Do women really like to date jerks?

Interesting tid-bit on yahoo news...

"SHE SAYS: No, but we think we do. As someone who dated a jerk, whom I now refer to as my "learning experience," I admit to falling under the jerk spell.
Here's how the jerk spell works: we meet the jerk and in some twisted way are seduced by his confidence, charm, and passion. We don't see these as the disguises they are: confidence is really arrogance, charm comes from him being a player, and his passion is being the center of his own universe.

The jerk sniffs out our insecurities and uses them to reel us in with compliments that eventually turn into criticisms.
The jerk sniffs out our insecurities and uses them to reel us in with compliments that eventually turn into criticisms. And if we see a red flag, like the time my "learning experience" told me his definition of a relationship was "light, fun and physical," we play mind games with ourselves. We use our normally rational inner voice to convince ourselves that we can tame him or that with the right kind of girlfriend he will lose his jerk armor and transform into a leading man fit for a romantic comedy. Come on ladies, what are we thinking?!

A jerk loves being a jerk -- way more than he loves us. I guess if they've always gotten away with treating people poorly and nobody ever set them straight, why would they change? Besides, a jerk seems to always have an attractive woman on his arm laughing at his mediocre jokes and ignoring his wandering gaze. How? I think it's because deep down every woman wants a challenge or a little danger. It's not really the jerk we like; it's the thrill of the chase, the rush of adrenaline when the jerk's phone number pops up on our cell (which is usually right after last call).

However, it's been my experience that "jerkdom" isn't some phase we can pull a guy out of. Guys only outgrow that phase when life no longer succumbs to their demands. Any woman who has dated a jerk for more than a week knows that it's a hollow relationship that ultimately leaves you disappointed, hurt, and commiserating with your friends.

The only challenge worth overcoming when dating a jerk is to not let him affect or define your self worth. So if there is a jerk out there making your heart go pitter-pat and estrogen is messing with your reasoning, go ahead and let him woo you, but when he asks for your number tell him that you only date guys who prove their value by respecting a woman. If he's a jerk he'll roll his eyes, say you have an attitude and snicker as he leaves. If he sincerely accepts your ground rules, then chances are you should give him at least one date to prove he's relationship material. Although you may not be spellbound at first, the nice guy without all the smooth answers may ultimately fulfill your needs in more meaningful ways.

HE SAYS: As much as I hate to say it, girls love jerks! At least until the jerk stops calling, which is usually right after he gets what he wants. Speaking from the guy's perspective, I've never quite understood what draws sane, attractive, bright women to guys who act like jerks. Maybe it is the thrill of the unexpected. Maybe it is trying to outplay him in his own game. Maybe it is hoping that deep down he is a nice guy and you are going to prove it to your naysayer friends. What I do know is that too many women who could easily be in a healthy relationship instead choose the cliffhanger ending of dating a jerk that walks with a swagger, winks at anything that moves, and always has a one-liner at the ready.

Truth be told, there aren't many nice guys who haven't considered acting like a jerk, especially when they steal your girl
Truth be told, there aren't many nice guys who haven't considered acting like a jerk, especially when they steal your girl (here I speak from experience). However, daydreaming of jerkdom fades as soon as nice guys remember one thing: being a jerk means acting like a jerk all the time. That means causing the mental pain and emotional anguish that drives a girl to phone her friends -- guy friends included -- crying about what the jerk did to her in public on their first date. Even guys bear the brunt of girls who fall head over heels for jerks.
If you're a girl who feels worse about yourself with every jerk you date, I hope you will make a big move towards respecting yourself and go on a date with a nice guy. They may not offer the drama and constant criticism you've come to expect, but they also won't try to hook up with you after dropping off their other girlfriend. And if you are having trouble distinguishing between a jerk and a nice guy, here are three ways to tell:
He's probably a jerk if he tells you to skip desert because your butt already jiggles enough.
He's definitely a jerk if he "guilts" you into doing things that make you feel bad about yourself -- usually starting with the line "If you really cared about me..."
He's absolutely a jerk if he takes you on a date and leaves you the bill, while he leaves with the waitress."

Personally, I've never dated a jerk (that I can remember). I seriously don't think they were ever attracted to me:) I've thought about that a lot and wondered why they've flocked around other friends of mine throughout my life, but have avoided me like the plague. I think my only explanation is that I have somehow been given the discernment to "sniff" THEM out immediately, and then my posturing/body language around them sends off the vibe :"stay away from me, I'm onto to you and your shallowness" .

I've only ever been attracted to good guys, like YOU, Paul:bgrin2:

LOL sp is right..I had my fair share of jerks trust me goodboys can have a bad side in a GOOD way *WINKY WINKY*

I think everybody has the potential to be a jerk, both male and female. I have had my share of jerks and I have practiced jerkism myself a couple times.

Well, I used to be a super jerk magnet. Now they don't even get past my front door. I've learned to spot them a mile off. I watch people's actions. If they're self-centered & selfish, their actions will probably scream this after awhile. They can charm me & talk my ear off, but if their actions don't echo their words, they're outta there!:cool:
I used to only get jerks, becuz that's what I grew up believing I deserved.

Since I no longer have the self-esteem probs, I will wait forever for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.:yes:

When I was in counseling they told me that I didn't pick jerks, the jerks picked me. I was told that women who are less....what is the word?, I want to use aggressive, but it's more like women who are less self-confident?

The point really is...that women who are sweet and want to help people and tend to be caregivers and put their needs second...tend to attract the jerks. The jerks are attacted to them because they are the people who will put up with their junk.

So, I think it is something we women, when we have gained some experience, outgrow. Go through dating a jerk a couple times, and like was mentioned, you can spot them and be like....Oh no you don't, buddy!

I think we date jerks and like you said women excuse or "hear" thing differently. We fool ourselves into believing what we want to believe so that we can give ourselves permission to date the idiots, usually we know that they have a larger potential to be jerks but honestly we lie to ourselves but WE KNOW that theyre no good and when they show their true colors, there the woman is crying and usually saying "i had a feeling" or " I always suspected that he would..."

Do we like dating them? Depends some might some might like the drama of it all and be addicted to it, some might not know anything else and think that that is what all men are like and some of us myself included learn from the experience and then use it later to make sure we dont end up with a moron like that again and at the first hint of any of those traits in a new relationship run like hell in the other direction.

I remember dating the exbf and when we first started dating he told me " I usually screw things up in a big way in relationships", of course IM hearing and thinking " Oh he's telling me this because he is aware of this and is going to try to NOT make any mistakes"...see what I mean?

He also said " every woman that I have been with, I havent been able to face during a break up, I usually leave a note, leave a message or just leave"

What I thought? " Oh he would never do that to me because he really loves ME."

He straight out told me " I dont like being alone, I need someone there."

What did I hear " he really really needs me"


Well we were seperated he cheated because he was "lonely and drunk" with some hootch that he met in bar. He later told me that he "screwed up in a big way", and he broke the news to me in brace yourself, in an EMAIL.

It wasnt until afterwards, after the hurt and that I was able to take a step back and see, where I went wrong. It wasnt him, because he was a worm and he knew it, I and only I am responsible for allowing things to happen.

Im not big on making excuses, so I learned from it Big Time. The next time a man told me, I screw things up all the time, or People just never understand me...I ran in the other direction.

No jerks allowed at "my" house. And that's why we all like YOU Mano :)

princessdy:o

I just asked your question out loud and as I knew my husband would, he replied "YES!!!"

I wonder if being attracted to jerks may have something to do with testosterone levels.

I dont know about that (testoterone thing), I think some women do see it as a challenge, some women like the bad boy persona and they get off on the "i can tame him thing", some women like to play the victim, Oh why do YOU have to treat me this way, WHY cant he love me," etc etc. Some dont know any better and some like the drama drama drama..they could be in their 60's and still be looking for Mr. As the World Turns. They thrive on that crapola, reminds me of high school and middle school but whatever, everyones different.

I honestly think that everyone has the potential to be a jerk or the women's equivalent the B. Clint has told me that he was a jerk with a few of the ex's because he just never really cared about them and then they got all clingy and he just couldnt get away fast enough, but they clung and wouldnt let go, kept calling, or emailing until he had to be an A hole just so that they would go away.

I understand that, Ive had to do the same thing. With some people if youre nice they wont go away even when you tell them to GO AWAY ITS OVER. You practically have to emotionally stomp on them before they leave you alone. Then of course, YOURE the B or the Jerk, doesnt matter if the other person was a clingy, dependent, stalker who wouldnt leave you alone.

It's hard for me to see Clint as a jerk because he has never been a jerk to me and he has a hard time seeing me as a B because Ive never been a B to him.

So I think, it just all depends, some people can bring out the Jerk in all of us.

Ya know, it sometimes works the other way around with nice men being with jerk women.
I agree, there is a saying in my country "A los hombres hay que tratarlos mal para que te quieran".
Translation: "You have to mistreat men for them to love you".

I do not know if it is true or not. I personally do not think it is feasible long term. Women are more liable to stay in toxic relationships than men. It could be because of financial dependence, because of children, or insecurities but men usually get the heck out of a toxic relationship after a shorter period than women.

I agree, there is a saying in my country "A los hombres hay que tratarlos mal para que te quieran".
Translation: "You have to mistreat men for them to love you".

I do not know if it is true or not. I personally do not think it is feasible long term. Women are more liable to stay in toxic relationships than men. It could be because of financial dependence, because of children, or insecurities but men usually get the heck out of a toxic relationship after a shorter period than women.

My mother says the same thing but I have always interpreted that saying as playing hard to get.

Though come to think of it, most of my Aunts and my mother included are bossy, demanding spoiled women with their husbands and they have all been married for years and years and their husbands are still there...so maybe there is something to that saying.

I guess it's the equivelant of women dont want a wimp or too sensitive a man as a mate, no one likes a whipped guy, maybe some men like fiesty, passionate strong willed women?

I too often I think that mr. nice guy is sometimes confused with mr. Wimp and no one likes Mr. Wimp, while strong willed and alpha male Mr. Nice guy does just fine...(brings to mind the main character from Bridget's Jones Diary)

What did my boyfriend say one time? Oh yes, I was telling him about a guy that one of my friends was dating and said something like "He seemed like such a great guy at first but then he turned out to be a real jerk." My boyfriend laughed and said "Everyone seems great at first. What's he gonna do? Introduce himself and say "Hi, I'm Fred, and I'm a "?

There's a difference between someone who's a real jerk, and someone that seems like a jerk because you don't get along with them.

My boyfriend is a 'nice guy'. (NOT a wimp.) But he can [I]be a jerk at times.


I have this really great cartoon that I NEED to find and scan. In each frame, there is a man and woman, each with a thought balloon over their heads with an image of the other.

Frame 1: Boy and Girl gaze at each other, images reflect exactly what they're looking at.

Frame 2: Boy and Girl gaze at each other. Boy sees a princess. Girl sees a hero.

Frame 3: Girl is pointing at and yelling at Boy. Boy sees a crazy lady with a rolling pin in hand.

Frame 4: Boy is pointing at and yelling at Girl. Girl sees an infant in diapers, having a tantrum.

Frame 5: Boy and Girl have crossed their arms, are back to back, ignoring each other, and fuming.

Frame 6: Boy and Girl gaze at each other, images reflect exactly what they're looking at.


I've dated a few jerks and I've dated some really great guys. I've also dated some guys that seemed great at first, and then turned in to real jerks.

LOL sp is right..I had my fair share of jerks trust me goodboys can have a bad side in a GOOD way *WINKY WINKY*

To gg: We nice guys can be sooo baaadd :) lol :D

Most women have no earthly idea. :)


It is my philosophy as human beings as a whole that, we attract a lot of times the very people we want nothing to do with. Some end up dating them and some end up giving a lot of stone cold shoulders to them (I do that A LOT, I'll be nice but I'll immediately shut their efforts down, since I have charm it's a lot more subtle until they annoy me.).

I always go from my first impression or 98% of the time I do.

If someone rubs me wrong the first time I ever speak to them or meet them I really feel no need to give them a second chance, a second chance is only something I give for people I care about and respect, not some "jerk" who was being an ***

How about a guy who seemed like a jerk at first and then turned out to be a good guy once you knew him? Any ladies ever have that experience?
I know a woman who had that experience. :rolleyes:

How about women who seem like jerks at first, but later turn out to be good once you know them? Any guys ever have that experience? I know a guy who had that experience. :rolleyes

A friend of mine was that way. We were never more than just friends but she turned out pretty cool. She's one of my closest friends.

I never tried to prevent her having BFs. I only tried to get her to stop going with jerks and go with nice guys for her sake and her kids.

Anyway, after 5 years of being her close friend, I had to withdraw from her because she was bad for me. I finally realized that she was bad for me, and I couldn't help her because she was hopeless because she LIKED her crappy life style, despite her complaining about it. I also realized she was using me like her good BF, not as a friend. So goodbye.

I would never consider a man, who does try to prevent that I date other men, my bf. I could be his friend but nothing more. If a man does not want me enough to tell me "Hey, you cannot date anybody else, we are exclusive" I think he is not serious about us.

When we were LDR, my bf did not allow me to have on-line male friends, unless I asked his ok to do so. He even made me give up old on-line friends because after meeting them (on-line) he did not like their attitude towards us. My bf has always been a take-it-or-leave-it kind of guy, and I have always fallen for it. Is he a jerk? Sometimes. I am a jerk too sometimes, so I guess that makes us human.

I like a guy who can be a bad boy. Who will not bow down to my strong and sometimes controlling nature.

We might be having a communication barrier. I don't understand what you're getting at.

I never wanted to date my friend.
I guess I misunderstood. :confused:
Were you not her good BF? So just a male friend? No dates?

To gg: We nice guys can be sooo baaadd :) lol :D

Most women have no earthly idea. :)


It is my philosophy as human beings as a whole that, we attract a lot of times the very people we want nothing to do with. Some end up dating them and some end up giving a lot of stone cold shoulders to them (I do that A LOT, I'll be nice but I'll immediately shut their efforts down, since I have charm it's a lot more subtle until they annoy me.).

LOL:tongue2:

thats so true.. I use to think I had these words on my forhead

ANY CLINGY, STALKER, MAMAS BOY. ABUSIVE JERK
PLEASE COME GET ME BIG BOY

Therapy helped me alot LOL

Kai has had his issues I my but I think you have to have alot in common and COMMUNICATION to make it work to...

Oh and charm *cough*:bgrin2:

Did I miss a post or did sheila's post get deleted?

Anyways about this comment Sheila

When we were LDR, my bf did not allow me to have on-line male friends, unless I asked his ok to do so. He even made me give up old on-line friends because after meeting them (on-line) he did not like their attitude towards us.

That's pretty common, Clint and I went through what I like to call a "clean sweep" of friends that neither of us liked usually of the opposite sex. In fact, I have never met a guy who hasnt wanted me to ditch the male friends who he was getting weird vibes off of.


Ps. I like them assertive too, masculine alpha males are damn sexy. ;)

I picked the guys of my past. No one made me date them. I picked them. My responsibility. I also had no cue what I was doing. I dated good looking men, guys who had money, guys who liked me if even I wasn't sure if I liked them...I was not proactive, I just defaulted into a lot of r'ships. This was my past. I had a special penchant for the "artist" type, collected them like lost puppies. My ego told me I could love 'em back to health, then they'd love me. Whatever! :tongue2:

MY "PICKER" was B R O K E N...

Today I see I was going on delusion. I didn't accept their truth of who they were. I lived in a lot of fantasy, believing that they would change, etc. I did NOT accept them EXACTLY for who they were. Even when they told me. I believed the power of love could change stuff, but I was coming at from the wrong angle.

I didn't see how I didn't value myself first. I didn't see how I was giving myself away so cheaply. I didn't see that I was defaulting, instead of designing.

Great advice people gave me:
Don't date for a while...a long while. The most important r'ship one can have is with oneself, so how it that one going? What does loving myself really mean? Can I love myself, forgive myself, accept myself, have compassion for myself, adore myself...and do the same for another? UNCONDITIONALLY? If the answer is no, then I have no business being in a r'ship or hoping/forcing/trying to convince someone to treat me what way when I can't do that for myself.

I de-mythed a lot of delusion. There is no other half, there is no Knight in Shining Armour, no one "completes me"..the kind of little girl fantasy thinking that is perpetuated in American ideologies via Hollywood-media. We are all human. We pick by design or default and get pissy?? Also, just the practice alone helps us refine what we're looking for, so again, why get pissy?:no: Thank your person for the experience, the lessons and move on.

Therefore, no one is a "loser" or "jerk" when I am picking consciously. Blame is silly and futile. I have a lot of string feelings about this because I have done a ton of work around it.

As a woman, I appreciate the time it takes to get to know someone. First impression are important, early information presented is to be valued...and people try to impress and hide their stuff. Men usually come on very strong at first ( a generalization, but often true), so I know I have to be the one to keep my feet on the ground when they are trying to sweep me off of it!

There have been some men I never ever would have thought I'd get into, but given the time--whew! It was great! There are some I thought were closer to my type, and I did not pick well at all! Isn't that an interesting mirror of who I was and am not so much anymore!

"Good endings make good beginnings" that's for sure. :yes:

Jo, I think the word you may have been looking for is "assertive" ?? I am very assertive and have been all my life, I think. That must be the "vibe" that your counselor talked about that the true jerks of the world pick up on right away in me...and then decide immediately to leave me alone:yes:

Wesley,
My husband, Jake, seemed like the "jerk-type"/ bad boy, blah blah blah....and I avoided anything serious with him at first because of that.
I had NEVER dated (or even been attracted to) guys with tatoos, earrings, a Harley, etc., etc. As a matter of fact, I usually AVOIDED men with that outward persona.

But, very soon I saw that Jake was actually the most adoring, honest and kind man I'd ever been with.

I barely gave him a chance at the beginning, though, because of his outward first impression...but I'm glad I did eventually, and he proved himself! I went really slowly though; took 3 years to be sure he wasn't going to "change" into some narcissistic jerk or something. Now after 4 years together I can absolutely say that it's worth it to give a guy a chance to prove himself. But, the minute you see a red flag, move on....only consistency in great behavior should earn your trust.

Did I miss a post or did sheila's post get deleted?

Ps. I like them assertive too, masculine alpha males are damn sexy. ;)

I did not delete it... :confused:
Anyways, I also like alpha males. MMMMMmmmmMMMM.

Are you so confident that your first impressions always right? No offense intended. We're friends and I like you and respect you, but I'm asking sincerely, isn't it possible that sometimes a person turns out better or worse than we sometimes first think?

Is it possible to misjudge someone in our first impressions? Obviously people often misjudge others as being better than they are, but could the reverse sometimes happen? Could a person turn out to be better than they first seem?



*laugh* Wesley, one of my ex-boyfriends, whom I dated for 5 years...I couldn't STAND him when I first met him. He wasn't a jerk but I thought he was so full of himself, and I thought he was a lot older than he actually was at the time. (He is extremely conservative, very short hair, balding in front, and dresses very conservatively.) We met at a popular country western dance club/bar. He kept asking me to dance and I kept saying no, except every blue moon when I just wanted to dance with someone. And I couldn't stand his dancing style. Finally, he worked in enough conversations with me to finally land on something we had in common: good food and good wine. He said "I'd really like the opportunity to take you out and try to impress you that way", said with a sense of humor. I said yes, and we ended up dating for 5 years.

My current boyfriend...we went on several dates and my handful of "first impressions" were very lukewarm. But, at some point...gee, I think it was our second kiss...the fireworks went off. We've been inseparable since, yes, since the first time we slept together. The pieces of our personalities and our lives all fit together before that but the chemistry was the missing piece. I think that we're both self-protective and guarding ourselves was also guarding the chemistry.

BUT...as Jenny said...if someone is a jerk right off, they don't really get a second chance with me, either. True jerkness shouldn't be ignored.

Heh, similarly, I dated a guy for three years that seemed like the nicest, easy-going guy you ever wanted to meet. He turned out to be a supreme a-hole, control freak, drug addict, liar and cheater. Now that kind of being wrong is just a bummer.

First impressions are judging a book by its cover. There's a lot more below the surface (for better or worse).

NO it's not judging a book by it's cover, its talking to someone giving them a chance and them being an ***. I have no time for games I have time for rude people who are to into themselves or think to highly of themselves. It is such a turn off and that is for anyone I meet for the first time man or woman, possible future boyfriend just a friend I don't care what it is. Anyone who is a jerk is not worth my time or a second chance so they don't get one.