Looking for books, studies on age gaps

I've been looking for some *credible* information regarding age gap relationships, how to cope, etc. I'm seeing a wonderful therapist but she doesn't seem to have any specific insight into these types of relationships. I wouldn't say she was put off when I told her I was in one with a man much older than me during out first meeting but I felt it necessary to get put it on the table as something to discuss.

I have a couple of friends who will be getting married and a book they suggested everyone in a relationships read is Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger. It is based on the Myers-Briggs personality assessment.

Anyway, I'm looking for more than anecdotal stories that I find here or in the media... not that there isn't any credibility to what you might have to offer me, however, I'm looking for...more? I guess. I don't really know how to put it. Something I can really use as a guide to share with him as I don't feel comfortable sending him to this forum. For one reason, he simply wouldn't have the time nor the patience to sift through everyone's stories. Not to generalize (look at me here!) women tend to be a bit wordy and as a man he wants something simple and to the point which I'd be more able to offer if I had something very focused to read and study.

Does any of this make sense. I used the search function and I didn't come up with anything. I don't really have time to go through all of the results and was hoping something would be really evident in the thread titles but there wasn't.

If anyone has any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated.


Oh, and, in case anyone wants to know... I am in a 35 year age gap :) Holy cannoli! I know! :) He is absolutely wonderful however and has a heart of gold. We've been together for 7 months and we've had some hesitation, rather, it's been sort of slow moving as things have gotten more serious as he doesn't really know how to handle age gap in public (he is a well known public figure... in fact, I'm sure some of you might even know of him! However, I'm not trying to boast whatsoever.)

We have a very private relationship and I'm looking at ways to make him feel more comfortable about "sharing" me and our relationship with the world.

This seems to be enough to start with and I look forward to any responses I may receive, whether they are good or bad. Good day to you all!

I don't know of any.

I put together a thread of topics for Older Women/Younger Men relationships that covers commonly asked questions:
http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=20506

Some of those topics address age gaps in general, but not much would apply to your case of a younger woman with an older man.

What are you trying to answer for him? Are you trying to make him feel more confident about relationships with age gaps working out? I'm not sure what kind of book or any kind of book that can help with that. The best thing IS anecdotal stories of successful age gap relationships and how they worked it out.

And the only place I know that you can find that is right here! We have a couple of members with men 30+ years older.

Maybe just start telling the members what the issue is and you'll get a lot of advice right in this thread and you can use that advice/stories.

Every age gap relationship is different and has different issues, so it'd be hard to have just a book about age gaps.

PS. I'll move this to the YW/OM side for you, too!

Like Kirstin, I'm wondering exactly what you're looking for. Statistics on age gap relationships? I've come across things like that (IIRC, AGRs tend to have slightly lower divorce rates), but I can't recall exactly where. The best thing to do, IMHO, is to concentrate on your relationship and the issues specific to it. Every person is different and so is every relationship. An age difference is only one characteristic of your relationship, and only the two of you can identify your inherent strengths and weaknesses together. Perhaps if you mentioned some of your concerns though, other posters could give you some perspective on them.

I did find one study that showed Age Gap relationships seem to last longer because of social inequity. They are harder to get off the ground, but stick better once invested:

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20051229-000003.html

A link to his study (purchase required):
http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00429.x

He posted here back in 2004 to survey members for his study:
http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=9049

A link to his study (purchase required):
http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi...7.2007.00429.x
I can send you a copy of this if you want.

I don't know about the OP, but I'd love to read it, Pink!

PM me your email address and I'll send it to you. It's too big to attach to a post (plus then there are copyright issues involved) and I don't think I can send it in a PM.

OK, thanks!

PS. I'll move this to the YW/OM side for you, too!

Sorry I goofed on that. Could've sworn I did it correctly.. I'm not THAT internet illiterate :)

Well, I know there have been prominent social figures with age gap relationships, michael douglas/catherine zeta jones, jeff goldblum is dating a much younger lady, there was the story a few weeks ago about larry king and his wife who is almost 30 years younger than him, etc. etc. But clearly they aren't sharing personal stories of what it's like to be in that sort of situation.

I guess my issues are that I feel "hidden". I understand that a part of his success with his public persona is that he is perceived as a single, simple guy. I typically operate well as "the (wo)man behind the curtain" as well so it doesn't bother me so much. It's just that our relationship seems to be restricted to his house, my apartment or a few of our favorite restaurants. I would like to have weekend get aways or maybe go to the beach, explore some of the wonderful parks, take him to some of my favorite places (we live in California and I love Yosemite, Death Valley, Sequoia Nat'l Park, the Redwoods, etc.). Even if we were to go to the really nice restaurants in LA (ie; Koi...a paparazzi hot spot) it would completely SCANDALOUS if they saw me with him. He said, in fairness to me, he doesn't want to expose me to that and them to me because of the potential for harassment, them starting to follow me around, etc. I know the age gap worries him because he is hesitant to have to go through things he's already gone through so many times when it is only my first or second time. Things might seem like a big deal to me but it is like water off a ducks back to him.

He also has a special place he goes to, he calls it his "Cheers", where he goes to "not think or worry about anything and the people there are like family to him". He calls me his lover, partner and best friend and it hurts me that he won't let me go there with him even once in a while. Whenever I've dated someone, no matter the age, they have always been excited to introduce me to their friends and take me to their favorite places so this is completely bizarre and new to me. I've tried addressing it to him but, point blank, he just said "I do not want you coming there. I do not want the drama associated with it". It is one of the few places I've been able to have safe, innocent fun in LA and I am hurt that he has taken that away from me. Even if I go when he is out of town (which is often) he obviously hears about it. I feel like I am a threat to his "territory" or his image. Then my mind wanders and I think... does he keep the places to himself because he wants to flirt with other girls? Not that flirting is terrible or anything... but I am trying so hard to let go and completely trust that he wouldn't be doing anything that he wouldn't do if I was there.

I know I'm pointing out a lot of negative things but over all he is absolutely wonderful. He is gentle, caring and we try our best to communicate fairly (no yelling, swearing, name calling, etc.) but sometimes I feel like he needs to last word and doesn't want to hear me out...says I don't say things the "right" way... that I should be able to think 2 or 3 steps ahead to a way that would be more comfortable for him. I want him to be able to respect that we aren't the same person and we don't think the same way thus we will not communicate our thoughts the exact same way. It seems like no matter how hard I try I put him in defense mode.

He says I "stuff" things and it is because there never seems to be a good time to bring things up. He doesn't like how I bring things up. I just don't know what to do.

Other than that, things are great. We get along wonderfully, physically I'm very satisfied :) and we do little things for each other that only we could appreciate.

So... sorry this was so long. I hope that gives you a little bit of insight.

It's just the generation gap... different lifestyles, different communication styles, different expectations... different ways of handling relationships.

He says the slower the better for him but I grew up in an age, obviously, where things move quite a bit faster. I think you should know if you want to be with someone long term by the 3 month mark and should be able to comfortable think or at least tell someone you love them by 6-8 months and I'm not even close to the point of being able to say it because I think he would run off at olympic speeds. I sort of alluded to the strength and depth of my feelings and he said it made him feel pressured and obligated to the relationship... when here I thought he would be flattered by my feelings.

It's like...what the **** am I doing wrong all the time? AGGGHHHH.

We seem to run into the same issues over and over again and I just want to know how to get over them.

Also, I realize I'm still young but due to my midwestern upbringing I don't want to date much longer. Not that I have anything against people who wait until they are 30+ to get married that is just not what I expect for myself. I am at a point where the person I'm with now or maybe the next 1-2 people (if I can handle giving my heart away again without having become a bitter hag) is going to be the person I'm going to marry.

I don't know how to bring that up to him. Maybe it is too early...I'll admit that. but I want him to know that that is something on the plate for me. he does have an ex wife....12 years ago and hasn't really dated since then. Said he tried to date someone once and it was pretty lame (my words). He says, at the time, he just wanted to be married... I wish I could time travel and know the idealist, romantic man who "just wanted to be married"... it was probably a rash decision on his part...and a long story about how effed up she was in the head and he just says "I picked the wrong person, oh BOY, did I pick the wrong person"... they were in marriage counseling for 4 of the 6 years they were married to give you an idea... Funny thing is she is a therapist herself! He said, literally, the day after they were married she turned into a completely different person and a very close friend of hers confided in him and told him that she perceived him as a "prize" something to "win" over...I think she wanted to "marry up" or something to get street cred, so to speak. I don't know. But she was an absolutely miserable person. I know a lot of people talk trash about their exes but I know how hard he tries to make things work and it just would not happen with this woman. She would not give in, no compromises whatsoever...she would freak if, let's say in a restaurant, the waitress walks by and you, without thinking about it at all, glance at her as she walks by she would berate him and embarrass him and tell him how wrong that was. She would try to keep him from working and traveling (he goes all over the country) because she was so jealous and possessive.

I don't know if he is projecting things on me and thinks I am going to be like her or what...

This is just added info for any insight anyone has.

I don't mind that he has been married before I just hope that is something he might consider if it was appropriate for us to do so at some point down the line. I don't just want to be someone's "life partner" -- is it wrong for me to want something more official for myself? Am I too demanding.

blaaaaah I feel like I'm just saying EVERYTHING all at once. I don't want to overwhelm all of you. :)

It seems like no matter how hard I try I put him in defense mode.

He says I "stuff" things and it is because there never seems to be a good time to bring things up. He doesn't like how I bring things up. I just don't know what to do.

...

It's like...what the f*** am I doing wrong all the time? AGGGHHHH.

We seem to run into the same issues over and over again and I just want to know how to get over them.
I'm studying for an exam so I don't have much time, but I wanted to say that I've been in this kind of situation twice, not being able to discuss real concerns either because he was always too busy and stressed to deal with it or because I somehow always put him on the defense. No matter how good things were when we were getting along, it wore me down and eroded my own self-confidence to constantly be cast as the villain, and I'll never fall into that trap again. And in my experience it wasn't age-related at all. Ask yourself whether you actually are in the wrong or if he's just playing the victim. If everything's great in a relationship except that you need to change, then what is it that's so great?

I'm studying for an exam so I don't have much time, but I wanted to say that I've been in this kind of situation twice, not being able to discuss real concerns either because he was always too busy and stressed to deal with it or because I somehow always put him on the defense. No matter how good things were when we were getting along, it wore me down and eroded my own self-confidence to constantly be cast as the villain, and I'll never fall into that trap again. And in my experience it wasn't age-related at all. Ask yourself whether you actually are in the wrong or if he's just playing the victim. If everything's great in a relationship except that you need to change, then what is it that's so great?

At work so not a lot of time to respond like you :) Thanks for the food for thought...

I don't think he thinks I need to change as a person...perhaps a few behaviors and communication style.. I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with making it easier to communicate with each other... he has done things himself to help me understand where is coming from as well...

More later perhaps. Crazy day at work here! Thanks for your insight.

I don't think he thinks I need to change as a person...perhaps a few behaviors and communication style..
I didn't mean he wants to change everything about you, but you've got to decide how much is too much. Because we do all have different personalities and communication styles, I think the foundation of an ability to get along with anyone long-term, and particularly a relationship partner, is the ability to give them the benefit of the doubt and start from the premise that they're on your side. Part of that is the assumption that they aren't trying to rub you the wrong way. It's normal for both people to need a little adjustment, but if things you say or do are being misinterpreted in a negative way on a regular basis, I think it's a good idea to ask yourself why you aren't being given that benefit of the doubt.

Keep in mind that this is just my perspective. I see a pattern in what you're describing that sounds very familiar and is something that I just couldn't deal with and that, frankly, started to make me feel like I was going crazy. But I'm also kind of stubborn and relatively extreme in terms of independence and self-determination. If I valued relationships as much as you seem to I might have found some way to compromise without feeling like I was losing myself. But I still think these are things you should think about so you can decide what you want instead of just assuming that you're actually doing something wrong.

I was also concerned about one other thing, but not sure if I was reading it wrong. About the "Cheers" place he goes to, is this a place you used to go to and he doesn't want you to go anymore?

My observations ...

Men and women communicate differently, and the things they want to communicate are different, becuase what is important to each gender is often different. I am not aware of a generational or age-based communication "gap". I would suspect any gap in communication you are experiencing is gender-based and not age-based. You would have the same issues with a younger man. If there is any difference in communication between generations, it is society has allowed women of your generation to be more assertive than the women of my generation, which is a good thing.

The relationship "stuff" you have told us about so far is "typical" stuff, and has nothing to do with the age difference.

If you have been seeing this gentleman for 3 months or more you have every right to ask him if the relationship has a good prospect to lead to marriage. That is your desire and need, and you have every right to feel that way. So ask.

So does 818 mean you live in the SF Valley? I work in the Valley weekdays. I'm here in beautiful Sylmar at this very moment.

take care, the old guy

On the subject of information on age-gap marriages,

Lauren Bacall talks very openly about her marriage to Humphrey Bogart in her auto-biography. Their's was a 25 year age-gap. She was 20, he was 45 when they married, the marriage lasted until Bogart's death at age 57.

the old guy

Geo, excellent post.

After a while, about half a year to a year, specially when living together, AGR issues are really a minor part of the difficulties an age gap couple faces.

Failure to put down the toilet seat, always being late, watching too much TV, spending too much on shoes, not taking out the trash, not enough sex, insecurities, too much booze, not enough money, become the real problems of long term relationships, age gap or not.

Your capacity to deal with everyday issues, communicate effectively, and decide wich battles are worth fighting, will mark the success of your relationship.

I was also concerned about one other thing, but not sure if I was reading it wrong. About the "Cheers" place he goes to, is this a place you used to go to and he doesn't want you to go anymore?

It's actually the place I met him :o I had gone there a few times when he was there and a few times when he wasn't... and now he just doesn't want me to go. He says it's "his place"... I liken it to a guy needing his work bench in the garage or a spare office to go to get away or when a guy needs some time after he comes home from work to watch "the game" or play video games, read the newspaper...whatever.

It sounds like I'm trying to make excuses but I'm not.

Nonetheless, it still kind of bothers me.

So does 818 mean you live in the SF Valley? I work in the Valley weekdays. I'm here in beautiful Sylmar at this very moment.

take care, the old guy

Yes, 818 for life! What's funny is how often I hear Sylmar describe as..."beautiful Sylmar"...so part of me thinks you're being sarcastic :)

Just out of curiosity, is this guy public enough that tabloids would be after him? That could explain a lot as well.

Just out of curiosity, is this guy public enough that tabloids would be after him? That could explain a lot as well.

Yes. He is in the gossip columns, so to speak, at LEAST monthly.

I know it does explain some things...others...not so much.

I just think he is being overly paranoid. And I understand that people think I would be a gold digger, aiming for status... but to me he isn't the guy that everyone else sees. :\ meh. There's no way to really let the media "in" if you know what I mean.

Tabloids can be very vicious. Years ago I used to read the Globe and Examiner for the "Sheela Wood" column, a personals column in the back of those magazines where I used to advertise before I started writing to the Philippines.

About 12 years ago I remember a story in the Globe about Neil Diamond, then 55, supposedly dating a 25-year old. Apparently, according to the story, they would sneak into a hotel separately and pay off the management to keep their rendezvous secret, but the Globe was on to them and caught them red-handed (as if they were committing a crime!). The rest of the story was the usual tabloid dirt. The last two sentences summed up the article; someone was quoted as saying "We were all saddened when his last marriage didn't work out, but we hoped he would find a suitable partner. Instead he turned out to be just another dirty old man chasing young girls."

I never heard about Neil Diamond's young date anywhere else, nor did the story ever come up again, so it could very well have been made up.

This is the kind of crap that people read, and is part of the reason we still have so much intolerance of these relationships.

thanks everyone for your responses -- much appreciated!

i hope to one day be able to offer advice to someone in a similar situation... i'll be sticking around here...perhaps a bit silently for now :)