Severly Stressed

Hi everybody,its been a while. I have been spending the time running. I even ran from Ageless Love because I knew I would gain advice that I know I should take. Everything is going downhill right about now. I told my OM i needed a break to just set me apart and think about if i was actually ready to consider alienating my family to be with him. When I ran I made a friend online and now my OM can't deal with that.
I love my OM. I honestly believe that we share a beautiful relationship. But there are so many stresses that come with that relationship and that makes me think maybe I am not strong enough. My parents will never accept it. I do want my parents to be part of my future. If I continue to live in the country I do, it will have to be under my parents rules, even though I am 21. This is how it is in my family.
I have my final semester of exams coming in April, before I graduate with my degree in Social Work. Lately I have been feeling depressed and having many issues regarding what I want for myself, and still wanting that and not hurting anyone. It just feels like nothing is going my way and sometimes I wish that I would just swim with the tide, rather than always fighting the cuurents.

Can you take some time for YOU? I don't mean necessarily "running away" but... do something you enjoy, that relaxes you. Something to de-stress a bit and just let your mind be at peace a while, even if it's only 30 minutes.

HB17,

You have one life, one chance, don't squander it away, enjoy it. Do at least one thing everyday that you enjoy.

If you want to stand at the end of your life having as few regrets as possible, there is only one way to achieve that. Live the life you want to live. Live for yourself. Do not live your live to please somebody else. They have their own lives, why should they want yours as well.

People who love you, TRULY LOVE YOU, will rejoice that you are living your plans and dreams. People who are disappointed that you are not living your life to please them are messed up (that's the nice way to say what I'm feeling).

I fully understand that you have been raised to think differently. But I know you are intelligent enough to recognize the truth in my statements. The only question is, are you brave enough to step out and take control of your own destiny. If you find the courage and make that step, you will find new depths of courage you never knew you had, you'll find new sides to your personality you were never free to explore. It will be empowering, almost intoxicating, you will never want to look back.

As far as stress goes, at times like these I generally turn to ice cream! :)

with care, George

It is one thing to need time to sort out your feelings, but it's another to be involved with another man. Would you be ok with this decision if the shoe were on the other foot? Treat people the way you would like them to treat you! You are making a mistake if you think getting involved with another man will make things clearer, it will only muddy the water. However, if you think the relationship with your om is not what you want, then by all means move on. You have every right to make that decision, but it's unfair to ask him to stick around.

Cut all ties with your om and move on with your life. You are young and you are not sure that you want to be in a serious relationship and that's fine, but end one relationship properly before embarking on another one.


All the best!

Thank you for the replies. They made me feel just a lil bit better, especially you Geo. Goodchild, on my post anywhere do you see me refer to that other person as anything other than "friends"? That is because that is what we are. He is a person that I share lighthearted jokes with. I think that can be a good description of friends. My OM knows how I feel about fidelity issues, however the fact that I feel like I am no longer myself may be causing him concerns that are not usual.

I am really very stressed right now. Its made worse by the fact that even though I have a twin sis I share a room with at uni, she doesnt understand, worse yet she does not approve. So I keep all these things to myself and inside it does more damage.:mad:

You say you made a friend on-line and he can't deal with that, while he says you told him you've been flirting with a guy on-line and you think you have feelings for him. I read both your stories and I concluded that you are being unfair to him. You ask for space yet you are flirting with another man. You could have made a female friend who could help you sort out your issues. Unless your OM is extremely jealous and he has a problem with the guy and you didn't tell him that you are flirting then I take back my posts, otherwise my thoughts remain the same.

I'm all for you taking time to decide what's best because contrary to what you believe I do understand your situation. It is unfair however to ask him to wait while you sow your wild oats so to speak! As I said you have a right to choose who you spend your life with but simply treat people as you would have them treat you. Have you tried to walk in your om's shoes? Would you be ok if he said he wanted a break to clear his head then he begins to flirt with another woman? Would you wait on him considering everything that's happened? See it's not as cut and dried for him either!



PS. Forgive me for my frankness but I also find it a bit strange that you are so torn up about your situation but you have the head space to think about what turns you off or on sexually! This to me is a bit disturbing and I wonder how torn could you be. I guess people deal with stress differently, but you aren't as sheltered as you'd like us to believe.

PS. Forgive me for my frankness but I also find it a bit strange that you are so torn up about your situation but you have the head space to think about what turns you off or on sexually! This to me is a bit disturbing and I wonder how torn could you be. I guess people deal with stress differently, but you aren't as sheltered as you'd like us to believe.


People do deal with stress differently and like I said goodchild it want meant as attacking you so please don't get defensive. As a final year Social Work student I have been taught how to destress, how to focus on other issues to help. It's like working in a hospital for cancer patients. I cannot go in everyday as a Social Worker and cry at their plight. No that weakens them because they may think that you have given up hope, so you have to learn how to detach yourself a little. I can do that. Lol...I wont bother to explain how I grew up, but in my mind it was sheltered. People's perceptions differ based on their experiences.

P.S. I do not want to sow wild oats. I love my OM and I already explained to him about the other guy. Enlightenment helps, when you ask questions in the right way. There are many reasons I love my OM and one of them is that he understands why and how I tick. He respects me no matter what decisions I make. He is very possessive and he would agree to that statement about him. My need for space is linked to a reply that I made to his post. I know I want to be with this man. But I also want to be able to consider all the avenues in case there is one in which my parents will approve and I can still be with him. I do not want to forsake both. Eventually i will have to decide between the two. And it is not an easy choice.

I had a similar situation a while back. Of course every family has a different dynamic but in my case things were looking like my parents would "disown" me and I would lose all relationship with them if I were to continue seeing my OM. But I also loved him and we wanted to continue our relationship and eventually get married. It was very difficult and there were many times I felt like giving up but we stuck together and whenever my parents would renew their objections or try to "talk me out of it" I would calmly and respectfully listen to them, and on an adult level disagree when necessary. Once they realized that I wasn't going to change my mind they started to lighten up a little bit and at least entertain the idea of getting to know my OM. However they didn't give any serious effort to meeting or getting to know him until we got engaged. They have tried a few times since then to get me to change my mind but now they know it is inevitable and they can't deny how happy I am.

You can't make all your decisions based on your parents. You have to come to terms in your own heart what you want out of life, and if that is to be with your OM then go for it. Take is slow if you need to so your parents have time to get used to the idea. Hopefully they will come around after a time when they see that you are sure about the relationship, that you are happy, and that you are going to do it anyway. My parents finally came to the conclusion that they would rather still have a relationship with me than none at all and have gone from saying they never wanted to see or hear about my OM to saying they would come to our wedding and they hoped, for my sake, that we would have a good relationship/marriage.

Right now for you it looks like you must decide an either/or between your parents and your OM. But perhaps that is not truly the case. Maybe you could kindly but firmly tell your parents that you love them and want to maintain a relationship with them but that you also love your OM and want to have a life with him too. Leave it in their court whether they will also behave like adults and be reasonable. You don't have to play the mind games, if they try just listen. Listening without agreeing is a great way to smooth things out so your parents feel like they are being hear and their points are being given the consideration they are due. But ultimately it is your life and your happiness at stake here. Don't give up on your OM just because of pressure from your parents, you are not a child anymore and as an adult you are entitled to make your own decisions and have your own life.

P.S. I do not want to sow wild oats. I love my OM and I already explained to him about the other guy. Enlightenment helps, when you ask questions in the right way. There are many reasons I love my OM and one of them is that he understands why and how I tick. He respects me no matter what decisions I make. He is very possessive and he would agree to that statement about him. My need for space is linked to a reply that I made to his post. I know I want to be with this man. But I also want to be able to consider all the avenues in case there is one in which my parents will approve and I can still be with him. I do not want to forsake both. Eventually i will have to decide between the two. And it is not an easy choice.

People do deal with stress differently and like I said goodchild it want meant as attacking you so please don't get defensive. As a final year Social Work student I have been taught how to destress, how to focus on other issues to help. It's like working in a hospital for cancer patients. I cannot go in everyday as a Social Worker and cry at their plight. No that weakens them because they may think that you have given up hope, so you have to learn how to detach yourself a little. I can do that. Lol...I wont bother to explain how I grew up, but in my mind it was sheltered. People's perceptions differ based on their experiences.

I responded in kind because you singled me out in your post. Anyway, I will leave you and your om to sort out your issues because obviously you are not on the same page regarding some issues. As George said in your om's thread, it is not our job to determine who is telling the truth with regards to this on-line 'friend'. I responded to both your posts based on the information presented.

See I see this differently. As soon as you said you were from Trinidad, I knew that this goes a bit deeper than even Hispanics can understand. I have alot of Trinidadian friends and have seen their life as a bit more set in family traditions then even my family. I respect it because in some ways our cultures are the same but in many ways they are not.

I can understand your precaution and I don't think many understand how much your happiness is just as linked to your family and community, not even we Latinos. Its something most westerners don't understand with our disposal mantra of seeing love as all about us. To hell with society I can understand, just not family.

If you need those 6 months, Hunny, go ahead and take them. This man is absolutely sure of you and if he truly feels that connection to you, well you know what, he will wait, but YOU need to be absolutely sure of him. At 21 there is so much of life to live (and you're finding that out if you're chatting with another guy) and if this is the first time you are away from your family and on your own, then now is the time to find your own spirit, not just as a part of your family but as to what kind of woman you looking to be on a whole with this man, your family, your community and eventually when you marry and have kids.

Do this now before you further involve anyone to assimiliate within your inner circle and then you reach 25/26 and realize that you are stuck in a relationship with someone older/same age and you don't see yourself moving backwards or forwards. He's not the anchor to your happiness, you are, he may add on to that happiness, but in the end...you control your happiness believe me, a man doesn't always and neither does love.

But when it does and if that is within your family and community and with a man your love, than you've come full circle and "your cup runneth over". you sound confident, and intelligent and I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself...so take all the time you need, eventually when you marry and settle down, you will be glad you did, and so will your man.

Paris

See I see this differently. As soon as you said you were from Trinidad, I knew that this goes a bit deeper than even Hispanics can understand. I have alot of Trinidadian friends and have seen their life as a bit more set in family traditions then even my family. I respect it because in some ways our cultures are the same but in many ways they are not.

I can understand your precaution and I don't think many understand how much your happiness is just as linked to your family and community, not even we Latinos. Its something most westerners don't understand with our disposal mantra of seeing love as all about us. To hell with society I can understand, just not family.


Paris

I went through the other posts with a feeling that no one really was able to understand my cultural view point and then I came to your post. Thank you, it means a lot to me that you have some understanding and can empathise. My OM doesn't really understand the cultural restraints even though I have tried my best to explain it. The ties in family here are so deep, not easily broken, but when they are they are usually not easily repaired. My grandfather never talked to his sister again because she married an Afro-Trinidadian. The race relations here are also very binding due to mostly historical reasons, brought on by a plantation society and then indian indentureship. Trinidadians stick to what they know, what society at large expects. I have always tried my best to think outside of the box, because I have always wanted to be different and to make a difference.
I feel now as though I am in such a precarious position. I love my family so much. I love my OM so much. The two cannot be compared or measured. I want them both in my life. Is that having my cake and eating it too? I intend on leaving here, but leaving knowing that I will be with my OM. My mum thinks we are no longer seeing each other, but we are together. What will we do when she finds out that we are together there? Yes my OM will support me through it all, but can he really feel my heartbreak if she walks away?
I will and I can.

If you are going to seek advice from Americans what you have to understand about Americans is that we are a nation of immigrants. Its not that nobody here understands your situation, its that nobody here fears the decision you are deliberating.

My ancestors came to America in 1750, from Iggelheim Germany. My ancestors became citizens of the new world, they chose to longer have ties to Germany so they changed the family name of Benz to a new name that no longer sounded German. My great, great, great, great, great Grandfather, Georg Benz, boarded a ship called the Phoenix at age 50 with two of his sons, and sailed for the new world. He left behind his wife and 4 other sons, his home, his family, everythng he knew and loved. He was never heard of again. It is assumed he died aboard ship, or while in the service of the company to which he was indentured. His two sons however established a new life in Virginia, married and had children. I would not be here today if Georg Benz had not made that sacrifice.

If you think Americans don't understand your situation, you are wrong. It is you who doesn't understand Americans. WE hold most valuable the fact that nobody tells us how to live our lives, and nobody is oppressing us, the things our ancestors fled their various countries to escape.

I believe deep down inside your heart you dream of a new life outside of Trinidad with your man. You have an immigrants heart. You can make a new life for yourself somewhere else, establish a family, have friends and children, eventually grandchildren, and great grandchildren. At the end of your days you will look back on your life and have few regrets. But you have to cut those strings and take that first step, this is what I have continued to tell you since my first response. Instead of looking back at what you are leaving behind, look forward towards the life you are journeying to.

If I am right, then do something smart, and stop corresponding with your on-line friend, show your OM that your are as singleminded about him, as he is about you.

the old guy

One of my good friends is from Trinidad (they moved here when she was little). She's 28 and still lives with her parents.

Having a tight family unit is a great explanation for having your family's opinions affect your decisions to end a relationship... but they do not, in my opinion, give anyone the right to emotionally dangle someone on a string, keeping them "just in case". The worst thing you can do to someone you love is string them along. No one, sheltered or not, has the right to treat someone like that.

Part of being an adult is realizing that in order to have someone special in your life in a romantic relationship, it means cutting out everyone else. This does not change simply because someone is from a different culture, or because someone is "only 21".

but they do not, in my opinion, give anyone the right to emotionally dangle someone on a string, keeping them "just in case". The worst thing you can do to someone you love is string them along. No one, sheltered or not, has the right to treat someone like that.

Part of being an adult is realizing that in order to have someone special in your life in a romantic relationship, it means cutting out everyone else. This does not change simply because someone is from a different culture, or because someone is "only 21".

I completely agree with you. I have been on this string once in my life and it is not a good feeling. I love my OM and if it's thought that I am dangling him on a string when all I am asking for thinking space, then this didn't come out right. I do understand and appreciate that maybe he cannot wait, but I leave these decisions in his hand as I do not want him dangling from any of my strings.

Hello,

I've been a browser for a while. Your dilema touched me and I decided to register so that I could respond.

At age 29 I married my OM, 24 years my senior. My parents weren't thrilled that my OM was just a few years younger than my Dad, but they didn't make waves about it. Mom and my sibs interjected concerns, opinions, and cautions. And ya know, we've been together now 20 years, married almost 19. A lot of those concerns and cautions from loved ones have come to be, at one time or another, to some degree. Obviously I didn't let their thoughts carry too much weight at the time. But I was also open to the possibility they could be right on. From what I've learned the best statement I can make to you is this. You need to be very certain, very mature, and very committed. I remember before our marriage our Pastor discussed some of the possible issues we could face in an AGR. I still remember his voice and expression as clear as day when he said this to us:

"If she were 18 rather than 28, and you were 43 rather than 53, I would refuse to officiate. I would strongly caution you both against this marriage. Not because the relationship was devoid of love, but because the relationship would be devoid of the maturity and commitment the relationship would require when you come face to face with lifes challenges."

My history pre-AGR:
At 18 I married my first really deep, love of a lifetime, whom I met at 16. By my 21st birthday we were divorcing. I had an infant son to raise and support alone. I returned to college, finished my degree, and worked in my chosen career for 5yrs before becoming involved with my OM (now my DH). By then my son was 6, and I knew far more about life, and commitments, and the fragility of relationships. I also realized my future decisions about relationships, et al, would have impact on someone other than myself. Namely, my son.

I don't doubt you must be wondering why me, this newbie to the forum, is touting "great wisdom" and motherly advice when we've never met on the forum before. I hope nobody feels I've overstepped, especially since we don't know each others online persona. I just felt very compelled to share experience, and hopefully insight. This quote below was quite popular when I was a teen. But today it has a slightly different meaning for me than it did back then.



"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; If they don't they never were." ......Richard Bach


My old view of this was:

you break up, and suffer in misery and spend all your days wishing on a star for your true love to come back to you on the wings of a phoenix. And if he did he would take you away to a life of everlasting happiness.

My modernized view is quite different:

To "set them free" >>> I do NOT view as breaking off your love and your relationship with your OM, or with your family members. It's a lose-lose situation to have to choose one relationship over the other. I believe it's possible to turn it into a win-win situation.

"If they come back to you....">>> I'd tell you to ask yourself this. Would you, and your parents, and your extended family look at this relationship differently if you were 30, and your OM was 50 something? i.e., Perhaps he wouldn't be labeled "that man who is more than twice your age." He'd likely be seen as "that man who is 20 something years your senior." Your family's view point may then be more accepting since at that point your age difference is much less of an ominous thing. And it might lend comfort to your loved ones that you are more self assured and making a mature, adult decision rather than feeling, "Gosh, she was only a teen just a couple years ago, who is barely embarking on adult life."

"If they come back they're yours." i.e., does the relationship survive if you don't commit to a decision NOW? You say you feel you have to "Choose one over the other." Do you fear that unless you make a choice now to be with your OM his truest feelings for you will change? I don't mean his reaction when happy that things go his way, and I don't mean his pissed off reaction when they don't. I mean, do you fear his true to heart feelings for you will change?

I think you both can find an even plain where you do NOT need to choose between OM and Family. Let them co-exist in your life for a few years before you choose to commit to OM, or to family tradition. See if they meld, and grow on each other, so to speak. Right now your culture places alot of pressure on you, and likewise it puts some extreme pressure and worry on your family AND your OM, that you are going to choose one over the other.

:eek: Thought my post was lost.