Age Gap/Long Distance

Hey I am new to this community....I can't believe I found this site. It's so great. I am in a very FRESH relationship with a guy 33 years older than me...21/54... I was not looking for a relationship at the time and we started off as friends. This is also my first serious relationship. We have been dating for two months now and we live about more or less than three hours away. I am new in the town that I reside in and have been recently job hunting. I am somewhat of a free spirited gypsy who doesn't really do commitments. I move from place to place and leave behind whatever I feel is not a necessity. Most of the time I tell no one of my departure just leave... I have recently decided to settle down for awhile and chill out. He is already an established guy with a house, career and stuff that comes with adulthood. My job hunt is quite draining. I have not found one yet and lately he has been quite hard on me...questioning my efforts and my seriousness to create stability for myself. I am not sure if he assumes this will push me to try harder or not....also he has been making comments about our age difference and voicing doubts on if we really could work out. When we first began talking, we talked for hours and he was very open about his feelings towards me now he is sort of distancing himself. I really like him a lot and I highly suspect that his actions are out of fear that I will disappear if my job search is not fruitful. I am wondering if I should attempt to calm this fear or just distance myself from him until I get a job...

Help me please!!

....also he has been making comments about our age difference and voicing doubts on if we really could work out. When we first began talking, we talked for hours and he was very open about his feelings towards me now he is sort of distancing himself. I really like him a lot and I highly suspect that his actions are out of fear that I will disappear if my job search is not fruitful. I am wondering if I should attempt to calm this fear or just distance myself from him until I get a job...

Help me please!!

Noiraelle,
I think you're probably right about his fears, but as you're both only a couple of months into this relationship, you've both got a lot to learn about one another. Talk to him. If he tries to push away from the relationship, give him some distance but don't let go. Certainly finding a job will help, but most of what you're both going through should resolve with a whole lot of communication and time together. Persevere dear,...if he's worth it to you.

Wishing you well,
Mike

Are you sure what you really want is to settle down? And have you thought about what you seriously would do if you do not find a job soon? I don't know your finacial status, but even on a tight budget it's hard to be without a job for any period of time. If he knows you're the wandering type, I'm sure those definitely play into his fears, maybe he does see a future with you and wants you to get that job so you will stay put for now. Maybe he cares about you as a person and from his older, wiser perspective, a job and stability rank high up there, and he doesn't want you to be without. Or maybe the age difference does bother him and he is intentionally distancing himself or stirring in some confrontation to push you away? These are all just possibilities that popped into my head. I would lean towards options 1 and 2 moreso than 3, but I had to point out a negative as well. I think that with a relationship so new people should just be honest about who they are and what they want so there aren't any surprises later on. Is he looking for a wife? Does he want (more) children? If he's looking to get serious, maybe you could try to find a job closer to him and be able to work on a normal relationship without the distance between you, that can be especially hard on any couple, let alone throw in an AG!

I agree that in your position, a long distance relationship is going to be a really big challenge. The fact that he's already questioning your devotion to finding a job rather than focusing on getting to know each other shows that he's got a wall for you to climb.

I'll guess that your heart is really into him right now during its early stages, but don't forget about your own needs!

I suggest that you find a job and make sure your own situation is stable before investing too much of yourself in a relationship, long distance or otherwise.

I've been maintaining a long distance relationship for several years, but until I got an apartment and a job, I wasn't able to see the forest for the trees.

Good luck Noiraelle :358:

I concur. Make your plans with only you in it. It is time to establish your own life and it rarely works out if you build your life around someone else, b/c when they do leave you, it rips the ground from beneath you.

I could never share my life with somebody that has a history of being a gypsy. Sure, we could hang out, be friends, share good times, but I would not allow myself to become attached to somebody who I may awake one morning to find gone. And landing a job would not be enough to convince me they intend to settle down, especially if she told me she has decided to settle down "for a while". The phrase "for a while" indicates to me they will be leaving sometime down the road.

If I'm going to share my life with somebody, I need assurance they plan to stay by my side permanently.

with care, George

I am in an age gap/long distance relationship as well. We're 25 years and about 110 miles (and a national border) apart, and have been together for 2 years.

This is still a new relationship for you, and if I were in your position, I would keep repeating that to myself. Focus on getting yourself settled and getting a job. But, honestly, I wouldn't distance myself from him "until I got a job". You're YOU, this is your situation NOW, and I think, if he's worth your time at all, you and he should be able to get through this. Of course, don't let this distract you completely from your primary mission.

You said that you didn't look for this, that it "just happened". Because of that, I would just go with it. Learn about him, and perhaps why he's saying the things he is. Reassure him (if that's truly where your heart is) that you're not going to bolt.

I am also somewhat of a gypsy. Since I went to college at the age of 18, I have never lived in a city more than 4 years. (And, that was just ONE city...the others were 3 years.) I am very open about this part of my life, but also about the very real idea that I would put down roots if I had a good reason to do so.

Do you feel that way? If so, now's the time to TELL HIM. Repeat it often.

Fact of the matter is, as well, you're only 21. (Not trying to be condescending or anything...just mentioning an obvious truth that may very well be a big part of the issue here.) One of the hardest things that I've experienced in the AGRs that I've been in is this "you're young, you haven't had the experiences I have had, and who knows where you'll be in 1,5,10 years?".

Your age is not something that you can change, obviously. But, bear in mind that 25 or 30 extra years on this earth has given him some baggage. And, it may be a LOT of baggage. What's his relationship history? That's important to consider as well.

The two men that I have dated seriously who were WAY older than myself have had "abandonment issues". While their ex-wives may have had great reasons to leave, the fact of the matter is that they DID leave. And, once these guys hit their 50's, that whole "this may be my last chance" mentality kicked in. There are ways to work with this, if you want to. But, the first step is to recognize what you're dealing with. I have a feeling that a lot of what he's saying to you is more related to HIM than to you. Not that it's a bad thing necessarily, but it's a reality that you often have to deal with in these relationships.

I'm not sure that I could have dealt with this at your age, quite honestly. I'm almost 35, and this is *still* so draining. I do wish you the best of luck, most especially in finding a job and finding out what YOU want in your life. Take this relationship as it comes, and remember, even the relationships in our lives that don't work out do teach us something, if we dare to learn from them.

All the best, hon. :)

thank you everyone for your responses...I am so glad tis forum exists! Many of you made some points that I would probably have not considered until "after the fact". My significant other means a lot to me. He was one of my factors that I considered when I decided to stay and begin to build a foundation. We are a few hours apart and it beats either of us having to fly clear across the country. Good news is that today I got a gig....a part time job and I am still looking and we had a heart felt talk today which turned out well. At first he was (as aways) using his sense of humor to be evasive regarding questions that I asked (things offered up within these pages that I had over looked or never thought to ask him-basking in the sunlight of our fresh relationship) and then he finally opened up and when we finished our conversation...I believe I fell in love with him all over again.

I will build a life for me...and he can fit in there...and if it so happens that he leaves things will continue to run smoothly. We are enjoying this one day at a time now...

Since you're out of work, would it be possible to find a job closer to him? I don't know what you do and what you're education is in, but it may be easier to solve the LDR problem now that you're out of work and looking than it would be if you were settled into a job and would have to leave to move closer.