Lets all address this trend of YM and "I need space" or "I need time"

I have had great emails from you ladies and I want to thank you for it. Yes, Leanne and I are the happiest we have ever been, and it will only get better. But the reason for that is because we have gone through ups and downs and come out the other side of them better for it, and we have done it together. I guess the thing is, I dont need Dr. Phil to tell me that a marriage is about good and bad, I just know that intuitivly. I know that my whole purpose on earth is to please Leanne. (god she did a GOOD job of brain washing me!!)

I just want to share about our last year or so together so you guys can get some perspective.

Leanne and I had been together since December 29th, 1996. Thats a good 5 year run. Well we were selling a house at that time, and it just wasnt selling. It was a horse property, and by god that thing just refuses to sell. Well, in March of 2002 we got a call that a family member was ill. We talked about it, and since my job was a dead end job, and since Leanne was the one that was doing all the decorating ideas on the house, that I would go and help the family member. She said that the house was expected to sell in 90 days, so she would follow soon after. Nothing to it, a 90 day wait. So I dutifully packed my car up with all my stuff and headed out. Now I have to tell you all, that leaving Leanne for that amount of time was not looking good to me. I have been with her every day for 5 years. Then I asked her well....what if the house doesn't sell? She said that we would tackle that when and if it came around. We had an all night talk about things, and we both figured that this break might give us some breathing room. We were still planning on getting married, and I told her wisley that we needed some time anyways to figure things out. I told her that if you love something set it free. If it was meant to be, it will come back to you. She gave me that look of hers that says, I dont buy it, but I'll trust you on that, and that was that.

Well, I left, and that was the hardest thing to do. I cried for 4 hours driving. Man it was depressing. I realized that I was leaving the best part of me behind.

So it turns out, during my stay that I get a fairly decent job. Well, part of my going out here was that I was going to have to figure out if I did want to stay with Leanne, or do like she said and go after a woman that could give me kids and was my age. Well, my sister and her boyfriend, ( who was my best man at my wedding) took me out, introduced me to some girls, set me up on dates and such.

Now I know that some of you are sitting there thinking ...DOG!

Nope. I knew that without a doubt, I needed to find out for myself once and for all, if a younger woman could give me what I was getting with Leanne. If I married Leanne, and I didnt know, it would always hang over my head, I would always wonder if I had made the right choice, or if I had just settled.

Well, I found that young women, just like I figured, while nice to look at, are not all that great to talk to, dance with, hang out with, or have sex with. Now, we're being frank here. I am sure that there is a young woman out there SOMEWHERE that is mature, sexy and all the other things in a woman that I want. But I dont have a hundred years to look for her.

So what I found was this. Younger women want to bounce from one club to the next like there is literally no tomorrow. One girl dragged me to 7 different clubs in one night. I was so tired at the end of the night that I couldn't have gotten it up if I had wanted to.

The next girl, man she had a locomotive for a mouth, just on and on about herself, why she was hot, why I should think she was hot, blah blah blah.

And the next couple of girls showed me the exact same thing. No maturity, a couple of them got just PLOWED ( drunk for those of us that dont speak Californian) and there was just no sign of maturity, or responsibility. Now maybe its just the girls in my area. I dont know. But I know enough to make up my own mind. Now I did wind up in bed with 2 of the girls.

NOT what it was cracked up to be. Before I go further, Im going to tell you what I have told Leanne time and time again. Honesty is always the best policy, aside from being the easiest. I dont have the resources to remember the last lie I told, and then make up a new one to back that one up...so on and so forth.

Anyways, I wound up sleeping with 2 of the girls. There was some semblance of maturity and stability. But when it came time for the sack, I just couldnt enjoy myself. Quite literally I couldn't climax to save my life. I am probably the only YM, or guy my age for that matter, to not be able to get off with a hot girl sitting on my lap. It was just appalling.

It showed me that I was truley in love with Leanne. I am glad I did it, and so is she. I told her all about it while I was going through with it. She knew I was going to do it, and it did hurt her, but she allowed it because she knew that was the only way for us to know 200% for sure that she was the one I was supposed to marry. It may not be the way others would approach it, but its the way we did it and it worked for us.

Ugh, my fingers are killing me. I've got more thoughts on this, but i will post them later.


As always YMMV

One question, this is from my 19 year old boyfriend. Did the same rules apply to her? Cause he says that's the only way he'd feel it would be fair. Otherwise its just selfish bull pockey.
I'm glad it worked for you. Personally, I wouldn't do that at all. If he wants a commitment, he commits, if not, he's outta here. Been there, done that. Divorced it. And he was my age. One more question, do you think a woman your own age would have tolerated that? Nope. My unending tirade is, just because a guy is younger, doesn't mean the woman deserves less respect than the guy would treat someone his own age with. Not very grammatical, but you get my drift.

Holy cow! Okay, I am going to try to say this without offending you. You must be with one helluva woman for one thing. I just absolutely could not take a break in my engagement before the marriage to allow my man (no matter WHAT his age) to go out, date and sleep with other women to find out if he was missing something. I just....I don't really have words. No matter who we are with and no matter what their age, we run the risk that we are missing out on something with someone else. I guess, in my honest opinion, it is about loving the person you are with enough to not care what you are missing. AND....IMHO, and with all due respect, it's weird to me to be engaged to someone (i.e. committed to marry someone) and then need to date or sleep with other people to be 100% sure. Weren't you 100% sure when you asked her to marry you? I guess I am just frustrated with the whole "take a break" issue, and I don't want to sound rude to you by any means, but I just don't want y/m to think that this is a normal or acceptable thing to everyone. I, for one, would not have gone for it. Not all women are as understanding as your lovely wife. I do wish you all the happiness, and I am glad that is all worked out for you.

Ya know, I think i've sufficently beaten this topic to death with my opinions, but I think there is still room for one more. First of all, Dude, what the hell were you thinkin when you thought you needed to be 100% sure there wasn't anyone who could please you like she did. Friggin christ. (I appologize in advance for the anger you'll sense in this post, but its been sure a reoccuring theme around here that its just got me going crazy) You know, I'm 19 years old. I have a girlfriend who I've been with for a good ammount of time, and ever since that first day we were together, there was no second guess in my mind whether or not anyone could please me like her. Here is my philosophy on it: If you have doubts, then it isn't worth disproving those doubts. I swear, I don't know whats with some of these women that tolorate that kind of stuff. Lets turn the tables man. You are her, she is you. She is having doubts whether or not you are going to be the only person who could ever please her like you do. So, she decides during a 90 day "break" to experiance some more ding-al-ling and see what happens. What happens to you when you hear she wants to do this? What happens when you hear she's done it? What happens if you hear that she found better? Then what. Your 5 years go *flush*. That is a huge risk!!! So, again I ask what the hell were you thinking?!?!?!?!?!? Well, now that you have 2 more notches on the bedpost, what can you say for your experiance? Have you figured out that it takes time to get used to the feeling of sex with someone new? Of course it wasn't going to feel as good, because the people you slept with don't know your body. They don't know what you like and dislike.

I will say this again, I really don't understand what the hell the deal is with women who put up with that crap. I honestly don't. I know if I tried some shit like that on my girlfriend, I'd have a tube coming out of my pelvis. . .so that I could piss out of because my girlfriend would have chopped my dick off so fast that i'd need a cathader to piss out of.

Well, dude, you're one lucky guy in that your girlfriend did tolorate that, and she did take you back. I don't know too many who would have done that. I call it luck, but I also call it foolish. What happens next time these doubts come into your head?

A counselor once said you have two choices, leave, or learn to live with it. Truer words were never spoken. And I think thats how I'll end this damn reply. Maybe one day i'll be able to calm the hell down and post something a little less thretening, but until then this is all I have to say.

Steve

Oh, and PS. Your Milliage definatly varries from mine.

I, too, am glad that everything worked out for you. . .I just hope this crap doesn't come back to bite you in the ***

Steve. . .Getting 50 miles to the gallon

Is Jason married now? Man, that just made me sick to my stomach to read. I say "don't count your blessings yet Jason." These things don't go away like that.

I have put up with quite a bit of crap from a few guys (as some have from me) but there is no way I would have let someone who did all that come back to me.

There is a difference in needing space and just wanting to go out and sow some more wild oats. I have to go read another thread... & think about something else. :(

Jason, I am not "mad" at you... I don't even really know you. I just had a honest reaction to what you posted.

I did not know if you were married or not so I checked your threads & then went & looked at your wedding pictures. Your wife is beautiful and you both make a great looking couple.

Here is my concern. Please let me know if I am not reading things correctly. You left in March of 2002 to go stay with the relative. You were separated from each other about 9 months, right? So that means you and Leanne got married almost as soon as you two were together again. So you have only been back together only 4 months, right? So dear heart, just don't be surprised if what you did while you were engaged, doesn't cause problems this year. If it does, I hope you two will work it out and see a counselor. I do wish you both the best.

You all say how can he do this, and how can she put up with it. Damn near every woman on the board here has some long tales of dealing with man-crap. Not to mention most women I know also have stories to tell.

I don't get it. Women are putting up with this kind of crap, and shying away from decent guys. Not enough drama for you? Too much positive happy feelings? Need to ride the emotional rollercoaster to be happy? Blows my freaking mind!

I'm ranting here because whenever I'm with a woman, and I feel like I'm really getting to like her (and let her know it), I get sent packing. While I remember one that I was a little indifferent to, and she worshipped me.

I think I'm going to go live in a cave, keep clear of the women folk, and maybe raise some sheep instead. The company will be consistent, and the bleating not so bitter.

:mad:

agreed, ronin...her approval was given of her own free will, so i guess we shouldn't come down so hard on the side of the guy in this instance. it seemed to be a mutual (albeit odd) decision.

i'm with bella...if someone proposed this to me, i would kick their *** out the door the moment i heard "sleep with other women......".

>^..^<

I don't know. I doubt it will be necessary in the case of my guy - since he had a fairly significant relationship before me (unlike some other folks on the board) - but I could see possibly doing something like Leanne and Jason did. Although it should go both ways. And maybe it did - we're only hearing one side of the story after all :>

Marriage is a pretty big deal in my book. And you oughta go into it sure
as shit that this is the place that you wanna be.

Seems to me that how you get there is your own business. Is this really so very different than the old hetero standby - the bachelor party?

All I'm saying is that I'd rather have a faithful marriage preceeded by a little experimenting than a faithless marriage with a flawless buildup.

And I suspect more people wouldn't have gotten the second if they'd tried out the first.

Congrats on the wedding, Jason, and treat your very generous lady well.

I'm in no position to advise anyone about this issue. I can say that I understand where you are coming from, Jason! Doesn't mean that it's right or wrong. I can also say that being away from somone, or taking time off from your relationship does make you want to give it 200% when you truly find out that it is what you want. Deb and I are still going out on casual dates with each other, and I talk to her just about everyday on the phone. We agreed, to allow each other to explore other avenue's of our lives. Sometimes, that's what you need to realize what's best for you. In Life, there are no guarantee's! You two must be meant to be. I'm glad that things worked out for you, and congratulations on the marriage!
BTW, just wanted to add that I'm not going to be a father. The test came back negative! Whew! That's one strain off of Deb and I! Thank God!

Hello all!

I usually post across the way...but this thread caught my attention...

I just have to say, that needing space and time isn't just a YM issue. It happens with all people, for instance, OM. I recently posted for advice regarding my OM's need for time and space and found that many YW have had similiar experiences with their OM.

The wisest bit of advice I ever recieved regarding love, romance, and relationships came from an older male friend of mine. He has been married 25 some years to a woman close to his own age. I was belly-aching about love and how jaded I was feeling regarding love. And his words have stuck with me.

He pointed out that of course people get to a point where they are jaded and cynical regarding love. Humans are experts at beating up on each other in this arena. When I asked him, well, what is the key to love then? He said, after 25 years, he still isn't sure! His only advice: passion and excitement come easy in the early stages of ALL relationships. When we first meet a person, any person, it's easy to get swept away...all the adventure lies before us. The trick to long lasting love, though, is to keep that spirit alive. And realize that it may wax and wane...but love requires work...and putting the time in. And--not giving up because you think it has become dull! Put the work in.

I've taken that advice to heart myself recently.

thanks for allowing me to share!

Jason.......I wish you all the best.
My two cents.............You brought one of our biggest fears to light.
I sent my y/m on his way at about the 3 month mark.....he was afraid of what would happen when my daughter came home, fear of loving us, etc........I said......"there's the door....use it" He was upset but he left and called his ex wife. They ended up fooling around and the next day we ended up back together. I don't know how or why but I took him back and still, all these months later, I am still haunted by this. I love him and I know it will not happen again........he says the only thing he can say to defend himself is that he went back to the familiar out of fear of his feelings for me. I say what the f#ck ever!
I do know that we are solid but I don't want to meet this woman, which is a problem b/c they have 2 kids and I really need to be able to interact with her. Maybe one day.....maybe not.
To just go out and test the waters with any woman, older or younger, just to see if you are missing anything before marriage is crazy. I am not sure if your woman is a saint or a martyr......more power to you both.
I know that if it were me......every time we touched, the visions of those y/w would be in bed with us and would destroy my love for you eventually.
Still, brightest blessings to you, TD

I'm one of the women on here that are going through their ym life crisis, we've been apart now for 5 months. I believe our breakup is a bit different then some on here. Our problems have nothing to do with Justin sewing his wild oats.

His problem was that he wanted to find himself. He's been very unhappy at his job for some time, he loves the work he does and is very good at it but he has reached the point that he can go no farther in the company. He's been getting very discouraged career wise, he wants to look into furthering his education and take a welding course.

Justin is a very responsible guy and I think he felt he couldn't concentrate on doing what he needed to do for himself because he always spent all of his time making sure everything was good for the boys and I. In the 5 years Justin and I have been together we have gone through so much stress with my oldest son I would be suprised that a man of any age could cope with it, not talk about 22. I know my ex husband who is 43 could not handle it and he wasn't even nearby enough to have to deal with the situation.

I think he needed this break to work on himself and figure out which direction HIS life is taking . Several months ago he told me that while we were apart I was to get my sh*t together while he got his together, then we would see how we felt about each other then. So that's what I've been doing. Thing's with my oldest son has improved considerably, he's starting to straighten his life around. I've learned to not let his problems become mine so much now (this was the cause of a lot of the stress in our relationship). I often use to take my stress out on Justin at the end of the day because he was the one nearest to me in the evenings (the poor kids took the day shift).

During this time we have continued to have sex with each other because neither of us feel comfortable or have the desire to be with someone else. I know the time may come when one of us do have a "in the heat of the moment" or an actual attraction for someone else. We have agreed that we both must be 100% honest with one another if this should happen. I don't know how I would handle taking Justin back after he had been with someone else. I do know that if it should happen and I do still love him like I do now, I would do my best to try and understand and try and forget it. I think I tend to agree with Tiny Dancer, that I would have visions of it in my head of it when we were together. I'm glad things worked out for the two of you Jason, thats great. I just don't think this could be the answer for everyone that is going through this.

As for how we are doing now, our relationship seems to be getting stronger by the week. He's more relaxed when he's over, not so on guard, and he said he has seen a lot of big changes in me. He's stayed over night at least 4 of the last weekends in a row and we have had some good talks. I'm not so stressed and have learned to cope much better with difficult situations, there has been a lot of good come out of our seperation. He is looking into getting his GED and then taking his welding course. I'm hoping when he makes his decision in July that he will decide (with things being so good between us) to quit his job and move back here and pursue school. With me finished school and hopefully getting a good job a lot more stress could be taken off his shoulders.

Brenda

That's really good to hear, Brenda.

You've really been a rock of stability, generosity, compassion and plain old common sense throughout all of these growing pains of his.

Whatever happens, he was a very lucky man to have known you and been with you for these last five years :)

men, no matter what their age, generally take longer to make a commitment than women. that does not excuse men from honesty, kindness, and respect at all times--for all women.

women, no matter what their age, should never, ever put up with any behavior from a younger man that they wouldn't tolerate from one their age or older.

the unique bond between older women and younger men is based on truth and equality. younger men who think they need time or space should realize that they can't have it both ways. while they're making up their minds, their partners might well find another younger man with better character and greater integrity.

olander5

If the man I loved and planned to marry suggested a time-out to "find himself" (in bed with someone else) I wouldn't stop him. How could I? If I DID he would always harbor resentment and would probably end up doing it anyway someday. Probably behind my back.

But it would take a major toll if he did do it. I'd be crushed.... always wondering if he was making love with someone else, if she pleased him, if he was falling in love with her. Even just a little bit. Even just for a night. And you know, the fact that the girl was about as exciting as a shoehorn or that she was totally self-absorbed or that he couldn't get it up with her wouldn't make me feel any better. Not in the least. I would be just as devastated.

Afterwards I would probably still have feelings for him because my feelings for people I love run deep, but I could never love him in the same way again. Ever.

Exactly, Moon. Been there. I know how it changes things. And I couldn't do it ever again, it's way too painful. "Open" relationships are not my thing. My first marriage almost killed me, my husband said he was going to do what he wanted, and if I didn't like it, I could leave, but without my kids. That was back in the 70s, there wasn't as much domestic protection as there is now, and I had three small babies, and no job skills, so I felt trapped. Emotionally, I died for a long long time. Physically I came close.
I did tell David, if its something he feels the need to experience, and he doesn't want to lose me, he better NEVER tell me, and he better use a condom. If I know about it, I'm done, I can't stay with someone who can't be faithful. And yeah, that's part of my baggage, but its me. I'm not telling him he can't, but I am telling him what will happen if he does, his choice. Once again, you make choices, you take the consequences. He was upset with me, that he'd feel too guilty, and would have to tell me. But the thing is, if I find out, much as I love him, and still would, I can't be with him anymore. I know how it feels. So he knows the choice is his... so is the outcome.
And I'm appalled that someone could have made the choice and the commitment to get married, and THEN go sow oats. In my mind, that nullifies any commitment made. I'd like to think that if you got engaged, you'd already feel sure.
Jason, you're very lucky that your lady seems so much more open minded than me. I'd still bet this comes up and bites you in the butt sometime. The pain goes really really deep. You admit knowingly hurting her. That alone would be enough to make me run for the hills, that the man I love could cause me immense pain for some shallow selfish playing on his part.
The other thing that bothers me is, did the young ladies you played around with realize you were in a commited relationship and all you were interested in was seeing how it felt to get laid by someone else? Using people isn't good.
Personally, I'd love to hear Leanne's version of this.

I dont think I explained this right, and not that I really have to, but here goes.

Leanne's biggest fear for 5 years was that I would run off and leave her. Now she has always told me, and I her, that if you love something set it free. If it comes back to you its yours. We addressed this time and time again. Finally when I was packing to come out here, she sugguested that we take the time apart and do our own seperate things. Now this to me sounded at the time like she was really trying to get rid of me, and she had no plans to follow me out here. But she said that she wanted me to be sure beyond a reasonable doubt that she was the one. She told me that she was confident in our love, even though we were going to be seperated. In the end, we both agreed to do our seperate things discreetly. The stipulation was that we weren't to rub it in the other's face, bring it up, or so forth. We talked about it once, about a week after she got here, when we had a good sit down with cigars and drink out on the deck and have a talk talks. You see what you dont know about me is that I used to work in protection, so I know that most things can be talked out and reasoned with logic, something some of these posts lack severly. Leanne also is the kind who prefers to use reason to emotion when it comes to decisions. She used to go by emotions, but since we've been together, I've shown through example that keeping your cool no matter how angry you are allows you to make better decisions. Now that we have gone through it, she feels better. I believe her. I know how to tell when she's fibbing or not, and I know when she is telling me her bare soul truth, and I believe her when she said that it was a small pain to go through to be at the place she is now, to know that no woman will take me away from her. For my part, several guys made moves on her, and yeah it stings, but she's here, and the past is the past. Where it belongs. History is for learning from, not fighting over.

I have seen alot of emotion fly around on this board. People always flipping out at the slightest problem with their ym or ow. No one seems to be able to work things out. Mostly no one here (I am sure there are exceptions) has shown a porpensity to actually say, we had a problem and we talked about it. Mostly it's I had a fight, and now I am here to talk about it and get advice before I do something about it. And most of the reactions are knee jerk reactions like "give him the boot", ......you get the idea. And here is something else. You guys seem to overlook the fact that people make mistakes. That is the inherent problem with being human is that they happen, and quite often. So what happens when someone makes a mistake? Do you kick them out or do you try and work through it.

I think it takes a stronger person to say, "You fu*ked up, but I love you and we ARE going to make this work" Now for everyone there is the obvious exception. Domestic violence, drugs, whatever. But when 2 consenting adults say look, we need time apart, and we need to do our seperate thing apart so that we are sure before we decide to get married or not, theres nothing there anyone can bash.

And the responses of, why do you need to do it in the first place? Obviously from someone who hasnt lived very long, or had much to regret or wonder about. You do it so you dont wonder for the rest of your life if you were right or wrong. If you can live like that, god bless you, but being a type A personality, I HAVE to know certian things. Thats just me. Welcome to America.

And on that note, one final thing. I dont know if its customary on this board to send personal emails to someone with a very nasty tone in it, but its just childish, and since I happent to actually like this board I wont be going anywhere for quite a while. You see I believe that discussions like this one, no matter what you think, I think some people read them, examine themselves and their relationship, and grow from it. You can learn from the good and the bad. It just takes a bit of maturity to do.

As always YMMV (im getting more than 50 miles to the gallon)

I neither agree nor disagree, I can honestly say, I have been on both sides of the fence.
I am one that has NEVER taken an ex back. (I know Leann wasn't and ex)
I have read your post from day one, and I waited a bit to post, I wanted to see what people would say.
My first thoughts were "They needed time apart to see if marriage was right"
My thoughts now, ~Same thing.
It worked for you guys, yes YMMV.
This board can become very judgemental, heck I have done it before, but I never do the dirty e-mail thing, or the "waiting till you post to stalk thing", ....though I have heard and seen many do:rolleyes:
Thanks for sharing your pics Jason, and again, you are a lovely couple, congrats and many happy blessings on your life together and your marriage.

I wouldn't rather commit to a man who didn't have any intimate experiences with other women. That responsiblity would be too much for me.. I would prefer that he checks the world a bit and sees what is there and what he likes or dissaproves. It would come up during the life with that guy sooner or later. Why not have it now - and not to worry later?

Leanna's Credo- "if you love something set it free" is very much my credo as well. It definitely wasn't easy for Leanna to set Jason free AFTER 5 YEARS, when it seems like they are together for life.. But I would probably do the same... I would prefer to be "the chosen one" than "the only one". Also, all depends who are we dealing with, what is the level of maturity, mutual understanding and respect and how all that is approached.

Reading Jason's last post I do understand how they both came to the "time for brake" and how they decided to go thru it etc. I find it reasonable and again - would prefer that now over later..
Yes, it hurts, yes, it comes back - but it fades faster than the real thing they share.

Jeez, stop screaming at me, I have a right to be from Mars...

Jason, sexy girl on your lap and you are one piece of ice? Great, man.. have you ever heard that it's a brain that makes your dick work? LOL..

TallGuy, I do admire you, love your posts and am amazed that being so young you know and understand so much. It is wonderful that you are loving and respectful and faithfull. Lucky your Lady !!!

But life ain't always so clear; there are many different aspects, many individually set rules. What can be a crap in one situation doesn't have to be the same in a different set-up.

Now I'll be beat-up to the bones or mercifully ignored - both punishments are accepted..

Teli

i also was once the recepient of a nasty personal email after posting for advice.If someone cannot post for all to read then i have to question what their motives really are. How sad that someone has to be personally attacked via email for posting for advice. What age are the people here?Just making sure i'm still at the right site. Even though i don't post much i read the posts every day. Hi to all my friends i would like to chat with you soon. ill try to visit the chatroom

I'm very happy that everything worked out so well for the two of you. But I think you are being unfair to characterize the posters to your thread as lacking in logic. Personally, I think most people would find yours to be the illogical position.

It seems as if you're saying that partners should be able to sit down calmly and rationally and decide, without emotion, to go out and share their most intimate selves with other people and just accept it as a kind of learning experience. And you seem to suggest that if you CAN'T do that you are being irrational, overly emotional, illogical, unforgiving, and immature. I would be very cautious in making such a value judgment if I were you.

Thats not what I am saying. What I am saying is that there appears to be a kneejerk reaction by SOME people. Not by all. For the majority, people spoke their minds and hearts, and ultamitly, that is what I wanted to do. To spark an honest debate about the time apart situation.

However that being said I do think that there should ALWAYS be some part of your discussions with your significant other that are devoid of emotion. Emotion does tend to clutter things up a bit. And its wonderful to have it. But in times of distress and emotional havoc, emotion can lead you to make a bad mistake.

I am a bit more reserved and tight lipped in public than most, more stoic. i have had to be. And in getting to that formidable stance, you have to learn to remove emotion from even the most charged of situations.

Again, this is me. This is not an attempt to sway someone over to the dark side of the force or anything like that.

YMMV

I'm not judging you for what you and your wife decided to do....its your relationship and it worked for you, and I am surely happy for you.
However, I am not acting as a reaction to old baggage, pain or societal restraints when I say that....I would have reacted totally different. If my y/m and I were engaged, and he decided that maybe we needed to take a break, I could hang with that. If it went so far as him dating, kissing and sleeping with another woman, which obviously was causing me a great deal of pain, I would not have been there when he returned. Nor would it have been an idea I would have agreed with beforehand....
I am acting out of the idea that if I was in love with someone enough to be engaged to them (and I am in love), I could not stand the idea of them kissing, touching or making love to someone else. I could not stand the idea that my y/m could go through with something like that knowing how much it would hurt me.....and how it could affect our relationship. This is just me...no judgement on anyone else, but I wanted to make my reasoning clear. :)

Hi Jason,
I do not judge you or anyone else.
Of course we reacted, or I did, when reading your first post on this situation.
It hit a nerve, like I said, it is a fear that most of us women have and.....maybe men too.
Usually, I tend to think more like the males on many subjects but I know that even with that.......I couldn't begin to have sex with someone else when my heart was taken.
I did take my man back.......I love him. It does still paint some ugly pictures in my head from time to time......just me.
We talk, I understand, it's a done deal and I love him, and he me, enough to get past it and on with our lives......still, in a vulnerable moment.....it hurts.
I wish you all the best......everyone has to live in a place where they can make their lives work and that is different for everyone.
Blessings, TD