Newbie - What Should I Watch Out For?

Hi there,

I am a 30-something woman seriously thinking about a relationship with a 20-something man. There is a 12-year difference between us. I am not by nature attracted to younger men, and do not have a lot of experience dating someone so much younger than me. What kind of recurring issues come up in these situations?? I would appreciate any advice.

Sincerely,

Ginny

It really depends on what stage of life your YM is in. I'm in a similar relationship. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 19. He's still in college, so the issues that come up are because of that. I have to remind myself that he's still in a stage of his life where he needs room to grow and be independent. He needs to figure out who he is on his own - not just have his identity be a part of our relationship. Also, I have issues where I get jealous that he's around lots of younger, prettier girls. He handles that wonderfully by reminding me that he loves me and wants to be with me and no one else and that he thinks I'm the sexiest woman in the world.

By the way, we were quite scared to tell our families...his mainly. But we did a few weeks ago and to our surprise, they've been very supportive. They voiced some concern in him seeing an older woman but they say they just want him happy. For example, they asked him if his girlfriend was aware of just how committed he was to finishing college. He explained to them that I am. So I think that once they realize how much we love each other, then things will be great.

Anyway, I know I kind of rambled on about my situation, but I hope it helped you a little with yours. Feel free to keep in touch. :)

....check into this book (try half.com for a really cheap price):
"Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance"
Very informative book...it even breaks down some of the "developmental stages" that men in their 20's go through. I wish I had read this book BEFORE I fell in love with my ym. It would have made some of the roads a lot less bumpy.
Age gap relationships work, we're here to tell ya, but like any relationship, they can't be set on automatic pilot and expected to flourish. And, loving a man in his 20's (especially early 20's) comes with a different set of issues.... not necessarily harder issues, just different ones.
Good luck, I wish you the best with your ym!

Excellent book.... :)
I used it for guidance when I started down the path....

I ordered the book...thanks for the tip!

Hmm... anyone mind giving a basic rundown through the stages, brief descriptions?

As a YM, recently 19, I'd be interested ;). And I'm going to college for 4 years starting in the fall; more if I decide to continue for a higher degree (which I will if I pursue Literature).

I'd like to understand the stages myself, if possible.

Here's the link bro, order the book:

http://half.ebay.com/cat/buy/specs.cgi?cpid=5046152&domain_id=1856&meta_id=1

Thanks :); I showed it to Caroline, and she's thinking of getting it, if just for the retorts ;).

I have to agree, it depends on his stage in life. At 22 I had 3 kids and bought my second house.

I was ready to conquer the world, felt I was invincible and couldn't be brought down, now that I've lived a little and gotten punched below the belt a few times (hey I was prison officer, lol), I know what it is that I want out of life and and I'm pursuing it.

As a conisuer of OW, I've often given thought to this subject, is this right for her, am I going to get a wild hair and completly change my whole way of life. Mainly because I knew deep down that I didn't know my own head, oh I knew what I wanted for years, but I really didn't know just yet exactly how to get there from where I was.

Really all one can do I suppose is just play it by ear and hope for the best to happen, I wish I had some good advice, but always remember, that the person he is today may not be the same person in another 10 years, it could be better, or it could be worse, and I think that is something that is ageless, it applies to same age relationships as well. My wife was the youngest woman I ever dated before being married and she is 5 years older than me, but man did she do some sure enough changing.

SirVLCIV....I can tell you from personal experience with my ym (and from talking with LOTS of women on this board who have gone through the same phase with their young man in the
19-22 age range) that one "developmental stage" in the early 20's is general confusion or insecurities about who you are/what your future holds or how you will fit into it. Actually, I think that probably goes for girls in that age group too (I know I felt like that a bit way back then!). As someone in that age bracket, YM are just getting their feet wet in the adult world, learning how to juggle things we OW have been juggling (with a lot of expertise, mind you) for years like school, a job, finances, running a household, being responsible, etc. It can be daunting, and cause a lot of self-reflection or self-scrutiny.

In a relationship with an OW, that self-reflection and confusion can translate into, "I don't even know where I'm headed, so it's not really fair of me to take you along" .....or....."Since I don't know what my future holds, and you have already lived and grown wise through the years I haven't even experienced yet...I feel inaduquate to be your partner," ....it might even include..."Since I have known only you as a love for my entire adult life, I'm feeling insecure that I have nothing to compare this to." Some YM during this age range get an urge to just "drop it and run" . They are plagued with feelings of ambivalence because one one hand they feel like they want to bolt, yet on the other they KNOW they love us, want to be with us, and that we are the best thing in their lives.

These are normal feelings, honest feelings, a normal phase of life that we all go through. But, being aware of it (or reminded of it) makes it easier when you are hit with it in a OW/YM relationship. So, reading books like the one mentioned above, and visiting this board often to glean the wisdom from all the wonderful people here REALLY helps wade through the "phases".... and, with patience and honesty, you CAN make it out on the other side - more in love and dedicated to each other for having gone the distance.

Originally posted by special K
SirVLCIV....I can tell you from personal experience with my ym (and from talking with LOTS of women on this board who have gone through the same phase with their young man in the
19-22 age range) that one "developmental stage" in the early 20's is general confusion or insecurities about who you are/what your future holds or how you will fit into it. Actually, I think that probably goes for girls in that age group too (I know I felt like that a bit way back then!). As someone in that age bracket, YM are just getting their feet wet in the adult world, learning how to juggle things we OW have been juggling (with a lot of expertise, mind you) for years like school, a job, finances, running a household, being responsible, etc. It can be daunting, and cause a lot of self-reflection or self-scrutiny.

In a relationship with an OW, that self-reflection and confusion can translate into, "I don't even know where I'm headed, so it's not really fair of me to take you along" .....or....."Since I don't know what my future holds, and you have already lived and grown wise through the years I haven't even experienced yet...I feel inaduquate to be your partner," ....it might even include..."Since I have known only you as a love for my entire adult life, I'm feeling insecure that I have nothing to compare this to." Some YM during this age range get an urge to just "drop it and run" . They are plagued with feelings of ambivalence because one one hand they feel like they want to bolt, yet on the other they KNOW they love us, want to be with us, and that we are the best thing in their lives.

These are normal feelings, honest feelings, a normal phase of life that we all go through. But, being aware of it (or reminded of it) makes it easier when you are hit with it in a OW/YM relationship. So, reading books like the one mentioned above, and visiting this board often to glean the wisdom from all the wonderful people here REALLY helps wade through the "phases".... and, with patience and honesty, you CAN make it out on the other side - more in love and dedicated to each other for having gone the distance.


Thanks K - as SirVLCIV's OW, this is something that has concerned me as well. We have discussed the issue, but the fact of the matter is you can't just predict the future. I know I'M certainly not the same person I was 20 years ago (thank God!), so it is something that will always be on my mind. People change no matter what age, but I believe the ages 18-25 are when you truly begin to settle into yourself and try to decide what you really want to do with your life and who you want to be with. But Vincent knows that I understand this stage of life and that I will be there to help him in anyway I can. :)

So what stage is someone who is, say 26-27 years old in??
My friend is past college age, and has lived away from home for quite a while now....

Ginny

That's only my opinion, and as I said people change constantly, no matter what age catagory they fall into. You really shouldn't try to pinpoint particular issues to an age group, because not everyone one will react the same. Some people marry very young and remain happily so all their lives, without that roving, exploring urge that people seem to associate with youth. Hell, I'm supposedly should be starting the so-called mid-life crisis soon (I'll be 38 next month), but does that mean I'll quit my job, buy a red convertible and fall in love with a younger man? (um...oops ;) ) All I can suggest is what I did: bring up your concerns and talk honestly about them with your YM and take each day as it comes. That's all any of us can do.

ginny,
your ym is past the hardest part of the "finding himself" stages...be glad for that. For REALLY excellent insights though, I strongly suggest you just get the book we listed above, and start learning more about the age-gap phenomena in general.

I understand that I will still be changing, but I can't help but think I started everything two years earlier; started college, living in a dorm, etc., at 16.

Just because someone is younger doesn't mean that they can't be a faithful partner. It just means that, at some point, in some way that totally varies from one individual to another, that they have some growing and changing to do. Lots of times that can happen just fine within the confines of a loving relationship. Occasionally, it can't.

If you're both willing to roll with the circumstances and adjust the relationship to whatever everybody's needs are, as they change, then there's no reason that the relationship can't work over the long-term.

But if one tends to cling to a linear view of relationship progression, or hold people to promises they made when very young that don't fit them anymore, or have very traditional views of who does what in a relationship, then it will probably be harder rather than easier to hold it together as they grow up.

When I met my guy, he was BARELY 20 and I was 34. I had just divorced my husband of 14 years. I had shut down so much that I really did not know how to have fun. Emotionally/socially we were very close to the same age. I will be forever greatful for him teaching me how to laugh again, feel good about how I looked.... AND I found that I was not a cold fish in bed after all!

Now, he had got married at 16! Had a baby boy that died shortly after birth. Got a divorce and been on his own for the past 4 years. I had only been on my own for a YEAR. So I think the stages one may be in is very dependent on your past history. The books can give good indicators but remember, a lot of guys/gals that like OW/YM are different in some ways from the rest of the world.

My guy would listen to every idea I had. He would read the baby books with me when we had our daughter. He was always optimistic about life. Now he is probably more pesimistic than I would have thought (he's 42) and it is more difficult to convince him that MY way is always great.

He and I are divorced but we went back together 3 years ago and then broke up after 2 years. It's been over a year but we are talking about getting back together again. But that's another thread.

PS Don't ask your guy "But will you still love me when I am 50?" I did the same deal to him... I am 56 and he still thinks that I am fabulous looking. He still reminds me of that old song & dance... now I just say "but what about when I am 70? :D

Yellowrose, If I may be so bold to ask...why did the two of you end up getting divorced? Not details but, in general? I am ever so interested as, well I am 34 and my y/m is 20! *smiles*
You seemed to have, from what you've said, a good relationship, and I just wondered what kind of troubles you came across or if it was anything age related.

And Carrie is right. We never know what the future will hold, no matter what age we are. Either one of you could change your mind somewhere down the line....and that is just the risk we run when falling in love someone!

I have two aquaintances, one late 40s and one early 50s, who dated men in their 20s. And they did the "will you still find me attractive 10 years from now" thing....Both of these relationships did end up not making it, but the funny thing is it was the OW who ended the relationship and not the younger man.

I hate to make this too long because I have been informed long posts don't get read...but, different things are attractive to different people. Some men like bigger women, some men like younger women, some men like larger breasts or bottoms...whatever...and some very wonderful men like older women and find our minds and bodies attractive and will continue to do so (thank goodness!!!).

Although a lot of us are with y/m who are quite inexperienced and have a lot of "phases" left to work through and discover, even if they were married to someone their own age they would still have to work through these issues. And I don't think a same-age relationship has any greater chance of withstanding that than an age-gap relationship. Life is a constant learning and growing experience for all of us...And if your relationship is really important to you, you will learn and change and grow together...

It CAN happen, and it CAN work.