goodchild 01-17-2008, 07:17 PM I've seen on several occasions where OW express concerns that indicate that they feel insecure and feel like they are competing with YW because they are dating YM. Not that their YM are giving them reasons to feel threatened, but the fear or need to compete seems to be a deep rooted problem on the part of the OW.
So my question : YW do you feel threatened by OW or feel that you need to compete with OW? Do you ever feel worried that if he is at a work function with much older sophisticated, mature and professional women he will be tempted to start an affair OR realize that you are not mature and settled enough to have a longterm relationship/marriage. Do you worry that you might not be able to host a dinner party because you've had no experience in such things? Do you worry about your cooking skills at major family gatherings, especially during the holidays?
You are allowed to vote only once, but I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter:)
NB. This post was created in a good-natured way and my wish is not to offend anyone.
PinkPanther_04 01-17-2008, 08:18 PM Actually, "sophisticated, mature and professional women" sound kind of boring to me, unless they're also fun, adventurous and witty. And any guy I'd be interested in would be more inclined toward those latter traits. :D
I know enough people of all ages who have all sorts of strengths and weaknesses that I don't even consider things like that anymore. I can hold my own with just about anyone. Now, someone may want to underestimate me because of my age, but that's a reflection on them and they're likely to figure out that they're wrong pretty quickly.
Sophistication and the ability to roast the perfect turkey aren't the end all and be all of life (and it's not as if everyone figures these things out when they turn some magic age). Every single person has their own mix of qualities. Being the best you you can be is the important thing, and a lot of people don't ever figure that out regardless of their age. I do have brief, fleeting moments of insecurity, mostly because I'm still in school at nearly 30. Sometimes grad school just feels like a way to avoid adulthood, really. But most of the time I'm pretty confident, and a lot of that comes from my adaptability. If you're feeling at all insecure, make a point of learning about new things and keeping up with current events. If you feel like you can discuss just about anything that comes up in conversation, and ask intelligent questions about things you don't know, you'll probably feel more confident.
esjayo 01-17-2008, 08:40 PM YW do you feel threatened by OW or feel that you need to compete with OW?
I don't think I have ever felt threatened by OW, I actually feel more threatened around YW. Most of my friends are OW. Most OW tend to be more mature and don't judge as much as the YW. I do have my insecurities though and am usually shy with everyone the first time I meet them.
Do you ever feel worried that if he is at a work function with much older sophisticated, mature and professional women he will be tempted to start an affair OR realize that you are not mature and settled enough to have a longterm relationship/marriage?
I'm not involved in a relationship with the OM I am interested in, but hypothetically, I don't think he would be tempted to have an affair but I would worry that he may see me as too immature or not knowledgable enough to hold a decent conversation and may develop doubts of the relationship. I don't think he would doubt my commitment to a longterm relationship though, it would have to be up to him on whether he would want to continue.
Do you worry that you might not be able to host a dinner party because you've had no experience in such things?
I probably would worry considering all of his friends are actors/actresses and like socialising and doing the dinner party thing, I'm not used to travelling in his circles and would worry that I wouldn't fit in and be under scrutiny.
Do you worry about your cooking skills at major family gatherings, especially during the holidays?
Nah, I am a pretty good cook. Although one year I did make a chocolate tart after a big feast that I cooked up, I kind of overcooked it though. It was still edible, but my boyfriend of the time said in front of all his family, that was the worst he had ever tasted. I was absolutely devastated and embarassed.....lol. I spent the rest of the night unable to talk as I was biting my lip to stop it from quivering...LOL. Pathetic, I know.
goodchild 01-17-2008, 10:32 PM Sophistication and the ability to roast the perfect turkey aren't the end all and be all of life (and it's not as if everyone figures these things out when they turn some magic age). Every single person has their own mix of qualities. Being the best you you can be is the important thing, and a lot of people don't ever figure that out regardless of their age. I do have brief, fleeting moments of insecurity, mostly because I'm still in school at nearly 30. Sometimes grad school just feels like a way to avoid adulthood, really. But most of the time I'm pretty confident, and a lot of that comes from my adaptability. If you're feeling at all insecure, make a point of learning about new things and keeping up with current events. If you feel like you can discuss just about anything that comes up in conversation, and ask intelligent questions about things you don't know, you'll probably feel more confident.
As usual PP very insightful! In the beginning of my relationship, I did feel a little threatened by OW, but it emanated from not understanding why a man of his stature would be interested in me. As our relationship progressed that threat was no longer there as we had so much in common, which explained our attraction to each other.
I'm usually confident about my home making skills but after we moved in together, I kept wondering if he was silently comparing me to his ex-wife. Then I learned that she had both nannies and housekeepers and my insecurities disappeared. On a general basis though, I do not feel threatened by older women. I'm confident enough to know that I can hold my own in pretty much any situation.
goodchild 01-17-2008, 10:47 PM Do you worry that you might not be able to host a dinner party because you've had no experience in such things?
I probably would worry considering all of his friends are actors/actresses and like socialising and doing the dinner party thing, I'm not used to travelling in his circles and would worry that I wouldn't fit in and be under scrutiny.
I can relate to that one. I get along well with people of all ages and older people seem to enjoy my company. However, I did feel a little worried that maybe people would snub me at dinner parties, thinking I'd have very little to contribute. However, once he introduced me to a few people and a conversation began, it was very hard for him to get me away from them. I now know many of the people that patronize the functions we generally attend together so I feel totally at home most times.
My sweetie has a wonderful way of easing me into any situation I might not be familiar with and if I'm unsure about anything, I feel comfortable asking him for guidance or I do some research.
Greeneyedlily 01-17-2008, 11:08 PM Ok, well, he's not mine but I have to admit I have felt a TINY bit threatened when the mothers of the children are in the dojo, or when a new woman started and she ended up being a lot closer to his age...(although she LOOKED a few yrs older than myself!) but I have one thing on my side and that's youth. Sometimes it is a mixed blessing, but what YW have now is what OW wish they had all over again! LOL Not trying to be mean or arrogant, that's just the way I think about it so I DON'T feel threatened... lol It's like most guys' fantasy to have a younger woman... so why would he want an older one when there's a younger one standing right in front of him? PLUS when the YW have more mature qualities in comparison to their peers, and to some OW as well, it's getting the both of best worlds for the OM, right?! LOL But, ok, the hot 40 yr old still bugs me, especially if I think she's talking to him too long.... haha BUT then he smiles at me and it's like I know he must totally want me! You'd have to see these looks... I swear they'd melt ice!
sheila4pd 01-17-2008, 11:50 PM Goodchild, no ofense from your thread. I think it is quite interesting. Being threatened IMO is not so much a factor of the age of the other women but of the love and commitment your man feels towards you.
goodchild 01-18-2008, 09:20 AM Goodchild, no ofense from your thread. I think it is quite interesting. Being threatened IMO is not so much a factor of the age of the other women but of the love and commitment your man feels towards you.
Point taken Sheila, but the angle from which I took my discussion stem from questions where OW feel very insecure because their ym is going to be in the company of yw -for example, an office party and most of his colleagues are yw. The OW tend to be worried that somehow, being around yw where there is booze and some dancing, the ym will find himself lusting or possibly find himself in a compromising situation. I have seen many a post here about situations like this and it is very often an OW/YM relationship that is not in the early stages. What is interesting, is that the older women give no indication that their younger partners give them any reason to doubt their commitment to their relationship. So why the fear?
What is even more interesting, is that other OW seem to share the OP discontent, apprehension and anxiety that the ym is in such a 'precarious' situation (in the company of yw). In some sense, I get the impression that the OW is worried that the yw will throw themselves at the ym and then the ym will have trouble controlling himself.
I've never seen a post by a YW who is worried because her OM is at a party with his colleagues from work. Why is that so? There are many hot , sophisticated, worldly, intelligent 40+ women out there that even me sometimes stop and say "wow I want to look like that when I'm her age" Yet I do not feel threatened by them.
PS. I am using the party scenario as an example, but that doesn't mean I'm speaking about any OW in particular or my comments are directed at any particular member here.:)
Misery 01-18-2008, 10:14 AM :p but I have one thing on my side and that's youth. Sometimes it is a mixed blessing, but what YW have now is what OW wish they had all over again!:p
No offense Greeneyed lily, but are you kidding? What make you so sure we wish we had it all over again? I wouldn't go back to that age for anything...i've never been happier than i am now. And by the way , not all men want a younger woman. My VYM didn't pick me for my age, he wants me for me. And for the most part i am who i am BECAUSE of my age, not in spite of it. :bgrin2:
tinydancer 01-18-2008, 10:35 AM I would not go back to being in my 20's or 30's for anything...hell no lol!
Too much inner turmoil.
Besides, my generation had the best music, the general public still gave a damn, sex, drugs, and rock n roll was our motto :D
Glad I lived it....glad it's over and that I survived many things that I shouldn't have lol!
When I was involved with a y/m for 5 years....I did seem to care more about my looks which I hated but......I would never be with a man that I was worried about trusting, etc....
And BTW...I am 47 and usually try to avoid cooking at all costs!
I'll go a party much quicker than I'll throw one....let someone else do all the work and the clean up;)
Blessings, TD
sheila4pd 01-18-2008, 10:48 AM Point taken Sheila, but the angle from which I took my discussion stem from questions where OW feel very insecure because their ym is going to be in the company of yw -for example, an office party and most of his colleagues are yw. The OW tend to be worried that somehow, being around yw where there is booze and some dancing, the ym will find himself lusting or possibly find himself in a compromising situation. I have seen many a post here about situations like this and it is very often an OW/YM relationship that is not in the early stages. What is interesting, is that the older women give no indication that their younger partners give them any reason to doubt their commitment to their relationship. So why the fear?
What is even more interesting, is that other OW seem to share the OP discontent, apprehension and anxiety that the ym is in such a 'precarious' situation (in the company of yw). In some sense, I get the impression that the OW is worried that the yw will throw themselves at the ym and then the ym will have trouble controlling himself.
I've never seen a post by a YW who is worried because her OM is at a party with his colleagues from work. Why is that so? There are many hot , sophisticated, worldly, intelligent 40+ women out there that even me sometimes stop and say "wow I want to look like that when I'm her age" Yet I do not feel threatened by them.
PS. I am using the party scenario as an example, but that doesn't mean I'm speaking about any OW in particular or my comments are directed at any particular member here.:)
I see wher you come from GC, but I (and many OW here) am not one of those women who feel threatened by other women, older or younger. However I believe that out of respect (and previously agreed standards) some activities should be avoided such as dancing and clubbing with people from the opposite gender or sleeping in the same hotel room. My bf would not appreciate it if I went dancing with male friends, not because he feels threatened but because it is against his principles. We are on the same page on this.
On the other hand I have noticed that some YW get personally offended when they find out a man their age prefers an OW, and start a campaign to debunk the older woman. I do not think the opposite is as prevalent.
In response to Greeneyedlilly:
There is a joke guys tell: "I love college girls, I get older but they stay the same age". What if an OM loves you because you are young? what happens when you are not young, and firm, and pretty anymore? What happens when you get fat and flabby from pregnancy, when the boobs get saggy from breastfeeding? When the first wrinkles start showing up? Will he switch to a newer tighter model?
The joy of being an older woman is that you know that perishable youth is NOT what your man is after when he fell in love with you.
goodchild 01-18-2008, 11:10 AM I
On the other hand I have noticed that some YW get personally offended when they find out a man their age prefers an OW, and start a campaign to debunk the older woman. I do not think the opposite is as prevalent.
Young or old the man should be able to control himself. So what if the yw comes on to him or "attempt to debunk the OW?" Is the ym helpless? What of his responsibility? Women of all ages flirt with men. If the yw is capable of 'debunking the ow' then obviously he wasn't into the ow in the first place. Where is the commitment? I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not capable of exercising self control or stay true to his commitment. Is the ym to be protected because of his age? Isn't he a man, an adult?
Once again the burden of self control and sexual restraint is placed on women; in this case yw.
Strwbrries 01-18-2008, 11:21 AM I know when I dated older men, I did feel threatened by women closer to their own age because I always felt that they had more in common; music, memories of growing up during a certain era, the "remember when we were kids" very different from "remember when I was a kid" oh yeah, you were grown already. An older woman had that polish that I just didnt feel that I had, I was still green around the edges.
Now that Im in my mid 30's there is NO WAY that I would be in my 20's again. Forget it all that trying to find out who you really are, always trying to find an angle to try to get to a guy, instead now when we're women we know what we want and just go out and get it, that hesitation isnt there anymore.
I think the threat that older women feel towards younger women isnt their youth, but the fact that most younger women dont respect or see the relationship that an older woman has with a younger man as "real". It's this mentallity that bugs the hell out of us because they are constantly throwing themselves at the younger partners. It gets annoying and old. (no pun intended) lol
WHen I was single and with best friend at a bar, we overheard some young women early 20's talking about an older woman with her ym date and how one of the women was going to try to chat up the ym "after all, look whats he with, she doesnt have a chance."
I believe we all clapped and sent the couple a round when the ym turned the yw down. That was a funny night.
goodchild 01-18-2008, 12:04 PM I think the threat that older women feel towards younger women isnt their youth, but the fact that most younger women dont respect or see the relationship that an older woman has with a younger man as "real". It's this mentallity that bugs the hell out of us because they are constantly throwing themselves at the younger partners. It gets annoying and old. (no pun intended) lol
Most ow /om (just people in general) feel that ow/ym relationships are not 'real' so I still don't get it. As I stated before, why feel threatened if the ym is committed to the ow. Afterall, he's not with her because she's older, he is with her because of her personality; at least that's what most ow profess about their relationships on this site: They are not together because of the age, love just happened; age played very little or no part in their attraction to each other.
Is it that most ym is just as fickle as most yw? Again I ask, what about the ym's responsibility in all of this? Is he helpless and have to be protected? Is he not an adult? Is he more likely to be swayed by a yw than an om would?
The situations I presented in my first post are situations in which the yw could feel threatened by OW but from the poll (so far) most don't feel that way and I'm really interested in hearing their views. I've never seen a post indicating such fears.
YW, please vote!
sheila4pd 01-18-2008, 01:11 PM Young or old the man should be able to control himself. So what if the yw comes on to him or "attempt to debunk the OW?" Is the ym helpless? What of his responsibility? Women of all ages flirt with men. If the yw is capable of 'debunking the ow' then obviously he wasn't into the ow in the first place. Where is the commitment? I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not capable of exercising self control or stay true to his commitment. Is the ym to be protected because of his age? Isn't he a man, an adult?
Once again the burden of self control and sexual restraint is placed on women; in this case yw.
You misunderstood me, I did not say that YM fall for every YW that bats her eyelashes at him, I was just stating an amusing observation of mine regarding some YW when they encounter a OW/YM relationship.
In a way, Greeneyed summed it quite well with the statement, "why would he want an older one when there's a younger one standing right in front of him". Well, it happens, some YM love and want their OW and will not drop her for any other woman younger or not.
I agree with you that YM (OM, YW and OW as well) have to exercise self-control when dealing with a flirt. It happens to all of us but we have to be faithful. And if there is no need to put ourselves in a situation of dealing with flirts, why do it?
P.S. In my experience some OM also get personally offended by OW prefering YM, specially if the OM is your ex. :p
Strwbrries 01-18-2008, 02:45 PM Most ow /om (just people in general) feel that ow/ym relationships are not 'real' so I still don't get it. As I stated before, why feel threatened if the ym is committed to the ow. Afterall, he's not with her because she's older, he is with her because of her personality; at least that's what most ow profess about their relationships on this site: They are not together because of the age, love just happened; age played very little or no part in their attraction to each other.
Is it that most ym is just as fickle as most yw? Again I ask, what about the ym's responsibility in all of this? Is he helpless and have to be protected? Is he not an adult? Is he more likely to be swayed by a yw than an om would?
The situations I presented in my first post are situations in which the yw could feel threatened by OW but from the poll (so far) most don't feel that way and I'm really interested in hearing their views. I've never seen a post indicating such fears.
YW, please vote!
Oh i agree there is a responsibility. An any younger man who is so easily swayed isnt worth having but like I said some women view other women who continuously throw themselves at their men as a threat. Some women. I personally see them as annoying, kind of like a toddler saying look at me look at me or those little dogs that try to hump your ankles and wont leave you alone and I have found that my fiance feels the same way.
Honestly, I remember my godmother (R.I.P.) who once said about men and women in general
" It's about that person's moral fabric. You can have a woman who is always throwing herself at a man even though the man has shown no interest and when the man finally decides to takes whats so freely offered, she gets upset when it's not for the long term and his attention quickly passes to someone else who does interest him. It's about a man's moral fabric and if he happy to take what is freely given even when he has someone at home who loves them. For those type of people, there is nothing to do but feel pity for them because they dont have anything real to offer or they dont know what they have at home can one day disappear. Dont waste your tears on a man who isnt worth having or your anger at a woman who will always end up alone."
She told me this after an exbf cheated on me. I loved her dearly and I miss her very much.
Everyone is responsible, the woman has no respect for herself or another's relationship, the man who doesnt respect his relationship or his partner and the woman either looks away from what is happening or doesnt have enough respect for herself to be with a man who would tell the other woman to get lost or leave the jerk who would take anything offered.
Thankfully, I have been present when my Fiance has told some chick to go get stuffed.
scott2075 01-18-2008, 04:39 PM I don't feel threatened by any older women. I didn't feel threatened when I was in an age gap relationship. My problem is, I see every adult as equals, I don't see age, but I tend to get along with the older people better.
If you know that you are the shiznit, then there is no worries about your SO thinking someone else is. Judge people's performance.
Greeneyedlily 01-18-2008, 05:23 PM Wasn't trying to bag on anyone! My statements were made in jest as the thread was too! I'm not judging anyone by their age, I'm just saying from the stereotypical standpoint... that it's common for older men to fantasise about younger women... wasn't saying anyone was sagging or dragging LOL (hell, my weight's been up and down my whole life, so essentially, my boobs aren't as perky as they they should be!) But like I said, I meant no offense, I was just going off of what is common thought... and it could be the same thing about young stud with muscles and tight bods... lol works both ways, I was just saying that's personally what I tell MYSELF so that I don't feel threatened! LOL I mean common ladies with more life experience... educated, have a career already, own a house, are self sufficient... those are kind of intimidating to a college student who still technically lives at home!
tinydancer 01-18-2008, 06:21 PM You know, it's funny, I had more "issues" with y/w's when I was still a y/w myself lol.
We were all competing for the same jobs, same guys, etc...
Now, the older I get, the more I can look at a y/w and appreciate any beauty she might posess, her talent, her intellect, etc....especially if she is one of my dancers lol!
I can look back at my own life at "her" age with fondness and then.........I cringe :p
I have gained so much more than I've lost over the years and I am so glad that it's all way behind me!!!
As "pretty" as others may have considered me at 20....I felt that I was always being judged, put up on a pedestal (only to be brought down), was used for arm candy, etc....
Now, I think I am prettier and it doesn't matter if others agree or not.
I am still a size 2 and still have an a** that doesn't spread when I sit down :eek:, am so much wiser, mellow, can laugh at things that would have kept me fretting for days, and so on.
I also feel a lot more elegant than I used to.....pretty cool!
My advice to young or old.......live your life with grace...it never goes out of style and it is a very attractive quality to most men younger or older.
Blessings, TD
soccermom79 01-18-2008, 07:10 PM I can honestly say I do not feel threatened because many of those things you described are things about my OM ex wife that he has mentioned he does not miss. He says he enjoys my fresh unjaded view on life because it makes him feel young again.
Melissa
Kristin 01-18-2008, 07:51 PM but I have one thing on my side and that's youth. Sometimes it is a mixed blessing, but what YW have now is what OW wish they had all over again! LOL Not trying to be mean or arrogant, that's just the way I think about it so I DON'T feel threatened... lol It's like most guys' fantasy to have a younger woman... so why would he want an older one when there's a younger one standing right in front of him? PLUS when the YW have more mature qualities in comparison to their peers, and to some OW as well, it's getting the both of best worlds for the OM, right?! LOL But, ok, the hot 40 yr old still bugs me, especially if I think she's talking to him too long.... haha BUT then he smiles at me and it's like I know he must totally want me! You'd have to see these looks... I swear they'd melt ice!
Umm...wow. I do hope this was in jest.
Well, OW ladies, remember being that age and thinking youth was forever too? :rolleyes:
I don't get how YW can be so disparaging to OW when they are going to be there themselves in a few short years.
I think ANYONE would feel threatened if their guy was in the presence of their ideal woman. But that woman may not have to be sophisticated nor young.
My husband has had plenty of opportunity with YW. Flat abs and no wrinkles does not make a woman beautiful & desirable. Sorry.
Ever hear of beauty being in the eye of the beholder? ;)
goodchild 01-18-2008, 09:47 PM Umm...wow. I do hope this was in jest.
Well, OW ladies, remember being that age and thinking youth was forever too? :rolleyes:
I don't get how YW can be so disparaging to OW when they are going to be there themselves in a few short years.
I think ANYONE would feel threatened if their guy was in the presence of their ideal woman. But that woman may not have to be sophisticated nor young.
My husband has had plenty of opportunity with YW. Flat abs and no wrinkles does not make a woman beautiful & desirable. Sorry.
Ever hear of beauty being in the eye of the beholder? ;)
She did explain the thinking behind her post in a later thread.
I'm happy a few other yw have responded. I know yw don't visit this site in droves so it will take some time to get their responses.
Kristin 01-18-2008, 10:17 PM She did explain the thinking behind her post in a later thread.
I'm happy a few other yw have responded. I know yw don't visit this site in droves so it will take some time to get their responses.
Right. That her comments were made in jest. I was just saying I hope that they were and why. Maybe I just didn't get her explaination.
To me it sounded more like older women aren't a threat so why feel threatened? Like pouring gasoline on fire on this board! ;)
With stuff like that I'm not sure why one wouldn't expect OW to be a little defensive - even if it's in "jest."
The whole "one is better than the other" thing is so stupid anyhow.
Our men love us - young or older - for who we ARE. Not how OLD we are. So why put one or the other down or feel threatened by any?
YW should defend OW because they will be OW some day and OW shouldn't allow dissing on YW because we WERE there once! :yes:
Sorry if you're getting too many OW responses, but a lot of us just hit the "New Posts" button and don't pay attention to which "side" we are on.
YW could learn a lot from the OW insight, I would think.
Like I said, in this society, you'll suddenly find yourself on the other side real quick.
goodchild 01-18-2008, 10:57 PM Kirstin, I need yw to respond because the poll is for yw only. I don't mind OW responses.
You made good points about women defending each other and that is why I posted the thread in the first place. I notice that many ow seem to think of yw as threat to their relationships and I wanted to see if the opposite is true because I don't think it is.
Even on this thread more than one person has said that yw generally deliberately flirt with their ym in an attempt to 'debunk ow.' I'm saying that even in such cases the ow should not feel threatened by the yw as it is the responsibility of the ym to rebuff such advances. If he falls, then he is responsible, not the yw. OW do flirt with ym as well so other ow could be a threat to the ow/ym relationship as well. so, why feel threaened by yw in particular?
sheila4pd 01-18-2008, 11:05 PM Kirstin, I need yw to respond because the poll is for yw only. I don't mind OW responses.
You made good points about women defending each other and that is why I posted the thread in the first place. I notice that many ow seem to think of yw as threat to their relationships and I wanted to see if the opposite is true because I don't think it is.
Even on this thread more than one person has said that yw generally deliberately flirt with their ym in an attempt to 'debunk ow.' I'm saying that even in such cases the ow should not feel threatened by the yw as it is the responsibility of the ym to rebuff such advances. If he falls, then he is responsible, not the yw. OW do flirt with ym as well so other ow could be a threat to the ow/ym relationship as well. so, why feel threaened by yw in particular?
Well, you got me curious about what OW have to say about feeling threatened... I will make a poll, do not sue me for copyrights! ;)
Kristin 01-18-2008, 11:08 PM I know - I hate those generalized comments.
I guess I don't feel threatened by YW and another YW here (Merilove) consistantly posted that OW shouldn't dis YW/OM and that it's the person and not the age. I guess she converted me, so I hate to see it happening ANYWHERE on the boards.
I disagree with comments that YW do this or OW do that. Unless it's a first person experience with a particular person, it shouldn't be posted like fact!
So, no, it's definitely not cool if OW do it either! :no:
entropyembrace 01-18-2008, 11:58 PM I personally see them as annoying, kind of like a toddler saying look at me look at me or those little dogs that try to hump your ankles and wont leave you alone and I have found that my fiance feels the same way.
:giggle: I think the same way
If they are going to offer themselves so easily to me they are going to do the same to someone else. :yes:
That or they're just doing it to get attention or have some fun at the expense of someone else. :rolleyes: Like the yw someone mentioned earlier that went to hit on a ym with his om.
goodchild 01-19-2008, 09:15 AM Well, you got me curious about what OW have to say about feeling threatened... I will make a poll, do not sue me for copyrights! ;)
Fire away Sheila! :cool: The results should be interesting:yes:
Calling all yw, please vote and add your comments
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 09:16 AM """"I can honestly say I do not feel threatened because many of those things you described are things about my OM ex wife that he has mentioned he does not miss. He says he enjoys my fresh unjaded view on life because it makes him feel young again."""""
You know, I went on the Oprah Show to answer that very old question lol!
Does being with a y/m make you feel younger???
Hell NO....it made me feel ancient, it was something to work through but definitely not a plus lol!
I would be worried if anyone felt younger or older b/c of the age of their partner......I wouldn't want a man to be with me b/c I made him feel more mature or older, etc....
I only want the man who loves me for exactly who I am and b/c we are on the same page......regardless of age :yes:
Blessings, TD
goodchild 01-19-2008, 09:43 AM """"I can honestly say I do not feel threatened because many of those things you described are things about my OM ex wife that he has mentioned he does not miss. He says he enjoys my fresh unjaded view on life because it makes him feel young again."""""
You know, I went on the Oprah Show to answer that very old question lol!
Does being with a y/m make you feel younger???
Hell NO....it made me feel ancient, it was something to work through but definitely not a plus lol!
I would be worried if anyone felt younger or older b/c of the age of their partner......I wouldn't want a man to be with me b/c I made him feel more mature or older, etc....
I only want the man who loves me for exactly who I am and b/c we are on the same page......regardless of age :yes:
Blessings, TD
No offense Tiny, but many people try to dismiss the fact that having a younger person in their lives make them feel younger; it invigorates them. Over and over I've seen where members here dismiss that and I think that is bull!
Many older partners do get a kick out of having smooth tight perky skin next to them, the freshness of ideas, the zest for life among a long list of things.
It is no shame for an older partner to say that an attribute of their younger partner makes them feel younger; that is not to say that he is with her because of her youth. If many more older partner where to be honest about how being with their partner makes them feel then we wouldn't go around trying to dismiss the impact that youth brings to the vibrancy of these relationships. There are many OW who feel a renewed sense of life after being with a ym and they wouldn't date a same age man or older because he does not have that vibrancy and other attributes of the ym. While they are others that would date an older man but the ym revived their zest for life..If we were to be privy to the private conversations between girlfriends talking about the action in bed and him being ready all the time etc and the guys who get the thumbs up by their friends for being with a 'young thing, we certainly wouldn't be having this conversation.For the same reason, many OM wouldn't date a same age woman or older.
Whether we want to accept it or not, age does play an important factor in the relationship. Often the older person brings experience and life skills and the younger partner brings fresh ideas among other things. This is one of the beauty of age gap relationships and why it works for many people. (of course compatibility is a major factor.)
If age was not a factor, we wouldn't have a need for this forum. The age difference has both positives and negatives to it. Why gather here and acknowledge the challenges but feel ashame to embrace the positives. I'm tired of people being bashed because they express a desire for a younger or older partner.
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 10:07 AM Just my honest opinion but anyone, male or female who prefers someone just b/c of their age has issues.
I fell in love with someone younger and YES I was glad this forum existed b/c I thought I had lost my mind!
We went on to marry, etc....
Am sure that my comment will get some flack but....oh well!
To disregard our own generations is kind of sad to me.
Also, life is a journey and to try to recapture something that is gone is folly.
To love a person's qualities and where they are in their journey is preferable to me.
And, btw, you can still bounce a quarter off of any place on my body lol!
Same with my 45 year old man........yup!
If it is the youthful package that one is loving...what is the difference between that and the preverbial shiny red sports car or the term (for the ladies) being a Cougar???
goodchild 01-19-2008, 10:20 AM To love a person's qualities and where they are in their journey is preferable to me.
And, btw, you can still bounce a quarter off of any place on me body lol!
Same with my 45 year old man........yup!
If it is the youthful package that one is loving...what is the difference between that and the preverbial shiny red sports car or the term (for the ladies) being a Cougar???
This is it! We try so hard to avoid stereotypes so much, that we feel ashame of ourselves. We avoid saying I love the look of gray hair on an older man for fear that we may be termed as sick. We avoid saying that this hunk of guy (ym) lying next to me makes me giddy. It's ok to think it, just don't say it.
I did not say that it is ok to love someone because of their age, but nothing is wrong with having a preference for a younger or older partner. Further there's nothing sick in admitting that the younger partner's body and fresh outlook on life makes you feel younger, or the experience and knowledge that the older partner brings to the relationship gives you a sense of security or you get turned on by the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes.
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 10:36 AM Preferences are, imo, just fine lol!
I can state the things that drew me to all the men I have known in my life but still.........that "shiny red sports car" gets miles on it as the years go by.
To define ones self through their older or younger love is delusional and shallow to me though.
Of course I loved my ex husbands qualities, looks included but in no way did I forget all of my years of experience and everywhere I'd been and the generation that included me.
I hate it when I hear women stating....."I look so young for my age" like it is some sort of rationality to being with a younger man.
Some of us do look very young for our age and, socially speaking, that seems to be a good thing.
My ex looked much older which "seemed" to be more acceptable in regard to social pressure.
Not sure how healthy it is though!
Don't forget, you will get older and, hopefully, gain more and more inner beauty, experiences, etc...
Any "security" one might feel with another is not a "fix" for gaining your own!.........male or female, younger or older!
goodchild 01-19-2008, 10:40 AM Don't forget, you will get older and, hopefully, gain more and more inner beauty, experiences, etc...
Any "security" one might feel with another is not a "fix" for gaining your own!.........male or female, younger or older!
I agree with you on this!
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 10:46 AM Oh good lol!
I have just been around these boards for soooo long (years longer than my profile states) and I have seen so much inner confusion regarding our looks or the very natural and beautiful aging process that I feel compelled to respond to some of these things!
My love now is from Bulgaria, we are the same age and have had many of the same experiences but still he grew up in a communist country where as I did not.
Point?....Differences can be wonderful as long as it doesn't cause one to question or fret about where they are right now!
Kristin 01-19-2008, 10:53 AM This is it! We try so hard to avoid stereotypes so much, that we feel ashame of ourselves. We avoid saying I love the look of gray hair on an older man for fear that we may be termed as sick. We avoid saying that this hunk of guy (ym) lying next to me makes me giddy. It's ok to think it, just don't say it.
I did not say that it is ok to love someone because of their age, but nothing is wrong with having a preference for a younger or older partner. Further there's nothing sick in admitting that the younger partner's body and fresh outlook on life makes you feel younger, or the experience and knowledge that the older partner brings to the relationship gives you a sense of security or you get turned on by the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes.
Maybe it's not shame but being sensitive to others is the issue?
A good rule of thumb about age comments here would be to try to apply if you would say similar things in a racially insensitive way.
It's one thing to say that you love your man's smile wrinkles, but saying "older men are better looking because they have smile wrinkles" could be offensive to younger men or women with younger partners. So it's one thing to say "I love my man's Nordic looks" and another to say "black skin is ugly." It's insensitive and a generalization and no one would ever dare say that for fear of offending someone. But they will say disparaging things about certain ages. Not good, IMO.
Thats why I try to avoid making generalizations or comparing one vs the other.
Like I mentioned to an OM member recently - this is Ageless Love, not "Older Love" or "Younger Love". The point is to show that age should not be a factor. The point is that we love our SO because of WHO they are and not how old they are. Age simply, flat out does not make the person. One can say that younger makes a person feel younger or gives a fresh perspective - but I can say the same about many older people I know. Many OW and OM here have given me fresh perspectives - and they are older than I am! Again - it's not the age - it's the person.
I, personally, am looking forward to seeing Jeremy get his smile wrinkles as he gets older. I think he will age very well. His lack of wrinkles has nothing to do with my attraction for him. I think that is a really misguided stereotype that many people have. Same along the lines that OM only want YW because they are going through some mid-life crisis and they don't care who the woman is - so long as she's under 30. :rolleyes:
I don't think most YW here would take kindly to someone saying that is the reason their OM is with them?
So, if one feels the need to defend against other non-AGR YW (or OW) putting down OM by using silly stereotypes, then yes, by all means point out what you feel is positive about your OM for you.
But I think that a site like this, it's best to remain unbiased and realize that we are here to defend AGRs - not bash one age or the other. And by the nature of expounding virtues of one age, it tends to automatically make negative implications for the opposite.
So just better to be polite and keep it to yourself, IMO.
And really, there isn't anything that I could say about my younger husband that a YW couldn't say about their older man. So making those points is really...pointless! :yes:
I find myself defending YW/OM relationships IRL as a result of being a member of this site and the insight the YW/OM here have given me.
And that's the way it should be!
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 10:56 AM Beautiful post Kristin!
goodchild 01-19-2008, 11:04 AM Maybe it's not shame but being sensitive to others is the issue?
This is the very reason I responded to Tiny the way I did initially. One could interpret from her post that she was bashing the yw for saying that her OM likes her unjaded views on life. I want yw to feel comfortable posting and because we are the minority here, yw do not post readily for fear that they will step on the toes of OW. I was worried when I decided to make this thread, because I didn't want to offend OW, but I felt strongly about the topic so I decided to go ahead.
I hope more yw post, because I am interested in hearing their responses.
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 11:06 AM Um...no lol!
I am old and pretty damn unjaded myself!
I was responding more to the "tight skin" etc....
tinydancer 01-19-2008, 11:10 AM I guess you could say that since I put the unjaded thing in quotations :o
Just felt that her response there was a slam to being older.
It in no way applies to most older people I know!
I am more afraid that too many o/w, o/m are looking for a "do-over" that doesn't exist.
That's all!
Kristin 01-19-2008, 11:13 AM I understand. And I want all of our members to feel comfortable posting here, as well!!
But EVERYONE needs to be considerate of other people's feelings when posting and needs to think of how they are wording things before posting.
When I first started posting here, I didn't understand how many generalizations I made and how they implied negative things to other members. It was actually a YW member - Merilove - who finally made me realize that I was still harping on age and that there was a better way of saying things so as not to offend others.
You know, I went on the Oprah Show to answer that very old question lol!
Does being with a y/m make you feel younger???
Hell NO....it made me feel ancient, it was something to work through but definitely not a plus lol!
I would be worried if anyone felt younger or older b/c of the age of their partner......I wouldn't want a man to be with me b/c I made him feel more mature or older, etc....
I only want the man who loves me for exactly who I am and b/c we are on the same page......regardless of age
Interesting that you would read that post as Tiny "bashing" the YW or that it even could be seen that way. The YW said her OM says she makes him feel younger and Tiny said from her OW vantage point that YM DIDN'T make her feel younger at all.
It seemed like her perspective - not a criticism. She didn't say that the OM was wrong to feel that way - only that she wouldn't feel comfortable being put in that position?
Kristin 01-19-2008, 11:23 AM I want yw to feel comfortable posting and because we are the minority here, yw do not post readily for fear that they will step on the toes of OW. I was worried when I decided to make this thread, because I didn't want to offend OW, but I felt strongly about the topic so I decided to go ahead.
One question. Why does supporting YW/OM relationships have to even venture into the conversation about OW?
I thnk what happened to get so many older women commenting in your thread was the preface of:
I've seen on several occasions where OW express concerns that indicate that they feel insecure and feel like they are competing with YW because they are dating YM. Not that their YM are giving them reasons to feel threatened, but the fear or need to compete seems to be a deep rooted problem on the part of the OW.
It specifically addressed OW and OW's "deep rooted problems" so of course you are going to get comments from older women here.
Perhaps it would have been better to just ask the question and not get into the "problems" OW seemed to have? That would have kept the older women out of the conversation. Actually, I'd have bet that most OW would have come to YW defense and said that they have a lot to offer and shouldn't be threatened. Instead they may have felt a bit looked down on?
Usually here it's just how something is worded or prefaced that causes ruffled feathers.
There's absolutely no reason why YW should feel worried about stepping on OW toes unless they take some sort of "us vs. them" stance. That seems to be the thing that gets most people riled up.
I don't like it when they do it to YW or OM on the OW/YM side either and I say so!!
goodchild 01-19-2008, 11:26 AM I understand. And I want all of our members to feel comfortable posting here, as well!!
But EVERYONE needs to be considerate of other people's feelings when posting and needs to think of how they are wording things before posting.
When I first started posting here, I didn't understand how many generalizations I made and how they implied negative things to other members. It was actually a YW member - Merilove - who finally made me realize that I was still harping on age and that there was a better way of saying things so as not to offend others.
Interesting that you would read that post as Tiny "bashing" the YW or that it even could be seen that way. The YW said her OM says she makes him feel younger and Tiny said from her OW vantage point that YM DIDN'T make her feel younger at all.
It seemed like her perspective - not a criticism. She didn't say that the OM was wrong to feel that way - only that she wouldn't feel comfortable being put in that position?
She didn't say it but it was implied. "I wouldn't want a man to be with me because I made him feel more mature or older etc.." The bottom line is that when an issue affects us personally we see the nuances in the comments of others. It is very easy for OW to take issue with things that affect them but not so much when the shoe is on the other foot. I don't want to get into this right now, but the reason I made this thread is because very often OW make statements here that put down yw even as they express their own insecurities. The perception that "most yw try to debunk ow" etc. Over and over it is implied here and nobody says anything. Anyway, enough for the day. I'm going shopping.
Can you kindly close this thread! I know better than to speak my mind here! I hope it's clear why the YW/OM section is so dead
