Long and interesting story...need advise

Hi everyone,

This is my first post and I must say that I enjoy reading the posts in this forum.

I have a bit of a problem with my prof. who is 27 years older than me (I am 25). He is not exactly my prof. because I only took his classes in the summer and this was in another country. So there is no moral problem involved with professor/student relationship because I am not really his student and the laws in the European country where I take the summer classes are not the same as American laws regarding romantic relationships b/w profs. and students.

To make a long story short, I first took his class in 2004. The second I met him, something clicked. He sensed this and I believe something must have clicked for him as well. In the middle of class (with only four students in it!) he excused himself, went into the bathroom, and came back, set on his chair with his shirt unbottoned down to his naval, and resumed teaching! I looked at his chest and then he bottoned his shirt again. A little later, as we were leaving class, he looked at me up and down and made sure I saw him doing it.

Anyway, I only saw him a total of four times in the summer of 2004. I returned in the summer of 2005 to take his class again (ongoing summer courses) and he started flirting with me and I flirted back. This time I saw him for a total of, maybe, 8 days.

In summer 2006, I decided to stay for the whole month and a half and take his entire course. This was the time where things started to get really interesting. On the day I arrived and saw him again (after one year) he said hi to me and his whole body shook! After this, for the next month, he would sigh and moan everytime he passed by me and could not sit next to me because he'd get aroused. It was a biot embarassing because he had to go to the bathroom and finish himself off everytime he'd sit next to me (and no, I am not exaggerating!) At first, I though he was doing it on purpose in order to get me to sleep with him, but then I noticed that he was really emotionally bothered. He told me he couldn't sleep or eat. I didn't know what to do since this was all so sudden and I have never been in love before until I met him. I verbally told him I really liked me and he kissed me on the neck and shoulders, but silly me did not return the kiss. I totally froze for some reason!!!

In summer, 2007, I took his class again, but he told me he would rather not have me come. I went anyway and he couldn't look me in the eye at all but was still visibly aroused every time he sat next to me. He mentioned the word marriage a few times (he's never been married or had children) and the fact that young men are immature. When I told him I like him, he said that it makes sense because I need an older, more mature man. However, he would not initiate anything with me this time.

My problem is that I have sent him about 6-7 SMSs in the last year and he hasn't replied to any of them. I do tell him that I miss him and that he is wonderful in the SMSs. Why the silence? Is he scared? Does he not believe that I love him. I have overheard a relative of his saying to his friend that there's a big problem - he is afraid of the age difference. However, if he was afraid of the age difference, why so many mentions of marriage? He has even mentioned that he owns three houses to me.

Now a little about him: he is in his early 50s, very successful and well known in his field, a workaholic, never married/never had children. As far as people who've known him a long time have told me, he is not in any relationship. However, I have heard from a few male students of his that he is gay or bisexual. I don't know how they came up with this since no one knows much about his private life. Perhaps it is just a rumor. I had a talk with him about gay people and he seemed totally cool in our discussion (i.e., not homophobic or anything unusual).

So, what should I do the next time I see him which will be in about two months? I will be moving to his city for a year in 2009 so will be seeing much more of him. Should I just grab him and kiss him? Should I flat out tell him how crazy I am about him? I am afraid that this will scare him and he will run.

Ok, I think I've gained some perspective since my situation.

You need to talk to him about your feelings. Be honest about how you feel and find out what he feels for you.

It sounds hard and it was for me, but for almost a year I went through this thing with a guy (he was 30 years older) and he sent me every sign he liked me, and when after actually kissing him on 2 occasions (or should I say HE kissed me) and all the flirting etc I FINALLY wrote him a letter to get everything out in the open. He finally called me and we briefly talked about what was going on... apparently I had been completely mistaken about the signs I was getting etc. You can read my story if you want to. But basically, I can stop obsessing over every thing he does... I felt stupid for misinterpretting things the way I had but to finally have the air clear and not have to worry about it anymore has been a huge relief to me.

It's best to know hun, as hard as it is to talk about things like that... better know sooner than later before you're anymore involved just in case there's more to the story you don't know.

Best of luck!

Ok, I think I've gained some perspective since my situation.

You need to talk to him about your feelings. Be honest about how you feel and find out what he feels for you.

Well, I have some idea how he feels for me. Everytime I tell him how great he is and how I adore him, he mumbles "me too".


It sounds hard and it was for me, but for almost a year I went through this thing with a guy (he was 30 years older) and he sent me every sign he liked me, and when after actually kissing him on 2 occasions (or should I say HE kissed me) and all the flirting etc I FINALLY wrote him a letter to get everything out in the open. He finally called me and we briefly talked about what was going on... apparently I had been completely mistaken about the signs I was getting etc. You can read my story if you want to. But basically, I can stop obsessing over every thing he does... I felt stupid for misinterpretting things the way I had but to finally have the air clear and not have to worry about it anymore has been a huge relief to me.

Ummm, it is not exactly hard for me to tell that this guy likes me. I mean, I even have a photo of me and him where he is visibly aroused! After all I've described above, it is clear that this guy has fallen hard for me. The question is, is he not doing anything about it because his feelings scare him or perhaps he doesn't have much experience with relationships?

I think that writing a letter is not a good idea. It makes things very formal and might scare him away further.

Well maybe next time you say something about how great he is, and he mumbles the "me too" line at you, you could simply ask him why he hasn't done anything about it? I don't know what to tell you, you have seen him sporadically throughout a couple of years lots of things I'm sure have happened to both of you during those times away from class. Maybe get a phone number for him or something and try to ask him to go out sometime. If you're sure he likes you, then obviously it does sound like he is afraid of the age gap and maybe the student/teacher relationship too and if he continues to act interested but not follow through... you might need to take the initiative and make a move on him.

I wasn't suggesting you write a letter, but that worked best for me b/c of the close relationship I already had with my OM and the fact that I would see him every couple of days... so it was awkward for me to try to talk about that when I had to see him again a couple days later, that and it's always been easier for me to write my feelings out than to actually say them... I think faster than I talk and moreso when I'm nervous so things don't always come out how I'd like.

Whatever medium works for you... if it's easier to talk in person/ on the phone, on SMSs (not sure what that stands for) then go for it. You might know how you feel and might have a good indication of how he feels but unless you talk openly about it, it's not likely to go any further than it has.

Maybe get a phone number for him or something and try to ask him to go out sometime.

We have gone out a few times and it was great. We can talk to each other for ages. However, when I mention to him that he is great, I admire him lots, etc., he blushes, his body shakes, and he get aroused and has to finish himself off in the bathroom! This must be embarassing for him. I've actually hugged him in the past and felt his erection. People don't believe me when I tell them that he literally trembles with desire.

He clearly has a problem with the age gap and is afraid to take the next step, perhaps because his family won't approve, who knows. He has already met my parents in a social context and they were very nice to him and all (I haven't told my parents I have feelings for him, but I'm sure they can pretty much infer). What is weird for me is why all these mentions of marriage and young men being immature. This has been this past year and I have a feeling that serious things are going through his head......otherwise what man would mention marriage and property if he wasn't at least considering you as a partner?

We have gone out a few times and it was great. We can talk to each other for ages. However, when I mention to him that he is great, I admire him lots, etc., he blushes, his body shakes, and he get aroused and has to finish himself off in the bathroom!
What is weird for me is why all these mentions of marriage and young men being immature. This has been this past year and I have a feeling that serious things are going through his head......otherwise what man would mention marriage and property if he wasn't at least considering you as a partner?

Hi Genie,

I don't think that what you have here is an age gap issue, so much as a guy with a severe lack of experience with women. Correct me if I'm wrong but your man is 50, no children, never been married, no current girl friend. Successful in his work and seems to be doing well financially, he sounds as if he's either never made time for women, or they have scared him off (for whatever reason). My bet is, at this age he had resigned himself to his current life,.......and then you showed up. He's feeling things he hasn't felt in a while (maybe never before), and he sounds as if he's still scared.
I'm with GEL (I'm ALWAYS with GEL!), one way or another you should talk to him and the sooner the better. Good luck kiddo.

Mike
P.S. And at the risk of sounding crass, if this relationship is going to mean anything, it won't have anything to do with erections, in the classroom or anywhere else.

Hi Genie,

I don't think that what you have here is an age gap issue, so much as a guy with a severe lack of experience with women. Correct me if I'm wrong but your man is 50, no children, never been married, no current girl friend.

Yes, that's correct. And I've heard from his students that he does not have a sex life. I mean, if he had a girlfriend or whatever, his associates, friends, and students who have known him for over 15 years would have known about her.

I think he might be intimidated by attractive women. He is always surrounded by women, but the ones who are close to him are all fat and ugly and look like stereotypical "mother" figures. I have long wondered whether he was gay or not, but his female students tell me he is not and his response to me isn't gay in the least.


Successful in his work and seems to be doing well financially, he sounds as if he's either never made time for women, or they have scared him off (for whatever reason).

He's told me that he had a very strict mother. And he is a workaholic and very well known in his profession (he wrote several books).


My bet is, at this age he had resigned himself to his current life,.......and then you showed up. He's feeling things he hasn't felt in a while (maybe never before), and he sounds as if he's still scared.

I was scared in the beginning too because my attraction to him was so strong that I literally wanted to throw up everytime I sat naxt to him (nerves!) Butterflies in the stomach takes:) a new meaning here.:) I've never felt anything like it before. That's why I let this go on so long.......because I don't think I will ever get that intense reaction with anyone else.


Mike
P.S. And at the risk of sounding crass, if this relationship is going to mean anything, it won't have anything to do with erections, in the classroom or anywhere else.

LOL. Well, erections might be a small part of it, Mike.:bgrin2: Anyway, I agree with you. You have no idea what a rollercoaster this has been. I mean, this guy is just really weird and hard to figure out. I am leaniong towards what you said above.......that he is not very experienced with women for whatever reason and this whole thing scares him.