Should I tell him how I feel? Long story.

OK, it’s been a loooong time since last I visited here so I’ll try and quickly update you all with what has been going on with me.

Five years ago, when I was just 18 years old, I began a relationship with a man 23 years my senior. We fell head over heels in love and we were together for a very happy 3 years. Then, rather suddenly one August evening back in 2006 he ended our relationship. I was completely heart broken and just couldn’t understand why he no-longer wanted to be with me. However, we stayed friends and whilst it was very difficult for both of us (with many tears shed), we managed to work things out and have remained close.

18 months on and a lot has changed. I must admit I have grown up more than I thought possible in the time since we broke up. I have had a few short relationships since our split and have definitely learnt a lot about myself which I wouldn’t have discovered had I stayed with my OM.

My OM was my first sexual partner and with him I was rather shy and retiring. I still had body hang ups and towards the end of our relationship we were rather inactive in the bedroom (or outside of it!). On average we had sex maybe twice a month yet at the time I was far too naïve to either mention this OR think of it as potential trouble.

I now realise that this was a problem, and whilst he has never given me any solid reason for breaking up with me, I imagine this to be rather a main factor. Everything else was great (something he recently admitted).

Now, up until very recently, I had managed to convince myself that I was “over” my OM and perfectly happy having him as my best friend as opposed to a partner. He was in a new relationship and so was I. We both pretended to be happy for the other (whilst I imagine he harboured the same pangs of jealously that I did!) and Christmas was spent with our new partners.

However, on Wednesday evening, whilst in bed with my new boyfriend (whom I’ve been with for little over a month), I felt a sudden urge to cry and it hit me like a tonne of bricks – I was still in love with the OM. I got up and dragged myself to the bathroom and I sat there stunned for almost half an hour. When I went back to bed and saw my new boyfriend asleep I felt overcome by emotion. I lay next to him and wished I could magically transform him into my OM.

Yesterday, I met my OM for lunch. We’d not seen each other for over 3 weeks and his face lit up when he spotted me across the bar. I imagine mine did the same. He asked how things were with my new b/f and I smiled. I asked how things were with his g/f and he told me he’d ended things with her a few weeks previous – they just weren’t working out. I felt a huge sigh of relief and for the rest of the afternoon we sat sipping coffee together and chatting as though there was no other soul in existence.

This morning I woke up alone and confused. I have no idea what I should do. If I tell my OM I still love him and he rejects me then I risk humiliation and our relationship would no doubt change for the worse. At the same time, if I don’t tell him how I feel it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel unable to move forward with my life. Deep, deep down I doubt I will ever love anyone the way I love him and with him still in my life I find relationships a struggle as all I do is compare. However, I would rather remain single for the rest of my days than cut him out of my life.

So, what I am asking for I have no idea, but perhaps someone can offer me some advice??

I’m tearing my hair out here…

Yes. You do still love him, You both are rebounding with other people. You will never stop having feelings for him, being his friend.

What are you to do? The only way to get him out of your mind is to never talk to him, but you say you'd rather be in limbo over him. You have to ask yourself whether you want to waste your life away, waiting for him or do you want to move on?

Why don't you spend time alone and get to know yourself? Time away from him, you'll realize you are dependent on him. Life is never easy, but don't live it for anybody else.

Sweetheart, first I want you to let go of your remaining hair... :bgrin2: There you go. Now ... doesn't that feel much better?

It is possible to be completely in love with somebody and at the same time accept the fact that being together as a couple will never happen for one reason or another. They can be a friend, or possibly you'll just move on and carry your feelings for them through life, not painfully, but with joy. In a perfect world each relationship we experience as we travel on our journeys through our lives should enrich our lives, we should love everyone we meet to one degree or another, yet we cannot be romantically involved with everyone we meet.

In order to reach a point in life to where you can accept this, you must learn to be your own source of love & self worth. If you learn to love yourself and be comfortable being single you will no longer need to obsess or pine away over another person, which is what you are doing at the moment. Please understand I am not criticizing you, we've all been in your position. Even if you were to get back together, you should realize it is unhealthy for a relationship to make your partner the source of your feelings of love and self worth, it is too great a burden for anyone to bare. It would be better for the health of your relationship if you worked on yourself first, as scott has suggested, before you got back together.

I'll climb down from my soap box now, the height was making me dizzy. YES tell your old b/f how you feel. Just understand that you must accept his feelings whatever they may be. It should be no big deal for you if he should tell you he no longer feels the same way for you, or doesn't want to become romatically involved again. You should be able to discuss your feelings mutually and come to an agreement of what your relationship shall be in the future, be it romatically involved, friends or whatever. The way you described yesterday's meeting with him, the way he lit up when he saw you, the way you talked to one another for hours as though no one else was there, it sounds to me that he still loves you. But what he wants to do with that love nobody knows but him.

In a perfect world, the old b/f and you could agree to be friends for a year and both remain single. This gives both of you time to work on yourselves. A year from now you could then discuss whether becoming romatically involved again is something you both want to do. Valentine's day 2009 would be a great anniversary for that discussion.

Now there is the issue of your current b/f. You are being unfair to him. Before you have your conversation with the old guy, before you become single so you can work on yourself, you must end this relationship. Out of kindness and respect for the current guy.

with all care, George

As I read your story I thought of your new b/f, and the pain he has ahead of him. Imagine yourself laying next to someone who has someone else on their mind. If you really feel the way you do, in all fairness to him, you should be honest with him. It will be a lot easier for him to lose you after a month than it would after several months or a year. Does he know about your previous b/f? Does he think you might still have feelings for him?

Let him know how you feel and get the pain over with before it gets worse.

Why don’t you try to find out why he left you? If you can get to the point where it is really clear to you why he did it, I am sure you will be able to answer your question by yourself.

BlueBird

Tell him. :yes:

It sounds as if you are close enough to talk about feelings and the like, he's not with the other woman anymore... and you're obviously not happy with the new b/f. So you should just go for it. Since you're still friends I don't imagine you could be "humiliated" by him.... if he didn't feel the same he would probably tell you gently as to not hurt you, but I don't think that's the case. I think you should suck up your pride, you've grown and had some more experience and if you're still in love with him and have kept a very open line of communication, there's no reason to not just be honest about it. Follow your heart!

I think you should tell him.


please keep us updated. <3