KaliaKitten
02-03-2008, 05:19 PM
Hey folks..
With the snow flying outside, I decided to contribute just one other thread to the site.
It's always interesting to see what relationships work, and why some don't. For some folks their married life looks like this: Go to school, find mate, get married, get job(s), have babies, see kids married, retire, then divorce because they've grown apart (or become resentful for one reason or another). There aren't a huge majority of folks that stay together for the LONG haul these days...is it because of society, our expectations, or just because we don't feel we have to put up with an unsatisfying relationship anymore?
For me and my first husband...we were from the same town...met again in college & fell in love....stayed in college a LONG time....got out, got jobs...then our relationship dwindled so much (in 8 years) that he went out and found another woman. They both divorced their respective spouses, and created a new family. She had two kids...and they ended up having two more (interesting to see, since my ex really was uncomfortable around kids for many years). What went wrong in my relationship? I had some relationship issues due to my upbringing...living with my mom and alcoholic stepdad (who was quite violent) does NOT create a person who can deal with relationship issues very well. I was clingy to my ex...but also had a bad habit of either clamming up when we had a disagreement...or being sarcastic and hurtful (again, having no good role models, and hardly any self-confidence, didn't help me in the relationship department at all!). My ex had his own problems that contributed to the demise of our marriage, but that's another issue.
My current husband had issues with his three previous wives... His first wife (who was the same age as him) was very argumentative (like me, she grew up in a bad environment), and ended up kicking their two kids out of her home a couple of years after my husband and she divorced (I think they were married for 7 or 8 years or so). He told his 2nd wife (who was only a couple yrs younger), that he didn't want any more kids. She got pregnant a while after (to keep him around), and so that ended that relationship. His third wife was about 10 yrs. younger than him.... she was ok for the first year, then he moved them back to his town (about 12 hrs away). She was ok with being gone at first, but then started to miss her adult children (and their kids) tremendously. My husband let her build a new home in her home state (so she could visit the kids frequently)....and it got to the point (for over 2 yrs) that she saw him less and less over the years, finally to the point where they'd only see each other if he made the trip to her. My husband finally divorced her after 3 years of being separated... he tried to keep things going with her, but her heart was with her family more than with him.
So, along came my relationship with my OM (he's 32 yrs. older). He was unsure at first, but finally realized that he's happy with our relationship as it is. Our 7th wedding anniversary is this month--YAY!
What makes our relationship different?
1. We each had previous experiences with spouses, and learned how to interact appropriately. I no longer pout when I'm frustrated...and my husband sometimes helps me during issues by writing me a letter, letting me know how he's feeling. I appreciate that, since I'm better at expressing my feelings on paper...without a direct confrontation until I can get my thoughts in order. Since he's older, he can also be a lot more patient with me when I'm upset. We do have different ways of dealing with stress, but we've learned a lot from each other.
2. We have no kids to take our attention away from each other. Ok, so we do get busy with our lives. He's been busy with his "jobs", like cleaning up our place, and designing various land projects we've been working on. I am busy with my 11 horses, 2 dogs and 3 cats. Still, they're not as demanding as kids can be. My husband has 3 adult kids (2 of whom are older than me!), but they are in different states. It always amazes me that the older 2 aren't closer to him, as my husband raised them by himself (after his first wife threw them out of her house at around age 8). He did many things with his kids (well, at least the first 2...the last child was a bit "brainwashed" by his mother, so my husband and the youngest didn't have much of a relationship---his ex eventually regretted what she'd done...but the damage had been done) as they grew up...including putting both of them through college and beyond. I'm sad for my husband at times, because he does miss them (but they haven't been to see us once in the 7 yrs. we've been here!), but it is easier on our relationship that way. I only see my mom and siblings a few times a year, so it isn't too hard on my husband either.
3. Work: Though we do a wholesale business...we both are basically "retired" right now. So, for me especially, it means I can spend more time doing things to please my husband. I cook and keep up the house, so it isn't the chore it could be (if I were working full time). My schedule is flexible, so I can do things on my own schedule (as can he!).
I just think a relationship is hard enough to manage between just two people...throw kids, jobs & outside worries into the mix, and it's amazing that anyone has time/energy for their spouse at all! In our relationship, I'm able to get away to visit family (or go to a horse show) if I need some space...and my husband can escape as well (though his trips are mostly business based). We have many similarities in our attitudes & personalities (amazing, even with the age difference!), but we're different enough that we compliment each other. I've taught my old-school hubby to be more affectionate & he's taught me that I am capable of doing many things on my own. :) We really work to support each other...though I definately need a recharge after being his sounding board when he's upset with people he has to deal with at times. I don't know how people can be so giving of time/energy/etc to their spouse, when they have other things that compete for this in their lives!
All I can say is...learn from your spouse, and try to see things from their perspective! It's hard for me at times...but I'm slowly getting the picture. One other thing about our relationship...we tend to tease each other quite a bit. Laughter is so important in a relationship, as is the ability to really talk about the future. Since we have so many years between us, we do tend to bring up some hard ideas.... he's probably gonna pass away before me, but he's made it a bit lighter at times by talking about the hick named "Goober" who's gonna take his place in the future. The things that "Goober" does and doesn't do are always funny to hear about. My husband is defiantely not one to want to deny me happiness in the future, once he's passed.
Ah well.... life is sweet, you just need to look at things in different perspective sometimes to see the beauty and happiness. If you're not happy in a relationship...either fix it, or get out and find what you need! Life can be short, but if you work together, life takes on a shine that brightens each day!
Live, love and laugh!
With the snow flying outside, I decided to contribute just one other thread to the site.
It's always interesting to see what relationships work, and why some don't. For some folks their married life looks like this: Go to school, find mate, get married, get job(s), have babies, see kids married, retire, then divorce because they've grown apart (or become resentful for one reason or another). There aren't a huge majority of folks that stay together for the LONG haul these days...is it because of society, our expectations, or just because we don't feel we have to put up with an unsatisfying relationship anymore?
For me and my first husband...we were from the same town...met again in college & fell in love....stayed in college a LONG time....got out, got jobs...then our relationship dwindled so much (in 8 years) that he went out and found another woman. They both divorced their respective spouses, and created a new family. She had two kids...and they ended up having two more (interesting to see, since my ex really was uncomfortable around kids for many years). What went wrong in my relationship? I had some relationship issues due to my upbringing...living with my mom and alcoholic stepdad (who was quite violent) does NOT create a person who can deal with relationship issues very well. I was clingy to my ex...but also had a bad habit of either clamming up when we had a disagreement...or being sarcastic and hurtful (again, having no good role models, and hardly any self-confidence, didn't help me in the relationship department at all!). My ex had his own problems that contributed to the demise of our marriage, but that's another issue.
My current husband had issues with his three previous wives... His first wife (who was the same age as him) was very argumentative (like me, she grew up in a bad environment), and ended up kicking their two kids out of her home a couple of years after my husband and she divorced (I think they were married for 7 or 8 years or so). He told his 2nd wife (who was only a couple yrs younger), that he didn't want any more kids. She got pregnant a while after (to keep him around), and so that ended that relationship. His third wife was about 10 yrs. younger than him.... she was ok for the first year, then he moved them back to his town (about 12 hrs away). She was ok with being gone at first, but then started to miss her adult children (and their kids) tremendously. My husband let her build a new home in her home state (so she could visit the kids frequently)....and it got to the point (for over 2 yrs) that she saw him less and less over the years, finally to the point where they'd only see each other if he made the trip to her. My husband finally divorced her after 3 years of being separated... he tried to keep things going with her, but her heart was with her family more than with him.
So, along came my relationship with my OM (he's 32 yrs. older). He was unsure at first, but finally realized that he's happy with our relationship as it is. Our 7th wedding anniversary is this month--YAY!
What makes our relationship different?
1. We each had previous experiences with spouses, and learned how to interact appropriately. I no longer pout when I'm frustrated...and my husband sometimes helps me during issues by writing me a letter, letting me know how he's feeling. I appreciate that, since I'm better at expressing my feelings on paper...without a direct confrontation until I can get my thoughts in order. Since he's older, he can also be a lot more patient with me when I'm upset. We do have different ways of dealing with stress, but we've learned a lot from each other.
2. We have no kids to take our attention away from each other. Ok, so we do get busy with our lives. He's been busy with his "jobs", like cleaning up our place, and designing various land projects we've been working on. I am busy with my 11 horses, 2 dogs and 3 cats. Still, they're not as demanding as kids can be. My husband has 3 adult kids (2 of whom are older than me!), but they are in different states. It always amazes me that the older 2 aren't closer to him, as my husband raised them by himself (after his first wife threw them out of her house at around age 8). He did many things with his kids (well, at least the first 2...the last child was a bit "brainwashed" by his mother, so my husband and the youngest didn't have much of a relationship---his ex eventually regretted what she'd done...but the damage had been done) as they grew up...including putting both of them through college and beyond. I'm sad for my husband at times, because he does miss them (but they haven't been to see us once in the 7 yrs. we've been here!), but it is easier on our relationship that way. I only see my mom and siblings a few times a year, so it isn't too hard on my husband either.
3. Work: Though we do a wholesale business...we both are basically "retired" right now. So, for me especially, it means I can spend more time doing things to please my husband. I cook and keep up the house, so it isn't the chore it could be (if I were working full time). My schedule is flexible, so I can do things on my own schedule (as can he!).
I just think a relationship is hard enough to manage between just two people...throw kids, jobs & outside worries into the mix, and it's amazing that anyone has time/energy for their spouse at all! In our relationship, I'm able to get away to visit family (or go to a horse show) if I need some space...and my husband can escape as well (though his trips are mostly business based). We have many similarities in our attitudes & personalities (amazing, even with the age difference!), but we're different enough that we compliment each other. I've taught my old-school hubby to be more affectionate & he's taught me that I am capable of doing many things on my own. :) We really work to support each other...though I definately need a recharge after being his sounding board when he's upset with people he has to deal with at times. I don't know how people can be so giving of time/energy/etc to their spouse, when they have other things that compete for this in their lives!
All I can say is...learn from your spouse, and try to see things from their perspective! It's hard for me at times...but I'm slowly getting the picture. One other thing about our relationship...we tend to tease each other quite a bit. Laughter is so important in a relationship, as is the ability to really talk about the future. Since we have so many years between us, we do tend to bring up some hard ideas.... he's probably gonna pass away before me, but he's made it a bit lighter at times by talking about the hick named "Goober" who's gonna take his place in the future. The things that "Goober" does and doesn't do are always funny to hear about. My husband is defiantely not one to want to deny me happiness in the future, once he's passed.
Ah well.... life is sweet, you just need to look at things in different perspective sometimes to see the beauty and happiness. If you're not happy in a relationship...either fix it, or get out and find what you need! Life can be short, but if you work together, life takes on a shine that brightens each day!
Live, love and laugh!