Need ideas to survive LDR

I've ended up in an unexpected very long distance relationship.

We've been together online about a year. We met once in August for a few hours and thought thereafter we'd get to see each other somewhat regularly, every few months perhaps.

Shortly after that he had to go 1/2 way around the world to help with some family things. Originally it was going to be a few months, but that changed and he won't be back now until August. That will be a year between meetings - assuming it happens in August, and that we are able to get on a schedule of being able to see each other every few months then.

The time difference is hard - either I stay up late (get only 4 or 5 hours sleep before work if lucky) or he does - but he can sleep late whereas I cannot. Our conversations are affected by one of us always being tired.

I didn't realize how poorly I'm suited for an LDR. It's been 4 months and I'm almost already to the breaking point; I'm not sure how I can last another 6. But the alternative is being without him completely and I don't want that. But it's... distressing... anguishing.

I've read everything I can absorb on the subject and while there are good ideas some of them just aren't feasible for us for several reasons which I won't get into here. Me keeping busy is not an issue... I've been so busy it's ridiculous. It just seems that my ability to work through this is getting worse and worse every day, and if I'm having such a hard and we're not even 1/2way through I'm unsure how to keep going.

Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated. I kinda don't know what to do at this point.

I know just how you feel. :( The LD part of our relationship just about killed me. It's hard to set boundaries when you want to be in touch as much as possible. When you're long distance, clear communication is much more difficult, and misunderstandings can get magnified. Plus, if you're suffering from sleep loss, that's messing up your emotions, too. Like you, I had the worse end of the time-zone difference, both sleep-wise and work-wise. LDRs are very expensive.

Can you give us some specifics about what things are hardest for you? How many time-zone hours is it? Where are you and where is he? How do you stay in touch - email, IM, webcam, phone, Skype... or all of these?

xo Faith

He is 14 hours ahead of me (literally 1/2 way around the world lol...)

We stay in touch primarily by IM. We do webcam occassionally, but I don't have a cam at work (which is when he's able to be on), and at home where I do have a cam, when it's midnight (when he can be on again) I'm not feeling very attractive to turn on my cam, or I'm needing sleep (I've had quite a few long work weeks lately).

His ability to communicate is limited not by circumstances as much as by choice - and it is a choice which I understand (in a nutshell his parents hate me and there are the things going on which make neither of us want to upset them right now). So in a way the relationship is being downplayed to the point of being hidden - which is why our online time is limited to odd hours (parents asleep or right around lunchtime).

I want to make this work and be able to hang in there, it's just really bothering me, a lot more than I realized it would, and there's a long way to go still before hope of a 2nd meeting.

I should also probably clarify a bit... it's the not being able to see him that is bothering me most.

And it might help to understand, right around Halloween his family did something to me and I have been dealing with a bit of PTSD. I realize it's affecting me and may be magnifying my feelings. Right then he had to leave the country with them ... I don't want to say forced but he wasn't given much choice, and there was also an understandable reason to go.

I also realize that, even though I've been feeling anguished over this for quite some time, I found out yesterday he will be back in the states next week for about a week, but we won't be allowed to see each other. It's not the fact that he will be here or that we won't be able to see each other that is bothering me there as much as having to go through his leaving again - when he left last time it was bad (of course something horrible had just been done hence the PTSD) and I'm concerned that it will cause me to relive those same feelings when he leaves again. A bit of anxiety that they will do something again. But all of that is primarily bringing focus to my issue of not being able to see him and that's my main problem.

I'm so sorry for the anguish you're feeling over this separation. Especially the dread of his leaving again, without even being able to see him. :(

I don't know what to say about the situation with his parents. But be careful not to get drawn into bad-mouthing them to your bf. Even if he says negative things about them - you can sympathethize, but I would be very careful not to add any further negative words of your own.

My advice would be to try to improve the quality of the little communication you do have now. Try not to use IMing too much - it's too light and insubstantial, and there's too much room for misunderstanding. When his parents are asleep, can he talk on the phone without them hearing? The best thing would be to talk by Skype through your computers - it's totally free and the sound is so good, it's like he's right there next to you. I think you need to hear each other's voice often during this long separation - it will make you feel closer together.

Also, try to send him an email message to greet him when he wakes up in his morning, and ask him to do the same for you. When we were LDR, we both looked forward to our daily wake-up emails.

I agree it's not good to webcam when you're looking and feeling tired. But men need visual stimuli - that's especially true for young men. So take some photos instead to include with your email once in a while.

Above all, please take very good care of yourself - for your sake, for his, and for your relationship. Watch that you get enough sleep so that your emotions won't get blown out of proportion.

I hope some other members will chime in here with their LDR wisdom.

tiger I am in the same thing in april it will be one year since we have been physically together..however if the love is strong enough it will survive..write letters..NOT emails I mean REAL letters...write 50 reasons why i love you ones...use perfume so on and so on...send pctures...reminders of places you went ..

that is what we do and he is a day ahead of me EEK

She isn't able to send him real letters, though, because they are keeping this relationship hidden from his parents while he's staying with them.

This link really helped me in my 2 year LDR. (We are finally together). Go to the information for couples section. They have tools to help you get through this. My SO and I completed the questionaires and it really helped us get through a rough spot.

http://www.longdistancerelationships.net/

Blue - correct, no letters, phone call about once a month or so if we're lucky, can't do voice on Yahoo or Skype because they would hear (I could speak to him, but he couldn't speak to me and I'm the one having a tough time with this ...)

Zolie - I had found that site, and completed the questionnaire. And it depressed me so I haven't had him complete it yet. Most of it was questions like "how often do you want to meet" and focusing on how to keep in contact in "person" (meetings, phone, letters etc.) ... which for us isn't a possibility. I am however reading as much info on that and other sites as I can to get as many suggestions as possible.

Grumpys - yeah I'd like to send pictures of places we went together, but it was only one, a mall, for a few hours, and while the memories of our short time there together, meeting for the first time, are sweet ... his mom & 2 of her friends also came along, then drove to my house where my ex was watching my kids and created a nice mess there (almost had to call the police when I got home) then came back and created a huge scene at the mall for about 2 hours (had to call my brother who works for one of those acronym gov't agencies for advice). So unfortunately there are also plenty of negative memories from that day. Every time we think of our one time meeting we also get to think about all of those other things :(

And I don't remember who said for me not to say negative things about his parents - I don't, I don't have to, he already feels and says those things himself because of what they've done to me.

He's on the plane right now, back to the US ... will be here 10 days or maybe more not sure ... and it's already rough. Just yesterday he mentioned that he's not sure if he will be able (i.e. they will let him) come back in August either (to school, they made him apply at schools over there for fall instead so it's already looking like they won't); I'm already not sure I can make it to August so I'm really not sure how I would make it past.

Ok, forget the mall memories. What about the other times you saw each other? And when you weren't seeing each other, how did you stay in touch then?

Since you're mostly limited to email and IM, make the most of it. As I said before, take photos of yourself to send with your emails - it will keep him connected to you and make him miss you. Also, send him mp3s of music to share, and links to YouTube videos you enjoy. Make those emails something he looks forward to. It will keep him connected to you.

Where is he, in what country and culture?

It sounds pretty bleak, but before you despair completely, read all of Dolphin's thread "It's Over" - there's a ray of hope for you, if you follow her story all the way through. Here's the thread:

http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=27519

Faith

Do you mind telling us how old he is? It seems as though his parents have complete control over him. This might be something you want to think about. If he is this controlled and every movement is monitored (telling him where he will go to school, coming to the Mall with her girlfriends when you and he were to meet, and then creating a scene, etc.), I think how "getting through to when you -might- see him again" is the least of your concerns.

I feel absolutely horrible for you and concerned. You have had something happen that caused you PTSD, and you've only spent a couple of "monitored" hours with him? What you've said so far, even though a bit cryptic is rather serious. Have you spoken of a future? What is his plan for becoming independent?

GG and her bf have had some serious issues with his family, but they have had very clear communications between them and, from what I understand, very clear plans. If you haven't spoken of what his plans are, plans for the possibility of the two of you and a future, then you need to, as soon as possible. That way you can make a more informed decision on whether this is something that is in your best interest to pursue.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

Blue - we ONLY have met at the mall, so no other memories of meetings. He already misses me, and we do share photos, music etc. I will read the story in the link you sent, hopefully it has some insights :)

Zuzu - he is almost 21. His parents THINK and seem to want control over his life, but he wants to live his own. His mom actually BROUGHT him to the mall, from another state, from what we can tell to prove that I was a horrible person and liar (hence the trip to my house to confront my ex - this is after they already had me investigated). The mall visit was between two week-long out-of-town trips I had for work, a 2-hour drive to the mall, not having seen my kids, and being on-call so I had to trade out several holidays with other staff just to be able to go see him. As soon as I saw that she brought friends to the mall I knew something was up ... but decided to stay and get the chance to see him anyway. The PTSD was caused by a VERY specific death threat from his family. (Incidentally he is undergoing some PTSD of his own from things they did to me and him last summer). He is currently getting a job to be more independent, and doing what he can to repair the relationship between them as much as possible right now - and help them deal with the fact that he is leaving the nest. With his mother being ill, doing what he can to make that transition easier, and keeping things as calm as possible, is important to him (and to me too).

We speak of our plans for the future often - basically every time we talk. But those plans had included our seeing each other a few more times by now, not having to wait a year between meetings. They made him quit school (to be honest he was having troubles anyway because of the PTSD at the time) and whisked him out of the country right after the death threat, so I wasn't even able to have the story corroborated by him to the authorities who are investigating the incident. They are trying to make him stay overseas now instead of coming back home to the US for school next fall - so I'm hesitant to bank on us seeing each other in August either.

We have discussed my trouble dealing with the separation, and he's willing to do as much as he can to keep us connected. I guess I will hope these couple weeks back in the US - and not being on totally opposite times zones where we're each exhausted when we get to talk - can help a bit.

Thank you everyone so far - even though I don't have many more ideas of how to work through this, just talking about it helps.