he's just not that into me

so the *really* OM i've been casually seeing for 6 months, i think i'm going to end it. not officially end it by telling him, but just stop calling or making any effort. at first he called me, invited me over, then the past few months we only see each other every couple of weeks and it's because i initiate it.

the whole thing is depressing on top of other issues i'm dealing with in my life.

neither of us were looking for anything serious, but lately i've realized that i'm the one wanting to see him--and not feeling wanted in return is a really crappy feeling. and it's not like i ask to go over every day or ask for anything more in the relationship department--yet he's kept reminding me nonetheless about our "non-relationship" like i'm retarded and didn't get it the first time we talked about it. i want to scream "is there anything LESS i could be doing?!" since quite frankly, we don't do much. i feel as though i get mixed messages from him too--i thought i was avoiding that crap by dating an OM in the first place, but oh hey--guess not!!

so today i read the abbreviated version of "He's Just Not That Into You" and realized I need to move on. it sucks because we work for the same company and i consider him a friend---but even friends with benefits should show interest in each other, right?

so, if there are any suggestions as to how to get past this and still be civil to him, that would be great. i don't expect i will be angry for too long...i'm sure time will be the biggest thing in my favor and i don't hate him or anything, i'm just disapointed.

Adelade,

It's very early morning in Oz! Are you another night owl?

We all have our own lives, our own internal dramas, we each have our own needs that we want satisfied. Whatever is going on in this fellas head, it is no reflection on you as a person, it is a reflection of what's going on with him. It can be hard to do, but try not to take his behavior personally. It's a shame he wasn't gracious enough to at least make you feel good about yourself, to acknowledge your needs. You deserve love, and friendship, and respect and kindness as much as any of us.

Big cyber hug, kiss on cheek.

George

neither of us were looking for anything serious, but lately i've realized that i'm the one wanting to see him--and not feeling wanted in return is a really crappy feeling.

Hi Adeladeb,
Guess I'm curious as to what he's said about this. Have you talked to him about the lack of attention?

Mike

in response to all three of you very kind gentlemen, i've been hesitant to talk to the OM about his apparent lack of interest. we've had an agreement that this would be casual, and basically open, unless one of us started being intimate with someone else. and that's been ok with me; i'm not looking for anything super serious, i'm very focused on my job, and bettering myself, rather than looking to settle down.

he keeps bringing up our agreement over and over, despite the fact that i do not hassle him to see him more than every couple of weeks. (we do talk on the phone once or twice a week) i'm actually afraid to address his apparent lack of interest because i'm sure he'd just turn around and say "we don't have a committment" and somehow assume that i want more--and ultimately drive him away. what little time i spend with him, i do enjoy.

i can't force the guy to call me, if he were still attracted to me, wouldn't he initiate seeing me or just calling me for the heck of it? i think it would be better for my ego to let it fizzle then be rejected--we all know how much that sucks.

so, i don't know what you guys suggest?

he keeps bringing up our agreement over and over, despite the fact that i do not hassle him to see him more than every couple of weeks.

I gotta tell you, I'm kind of in agreement with Wesley on this Adeladeb. If he keeps bringing this up, my bet is he's got the impression that you're looking for more. Actually,...it sounds like that to me also. Just what are you looking for here?

Mike

Will someone explain something to me? When you have a casual dating relationship like is being spoken of here... and someone is telling you 'no commitment now...' and there is no calling back and forth each day, are you all having sex with these every other week dates? Maybe I'm naive or expect too much from the people I call my friends.

I don't know how relationships like that is even friendly.

well wesley/mike, i think i'm just going to wait and see if he calls me. if a few weeks from now i get the urge to see him, i'll call him. i'd rather not bring it up and push him away.

i am sincere in saying that i don't want anything serious, the only point i was trying to make was that it sucked not feeling wanted, and him not calling has been giving me that feeling. every friend i have talked to this about has said that even people seeing each other casually call each other and express interest or flirtations here and there. i'm sure anyone reading this is assuming that i want more...jesus, is appreciating a call every FEW WEEKS looking for a hell of a lot? um, no, i don't think so.

otherwise, i do plan on going to a party this weekend and meeting up with a guy i met at a party last weekend. talking to someone new will be nice.

and as an addition to this situation, a few weeks ago i asked the OM about another guy from work with who was chatting me up at a bar.

the OM said the guy dressed like crap, was a racist, had baggage, smelled bad, etc.---pretty much saying this other guy was unworthy.

THEN the OM starts asking me if i like people like that---dress poorly, etc. Which of course I said NOOOO. I felt like I was on the defensive because somehow the conversation rolled into him telling me that I was somehow less-attractive to him because I asked about a guy he disapproved of!! Then reminind me of our casual status.

Ok guys, WTF?! If everything is so f-ing casual, why would he get so bent out of shape about me inquring about another person's history?? Hmmmm.

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say MIXED MESSAGE: "this other guy sucks/ you would suck if you dated him/ oh and by the way we have no committement."

It seems as your relationship was one-sided and even if it is a casual arrangement, that doesn't mean you should do all the work, get criticized for it and "reminded" (how condescending!) about your relationship status. Your OM doesn't know what he wants and your needs aren't being met. In almost any other situation, I would talk to the guy and make my needs known, but I would do exactly as what you plan to do --- that is, not make any effort. Doesn't seem worth it to me.

You don't need to put up with this crap. Move on, you're young and there are plenty of men who will treat you much better.

... otherwise, i do plan on going to a party this weekend and meeting up with a guy i met at a party last weekend. talking to someone new will be nice ...

I like your spunk sweetheart!

... You don't need to put up with this crap. Move on, you're young and there are plenty of men who will treat you much better ...


Welcome to Ageless Love H-Sauce. I like your attitude. Call it spunk, call it assertiveness, call it defiance. Call it healthy self-esteem. It is a great survival tool.

take care, George

i'm sure anyone reading this is assuming that i want more...jesus, is appreciating a call every FEW WEEKS looking for a hell of a lot? um, no, i don't think so.

otherwise, i do plan on going to a party this weekend and meeting up with a guy i met at a party last weekend. talking to someone new will be nice.

I didn't assume you wanted more, I assumed you deserve more... even if he was only a friend, and not a prospective mate. Friends are friends because they are interested, not because they tell you straight up how often they DON'T want to see you, and how encouraged they DON'T want you to feel.

Friendships are not negotiated, and casual dates are not negotiated. They either flow and persist, or they go away. LTR are negotiated... and usually with all kinds of mutual interest and effort to make it better and more enjoyable all the time.

good points everyone---from here on out i am going to play it cool. that's usually my motto about guys anyway. i just have a lot of other stuff on my mind the last few weeks.

thanks, as usual, for all the support :bgrin2:

IFriendships are not negotiated, and casual dates are not negotiated. They either flow and persist, or they go away. LTR are negotiated... and usually with all kinds of mutual interest and effort to make it better and more enjoyable all the time.

This is true and this is the reason I feel that every relationship that a woman has with a man needs to be negotiated from the beginning because you never know where it's going to lead.

A lot of women feel that things can get serious when they start out casual. With a man, I think it's very difficult, especially if sex is introduced before anything is discussed in terms of the future of the relationship.

So next time, don't get strung along by a guy who seems to be doing all the right things at the right time. Make sure you know what he is after. Unfortunately, quite often, it IS not a long-term, serious, committed relationship.

Welcome to Ageless Love H-Sauce. I like your attitude. Call it spunk, call it assertiveness, call it defiance. Call it healthy self-esteem. It is a great survival tool.

take care, George

Thanks, George! Life is too short and if something or someone is making you miserable, stop doing it or tell that person to hit the road. Of course not everything in life is black and white, but you get the idea. :cool:

I don't usually come to this side of the board, but this post struck a cord with me. Why? Because I have girlfriends who initiate contact more often than this guy. Whether you are friends with benefits, or just good friends, I think you are correct. He's just not that into it and it does feel terrible to be on the giving end of any relationship and not get reciprocation that is mutually satisfying. Friends enjoy each others company and make an effort to see one another. So my question would be, why continue putting up with this? I think in your shoes, I would do exactly as you are planning. I'd ignore him and be thinking hard about what I would say to him when he calls you up in a few weeks and decides he wants you for a day in an intimate way. I don't think this was the arrangement you figured it would be. I would probably be glib and say "Well, 'non-friends' really don't need to get together at all...goodbye!."

thanks for everyone's input.

i am not pleased to report that i called him last night---not because i wanted to see him, but because it was late and i was on the road and tired and i wanted someone to talk to.

why is this so hard? i know why, because i hate playing games and i feel like i'm playing a game by not calling when i feel the urge to. when i have the urge to contact other friends, i just go ahead and do it. i can't force the guy to call me.

eh, i don't know, why does everything in relationships, no matter how casual or serious, seem to be a power-struggle or game?