New to the Forum ... Need advice!!

Hello all,
I'm new to the site,so i wanted to introduce myself. I'm nineteen years old, I live in deep south Texas, and am currently seeing a thirty something year old man.I need some help as to where this relationship might be going.
We met about six months ago and have been very casually been seeing each other. I usually go over to his place at night, and we spend a couple of hours together. Sexually, being only in his thirties, he is still very, shall we say, enthused.He is recently divorced,and only his son lives with him. His daughter, along with his ex wife, are in houston and i dont feel the ex is an issue. He seems to really care about me, lends me his car if need be,and lets me stay over if i feel like it. The thing is, hes a very busy man and sometimes I cant tell if he really wants a relationship or if he's still in the date-a-thon phase.My family has a record for dating older men,as my step father is 17 years senior to my mother.There really are no other issues, race age etc dont matter to either of us.Anyways, just trying to shed some light on my story.Anyone with dating advice as far as older men please respond. Ask questions, give advice, whatever. Help, please?

I might think that because he is divorced, he's probably not looking for another serious relationship yet. How long has it been since the divorce was finalized? That right there could speak volumes. And was him being "busy" all the time a reason for the divorce?

I think he cares about you yes, but does he love you? are you in love? Since this is has been casual for quite awhile, is there a reason? Do you know if he's seeing other women too? If that's the case maybe you should date other men, or at least consider it an option if he's dating others b/c it might kick up that lttle bit of jealousy we all tend to have in the pit of our stomachs... and it could make him realize you're not entirely his yet... which could make him want you more... see where I'm going with that? it's no uncommon. However, if that's not the case, and you're just dating eachother casually, what's the harm in having "the talk" but DON'T let him know "you need to talk" bring it up the subject casually in a normal conversation to test the waters, use your judgement on when to slip in a comment about it and see where the discussion goes. Hopefully he's just waiting on you, and you're just waiting on him.

Sweetheart,

Welcome to Ageless Love!

You make your fella sound like a real gentleman, a true Texan. However I picked up on three areas of concern as I read your story:

When you inform us he is recently divorced, it sounds as though he jumped from a marriage (a serious relationship) into a relationship with you, without a good stretch of time to work on himself in between.

You have not worked on unconditional love / open communication. If you had, you would know for sure if he wants a relationship.

Since you are seeing a divorced person, you are dealing with someone who has relationship issues. I assume you have not identified those issues, and he hasn't worked them out.

My advice is to proceed cautiously, don't rush into anything, work on those three areas. Give him the space he needs to work on himself. This may be something he will not be enthusiastic to do, but it would be a rewarding investment in time for both of you if he takes it seriously. The reason you need to give him some "space" is because when a person is involved in a relationship it is difficult to work on personal issues, we all tend to shift our focus onto our partner. It will be in your best interest to give him this space because he cannot love you in a healthy way until he learns to love himself. He should learn to be his own source of happiness and love, instead of putting that on your shoulders. He also needs to get his relationship with his ex-wife straight in his head. Love is something that does not die, so he has this need to adjust his perspective on the past in order to fully embrace the future.

My only other advice is to watch for signs of self-centeredness. If you see too many signs of self-centeredness, this will not be the guy for you.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

with care, George

You make your fella sound like a real gentleman, a true Texan. However I picked up on three areas of concern as I read your story...

When you inform us he is recently divorced, it sounds as though he jumped from a marriage (a serious relationship) into a relationship with you, without a good stretch of time to work on himself in between....


My only other advice is to watch for signs of self-centeredness. If you see too many signs of self-centeredness, this will not be the guy for you.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

with care, George

Thank you so much for the advice.I don't get any advice except from my mom and nobody else I know is attracted to older men.
I have a couple more questions:
How can i tell if he is self centered?
What if hes been divorced for a few years?
How do I casually bring up these doubts I have to him?
THANXABUNCH!

I am also wondering if you go out on dates, or you just hang out at his house? It seems like a relationship already due to his being willing to lend a vehicle, sleeping over, etc....but I would think if he is really interested in a relationship, he would ask you out rather than just hang out at his house.

I do assume he is open about you and himself since you state his son lives at home. Maybe some of the men can clarify if they see the sleepovers (if they are in the absence of any dating), a red flag.

Let us know how things are going. :-)

I am also wondering if you go out on dates, or you just hang out at his house?

Softsong has a point. He may be a busy man, but seems to have the time to meet his physical needs. He may indeed be self-centered, or he may be having trouble resolving his divorce issues. Regardless, the relationship doesn't seem to be headed anywhere until you make it clear to him what it means to you and what your own expectations are. Time to talk to him dear,...and don't pull any punches.

Mike

How can i tell if he is self centered?
He is always concerned about his needs, his feelings, never shows equal concern for your needs or your feelings.

What if hes been divorced for a few years?
Then there is at least a possibility (no guarantee) that he has learned to be his own source for love and happiness; and that he has worked out his past relationship in his mind, hopefully adjusted his perspective & attitude in a healthy way.

How do I casually bring up these doubts I have to him?
You tell him that you have feelings you would like to talk about. Don't put him on the spot, always relate the conversation to yourself and your feelings. You do this by using the "I" word to make statements about what you're feeling. Never use the word "you" which directs the focus of the conversation onto him.

Maybe some of the men can clarify if they see the sleepovers (if they are in the absence of any dating), a red flag.
SoftSong this possibility escaped me when I originally read spider-bite's post. Yes that would be a red flag that he is merely using spider-bite as a party doll, and doesn't respect her as a person. I would hope he is taking her out for meals, to movies, to places they both enjoy, and treating her like a lady. If not, then he's no gentleman.

the old guy

Yes in fact we do go out. The fact of the matter is he spends a lot of time out and about and it seems that no matter what time I go over, there are guests. Personally, I don't feel like he is hiding me or anything, the majority of his friends know me. Even people in his office know me.He seemed to be less apprehensive about the dating than I was. He also has his friends come and get me (as i am currently a starving artist lol) if i cant make it over there. Hes more athletic than I am and I've noticed that he might have barbecues where everyone can meet instead of trying to convince his son to go out and do the things we want to do. Its nice really, because to me I don't feel like I'm sneaking in and out, its more like a comfort zone, where all of us just casually get to know each other. Oh and about the sleepovers: most of the time its not about meeting his physical needs but more about me wanting to not spend the night alone. (I usually ask him if i can spend the night) Not that his physical needs aren't met, thats just not usually why I spend the night. you don't need sleepovers to make love ;)