he deals with painful situations. I quickly imagined how hurtful and shocking it would be for me to find out that my S.O. was gay after being in a long term relationship with him. I would be angry, and would probably find it difficult to trust others for some time afterwards. After getting the ex's email about the "settlement" (do you know the details? She could be asking a lot from him) he may have felt like he was socked in the solar plexus, and being sensitive, continued to dwell on it despite the fact that he was in love with you and that it was New Year's Eve. Sometimes emotional pain can hit a person harder on a holiday. It's no excuse for someone to act like a child and mope and refuse to try and shake it off, but it does happen (it happened to my father on Christmas day and after repeated failed attempts to cheer him up, my brothers and I decided to let his sadness run its course... It lasted until the following morning). I'm sure you tried your best to console him and let him know you were there for him. When you finally let your anger get the best of you, he may have felt fearful about getting into another relationship that could end in heartbreak (he is probably feeling wary after his experiences).
Perhaps you could write him an email that would explain why you became so upset, but also mention that by placing yourself in his shoes, you can understand how the situation could have been painful for him, even debilitating to a degree. Let him know that you're sorry and that you will be there for him through this (that is, if you are willing to be! You may have to endure some moping and grumpiness). Then, maybe you should step back and see how he responds. This may be a good time for you to decide whether you want to be in a relationship with someone so sensitive! I think there are pros and cons to it, but if he is a kind man who treats you with respect, then his sensitivity may be a large bonus, overall. If he continues to express that he is hurt or that he is unsure of what he wants in his email response, then it's time to pick up the pieces of your heart and move forward.
I wish you luck. No matter what happens, you're going to be OK!

Hindsight is always 20:20. I think you may have blown it, albeit innocently enough. There is nothing quite like the financial aspect of divorce to bring out the ugliness between people and I have to tell you that I will feel a bitterness about the way my ex behaved in the process until the day I die. Nevertheless, one pushes on because any price is worth the freedom from the demands of this other person. The last thing one really wants right away is demands from another person. I'll bet his reaction was because your outburst mirrored that which he was trying to escape and he just said "Whoa!!". One previous meeting, no matter how intimate, does not give you dumping rights. Sadly, I don't think you really understood how tenuous he really felt.

I was also separated and in the process of a divorce when my relationship with my YM took off. I remember some doozies of arguments and I agree with your point that if someone really loves you, you stick it out. We did. But if I had it to do over, I would have waited longer before allowing myself to fall in love. The problem is that once you reach the point where you are in love, its sort of ridiculous to think you can just turn it off and throw it away like it never happened. But I do think you can back off and let him cool off and make the next move. Keep it open ended. You've e-mailed him an apology and expressed your feelings about him. I would send no more. If he doesn't respond back then he's not ready yet. You don't want a guy that fragile....it will be problematic at best.

I'm not without appreciation for how crummy you feel right now. I've had my share of blowups that I think were unfairly judged by others. All I can say is that once you find a guy who can handle that without it affecting his feelings about you, its wonderful. So as hurt as you are right now, I would tell you that you are actually better off to have this out of the way. If he comes around, then you know he has seen you and accepted you at your worst. If not, then you are not pushing on with a guy who is going to crumble and run at the first sign of trouble.

I think so early in a relationship we are still learning about each other. You've learned a lot about him and sadly, it wasn't what you thought he was all about. :(

Thanks for all the advice.

I have NOT written him an apology. I apologized at the moment it happened and just let things go from there and we just never got back on track. Three days prior to our spat/my hissy fit I had been in a severe diving accident and had to go into decompression and the whole thing. It was all quite scary really.
My nerves were not on their best behavior to say the least. No excuses here, just more info.

I had only texted him to say "I miss our conversations"...

I am torn between sending him a heartfelt email explaining and apologizing or just letting it go. This is why your input is so valuable to me. Plenty of food for thought here.

Does he know about your diving accident? Geez, if he does and didn't respond to something so scary, I say move on!

Yes, he knew about the accident, He was calling me the entire time but what could he do from where he was? I was on an island in the Caribbean and he was in California.That is one of the downsides to the LDR but okay. I handled it pretty well and I decided to not let it affect our vacation. I complained a bit on the phone but my joy in seeing him pretty much overrode everything else. I mentioned it because I was trying to give everyone a peek at my state of mind at the time. My nerves were shot basically and I KNOW I over-reacted. There is no doubt about that. I hate the feeling that my outburst cost me a shot at something good... I still think he should be cutting me some slack though. I am trying to do that for him, you know? I had a hissy and was basically a little snot for a few hours but I didn't throw any dinnerware.

What bothers me is that it feels unresolved. Please break up with me if that is what you need to do or ask for more time but this state of wishi-washiness is bogus and disrespectful.

Hi Chat Cat,

I don't know if this is right or wrong, but if I were in your shoes I would feel compelled to write that heartfelt apology and explanation. Just get it off your chest and admit that you may have over-reacted and ask for forgiveness. Take the high road. If he wants to continue the relationship, he will respond. If he doesn't respond you know where you stand and you can find closure and move on.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and even though it probably wasn't right of you to confront him, I understand why you did. Because of the long distance relationship the time that you are able to spend together is so precious....you didn't want to waste a minute. The timing of his ex's email was unfortunate. Out of respect for you he should have put it out of his mind until after your time together. I know...easier said than done, but at least he could have tried.

Write that email and I'm hoping he will respond and say he is sorry too. Good luck to you.

Addison

From what I understand, divorce is a very traumatic experience. As Rozie said, I think he was probably blown away by the demands of his soon to be ex-wife and your outburst probably reminded him of events during their marriage. What he needed from you was support and understanding. Your outburst gave the impression that you have difficulty delaying your gratification, so as to facilitate the needs of your partner who is in emotional turmoil.

At two months into a relationship, each individual is still 'sizing up' each other and sorry to say, two months is not enough time to know if you really love each other. Your personalities are very much different and you both got your wires crossed. As someone said before, you have to decide if you can deal with someone as sensitive as he appears to be.

I think you should send him that email explaining your actions and telling him that you understand how he feels. Do not make the email all about you. Let him see that you are selfless enough to put your feelings on the back burner for a while. His response or lack of one thereafter should give you some answers.

I'm sorry. I misunderstood. I thought the accident was after the holidays. If you haven't written him that note explaining where you were coming from and apologizing for over reacting, I'd do it...then I'd leave it alone. In all of this I think you've both made mistakes that are pretty equal in their magnitude. Lets see if he has the guts to rise to you level of integrity, by writing you back. Good luck!

Sorry for your anguish Chat. That must have been pretty awful for you. Two months is awfully quick to have such strong feelings....I know how it is though, been there before.

I'm thinking that he's more bummed out with the situation with his ex than with you. Your reaction was a little extreme...but I don't think it warrants his totally blowing you off.

I think you should send him the email apologizing for blowing up at him at a bad time, then at least you know you've done the right thing...not much else you can do.

Again, thank you to everyone. Your energy and support means a lot :-)

So guess who sent me an email late last night? He says he misses our conversations too and that he is sorry and somewhat ashamed at what has happened.He understood my no-reply to his last message to mean good-bye and closed with "i hope you can forgive me for my behavior, but i understand if you can't.
please believe me that all my communication with you was sincere, because it's true."

You could have knocked me down with a feather.

:D You are playing this very smart! Good luck.

Thanks for all the advice.

I have NOT written him an apology. I apologized at the moment it happened and just let things go from there and we just never got back on track. Three days prior to our spat/my hissy fit I had been in a severe diving accident and had to go into decompression and the whole thing. It was all quite scary really.
My nerves were not on their best behavior to say the least. No excuses here, just more info.

I had only texted him to say "I miss our conversations"...

I am torn between sending him a heartfelt email explaining and apologizing or just letting it go. This is why your input is so valuable to me. Plenty of food for thought here.

Men are terrified of angry women. That day, you became an angry woman. You were not a long term love affair, just a nicety in his life at the time. You two were not on the same page, maybe not even writing the same novel. You perhaps were looking at this as a love affair with an ending in marriage. He was looking at it as fun, sex and friendship, while he got his life back together.

Doesn't the timing of his ex's request set anyone else's bells and whistles off? It does mine. New Years Eve! It sounds like pure manipulation on her part, or his. I take a show me stance with men, especially with ldr's. It's too easy for a man to lie about his life circumstances. And since you have no friends in common, at least for a while, there is no one there to tell the truth. The one circumstance that popped up in my mind is that his ex is trying to use money to manipulate him into staying married to her. She may be gay, she may not be, but it does sound like she wants that man in her life. Statistically, she's likely to win. When a woman fights back for a man she's married to, she is three times as likely to win his heart back as the other woman. From my days as a Cosmo girl!

It looks to me that he's made up his mind about what he's going to do: take a destructive withdrawal stance every time you fight. And that does have some limits, in my book. Are you sure he won't leave anyway over his place in his divorce/life right now anyway?

Hugs

Ali

I think Ali has a good take on it.

I have had guys USE something I did to break up. It sure sounded that way to me.

I hope you can work it out with him, however, please tread carefully with your heart.

Well I did as suggested and wrote him a heart-felt apology and told him I missed him. I heard nothing back and this was eleven days or so ago. I have tried to get back on track with my life and went back to my dating site. Guess who put his profile back up? I am gutted. He led me to believe that I was his besheret( yiddish for soul mate) but that our timing was off. You know, I am the right person but it is all so complicated etc....Well then why is he back in Jdate? I feel like an idiot...

It's probably only a small consolation, but, at least you didn't invest years and years of your life and efforts into the relationship before you found out that you were incompatible.

*hugs*

I will confess that my firs reaction when I read your update was:

:mad: Oh boy what a MISERABLE lying RAT !!! :mad:

But I am too polite to say that out loud, so I will limit myself to telling you to turn this page over and consider yourself better off.