Family hurting our relationship, please help

My om is 25 years older than I am. I am 21. I love him, he loves me, supports me, takes care of me, there is never a moment he is not there for me. But my parents cannot and won't accept it and today I told him I couldn't handle the stress anymore, that it's over. Except it can't be. I need him in my life, I can see a future together. My mum is of the view that my dad won't be able to handle it. I know he won't, he'll probably never speak to me again. My mum thinks it will break up our family and I just don't know what to do. I want to be happy and I am with my om, but I want my family's love and support too. I feel so stressed and unhappy about this lately. I really don't know what to do. Advice? Please help me.

Wow. The only thing I can say is follow your heart.

If your OM is THE ONE and you feel with all your heart and soul that you NEED him in your life that you don't ever want to be without him, then by all means KEEP him in your life.

However, you might risk more tension in the family. I don't understand how parents can disown their children or ostrazise them for falling in love. We don't choose who we fall in love with it just happens, and if that person is loving and stable and makes us happy, as their children, shouldn't they just grow to accept the age difference and be happy that their child IS happy and feels secure. Isn't that what parents truly want for their kids? Their, health, safety and happiness?! If all those things are met, who are they to make you chose, they should accept that you found someone so wonderful and they should learn to embrace him for the good that he does for you.

It could be that your parent's attitude may depend on factors other than age. For example, has he been married before? How many times? How many children does he have? His education? What are your plans? Marriage? FWB?

Those are all questions that I would ask if I was your mother. Now let me tell you, it does not matter if you are 20 or 40, parents will have objections with large age gaps. My parents objected mine, and I had to remind them that I was a good mother, daughter, and professional who had the right to decide what to do with my life. We are all ok now.

Good luck and wisdom to you.

hunnybunny...I would ask them what their fears and concerns are regarding the relationship. Like sheila pointed out, there could be other factors involved besides the age gap.

I can understand you not wanting to have tension in your family. However, we as a species are not meant to go through life without companionship and love. Some people are quite happy being alone or never committing to someone else. But they still have friends and/or loved ones to be with. You have a right to choose who you want to spend your life with.

If you can find out the concerns your family has about your relationship, then maybe you can assuage their fears with the positive things that make you happy. Let them know why you want to be with this person. Tell them the things about him that make you happy.

If he does have a lot of baggage that he is bringing with him, that may be a big concern. But that is something that needs to be discussed with your family. Be as open and honest with them as you can, and realise that their concerns and fears come from their love for you. It's just a matter of helping them overcome the fears.

It could be that your parent's attitude may depend on factors other than age. For example, has he been married before? How many times? How many children does he have? His education? What are your plans? Marriage? FWB?

Sheila asks some very good questions. Here are a couple more. How long have you two been seeing one another? Do your parents know your OM? Are you living on your own? With your parents? With your OM? Are you in school, or working to support yourself. Some of these may sound a little intrusive, but all are an indicator of your level of independence, and therefore pertinent to your current situation. Also, we know what your mother thinks and what she thinks your father will do. The question is, what WILL he do? You need to speak to both parents together first without your OM, and later with him there.
I'm also with the "Greeneyed Wonder." If you truly believe he is the one for you, then be prepared to move heaven and earth to make the relationship work. Real loves are never easy, but its the struggle to overcome that makes them strong.

Wishing you the best,
Mike

P.S. What does your OM have to say about all of this?

... he'll probably never speak to me again. My mum thinks it will break up our family ...

This is a sore spot with me. What you are dealing with are controlling parents. You have been taught throughout your life that love is earned, and can be taken away. You have not learned to love unconditionally. You have not learned that you are worthy of love simply because you are you. You have been taught that your self esteem is dependent upon your parents love, which they will take away from you at will allowing them to control you. You have grown up in a home of fear, fear that you must not disappoint your parents.

Healthy love does not attempt to control people, only support them through the good times and the bad, through the good decisions, and the dumb decisions. Healthy love is not judgemental, its accepting & forgiving. Healthy love is given unconditionally, not with strings attached. Healthy love does not look for excuses to opt out of a relationship. Healthy love loves you, even at your worst, even when you make decisions that they don't agree with.

Read these words carefully ... Love that can be taken away, is not worth having to begin with, it is not worth crying over, it is not worth compromising your happiness for.

If any parent wants to control their child by threatening to take their love away from that child, that parent is threatening to destroy the family, its not the child's fault. The children of controlling parents must at some point in their lives make a stand, draw a line, and show the world that they will make their own decisions, they cannot be controlled, that the terms of love and friendship will be mutually agreed upon, not decided by only one person.

I believe very strongly in family. Family ties must be maintained at all costs. But if your parents ostracize you for your decision to see this OM, it is they who are tearing the family apart, not you. Do not allow them to put this on your shoulders.

You have every right in the world to be disappointed in your parents, and to be angry at them.

with care, the old guy

Thank you for your replies. My OM has never been married, no children either so there isn't a lot of baggage. He is a successful businessman and lives alone. I am just finishing a degree in Social Work, in a few months I will be graduating and hopefully will be moving somewhere so that my OM and I can be really together. He has never met my parents, though he has spoken to my mum on the phone. I do not want him to meet my parents because I am afraid and he knows that. I am afraid they will say "no way." and I do not want them making any such decision that makes me feel even more guilty for loving and being with this man.

As to what he has to say about this, I will let him reply to this post.

I gew up in a traditional Indo-Trinidadian home, my parents were the same. They believe that education is the key to getting anywhere in life, but the family units here are so tightly knit, so it's as if I can't do something in one room of the house without someone knowing in the other.

I love my parents and thay have supported me for the many years of schooling I had since I was 3 years old, I only feel that it is time now for them to let me lead my life. What is worse is that I have a twin sister and even she does not support our relationship, it makes it so difficult for me because I feel there's no one at home I can talk to about how I feel. Life is short and this man makes me happy.

"Do not allow them to put this on your shoulders.

You have every right in the world to be disappointed in your parents, and to be angry at them." Thank you old guy

Thanks to Sheila, Guinavere, Mike and Green eyed Lily. You've all made me feel a lot better knowing that there is support somewhere.

My YW, (hunnybunny17) asked me to post in this string as I am the OM, (bbsrabbit)....

To be honest, this OM does not know what to think.

What are their fears - "CLOSE MINDED PREJUDICE", nothing more.

Part of me says to end this relationship, that her family is just going to be too much stress and pressure for her and they will not be happy until she beaten, literally into submission.

The much BIGGER part of me says "SCREW THEM" and all their prejudices, but that is easier said then done and it is not my family.

My YW lives on campus and when she goes home for weekends or school breaks she is so miserable. She is treated like Cinderella, cooking, cleaning, babysitting from the second she walks in the door.

So now as of yesterday we are "no longer together" and "just friends" - as far as her parents are concerned.

I do not want to live in a lie. We have plans to see each other on Valentines Day, (my YW told her mother we had plans and she is not breaking them) kudos to her...but I guess we see what daddy says. They may just pick her up at school without notice on the 14th and ground her to the house.

Thursday may be the last time we see each other until at the very least November if she moves then. Realistically it will be early the next year - - hoping and waiting until she can move to another country and then - ONLY if her parents decide it is in their best interest to give her permission to leave.

If tomorrow was my call, she would be here the day she finished school. Nothing, not even family is worth the stress, torture or unhappiness she is being dragged through.

Once she moves back in May from school to home 40 minutes away, she is NOT permitted out of the house without family supervision, although her sister comes and goes as she pleases, "you see she is soon to be engaged to daddy's friend's son."

We have had to endure not seeing each other for four months last summer and again for five weeks over the holidays.

Talking on the phone is taboo, so even that is and will be limited severely when she is at home.

This YW makes this OM's world go round and I would go to the ends of the earth for her. I thought I knew what happiness was, until I met her.

How do I help?

bbsrabbit,

my heart goes out to you. You've fallen in love with a lady who is controlled by her parents. To her the tyranny they hold over her is normal, she equates it with love, she knows nothing else. She is so dependent upon this tyranny that life without it is frightenening to her.

The future of your relationship is dependent upon her, and no ne else. She must find the intellect, the will and the heart to want to break free from her family's tyranny. So long as she has the attitude that she wants both her family's acceptance and your love, all is lost. As long as she remains obedient to her parents tyranny, this family will never change. The only way to deal with this family is through strength, independence and power. She must stand up to them and refuse to obey them.

As long as this lady remains involved with her parents, it will be miserable for you to be involved with her, because they will make life miserable for the both of you. She must break away from them. The only way to deal with her parents is to stand up to them. As long as you play by their rules, they will be in control.

My advice will seem harsh. If you and I were alone in a bar talking about your problems I would tell you this, stop seeing her. Regain control of your life and move on. Tell her you will always love her, but until she breaks free of her parents tyranny the two of you have no future. Invite her to contact you if she ever decides to stand up to her parents and take control of her own life. She must decide she wants you and your love more than the acceptance of her family.

I know my advice is tough, but it is written with care, I wish you the best of luck with my whole heart.

George

In traditional Indian/Hindu families the household is ruled by the father and brothers. The marriage transaction has little to do with how the yw feels it has to do with an arrangement between men who are the head of their households. To disobey one's father in this family is not synonymous to a Christian family, this is the ultimate sin. It doesn't mean that they don't love her, it's just their tradition. The yw in question has to decide exactly what she wants, but she must be prepared to lose her family as they will not speak to her if her father insists that's how it should be. To choose between family and love is a very difficult choice but that's exactly the situation here. The yw faces a very difficult decision as her family might seriously carry through with their threat. It's not one of those they'll come around situation; this is an all or nothing kind of thing.

To the OM: Can you live with the fact that her family abandon her because she fell in love with you? Can you deal with the constant pressure that she has sacrificed her family to be with you, remember these are her blood relatives that might never speak to her again? Are you willing to give her the freedom to live on her own for a while, so she can be in a better position to make a decision that will forever affect her life?


To Hunnybunny: If you decide to be with this man, remember there's no guarantee that the relationship will work out, but you would have possibly alienated your family. Do you think you are capable of making such a big decision right now based on what you know of this man? Maybe you should try moving away from home for awhile, not immediately moving in with your OM, but try to experience life on your own before moving in with him. It seems that you are not independent enough to make such a big decision right now. At least if you leave home to work, rather than leave home to live with your OM, your father might not see it so much as betrayal. You would then have their support while you gain some perspective and independence, before having to choose between your family and your OM.

I wish the OP and her OM strength and courage in making such a decision, especially hunniebunny.

Thanks all for the advice, tips and suggestions.

Goodchild – you are so correct – however this is a text book example of “hypocrisy” and only when it “suits” the purpose.

And yes, I could live with it – I left home at 16 as that was a very TOXIC environment. Years later we were able to mend the fences and I have never regretted it once.

No family is better than years and years of emotional abuse that will follow you a lifetime.

My YW's desire and need to leave this country to be able to have a real future was an idea long before I came along.

Wes – we do not want to run away and or get married, (yet) – although I would in a heartbeat without any hesitation. Financially there is no issue.

All we want to do is talk on then phone and see each other every couple of weeks. We just want to allow our friendship grow and take our relationship one day at a time. Life is too short to do anything other.

BUT mommy has BANNED all contact by phone and personal visits and will continue to brow beat, belittle and disparage my YW into submission and has laid a guilt trip on my YW that if she does not submit to her demands, she will be responsible for breaking up the family.

What a terrible, terrible thing to do to your child. The judgmental enviroment that my YW endures is heartbreaking.

Anyway we spent Valentines and all day today (Saturday) together.

Many kudos and thanks for my YW putting her foot down and not cancelling our plans.

This past two days has been amazing and we both know that we will get through this. This past two days has erased any doubt in my mind.

The love we share is nothing like I have ever experienced before. We read each others minds, thoughts, and desires.

Emotionally, physically we are one together. My YW has become over the past year my BEST FRIEND and most BEAUTIFUL LOVER

I only want to get married once and have waited a long time for the right person to come along.

We will stay under mommy’s radar and hopefully the brow beating will cease and my YW can concentrate on graduating and getting her degree this year and move from that country.

Again - thanks all for the advice - this site is so helpful to many people........

Let your parents know how much it is stressing you and how much you love him. Remind them that you are an adult and can think for yourself. They don't need to baby you.

Do your parents already know you've broken up with him? Does he know you still want to be together?

Good luck.

Let your parents know how much it is stressing you and how much you love him. Remind them that you are an adult and can think for yourself. They don't need to baby you.

Do your parents already know you've broken up with him? Does he know you still want to be together?

Good luck.


I wish it was this easy.

Nothing except TOTAL 100% BLIND OBIEDIENCE is permitted.

Currently we cannot allow anyone in her circle to see us talking on the phone.

Dear hunnybunny17:

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled - and that's what your parents should want, too, but if they're so unaccepting of your relationship with an older man, you have to stand your ground and go with your heart. Your parents will accept your OM once they get to know him. Good luck.

hunnybunny,

I don't know if this helps, but I know exactly how you feel. I'm a 21 year old student, and I have been with my OM for 2 years now. My parents didn't know for a while, as I knew what their reaction would be (being the far right people that they are..). They found out about six months ago and were furious. They threatened to cut me off totally, financially, emotionally, etc. It's been a long road, but we are now engaged and will be getting married in the next couple of months. My parents are still as adamant as ever, but now that I am stronger emotionally and more independent financially, I can stand up for myself. This is the man I love, and I'm old enough to make that decision for myself. It does make me sad that my family may or never come around, but I had to decide that I would be able to live with them never wanting to see my children, etc. Of course I still pray they'll come around someday, but until then, at least I know that I've been true to myself and didn't let them intimidate me. Now I'm not saying that the same decision would be right for everyone, but I do know that at some point you may come to the place where you have to choose. It all comes down to what you and your heart tell you is the right choice. Best of luck, and you're not alone! :)

Since you are 22, why not delay the family thing until you are 24 or ideally 25. Each year older you get they will accept it more easily. It's not just the gap that freaks your mom out, it's also your age. Most parents are a lot more accepting if the younger person is at least 24 and ideally 25+. When the time comes, I suggest you take my sister's attitude that you aren't asking for permission or acceptance, but are just informing them after the fact (when it's already to late for them to object or interfere).

I never understood what's the big deal is between 22, 23 and 25. To me, once you're over 21 (and over the legal drinking age, college graduation age, professional age, and common marrying age -- as opposed to "legal" marrying age) then it's all the same to me. However, in this culture, people are going to continue to harp on this "25+" thing, and 24-year old "girls" are going to continue to be considered "too young" until that "magical" 25th birthday when all of a sudden a cosmic change occurs! *sigh*

Geo, excellent post! I liked what you said. I couldn't agree with you more, you're words are very wise and I can see why the ladies have come to rely on you as a great source of wisdom and encouragement. Love IS unconditional and it doesn't demand nor seek its own way. Good parents will let their adult children make independent choices even if they totally disagree. The key word is respect. They can disagree with your choice, but they have to respect you.