For those who've gone through a divorce...

This is something that interests me. I always hear people say [for obvious reasons] that they'll "never get married again" or something along those lines after their first marriage dissolves.

What I'm wondering is how long it took you, or the person you are with, to open up to the idea of being in a serious relationship again or even being able to consider/want another marriage. Or have you really stuck with the idea of never getting married again?

I'd like some insight, especially from men, since the guy I'm seeing has been divorced. This was over 12 years ago... he said he tried to date someone since then, ONE person, but it didn't work out and they both knew it from the beginning. I am the first person he has really tried/wanted to be with since his divorce so I'm wondering what might be going on in his head/on his end that I couldn't possible be aware of being I've never been married/divorced and I'm not a man.

Also, there aren't any other issues. As far as I know there is no contact with the ex and he has no children nor a desire to have them [I don't either].
Of course that isn't to say if for some reason down the line he wanted to have them he'd probably be the one person I'd be willing to consider it with!:bgrin2:

I'd just like to do the best I can to know where he is coming from. Obviously there are unique issues with AGRs [ie generational differences] but my guess is it's more easily navigated territory if both people have been married or are closer in age if one of them has been/has children, etc. Or am I being blatantly naive [again!!!?]?

Thanks again for all the answers to my many posts thus far and for any insight to this inquiry as well.

LCB,

I've been divorced twice!

The first divorce was a traumatic experience. It took it's emotional toll, and a large financial toll as well. The financial plans I had made as a young man regarding my retirement, having my home paid for, etc, all went out the window. It's not something I wanted to go through again. Most people I know adopt the attitude with marriage number two that they have to be much more selective & careful, and such was my attitude as well.

The failure rate of second marriages is worse than first marriages. The second divorce was not as traumatic as the first, I was an old pro at divorce, and I didn't have as much to lose financially, I had already lost it all in the first divorce, but the second divorce was still very unpleasant. I ended up on Xanax for a month. Normally its after the second divorce that people start saying they'll never get married again. That has not been my response. My response was to go running to my psychologist to find out what happened. Something I now wish I had done at age 20.

Because many young people will be reading this, I want to point out something that will make some older readers wince. The two people whose marriage ends in divorce BOTH have relationship issues, and possibly have an impaired ability to select a companion (fondly referred to as a broken picker). They would not have married the person they did if they didn't have issues. That is obviously a general statement, and there may be a few exceptions out there. The divorce is a symptom, indicating relationship issues stemming from their childhood. Yes, the marriage and divorce will add a certain amount of baggage to a person emotionally, but its rather small compared the the childhood issues that lie at the root of the problem.

Two questions you need to eventually ask when you are dating a divorced person are (1) what caused the divorce, and (2) what have you done to make sure it doesn't happen again. In general, if their reply to the first question is it was their spouses fault, if their spouse is villainized, and they make themselves out to be a victim, that is a red flag about the size of Kansas. This doesn't mean your divorced companion is not a good person, but it indicates they have not worked on themselves, they are not prepared for another relationship. This also indicates self esteem issues. If your companion's reply to the second question is nothing, or if they insist they don't have any issues, this is another red flag. If a divorced person claims they have no baggage from the marriage, that's really a moot point, the true question is what about the baggage from their childhood.

Even before therapy I realized my divorces (failed marriages) were a result of my bad choices. No one forced me to marry these ladies, and they both had behavioral problems I should have seen as red flags. In both of my marriages I married ladies who had the same emotional issues as my mother. Even though I was much more selective with wife number two, and married a much better quality person (a doctor) she still had the emotional issues of my mother. Having grown up with my mother's issues, I was blind to them being issues, they were normal to me. My sister has the same problem by the way. Therapy opened my eyes to this and many more issues stemming from my childhood, it was quite liberating.

The first 6 months after my second wife left I spent in therapy, I spent another 6 months getting centered and learning to be single again. I have dated off & on for the last two years. I've grown & learned a lot about myself. I feel I'm ready to give marriage another try. I am a little anxious about going down that road, I feel there is a lot to lose if I make yet aother bad choice because I am so close to retirement.

the old guy

Thanks for your post George. This is a very insightful thread thus far and some questions that I ask myself have already been answered.

Even though I'm not a believer in marriage and consider long-term relationships just as important, I have agreed to marry my partner after my 2 divorces and having sworn never to marry again.

He is divorcing his wife from whom he has been seperated for a year after 15 years of marriage and had sworn never to start all over again. I'm divorcing after a seperation of 7 years.

Both of my acts of marriage were for administrative reasons, but the long-term relationships would have ended just the same.

We both do blame our spouces, but we also see where we went wrong and keep telling oursleves and each other that we will not repeat the same mistakes.

We both admit having made the wrong choices and we know that this time we haven't because we do admit our own mistakes and vow not to repeat them.We also admit that our spouces had made the wrong choices and hope that they will find happiness with other people.My 2 ex-husbands did find the right partner. (unfortunately my first husband, who became my best friend and work associate, passed away last year)

We are tolerent toward each other and we do not attempt to shape the other the way we would like them to be. We accept each other as we are and try to find compromises with characteristics that we don't like in the other person.

Peter works very hard and is constantly travelling. Something that his wife used to complain about. What we try to do is to take advantage of the little time that we spend together to make it quality time. We do set up moments just for us, away from work and children.

I tend to be a daydreamer and lack motivation. But now I do my best to be active and show Peter that I've taken a step forward each day.

If this helps the OP, I may also add, take it a day at a time and don't make marriage an aim. It is true that marriage is an ultilmate commitment, but making the most out of each day together is also a great commitment.

This man has expressed his will for commitment by saying that after 12 years of divorce and only one failed relationship, he feels comfortable with you. You have expressed the same commitemnet by considering a child with him. So enjoy your time together and make the best out of it without projecting into tomorrow.

The failure rate of second marriages is worse than first marriages.

George makes a very good point as to why this is the case. From a purely scientific point of view, those who divorced their first wife/husband didn't make a good choice and unless they have done something to remedy their ability to make another choice, then it is likely their next one will fail too.

I'm the YM, and have never been divorced, but I can answer your question from my wifes perspective because I believe I know exactly what that is!

Yesterday she actually said to me "will you love me forever?" (in a cute way!) so I said "well that was the plan when I married you". Her reply to that tells you much of what you need to know about why those that have been divorced would be hesitant to marry again. It was "that was the plan last time".

You see, when you marry you are putting all your hopes and dreams into your relationship. You get a house together, you combine finances, you have children, etc. My wife gave up work to look after their daughter for a number of years. When they got divorced she lost an awful lot and had to start almost from scratch again. That must be a daunting experience to have to go through, so it's not surprising that people wouldn't want to put themselves in a position where it might happen again.

Yesterday she actually said to me "will you love me forever?" (in a cute way!) so I said "well that was the plan when I married you". Her reply to that tells you much of what you need to know about why those that have been divorced would be hesitant to marry again. It was "that was the plan last time".

Im not too sure about the not good choices the first time. For me, we got together very young and we both as we got older eventually grew up and apart. When he realized that I wanted more freedom to make my own choices and be more of an individual instead of the marital unit, he became possessive and controlling. Eventually, the more he tried to hold on the more he lost me, We divorced. He was a good choice for me at that time, unfortunately things change, people grow and love is no longer enough.

I can completely understand Rob's wife's sentiment. I also ask Clint teasingly if he will love me forever, and he always says I wouldnt of asked you to marry me if it wasnt forever.

A part of me always thinks, We'll see.

It's been almost 5 years since I have been divorced, and I am ready to marry again. My exhusband states that he will never marry again and many women have tried to drag him up the altar and when the M word pops up. He breaks the relationship.

There is no set clock on when youre ready to marry again, for some who cant even wait for the ink to dry, it's right away and they drag those issues from one relationship to the next, and for other's its a lifetime of getting over the hurt.

My advice to most people when it comes to marriage the second time around is give it time, marinate in the thought of getting married, allow yourself to soak in it, wallow in it and then that small joy grows larger and the fear diminishes and there has to be some fear otherwise run in the other direction and if someone says they will never marry again, believe them.

Only been married once, never divorced...but went through several bad relationships. It was rough to allow someone in my life again.

From my experiences I offer my opinion. Although I was not married, I had been in two serious relationships in my life. I am 46, although always a student, I am a little experienced.

The first very traumatic and it took almost 12 years to get over. I literally moved across the country to start a new life. Talking about getting married our relationship ended with no reason other than an interest in "another man" (ouch, that hurts).

The other not as much but still took almost three years to get over with a good friendship at the end of the day.

Between those times I thought I had happiness in being single.

I kept very busy in my career and built up a very comfortable life.

I was not interested in dating for the sake of dating. Being in a very public life I am always in social settings globally, so dating really is not an interest.

Sex was not on the mind, out of sight out of mind, so lack of really did not seem to bother me.

I have recently been forced to end a very serious relationship, that was a "true" love in every way and it was ended for no other reason that an edict from Mommy - my YW is 21 and lives in a closed family situation.

Maybe we may get back together, we will see, she has asked me to give her six months to think.

If we do not, I will not contemplate allowing another person to be in a position to hurt me like this again. I will seek solace in my solitude.

It is ironic, the male is thought to be the stronger of the two genders and years of love is traded for a decades of solitude.

I believe that "true" love is an extreme rarity, a spark hits instantly in a way that pits your stomach. Totally in tune in what you think and feel together, a never ending love that grows day by day. You have a balance between independence and dependence on your significant other.

Many people get married as they are in love and a lot end as they grow apart. The divorce can be settling or it can be traumatic. But it is a result of dating, not a result of meeting a true love.

When was the last time you were at a 40 year or 50 year anniversary? That is "true love"

My two cents for what it is worth.

Good luck to all facing a separation and or divorce.

well it's not eazy for lot's of ppl to move forward after divorce,they are left with a wound that well not easly heal, i do know few old ppl like this,one that is in his 50s and hade divorced his wife when he was in his 30s, yat he does not think of geting marreid agian.

It's different for everyone and also depends on the emotional impact of and the circumstances surrounding the divorce. With me, everyone assumed that I wouldn't want to be married again based on the nature of my divorce. (My ex wanted the divorce and I was blind-sided.) However, I knew I would get married again despite the gaping wound that the divorce left me. When I met my OM though, I wanted a serious relationship with him, but was also very leery, mistrustful and afraid of getting hurt. It took time and a lot of reassurance on his part to change this.

With my OM, his divorce was mutual. He was open to both a serious relationship and another marriage.

I would bring this up with the guy you're seeing to know where he's coming from. Communication with my OM has really helped me in dealing with my divorce and fears. Good luck!