larasteele
03-16-2003, 04:11 PM
Okay, I need help...I've been debating myself for a few days and we all know that's a circular arguement...any advice from someone who's been here would be much appreciated...I'm also trying to keep this short(er) so if I leave out any helpful details, just ask and I will gladly supply them.
Basics: met an OM in August. We work together, but there is no supervisory relationship. I liked him right away, he liked me. We spent a lot of time together, going out to grab a bite to eat, walking in the park, easy, friends stuff. I think he assumed it wouldn't go anywhere because I was already involved. Well, before I had met my OM it had already occcured to me that my relationship was stuck in neutral...the fact that I could be so attracted to someone else was just another bit of evidence. I couldn't tolerate the dishonesty of be unfaithful in my mind, even though I was technically faithful, so I broke up with my boyfriend.
Well. My OM and I began to see a lot more of each other. I know my feelings were pretty overwhelming...it was scary and yet it wasn't, because I was, from the start, so comfortable with him. He brought up the age difference quite a bit though--he is 26 years older than I am. But--and I know people will know what I mean--I never FELT the age difference. I'm pretty sure it was a lot more acceptable to me than it was to him--partly because he isn't the first man I've gone out with who was signifigantly older than I was. In fact, with the exception of the ex b/f, pretty much all of my love interests/companions have been older...
Anyway. From August to November, things were pretty great. I loved spending time with him, I met his parents, we had a lot of fun together. He was taking things really slow...and I found that I actually liked this! In the past I have often tumbled headlong into relationships, damn the torpedos. Moving slow showed me another way of doing things...and I liked it. However, in November, he gave me the "I'm not ready for anything serious" speech (sigh). I accepted his need for space and his need to go slow...slower, even, than we had been. He also emphasized that this wasn't an exclusive thing for him, which I also accepted. I had understood that from the start--unless two people put into words that it is exclusive, well, it isn't. And I, of course, was free to date other people...I didn't do it, though, mostly because no one interesting came along (or maybe they did and I missed them because I like OM so much.)
Okay after the speech in November...well, nothing really changed. We continued doing the same things as before, seeing each other as before...so it was a bit confusing for me. On the one hand he was saying "back off, slow down" on the other hand he was calling me for hours-long phone conversations, and little dinners, and kisses on the front porch...
We continued on this route until just after Christmas, when I finally asked him directly what it was all about. I explained that he confused me by saying he wanted to be "friends" and making references to us being "friends" because, well, I DON'T kiss my friends!! He told me that he had no answers for me, he still wasn't ready for anything serious (which, by the way, I wasn't asking for...I was asking for clarification of his definition of friends...I considered us to be "dating" which to my mind is different than friends...friends implies completely platonic relations to me...) This might appear to be a silly matter of wording, but to me it was important. When he said "friends" I was thinking completely platonic, no romantic attraction/atttachment at all...
Well, his inability to clarify put me in a quandry. I was tired of being pushed away with words and then pulled back for embraces, to be blunt. So, as it was so confusing and even hurtful to me (lots of tears in these weeks) I decided to back off. At the same time, he backed off too...except he took it even further, sometimes being short and abrupt with me, causing even more hurt feelings on my end. It was messy.
I was trying my best to coerce my feelings for him into something more platonic. However, I have to laugh at my complete lack of success...I would think, "I'm over him" then I would see him and still feel the pull of attraction...and he would yet again push me away in some small way.
Well that brings us to the present.
I went away for a week, and only called him once, even though before I left he said to call him (said it repeatedly.) Well when I came back, he had a rather nice gift for me...and was much more affectionate than he had been in months...I wasn't sure what was going on so finally...we talked about it. He said he had missed me...he said he had done a lot of thinking, and realized that, well, here is this great girl and she really likes me...he said I liked him in spite of his faults (true) and that was a bit scary...he apologized for his behavior of the past couple months, saying that he did it half-subconsciously because he didn't want me to like him! Again, I have to almost laugh, because I recognize myself in these words--I know that I have done this before. If we push and push and push away this person, and THEY decide to leave, well, it takes the decision--or indecision--out of our hands and the confusion is theirs, not ours.
So here's where the need for advice comes in. Although I do recognize myself in his words, and understand that he acted out of confusion and fear, and attempted to push me away to spare himself...I'm confused now. Part of me wants to accept that he has made a decision to attempt to get over his confusion and fear, and he wants to be with me...the other part of me is saying "girl, wake up!! he's just going to make you cry again."
I'm scared. I'm afraid that he will once again decide its too confusing, and push me away again. My fear is also concerning myself...if I let go of these reservations, and let myself fall again, I could be hurt again...If I don't take a chance, though, I will never know how great this could be.
So...as I started out with, I'm arguing with myself...take a chance, don't take a chance....understand what he did and why, believe that he won't do it again, or say forget it, its been too much pain for me already.
I can see his side of things clearly...I can see my side of things only through a glass darkly, so to speak...I'm a romantic, I believe in love, I want to be able to say, okay, we begin again with a clean slate...but I'm not a school girl anymore and the risk is apparent as well...
Okay, I'm repeating myself now...so its your turn. Someone. Anyone. Give me your best advice, please.
And thank you for taking the time to read my verbose post.
Basics: met an OM in August. We work together, but there is no supervisory relationship. I liked him right away, he liked me. We spent a lot of time together, going out to grab a bite to eat, walking in the park, easy, friends stuff. I think he assumed it wouldn't go anywhere because I was already involved. Well, before I had met my OM it had already occcured to me that my relationship was stuck in neutral...the fact that I could be so attracted to someone else was just another bit of evidence. I couldn't tolerate the dishonesty of be unfaithful in my mind, even though I was technically faithful, so I broke up with my boyfriend.
Well. My OM and I began to see a lot more of each other. I know my feelings were pretty overwhelming...it was scary and yet it wasn't, because I was, from the start, so comfortable with him. He brought up the age difference quite a bit though--he is 26 years older than I am. But--and I know people will know what I mean--I never FELT the age difference. I'm pretty sure it was a lot more acceptable to me than it was to him--partly because he isn't the first man I've gone out with who was signifigantly older than I was. In fact, with the exception of the ex b/f, pretty much all of my love interests/companions have been older...
Anyway. From August to November, things were pretty great. I loved spending time with him, I met his parents, we had a lot of fun together. He was taking things really slow...and I found that I actually liked this! In the past I have often tumbled headlong into relationships, damn the torpedos. Moving slow showed me another way of doing things...and I liked it. However, in November, he gave me the "I'm not ready for anything serious" speech (sigh). I accepted his need for space and his need to go slow...slower, even, than we had been. He also emphasized that this wasn't an exclusive thing for him, which I also accepted. I had understood that from the start--unless two people put into words that it is exclusive, well, it isn't. And I, of course, was free to date other people...I didn't do it, though, mostly because no one interesting came along (or maybe they did and I missed them because I like OM so much.)
Okay after the speech in November...well, nothing really changed. We continued doing the same things as before, seeing each other as before...so it was a bit confusing for me. On the one hand he was saying "back off, slow down" on the other hand he was calling me for hours-long phone conversations, and little dinners, and kisses on the front porch...
We continued on this route until just after Christmas, when I finally asked him directly what it was all about. I explained that he confused me by saying he wanted to be "friends" and making references to us being "friends" because, well, I DON'T kiss my friends!! He told me that he had no answers for me, he still wasn't ready for anything serious (which, by the way, I wasn't asking for...I was asking for clarification of his definition of friends...I considered us to be "dating" which to my mind is different than friends...friends implies completely platonic relations to me...) This might appear to be a silly matter of wording, but to me it was important. When he said "friends" I was thinking completely platonic, no romantic attraction/atttachment at all...
Well, his inability to clarify put me in a quandry. I was tired of being pushed away with words and then pulled back for embraces, to be blunt. So, as it was so confusing and even hurtful to me (lots of tears in these weeks) I decided to back off. At the same time, he backed off too...except he took it even further, sometimes being short and abrupt with me, causing even more hurt feelings on my end. It was messy.
I was trying my best to coerce my feelings for him into something more platonic. However, I have to laugh at my complete lack of success...I would think, "I'm over him" then I would see him and still feel the pull of attraction...and he would yet again push me away in some small way.
Well that brings us to the present.
I went away for a week, and only called him once, even though before I left he said to call him (said it repeatedly.) Well when I came back, he had a rather nice gift for me...and was much more affectionate than he had been in months...I wasn't sure what was going on so finally...we talked about it. He said he had missed me...he said he had done a lot of thinking, and realized that, well, here is this great girl and she really likes me...he said I liked him in spite of his faults (true) and that was a bit scary...he apologized for his behavior of the past couple months, saying that he did it half-subconsciously because he didn't want me to like him! Again, I have to almost laugh, because I recognize myself in these words--I know that I have done this before. If we push and push and push away this person, and THEY decide to leave, well, it takes the decision--or indecision--out of our hands and the confusion is theirs, not ours.
So here's where the need for advice comes in. Although I do recognize myself in his words, and understand that he acted out of confusion and fear, and attempted to push me away to spare himself...I'm confused now. Part of me wants to accept that he has made a decision to attempt to get over his confusion and fear, and he wants to be with me...the other part of me is saying "girl, wake up!! he's just going to make you cry again."
I'm scared. I'm afraid that he will once again decide its too confusing, and push me away again. My fear is also concerning myself...if I let go of these reservations, and let myself fall again, I could be hurt again...If I don't take a chance, though, I will never know how great this could be.
So...as I started out with, I'm arguing with myself...take a chance, don't take a chance....understand what he did and why, believe that he won't do it again, or say forget it, its been too much pain for me already.
I can see his side of things clearly...I can see my side of things only through a glass darkly, so to speak...I'm a romantic, I believe in love, I want to be able to say, okay, we begin again with a clean slate...but I'm not a school girl anymore and the risk is apparent as well...
Okay, I'm repeating myself now...so its your turn. Someone. Anyone. Give me your best advice, please.
And thank you for taking the time to read my verbose post.