What Do You Think

OM retired
Me housewife

I painted the house, inside and out, clean, cook sometimes, make sure things are in order, help with repairs.

He pays all the bills, used to give me $450/month to live on and pay the phone bill with.

Now he cut my allowance off because he wants me to get a job, but the way I see it, he's retired (I won't travel with him in the cheapo style he wants me to so he cut me off). So, I interviewed for a job and looks like I got it, in the meantime I don't have $$ to live on and he refuses to give me any (except for providing the basic roof over head, food on table).

Do you think this is abusive and controlling? He has a manipulating way of making me feel like this is all my fault, like what's his is his and that's it.

I feel that he's retired, chances of me caring for him when I'm older are great compared to him caring for me (he's 26yrs. older), so why shouldn't I/we enjoy our life together now, and I will pay him in return by caring for him in his old age. He wanted me to travel with him, so I do I do that and have a career. I don't get it.

Lots more issues/examples...

OM retired
Me housewife

I painted the house, inside and out, clean, cook sometimes, make sure things are in order, help with repairs.

He pays all the bills, used to give me $450/month to live on and pay the phone bill with.

Now he cut my allowance off because he wants me to get a job, but the way I see it, he's retired (I won't travel with him in the cheapo style he wants me to so he cut me off). So, I interviewed for a job and looks like I got it, in the meantime I don't have $$ to live on and he refuses to give me any (except for providing the basic roof over head, food on table).

Do you think this is abusive and controlling? He has a manipulating way of making me feel like this is all my fault, like what's his is his and that's it.

I feel that he's retired, chances of me caring for him when I'm older are great compared to him caring for me (he's 26yrs. older), so why shouldn't I/we enjoy our life together now, and I will pay him in return by caring for him in his old age. He wanted me to travel with him, so I do I do that and have a career. I don't get it.

Lots more issues/examples...


There's more to this story. Please start at the beginning.

Mike

Forget it!:no:;)

What Do You Think

I think we've been down this road before!

Ok, men! So, what's fair? Shouldn't a man provide for his woman in return for giving herself to him? Isn't having a beautiful woman by your side an honor, shouldn't he respect that and make the woman feel like the queen she is?

Shouldn't he take care of me in return for giving him the best years of my life and taking care of him in old age? It's not like a young man and young woman are starting a life together, it's a man who lived a life and a young child he trained to live his way or hit the highway.

Here's the problems of the OM/YW relationships:

Man is old = he retires, you still work, he is impotent, she's in her prime, he has more working yrs. therefore more $$, you have more life to live to make more money, he wants to travel, you can't because he wants you to work, but he wants you to travel too.

I see things differently now as my life has moved into a different stage. I have the rest of my life to live, he doesn't. He's old, I'm young.

I'm wondering what you all do out there when it comes to this? He's old, I'm young. He retired, I didn't. He can live his dreams out, I can't yet, and he won't be there when I'm ready to retire. It's the sadness that I feel that everyday of my life, that sadness has turned to resentment because I'm not feeling like he's supporting me like I should be supported.

My life should be made easy by him, not hard because I'm the one who will be left alone in old age, not him.

This does all sound familiar.

You are obviously very unhappy in this relationship.

Why stay in it?

I agree.

I think if a man IS well off financially he should support his wife, you don't take care of someone and then one day decide no you can't have anymore. That just does not sit right, I can understand him wanting you to work, to experience what it's like to have a job/career and be somewhat independent, but he shouldn't have cut you off... that seems kind of mean to me... if he wanted to let you be financially independent he should have started off just with holding a little bit and let you get accustomed to living on less and then when you started your job and were making money... they he could just take care of the house/groceries or whatnot like you said.

There is obviously a lot more to this... like HIS side of the story for example.

But if you are so unhappy and you resent him, you shouldn't stay in the relationship. And you need to have some serious discussions about what's going on, no fighting, but real talking and communicating. If you're not happy, someone is not going to want a partner to stay with them when they're not happy. But honey this man doesn't owe you anything, remember that, what he gave before and now he did b/c he loved you, you thinking you deserve to be treated like a queen is a bit much... and maybe you should find a guy who is less practical and will fawn over you with money and attention.

$450 a month to live?!!! That is a very small amount, even by third world standards.

With your job, hopefully you will gain financial independence and work experience. I think he is giving you a great opportunity for personal development. :) Take it and make the best of it. Now, if you work, obviously you will not be able to do as much housework, so he has to pitch in and do his share. That would be fair.

Your post honestly made me sad. Do you think that youth and beauty are assets that you bring to a relationship? In my book the assets that you bring to a relationship are love, companionship, understanding, pasion, care. You also bring experience but only as it facilitates harmony.

I suggest that you reevaluate your relationship because you have mentioned very valid points regarding what/how you feel. AGRs are not for everyone. I wish you the best.

You got married for the wrong reason and possibly to the wrong person. Now that he's not giving you anything you should have nothing to hold you back when you call the divorce lawyer. I don't expect my om to pay for my youth and beauty; this is not a business transaction. He is treating you horribly but your second post speaks volumes. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but that's the way I see it.

The marriage is dead, so leave! You obviously need a good lawyer because he won't be giving you a penny without a major fight.

$450 a month to live?!!! That is a very small amount, even by third world standards.

I believe she meant in addition to paying the bills he gave her this money for personal use and the phone bill. Doesn't sound like much if that's ALL the money INCLUDING other bills... but it is if everything else is taken care of and that's just for keeps.

I believe she meant in addition to paying the bills he gave her this money for personal use and the phone bill. Doesn't sound like much if that's ALL the money INCLUDING other bills... but it is if everything else is taken care of and that's just for keeps.

Just to clarify she said he gave her $450 per month to take care of her personal fun money and to pay her phone bill. All of her other financial needs are taken care of. There are plenty of people who work full time and have kids and who are lucky to have that amount of discretionary left over, imo.

I understand the op has no kids to take care of. Just the house. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

Shouldn't a man provide for his woman in return for giving herself to him? Isn't having a beautiful woman by your side an honor, shouldn't he respect that and make the woman feel like the queen she is?

I totally agree with this statement. Maybe it's a male instinct or something, but I have this constant urge to provide for my sweetheart and to do anything that makes her life easier and make her feel like a goddess. And all I ask in return is for her to stand by my side during thick and thin.
Anyways, it kind of sounds like he's turning into a grumpy old man. I wonder if you start working a lot and you aren't home with him as much, he may start to miss you. Then you have some leverage.

So MS1, when you are old and wrinkled, and should you and a young man establish a relationship, are you going to treat him like a king and provide for him just because he is young and gorgeous? Will his youth and looks be enough for you to feel honored to have him by your side? Bleh.

Or maybe you think that if a woman is old and ugly she does not deserve a man to be proud to have her? :confused: The way your post is drafted confuses me, perhaps because of the language barrier.

To me your post sounds like you are willing to be a nurse with benefits as long as the salary is right. No wonder he is making you work, he probably feels this and wants to know if there is love under all that. You will not travel with him because he is cheapo? Maybe he wants his retirement money to last. He is not young anymore and he cannot go back to work should his funds run out. There is nothing sadder than a poor old man when he realizes that (some) women want a meal ticket.

I agree Sheila! That's what I was trying to point out! He has been more than generous to her giving her all that money for personal use AND paying the bills. I think it's about time she starts working and chipping in for things. A relationship is 50-50 and that includes finances. I'm all for a man helping out and taking care of a woman IF he is able to, as so long as she's NOT a gold digger just looking for a man to take care of her, I know at times we all need someone to help us out until we are stable and self-suficient. And I agree with good child in her thread about letting YW work and live on their own so they have a sense of self and self sufficiency, I know right now my family has been helping A LOT financially since I'm not able to work for a couple months... but I could never sit back and completely let a man take care of everything and give me money just b/c I'm "young and gorgeous"!!! Sheila I think you're right on in your assumption of how this situation may be precieved, and how he might be feeling... and some good food for thought!

I think I remember OP saying in another thread that he has more than enough money so that he could travel in a conventional manner. But his kind of travel is more like camping, sleeping in parking lots in a travel trailer.

I may not remember exactly the way it was but that is the impression I was left with. And that is fine. If they both enjoy roughing it. But she does not like camping and so does not want to travel with him. She believes it is about what he likes to do more than that he needs the money. Then again, she may not realize that maybe he does worry about it running out.

Anyway, the allowance on top of paying the bills was generous, but gone. And if she does not want to travel with him, he wants her working.

There is no wrong or right, but obviously like everyone is pointing out, they are not happy with the way things are. There is quite a power struggle going on and OP wants to know if she is right to be unhappy. We cannot say she is or not. We all have different wants and needs.

If he is dead set it will be like this, she needs to figure out if she can live with it and if not, get counseling or end the relationship. Too much resentment is building.

I think I remember OP saying in another thread that he has more than enough money so that he could travel in a conventional manner. But his kind of travel is more like camping, sleeping in parking lots in a travel trailer.

There is no wrong or right, but obviously like everyone is pointing out, they are not happy with the way things are. There is quite a power struggle going on and OP wants to know if she is right to be unhappy. We cannot say she is or not. We all have different wants and needs.

If he is dead set it will be like this, she needs to figure out if she can live with it and if not, get counseling or end the relationship. Too much resentment is building.

I am sorry if I sounded harsh. I do think that working is positive. I remember my ex (who was my age) was cheapo too. But I understood why. He was paying all the bills and he was hard of hearing and working in a very specialized field. If he lost his job, it was going to be very difficult find a similar job with a handicap on top of it. Anyways, I worked, and since I liked fun on style, I used to pay for our vacations! Thanks to me we travelled to Niagara Falls, New England, and a 5 star resort in SC, apart from local resorts in Panama.

I also contributed a lot to the construction of our mountain cabin, which had all the facilities because I do not like to be uncomfortable.

Working also helped me to be able to leave him on my terms, when he became abusive to our son and he treated me like just another piece of furniture. Working does have its benefits, as long as housework duties are divided between the two.

I certainly didn't marry my OM for money, he didn't have it when we met, dated, and married, I'm not a gold digger looking for a sugar daddy. I painted this guys house while he went on a 4 month vacation, I redid his stone wall, I tore apart and sheet rocked his basement, etc., etc. I mowed his lawn, trimmed his trees... Notice the him/his because he let me know, in no uncertain terms, that it's his house and his car and his... but I still hang in there.

And I'm choosing not to leave the marriage because I made a commitment and believe there is some hope since I feel we carry our problems to the next relationship and the next and so on until we figure out what it is that isn't working. I chose him for a reason, he chose me because I'm more than just a pretty face. I feel sad thinking this could end, I spent most of my adult life with this person, from the age of 17 to 40. I have a good career and can live independently if need be, and live well.:yes:

I just believe a woman has needs and the man who she chooses should be able to provide those needs to her. It's biological, it's tradition. It's about respect, love, admiration, caring, etc.

My man knows I am devoted, that I will be there for him, but who will be there for me when I'm old and alone? Will he? He'll be dead. Which is why I believe he should provide for me a good life, because he can, and make my life easier so when I have to deal with life's issues, alone, I'll look back knowing we had great times together that weren't dominated by a controlling, argumentative person.

He cut me off and told me to get a job when he found out I wasn't willing to travel with him anymore in the style he likes: vagabond.

So, I'm getting a job, making 6 figures (pretty decent). Guess what happened? He upped the ante:

Buy a condo in the area where he wants to recreate, we go there 6 months of the year, then we go where I want 6 months of the year and he'll give me $1000/month for spending money.

Does that seem a little controlling? I don't get $$ if I don't travel with him, but if I travel with him I get $$. Yet the situation still remains the same, he will die before me and I will be alone, so I say to him: make my life easier, let's enjoy it now the way it should be. Am I making sense?:yes::no:

I agree.
But honey this man doesn't owe you anything, remember that, what he gave before and now he did b/c he loved you, you thinking you deserve to be treated like a queen is a bit much... and maybe you should find a guy who is less practical and will fawn over you with money and attention.

I disagree with this because I gave the best years of my life to this man. He molded me into who he wanted me to be, I lost me. He scolded me for behavior he didn't like, he treats me like his child. I fight back but it does no good, it doesn't work, this is someone who will never back down and will take it to the grave with him.

I don't deserve that. I deserve better, I, along with every woman deserve to be treated like a queen, only a man has strength to provide for a woman. It's tradition, it's biology. Men were built to be strong and think differently than women.

Getting treated like a queen could mean something as simple as backing down in an argument, sucking it up and stepping aside to make the woman feel as though she has a chance.

I don't even have an engagement ring, I never got even a cheap piece of jewelry from him (I'd be happy with a dollar store necklace). I got a whopping 2 bunches of flowers in 20yrs. of being together. He could have handpicked grass for all I cared, just to show me I was important to him. :jaw:

I deserve better, I, along with every woman deserve to be treated like a queen, only a man has strength to provide for a woman. It's tradition, it's biology. Men were built to be strong and think differently than women.

ms1, what is it you want of us here? Agreement that you're being treated badly? Agreement that you should be treated like a queen? Agreement that your life with your OM should have progressed differently? What?
You have said that the current situation is a mess. You have said that leaving your OM isn't an option because you made a "commitment." Fair enough. Then what are your options? You can stay married and live apart. A woman with a brand new 6-figure salary should have little trouble making that happen. You can stay married and stay together. If your up for this, then you need to be talking to him, not us. If the marriage is worth anything to you, then you need to make him listen to you. MAKE HIM LISTEN. Before you do though, you'd better figure out just what it is you want. And please don't start with that "treated like a queen" stuff again. Be specific. Are you looking for physical affection, courtesy, deference, kindness, sharing, understanding, thoughtfulness, what? When you've found the answer, you can bring it here if you want to, but you and I and everyone else here knows there's only one person you really have to take it to. You really do have a right to be happy, but only you can make that happen. For what it's worth, I really hope you succeed.

On your side no matter what you think,
Mike

Ms it sounds like the relationship has come down to a battle of wills and a battle of dollars. You are living seperate lives and seperate hearts. His stubborn behvaiour will cost him your love and devotion, your stubborn behaviour will cost you your vibrancy and happiness. Seriously you are both backed into a corner here....what exactly is it you are hanging on to....your hopes and dreams? Thats ok but at the expense of your happiness today and tomorrow? No thats not ok.....if he wont sit down and you both listen to each other, and if you can be self sufficient and earn money and have a life that doesnt involve this awful angst.....then maybe its over. It is only a relationship while there is love....and that is reciprocated and demonstrated. Take stock of yourself, what you want, what you will accept....and if he wont go there then there's your answer.

I disagree with this because I gave the best years of my life to this man. He molded me into who he wanted me to be, I lost me. He scolded me for behavior he didn't like, he treats me like his child. I fight back but it does no good, it doesn't work, this is someone who will never back down and will take it to the grave with him.

I don't deserve that. I deserve better, I, along with every woman deserve to be treated like a queen, only a man has strength to provide for a woman. It's tradition, it's biology. Men were built to be strong and think differently than women.



Since you believe that biologically men are stronger than women and are the only ones who can provide for a woman you shouldn't have a problem being submissive. It seems like he's just playing the role of the dominant male that he's biologically determined to be, so why are you now complaining? If you've always accepted the role as his child then how is he to react when suddenly you want to defy him? You seem very confused and I think you should seek counseling to help you determine why you are so unhappy and find a solution.

Wow, just wow.:no:
Do the man a favor, either leave him or stop complaining. It takes two in a relationship. How about you treat him like the king he is, then maybe he will treat you like a queen you are. Men shouldn't have to bow down to women. It's not all about "me, me, me."
It is also clear, you two have nothing in common. Do something to rectify the situation.

Let me see:

Painting his 2 story house isn't good enough, note to self: remove diamond ring he never bought me, get nails done instead (something I have never done, must make me a queen).

Painted interior of 2 story house: hmmmmmm, must be worth something since it is his house.

Rebuilt rock wall in 95 degree weather: where was he? Oh, on vacation. Took me 1 month of moving 10-30lb. rocks.

Serve him dinner every night: Whoops, must have not mashed the potatoes properly.

Clean house on hands and knees: Make note, use Comet in shower next time for a squeaky clean job, don't leave brown spots in toilet.

What else should I do to "treat him like a king"?

What I want is people to realize that the OM takes a younger woman's heart when she falls for his adult ways in her naivete, uses her youth in his own selfish ways, then leaves her in old age because he can't live forever together with her through her old age. So to all the OM out there, and YW, be wary, I think you've either taken or been taken. I gave up my earning power and am left with nothing but to start anew. I am entering middle age alone, chances of finding love are not good.

So, it's my point of view, from my experiences, either consider it or don't. I don't care. Just maybe hoping to help in some way, someone who's considering going down the OM/YW path.

What I want is people to realize that the OM takes a younger woman's heart when she falls for his adult ways in her naivete, uses her youth in his own selfish ways, then leaves her in old age because he can't live forever together with her through her old age.

ms1...............Are you missing the man you married?

Were you a child who was coerced into a relationship by this grumpy old man?
I simply can't understand how you will not acknowledge any kind of responsibility for the decision you made in marrying this old man. The idea that he stole your youth and should pay for it is absurd. It is becoming so much clearer why he is holding on to his retirement money because he knows that you might just abandon him when he's sick and helpless.

No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you stay with this horrible old man, so why don't you leave?. You are only in your 40's and many women on this board will tell you that their life isn't over and they are enjoying life. It's never too late to admit that you make a mistake and take steps to improve your life. Do yourself and this old man a favor and end the marriage.

Hun, I think that you need a big hug.
Middle age is not a bad time to start new.
When I read your original post I felt that you thought that youth gave you the title of "Queen" but reading your last post makes me think that what you need is not to be treated as a queen but as a "beloved wife", not as something to be put in a throne but as an equal deserving respect, good treatment, and to be taken into account.

You are not getting what you need from this relationship. You are not getting what you deserve.

Start working, this will help you open your horizons and evaluate your options.

Big hug and good luck.

Hun, I think that you need a big hug.
Middle age is not a bad time to start new.
When I read your original post I felt that you thought that youth gave you the title of "Queen" but reading your last post makes me think that what you need is not to be treated as a queen but as a "beloved wife", not as something to be put in a throne but as an equal deserving respect, good treatment, and to be taken into account.

You are not getting what you need from this relationship. You are not getting what you deserve.

Start working, this will help you open your horizons and evaluate your options.

Big hug and good luck.

Thank you! Maybe I didn't communicate my message effectively. Beloved wife is what I want to feel like, not a servant who gets cut off from her minimum wage housewife salary because she came to realize she doesn't have to do as told. Now, the challenge is to get me back, and no longer be a victim.

And yes, in sense I was coerced into the relationship by a 44yr. old man who started a relationship with a 19yr. old young woman. When I look back I wonder why a 44 yr. old man would want to be in a relationship with someone 26yrs. younger (sex, ego?). I was naive, not strong enough to overcome the feelings I had for the man, I went with the feelings, and was deeply in love with someone who claims to be in love with me but can't or never can show it.

I'll be getting a job soon, in the meantime I have no money to live on and I'm married. What do I do? How do I pay bills? Is that why I stay, maybe? The gun is held to my head. Maybe now you can understand why I have resentment toward this OM, who, by the way, I have committed to and who's *** I will wipe in his old age, through thick and thin. Will he for me?

He loans $15,000 (to be paid back whenever she can) to his gambling addicted sister but won't loan me $120 to pay the phone bill, I'm his wife, don't I deserve better?

I need strength to stand up to this person. That's why I'm here.

See, this is where the fault is. Blame is set on everyone else, when in all reality, it starts with you. No one forced you to do anything. All mistakes in life are made by ourselves only. I'm sure at 19 you considered yourself an adult. Stop talking and start walking. Thats the only way to solve things. You have nothing now, so you'll lose nothing more when you leave him.






Thank you! Maybe I didn't communicate my message effectively. Beloved wife is what I want to feel like, not a servant who gets cut off from her minimum wage housewife salary because she came to realize she doesn't have to do as told. Now, the challenge is to get me back, and no longer be a victim.

And yes, in sense I was coerced into the relationship by a 44yr. old man who started a relationship with a 19yr. old young woman. When I look back I wonder why a 44 yr. old man would want to be in a relationship with someone 26yrs. younger (sex, ego?). I was naive, not strong enough to overcome the feelings I had for the man, I went with the feelings, and was deeply in love with someone who claims to be in love with me but can't or never can show it.

I'll be getting a job soon, in the meantime I have no money to live on and I'm married. What do I do? How do I pay bills? Is that why I stay, maybe? The gun is held to my head. Maybe now you can understand why I have resentment toward this OM, who, by the way, I have committed to and who's *** I will wipe in his old age, through thick and thin. Will he for me?

He loans $15,000 (to be paid back whenever she can) to his gambling addicted sister but won't loan me $120 to pay the phone bill, I'm his wife, don't I deserve better?

I need strength to stand up to this person. That's why I'm here.

If you have a roof over your head, food, electricity and water, forget the phone bill, the cable bill and the internet bill. You can live without those. Just make sure you have money for gas until you get your first paycheck.

Who knows, maybe after you start working, meet other people and become a valuable member of your company you will feel that the situation at home is less horrible and/or that you can change it in time. I suggest that you start saving serious money as soon as you can.

I agree with Shiela you sound like you need to be supported to change your headspace and your lifestyle......seriously no-one owes anyone anything....but clearly you are locked in to this way of thinking.....go take that six figure job if for no other reason than it gives you independence and also allows you to go 50-50 on everything....and it will take you back out in to the world where people will see you as YOU, not how you see yourself as an extension of him.

Its not his fault he is older and will likely pass over before you....its also not your fault you were 19 and are now 40...shit happens LOL....but darling 40 is great and being in your 40's is excellent....enjoy, make a life that gives you spiritual and emotional sustenance and start living in the moment not the past, which you cant change, or the future which you cant predict. Just get on with making now what YOU want it to be....life is too short for so many regrets and blaming.

I disagree with this because I gave the best years of my life to this man. He molded me into who he wanted me to be, I lost me. He scolded me for behavior he didn't like, he treats me like his child. I fight back but it does no good, it doesn't work, this is someone who will never back down and will take it to the grave with him.

I don't deserve that. I deserve better, I, along with every woman deserve to be treated like a queen, only a man has strength to provide for a woman. It's tradition, it's biology. Men were built to be strong and think differently than women.

Getting treated like a queen could mean something as simple as backing down in an argument, sucking it up and stepping aside to make the woman feel as though she has a chance.

I don't even have an engagement ring, I never got even a cheap piece of jewelry from him (I'd be happy with a dollar store necklace). I got a whopping 2 bunches of flowers in 20yrs. of being together. He could have handpicked grass for all I cared, just to show me I was important to him. :jaw:



See... there was far more to this story than what you originally posted.... I wrote what I did b/c I didn't look to see how old you were and assumed you were some spoiled 20-something who wanted to be treated like a "queen" and whatnot. If you had given us the whole story initially about how manipulative this man is with his money and affection you would have gotten different replies.
What he's doing is not right, and I agree you do deserve more than what he's given you. I think it's obvious he his bribing you to travle with him... perhaps if this is always how he's been it's how he was raised and he doesn't know anything else? Have you have asked him about getting an engagement ring? or some other form of jewelry...? Has this been brought up or are you just resentful after all these years that that's how things have been and knowing all along that it should have/could have been better?
I'm sorry you OM sounds like such a jerk (no offense), I have no idea what to tell you to do.... do you love him still? even after all the of this? do you really want to make it work? If you're capable of starting over (and I don't believe age has anything to do with starting/stopping anything) maybe it's time to think about that? I can imagine him feeling a bit reeled, like he's not going to have anyone to take care of him or be there in later days... but it does sound like he has robbed you of your youth... You should follow your heart... where ever that may take you, sometimes you have to think about yourself before you think of others.

If memory serves me, this is the third thread on the same subject you have started. With each thread you have received reasonable support and advice, but you have chosen to add to the story each time, and keep making this fella sound worse, and worse, and worse. One thing I've noticed, the problem on your mind when you originate the thread does not remain consistent through the thread. The problems always escalate to something else. Nobody here can address a problem when that problem keeps changing. However, the fact that the problem does not remain the same throughout the thread reveals something about your motives for originating the thread in the first place. It was not to solve a problem.

You have publicly torn him apart, over and over. In each case its all his fault, or its the age difference that you target and regret. For you to do this can mean only one thing, you emotionally abandoned this man and relationship long ago. A woman would not tear her companion apart this way unless this were so. I can therefore make the following statement, no matter what this fella does it won't make you happy. So why should he try?

You are nobody's victim. Your unhappiness is not this man's fault or a result of the age gap. Happiness comes from within. One person lives in less than a perfect situation and is happy, another acts as though they are more miseable than anybody has ever been. The difference is merely attitude and perspective. Another woman living in your shoes would be happy, making the most of the experience, rather than bemoaning her life.

Because of the way you tear this guy apart and make him the brunt of your unhappiness, it is not possible that the story you are giving us is fair, impartial and balanced. This makes it impossible for anyone to accurately advise or support you. We know your side of the story, we need to know his side of the story before we'll have a clear understanding and be capable of advising you accurately.

Finally I'll address this issue you make of aging. Everybody ages, aging is a condition that every single person OR every couple must face. This is true of couples whether the couple are same age, or an age gap couple. I know of a couple age 90 & 92. They have aged together. Neither is capable of taking care of the other, they must rely on a third party to care for both of them. Is this a better situation than a younger wife being able of taking care of her husband as he becomes very old?

I was dating a younger woman in 2006. We addressed this very problem. Barring an unforseen accident, it was obvious to us she would be taking care of me if I ever reached a point where I couldn't fully care for myself. She had a grandmother in a home at the time, and she thought a younger spouse taking care of a physically limited one was a much more loving way to cope with life than sticking them in a "home" where they would be cared for by strangers. But who can predict I'll ever need care at all? FAmily history would indicate I'll be capable of taking care of myself until the day I pass away.

When the issue of caring for her came up, I turned to my children, and they were unanimous in assuring me that they would care for her when the time came for that. She would not face life alone after my passing, because she is family.

the old guy

People don't like to hear about the bad side of AGR's, do they? Only the good. I posted for support, not attacks. My situation is real, with many, many problems; I'm trying to hang in their because I know I loved this person and I made a commitment. Why and how, I don't know anymore? Maybe I never did, maybe he never did, maybe we both did...

Ageless love! Love comes in all forms, good and bad. This is the bad, and this is someone writing this going through the bad, feeling like the OM has a responsibility to the YW to be strong, put aside his ego, and think real because, honestly, the whole thing is odd, and I'm in it looking back wondering. I looked like a child when we met, why would any OM be interested in a child vs. a woman his own age? I wasn't strong enough, I was naive, I never became me, just an extension of him. That is the power an OM has, a YW sees money, stability, good looks. The OM sees a hot body, attractive woman, and boing!!!!! This is real.

He thinks he's just going to live forever and doesn't have to discuss any issues dealing with aging, estate planning, etc. How do you think that makes me feel? Like I said, I'll be alone in death, I come from a small family, we don't have children, he will have me till death, I will live yrs. without him. When you're 19 you don't think about this.

There are different types of love. At 19, female love is different from male love at 44. Passionate vs. compassionate love.

http://www2.hu-berlin.de/sexology/BIB/HATF1.htm#Chapter6

Ageless love! Love comes in all forms, good and bad. This is the bad, and this is someone writing this going through the bad, feeling like the OM has a responsibility to the YW to be strong, put aside his ego, and think real because, honestly, the whole thing is odd, and I'm in it looking back wondering. I looked like a child when we met, why would any OM be interested in a child vs. a woman his own age? I wasn't strong enough, I was naive, I never became me, just an extension of him. That is the power an OM has, a YW sees money, stability, good looks. The OM sees a hot body, attractive woman, and boing!!!!! This is real.

Correction! You saw money (not yw in general)and now that he recognizes that is all you wanted he has cut you off! Who can blame him! Your post is the perfect example why yw are stigmatized as gold diggers!:yes:

Sometimes people are so wrong. We started out equally wealthy, he had the good fortune of investing smart, I didn't marry for his $$, that came later.

I can see that noone here really wants to see the bad side of an OM/YW relationship, only the good. Live in a fantasy, space cowboys.

I think most people here are being very supportive of you...this is what happened on your last post, when you didnt get the exact support you wanted...but George is right, what exactly is it you want to hear? Everyone has agreed he is not behaving well, but neither are you. You keep alluding to him dying and you being lonely...well you have had 20 years to come to terms with that fact, and honey thats a long time in anyone's books.

Honestly if this is how you go about talking about this issue with him, no wonder he shuts down....you arent really making any sense.....and its hard to get you to expand on the actual issues...so you painted his house, did renovations, worked in the house, gave up your life...but you arent getting what...a gaurantee that he will live as long as you, money in the bank signed and sealed, holidays of luxury....babe its all over the shop.....you need to talk to someone objective, we've all given you lots of support to go get your job, work, build up your own life and identity...what else would you like to hear?

Sometimes people are so wrong. We started out equally wealthy, he had the good fortune of investing smart, I didn't marry for his $$, that came later.

I can see that noone here really wants to see the bad side of an OM/YW relationship, only the good. Live in a fantasy, space cowboys.
You are the one saying all a YW sees is money, stability and good looks.

When I was in my very early 20s I also had the opportunity to have a relationship with older men, who were stable and more affluent than me, and sexy too. But other issues entered into consideration, such as if they wanted more children than the ones they had, if they wanted to mold me instead of let me mature and grow on my own, etc. So I did not pursue these relationships for long. It is not ok to say that all women are blind at 19, some of us were different. Also not all OM are the same, I would not speak for all.

When I read your posts I may be inclined to support you, but I do not think that you should generalize. Your problem is yours only. Every YW in this forum has their own set of problems because no relationship is perfect, and their way to approach it is different.

My mom married an OM (my dad) he is blind, has Parkinsons, and numerous other problems, she totally cares for him, despite her arthrosis and pain, but instead of complaining, my mom cherishes every second he is in this side of life and shows her love in many ways.

He did not use to take her on trips, he left us alone for years, she always worked to support herself, but she forgave him always. She loves him. That is what seems to be lacking in your relationship.

I can see that noone here really wants to see the bad side of an OM/YW relationship, only the good. Live in a fantasy, space cowboys.

I find this comment very offensive to those of us who are in age gap relationships, OM/YW and OW/YM, ms1.

Truth is, those of us who are in AGR have to face reality every day. The reality that unless the younger partner becomes ill or dies suddenly, they will most likely lose the older partner sooner.Most of us are not living in a fantasy, rather we are trying to be greatful for today and having that person we love in our lives.

ok I had to answer this because..well here we go....


Do you think this is abusive and controlling? He has a manipulating way of making me feel like this is all my fault, like what's his is his and that's it.

No it's not abusive and controlling. He wants you to work for what you want. Most men who support their wives do so because their are children at home that need to be taken care of. I have been a stay at home mom/wife, it takes about 30 minutes to clean a house a bit longer when you have kids at home and even longer than that when you have even smaller kids. You expect to be taken care of for cleaning a house, break it down into wages then, I sincerely doubt that you are cleaning that house 8 hours straight in a day.

I was married to a manipulating controlling man, a man like that wouldnt tell you to get a job, a man like that would tell you to stay home and not leave it and not give you any type of spending money.

Shouldn't he take care of me in return for giving him the best years of my life and taking care of him in old age?

I see things differently now as my life has moved into a different stage. I have the rest of my life to live, he doesn't. He's old, I'm young.

He's old, I'm young. He retired, I didn't. He can live his dreams out, I can't yet, and he won't be there when I'm ready to retire.

My life should be made easy by him, not hard because I'm the one who will be left alone in old age, not him.

It seriously sounds as if you want compensation for having married someone older. You sound as if you feel that you are entitled to being taken care of, that it's a "perk" that you felt was suppose to be yours by marrying someone who is not only older but more well off but maybe someone older and more well off wouldnt want to just support someone who is still completely capable of earning a living on their own and if he is that much older and his dying sooner is a concern..why wouldnt you want to work and have an establish career? I sincerely doubt that he is going to leave you anything, I wouldnt doubt that he would leave the entirety of his possessions to relatives or friends who have been in his life longer.


I just believe a woman has needs and the man who she chooses should be able to provide those needs to her. It's biological, it's tradition. It's about respect, love, admiration, caring, etc.


Ok one question...WHAT?! This isnt the 1940's thank goodness, There is nothing biological about not wanting to work and I think very few of us, especially those without children would want to be stuck at home playing Little Suzy Homemaker. Being taken care of, being financially supported is not a right, it's not something that you are entitled to. Having a partner who is Not working is something that you BOTH decide on and if one partner says No I just cant do it, either because of finances or it just goes against their values to support someone who is capable of working, or they dont feel that it is fair to have worked all their lives and earned their money only to marry someone and have them expect to take what they obviously didnt earn.

I dont feel that any of this on both of your parts is about respect, love, admiration and caring.


What you want is not something that you are going to get at least not from this relationship. You either accept your situation or change it.

I agree with everyone else. I can see why your OM is the way he is, it's like talking to a wall. You have good advice here, and there is one thing I cannot understand, why is it you feel he OWES you anything. When in reality, he doesn't owe you a thing. Enough with the whoa is me, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and do something about it! It is plain to see you will not try to solve the problem and are so defensive, which you are not susceptible to changing anything. It's not all about you, it's about him too.

Maybe you set your expectations way too high...or to say the least in the wrong direction.

Most ag couples whether YM/OM or YW/OM strive for balance, for equality in a relationship, they want to be peers and partners regardless of their ages. Outside the relationship, they may be in very different life stages, as a couple, they are equals. You sound like you were just looking for an exchange, you give up your youth and expect attention in return, being treated like a queen.

I give respect and expect respect, I offer committment and expect it in return, I choose to spend my years with somebody and that somebody spends his with me, I am not losing my youth to an OM, I am living it with him.

It is all OUR choice, and you cannot look back twenty years later and place the blame on the other.

Unlike you may think, most partners on the older side do not 'take advantage' of the younger party's innocence, and give themselves to their partners, with way more caution than greed.

As an adult YW you made the decision to stay with your OM because to you, it was worth it. You were an adult, with more or less life experience but still responsible for your own choices.

Do not put your situation and every other AGR in the same sack, you are filled with prejudice from your own experience, but you have to understand you have been blinded by your (to me twisted) idea of a good relationship. What you are/were looking for in your relationship is not what most people in AGRs look for.

As Sheila said, you are still young to start anew. Good luck!

ms1,

I just have to say this.. and maybe no one else will agree, but I do appreciate your honesty ms1. It's good to hear from somebody who is actually going through an AGR and has experienced it for 20+ years! Us YWs do need to hear this stuff! Of course, it's not that we haven't thought about these things ourselves and the obstacles we'll have to endure by committing ourselves to a much older man, but.. I think if we were honest with ourselves, a lot of us would admit it's something we push to the back of our minds! We don't want to think about the reality of the situation.. we don't like thinking about what will happen when our OM starts having health issues, or when he retires and we'll still have to work, or when he passes well before we do :-/ It's not fun to hear, but it's the harsh reality! And.. sometimes we need to hear from people who've already gone through all of these problems, so that we can think it all through logically and not make a haphazard commitment that we're not ready for or not capable of making.

I think people are being pretty hard on ms1. She came to this site for advice and help, and people keep accusing her of not "listening" because she isn't getting the advice "she wants to hear." But let's be honest! A lot of us YWs came to this site seeking validation for our age-gap relationship! And truth be told, if someone on here told us we were stupid or silly for going into an AGR, we'd be infuriated!! We came here because WE KNEW we would find other people to support our own views on the issue and people who would tell us what we're doing is perfectly fine! Is it so bad to hear the other side of the story?

So, I for one am thankful you're on these boards ms1. I am a 25 yr. old YW who just started a serious relationship with a 45 yr. old OM. These are issues I think about constantly and am trying to sort in my mind. I feel I deeply love my OM, but is "love" always enough to get you through thick and thin? That's what I am questioning now. I can deal with caring for him when he's old.. that would be my pleasure in fact! I'm not worried about that.. I guess I'm more scared about the idea of him passing before me.. I just can't stand the thought of it!! And the thought of being a lonely widow without the love of her life.

As for advice.. I do agree with many of the others. I know you're set on staying with him, but it sounds like there's just way too much bitterness and resentment to work through :-/ Your OM would have to change quite a lot to make you happy... and I doubt he'll be willing to make those changes at his age in life. Counseling is the only other option I think.. talk to your OM and if nothing is resolved, see if he'd be willing to meet a counselor with you. I say, if he refuses, then it's time for you to move on and make a new life for yourself so that you can regain yourself!!! You're not too old to start over!! 40-something?? Even from my 25 yr. old point-of-view, You're still young!! Start enjoying life instead of dreading it..

I have to run, but good luck! I hope you find the friendship and support on these boards that you're looking for to help you make the best decision.

Love forbidden,

Thank you for the kind words and understanding.

What I would like for people to understand is that I did not enter into an AGR for the money because he didn't have much when we met, I loved the man I married, I choose the man I married. We dated for years and then lived together for several more before marrying. All that aside, you never know a man, a man of any age. Mine happened to turn out to be controlling, and after he retired, he became more controlling and ornery.

My OM wanted it all, a sexy young wife, a companion for life, a woman to travel with in the style he wanted to travel in. I, the YW, wanted a man to love me, value me, respect me, and share my life with.

In an age gap relationship there are issues that (in addition to normal issues all couples deal with) are not normal issues normal couples deal with.

What do you do when you have 27yrs. of work left till retirement and your husband retires and wants to enjoy his life?

What about when he's so stubborn he won't plan legally for your future because he has old fashion values that aren't reasonable?

Etc., etc.

This is real life. This was something good, someone I loved deeply, and it's falling apart because the OM is too stubborn to see that his wife, who loves him deeply can't take it anymore and it's his turn to change.

I do feel entitled to be treated well, I'm his wife. I gave to him. I expect the same love, and zest for life as I have.

I want to thank you for your honesty so I will honor that and do my best to deliver the same. I will not make any effort to hide my opinions or view points as I believe they will not help you in any way.

Okay this is the way I see it...

Ok, men! So, what's fair? Shouldn't a man provide for his woman in return for giving herself to him? Isn't having a beautiful woman by your side an honor, shouldn't he respect that and make the woman feel like the queen she is?
Yes he should provide for her if thats what was agreed on. But in any relationship compromise is necesarry. Its possible you didn't hear all of the attatched strings during courtship.

Shouldn't he take care of me in return for giving him the best years of my life and taking care of him in old age? It's not like a young man and young woman are starting a life together, it's a man who lived a life and a young child he trained to live his way or hit the highway.
Well this is what happens sometimes when little girls want to play big girl for a day. I don't agree with his sudden change of heart but I also am weary of a woman so much younger relying on a man for everything. But to each their own. On the other hand I also know a lot of men who change once they retire.

Here's the problems of the OM/YW relationships:

Man is old = he retires, you still work, he is impotent, she's in her prime, he has more working yrs. therefore more $$, you have more life to live to make more money, he wants to travel, you can't because he wants you to work, but he wants you to travel too.
He is being unreasonable, but I wonder if you're presenting your troubles to him in the fashion you're presenting them to us? I wouldn't listen to someone I saw as a spoiled child whom is stomping her feet on the ground whining. I don't intend to be mean, maybe I read the post wrong but that it the tone I heard.

I see things differently now as my life has moved into a different stage. I have the rest of my life to live, he doesn't. He's old, I'm young.
You knew this going in and if you didn't think about it, tough.

I'm wondering what you all do out there when it comes to this? He's old, I'm young. He retired, I didn't. He can live his dreams out, I can't yet, and he won't be there when I'm ready to retire.
As much as I believe in not judging someone based on age I'm not sure I could be in a relationship with that much of a gap. My boyfriend is 10 years my senior and thats enough. I want to spend my life with someone and I don't know if at 30 I'd be okay with someone who's 50+ because I would probably be in a different place than he.

It's the sadness that I feel that everyday of my life, that sadness has turned to resentment because I'm not feeling like he's supporting me like I should be supported.
Is your hang up the lack of emotional or financial support? Perhaps he feels like you've taken advantage of the situation (maybe you haven't, I'm in no position to judge).

My life should be made easy by him, not hard because I'm the one who will be left alone in old age, not him.
Your life should be made easy by you. But on that note he shouldn't make it any harder.

I just wonder how much you actually thought about these things before marrying this guy? A lot of young women fall into this fantasy life of being with an older well-established man whom will take care of them and adore them, but the reality is that when theres an unequal distribution of assets or power in any relationship, a successful life together is that much more difficult. I'm sorry things are not working out for you the way you had hoped, best of luck to you in the future.

I've learned that there are different kinds of love at different stages in life. Life is not predictable and saying I should have known better or discussed this with the OM years ago isn't real, because life changes people, life hands you challenges.

Young love is different from love in middle age or love in old age. Knowing that: a YW feels and wants something different in her love than an OM wants and feels in his love. So, now, as an experienced person living in an AGR, I begin to ask questions of myself and wonder how others deal with valid issues.

What happens at retirement when one spouse has 20+/- years to retirement age and the other retires? Should the younger spouse leave their career (20+ years early) to be with the older spouse to enjoy the rest of their lives together? If so, should the older spouse support the younger if the younger leaves her career and opts to accompany the older spouses, giving up her financial security to rely on the OM?

How is it possible to live out the dreams of the older spouse when the younger spouse is still full of zest for life (both physically and mentally)?

What happens when the OM has the majority of $$ in his name and doesn't plan for possible nursing home care thinking he has enough to get him through, not realizing $100,000/yr. is gone?

The way I see it, me the YW has 2 choices:
1. Don't work, travel with OM, get allowance/month, get all expenses paid, lose financial freedom, lose independence, depend on someone else.
2. Work, don't travel, lose company of spouse while he travels, have financial freedom, independence, depend on me.

Anyone see any other compromises that are possible?

Your post honestly made me sad. Do you think that youth and beauty are assets that you bring to a relationship? In my book the assets that you bring to a relationship are love, companionship, understanding, pasion, care. You also bring experience but only as it facilitates harmony.


:yes:I agree with you Shelia:(

I disagree with this because I gave the best years of my life to this man. He molded me into who he wanted me to be, I lost me. He scolded me for behavior he didn't like, he treats me like his child. I fight back but it does no good, it doesn't work, this is someone who will never back down and will take it to the grave with him.

I don't deserve that. I deserve better, I, along with every woman deserve to be treated like a queen, only a man has strength to provide for a woman. It's tradition, it's biology. Men were built to be strong and think differently than women.

Getting treated like a queen could mean something as simple as backing down in an argument, sucking it up and stepping aside to make the woman feel as though she has a chance.

I don't even have an engagement ring, I never got even a cheap piece of jewelry from him (I'd be happy with a dollar store necklace). I got a whopping 2 bunches of flowers in 20yrs. of being together. He could have handpicked grass for all I cared, just to show me I was important to him. :jaw:


You picked this guy, you chose to be a part of this and now you are angry and resentful at HIM? I think you're pissed at YOU! I remember your other post like this and I'm relatively new. It seems you are hanging on to this resentment, and you are making yourself SICK. This guy is not for you if what you have written is true to what you want. To stay angry, to stay bitter, to look for people to support you on your "side" and blame him...I don't think that's what a lot of us here are about. Try growth, not blame. He has told you who he is. Why aren't you listening? Now go find the kind of guy you want elsewhere, and chalk it up to experience. What we resist, persists.

You are not a victim, but read like a martyr, you KNOW what's going on here, and you cant' change him. I personally can't support you. When I "give" from the heart, I expect nothing in return. Nothing. That is not love in my world and I have a beautiful r'ship with a man who gives from his heart. Have you read "Gift of the Magi" lately?

Entitlement issues make me cringe. Good luck to you and don't miss the lesson.

You picked this guy, you chose to be a part of this and now you are angry and resentful at HIM?

20+ years later in this relationship and this is what I feel:

I picked the guy when I was a young adult, he was middle age. We came together at 2 very different and distinct stages of life. I was beginning life, he was passing through middle age. I was young and naive, he, older and wiser.

Today, 20 years later, I feel taken advantage of, like what I feel I have left of my youth and invigoration for life are being sapped because we are once again at 2 very different and distinct stages of life (I, middle adulthood, and he, elderly but yet still vital). I feel the mortality of his life approaching, yet I still have many, many years of life left to reach where he is today.

I do resent him, I am an example of how wrong an AGR can go. I missed out on meeting someone my own age, going through triumphs and hardships together, working together to purchase the big things in life together. On one hand, you could say I had it easy, not working for a years, no kids, couple of houses, financial security. On the other hand, I look back over the years of feeling alone, lonely, wanting to be appreciated, valued, wanting to have someone talk back to me when I talked, wanting to have him smile at me in the am when I smiled at him, being thankful to be awake and alive, I was entitled to those things from the man I married. He got them from me.

I look back over the years of feeling alone, lonely, wanting to be appreciated, valued, wanting to have someone talk back to me when I talked, wanting to have him smile at me in the am when I smiled at him, being thankful to be awake and alive, I was entitled to those things from the man I married. He got them from me.
Do you have any idea how many people in same-age relationships have these same complaints? Do you think someone the same age as you would have necessarily been a better partner, particularly if you'd have married another 19-year-old? Maybe you've spent so much time and energy blaming your age difference that you've ignored the fact that what you're really dealing with is a simple matter of incompatibility.

And just because you were "young and naive" doesn't mean he's responsible for the decision you made as a 19 year old adult. At that age people decide to go to war, they decide to commit crimes and go to prison, they decide to marry people of the same age, they decide to have children, and lots of other things. And they're responsible for their own decisions because they're adults. If you think you made a mistake, then you need to own up to your part in it and take whatever steps are necessary to correct it. You're not doing anyone any good staying with someone you have no love or respect for and continuing to play the victim.

I remember before our marriage our Pastor discussed some of the possible challenges we could face in an AGR, particularly on my part, as the younger woman. Illness, Isolation, Boredom, the Father-Daughter syndrome, fear of the future, who takes care of who, and so on. I still remember his voice clear as day when he said this to my OM and I:


"If she were 18 rather than 28, and you were 43 rather than 53, I would refuse to officiate. I would strongly caution you both against this marriage. Not because the relationship was devoid of love, but because the relationship would be devoid of the maturity and commitment the relationship would require when you come face to face with lifes challenges."

I was 29 when my OM and I married. I'd been married once before at 18, and divorced at 21. I had a son at 21. I believed I was quite mature in life experiences at 29. Still, in our 20 years I/we experienced several ups and downs. Before marriage I took his every thought, every word, as promises to me. Were there disappointments? You bet. I questioned whether he saw me more as a daughter, or "help mate", than his wife. And there were times I questioned if I was his "trophy wife." There were times I held onto anger and resentment because he made me feel lonely and isolated. He wanted me home, with him. The things he promised we'd do as a couple, as a family....hunting, camping, fishing. Nope, he did stay busy with kids, sports, etc. But alot of the stuff "We" were supposed to do never came to pass.

Commitment is something everyone wants to make....and keep. And anyone who says it's easy is lying. I had times I wanted to run.

But it wasn't all stickers and thorns. There was enough love, and good things that kept us working at the relationship. And we are together still, married almost nineteen years. He is ill now. I cannot work as paying his care would make working (in my career) cost prohibitive. And he didn't plan well for me. He always thought in terms of "us" saying "We'll always be OK." Not too realistic on my behalf. But I also always thought I could work and contribute to my own retirement nest egg. Ain't happening. It is just one more of those life challenges. I suppose even at 29 I was subject to a bit of infatuation, but I also knew there was love. So unless I'm hit by a bus tomorrow I'll still be here, commited to caring for him. I will likely be starting all over again when I'm in my 50's.

I know I'm rambling. I think what I'm trying to say is that even at 29 I was more naive than I would admit then. I do understand alot of the emotions you describe. They are all valid feelings, because they are your feelings, within your circumstances, your personal situation. And much of your situation comes from the point at which you were operating emotionally when you made your choices and commitments. I can't say what will fix it now for you and your OM. Commitments are meant to be made when one is mature enough to understand the implications. It's not wise for us to believe one will emotionally mature into a commitment made too young (not necessarily chronologically young). I wish you luck because I know it hurts. You have to make some very hard decisions, and determine where you want your life to go from here.

Do you have any idea how many people in same-age relationships have these same complaints? Do you think someone the same age as you would have necessarily been a better partner, particularly if you'd have married another 19-year-old? Maybe you've spent so much time and energy blaming your age difference that you've ignored the fact that what you're really dealing with is a simple matter of incompatibility.

And just because you were "young and naive" doesn't mean he's responsible for the decision you made as a 19 year old adult. At that age people decide to go to war, they decide to commit crimes and go to prison, they decide to marry people of the same age, they decide to have children, and lots of other things. And they're responsible for their own decisions because they're adults. If you think you made a mistake, then you need to own up to your part in it and take whatever steps are necessary to correct it. You're not doing anyone any good staying with someone you have no love or respect for and continuing to play the victim.

Pink has once again read my mind.

The issues you have aren't age gap related.

They are an example of two people who won't compromise, take each other for granted and have horrible communication.

I don't care how old you are or how big or small the age gap - if you can't communicate and if neither partner is willing to meet in the middle and compromise - you are going to have issues.

His mistake is not caring enough or being too stubborn to care about the future and your mistake is not caring enough or being too stubborn about NOW - the time you have remaining.

You could turn around what you say about "he should spoil me now because I'll have to spoil him later" to "I should spend every minute doing what I can with him now and fullfilling his dream of traveling however he wants, because we won't be able to do it later and I can always do what I want after he's gone."

You both need serious counseling.

Dear, It doesn't matter what age you are, or how many years into a r'ship you are until you "get it". When you realize that you co-signed yourself away, then this awareness is blessing. It brings new birth. Nothing new comes easy though. Welcome to your life, welcome to new understanding about yourself. Now, you can grieve, you can be upset...but ultimately, ultimately, you have this awareness and it is yours. YOURS. So, dear, what are you going to do? YOUR awareness is your RESPONSIBILITY. You can't decorate the pity pot forever. You can stay in this place until the pain (by that I mean your awareness that something needs to change) gets even greater, but don't miss this point. YOUR spirit is languishing, your beautiful energy is thwarted...you will lose even more if you don't take action to let go of this anger and bitter resentment, and I can see it happening. This is your beautiful life, so what are YOU going to do with it? Banging this old drum of pain is not going to get you any release, but you are welcome to bang it as long as you want...I think you already have been beating it for a while. I'm sorry this awareness hurts so much. I know what it's like, I really do. I wish this lesson was less painful to learn, but it's not. Sweetie, I know, I know, I know. Lots of us know...and I really am rooting for your growth. I promise that when you let go of this anger, things will start getting better. Acceptance will release you to another place. Underneath anger, is just fear. Big love, RS

There were times I held onto anger and resentment because he made me feel lonely and isolated. He wanted me home, with him. The things he promised we'd do as a couple, as a family....hunting, camping, fishing. Nope, he did stay busy with kids, sports, etc. But alot of the stuff "We" were supposed to do never came to pass.

Commitment is something everyone wants to make....and keep. And anyone who says it's easy is lying. I had times I wanted to run.

Thats marriage all over and not just AG marriages. I married a man my own age the first time and I experienced a lot of the same things. When I was in my 20's and he said we are going to do this one day, I saw that as a promise and when it didnt come to fruition I was angry and bitter.

When kids are involved man things change. There could be hundreds of things that can come to pass when kids are not involved, trips can be planned at the spur of the moment but eventually the couple part changes and its more of a family part and kids have a way of throwing a monkey wrench in plans of vacations, hell, expenses, LIFE has a way of throwing plans away.

I have learned that the key...THE KEY to being happy in marriage is adaptability. Once I learned that I had to adapt to the changes and grow up and let go of the "promises" that I thought he had made or the fantasies of how things were suppose to be I was ok but he couldnt bend and adapt when I started to change and eventually things went bad quickly. Now that years have passed my ex has learned that lesson but too late and he has told our children, I wish I had given your mom more freedom, I wish I could have seen what I was doing but I was too busy trying to make her stay how I remembered her, how I thought she should be that I couldnt see that I should have been getting to know who she was becoming.

It's sad really.

With this new marriage coming up Im determine to not make the same mistakes that he made with my new husband. I know that Clint will grow and change and become someone new and I am determine to not fight that change or become bitter when he does change. I hope to enjoy who he becomes.

Those who survive adapt those who cant adapt, well they get bitter, they get angry, they get resentful and marriages end or drag on.

It's all about rolling with the punches that life throws at you.

Nothing, NOTHING is accomplished by continuing feeling sorry for yourself. Yes, you were young and naive, Yes now looking back you feel that you have been taken advantage of and that maybe your older man should have left you alone because you were naive. Yes now you are angry and feel that you have thrown your life away on a dream, rather than the reality and now the reality of what you have what you can expect makes you angry because this is NOT what you signed up for.

Youre angry, youre bitter, you feel like you wasted years on something that was not real, you dread the life that you see before you, and you feel that you wasted your youth on a man who was not worthy of it and never really took the time to understand you.

So what are YOU going to do about it now? This is what you feel, this is what you have, you cannot change HIM, because he will not change and sticking around nagging at him to change isnt going to do it. So what are YOU going to do? Are you going to live a life with him getting angrier and more bitter and more resentful until just looking at him or hearing his voice makes you grind your teeth and wish he was in the ground already or far away from you so that you could be left alone with your own thoughts?

Or are you going to realize that things are how they are and maybe you can just live your own life within your marriage and yes you can be alone while he is out traveling but stay married but seperate? I have aunts who have gone this route and they are lonely but they also have their own lives and have found their own interested outside of their husbands.

Or will you get divorced and start all over and struggle and in the end realize as you get to know yourself and what youre capable of, that sometimes living as the doll in the relationships being taken care of isnt worth sacrificing yourself for and that you still have your whole life ahead of you and the time to enjoy it with someone who loves you for who you are and what you bring to the relationship outside of your youth and good looks.

... This is your beautiful life, so what are YOU going to do with it? Banging this old drum of pain is not going to get you any release ...

Yes! beautifully written Rebecca

She doesn't have to pay rent, housepayment, food, or utilities. So $450 was OK. However, it sounds like she now gets zero. That's tough.

However, what is his financial situation? If he's NOT much money, then he can't do any better. So at that point, get a job, or leave him, but realize that if it's the best he can do financially, then it's all he can do. So then don't be angry.

If he has plenty of money, then I'd say he's intentionally sending you a message, which is so obvious that I don't need to say what it is.

He makes 6 figures retired, has over $1 mil liquid plus property. His message as of today was: "I love you".


You said you contribure housekeeping. Well, if that's so, and he doesn't appreciate that, or if it doesn't pay well enough, then get that other job and go your seperate ways.

=====

Whatever all is going on here, it's clear to me that the two of you don't belong together. It doesn't matter who is at fault - him or you. Either way, you need to leave. Get that job, move out as soon as you can, and go your seperate ways.

This is where I have a problem. I still love him, but don't want to be hurt and controlled by him anymore, so I'm standing up, speaking out, and taking back control of my life. I start work soon. But, what will that solve? What will leaving him solve? We fell in love years ago, I can't just leave that and give up. Maybe a rough patch takes years of suffering before things get smoothed out. I made the commitment, I don't believe in divorce solving problems, except in abusive relationships. I don't consider this so intolerable that it's worth leaving just yet.

I've been popping in reading responses etc.

It seems people are confused about what it is you posted for?

I know people have seemed pretty harsh at times (myself included) b/c you have shown conflicting views of your relationship.

Did you hope for people to validate your feelings about the situation? To find ones that had a similar occurance? Were you looking for someone to tell you to leave/stay/get couseling or *insert other suggestion here* ?

I've kind of stayed out of this mostly after my initial post(s) but I wonder if you knew what it was you were looking to gain from your thread... ? If you did know, it might be easier for people to help you, know what I mean? If you were looking to validate your feelings about this, it would have been more beneficial to simply say/ask others what THEY would feel in such a situation etc. If you were looking for encouragement to move on with your life, people could tailor their response to what kind of advice/support you were seeking... no offense meant, I'm just making a sincere observation b/c you sound so unhappy and I wish someone could say something more to help you deal with this or support you in someother way.

Good luck with the job sweetie! *hugs*

[QUOTE=ms1;559121]This is where I have a problem. I still love him...

Maybe I've missed something here, but we've just gone 56 messages and this is the first time you mentioned anything about loving him. Good! Love is a good thing. This gives all of a us a better idea of where you're coming from AND where you can go. You're right, divorce is not in the cards. You asked what getting a job will solve. It levels the playing field between you and the man you love. He will know you have worth, and , more importantly, YOU will know you have worth. Take the job, and the first paycheck you get, take him out to dinner. Buy him flowers and take him dancing. If that doesn't confuse the guy, nothing will. Besides, it'll make you feel better.

Give it a shot,
Mike

view point-opinion from another 20+ year AGR:

ms1 was 19 when she married. An adult? Yes, but barely. Of legal age to make the decision to marry? Yes. Chronological age does not always equate to emotional age. IMHO, a young woman of 19 is certainly going to count upon, believe in, and invest all her trust in a man well over twice her age (at that point) who promises to make her happy and take care of her. Because of his maturity, wisdom, and persona of authority she believes wholely in his promises to provide love, happiness and security. If ms1 was 39, and he 65 when they married, general expectations might be much the same, but tempered down as by this age the younger woman has the benefit of life experience and emotional maturity. The OM would already be on the horizon of retirement and his plans would be more clear than they were when he was 45.

I'd venture to say ms1's situation is NOT an AGR issue, or a even a money issue in so much as its a generational values issue. IMHO the issue is a "LOSS" of expectations, and feeling betrayed that his promises, spoken or implied, aren't being kept. He's retired, and feels entitled to travel and enjoy the money he's earned through his life's hard work. He wants to enjoy the companionship of his wife. Well, HE chose a much younger woman to share this life with who statistically will be left behind. HE made that choice, and with that choice comes responsibility to provide for her future too. If he couldn't financially provide for her future, he should not prevent her in preparing for her own. Seems now he's changing the playing field, raising the stakes, and changing all the rules (promises).

He doesn't have as many years as she will (statistically) to live life and enjoy, and she won't have sufficient years to prepare for her retirement after he's gone. Not if she spends her earning years travelling with him instead of working. Unless he provides for her retirement years in lieu of her working to earn her own, he CANNOT reasonably expect her to travel and be happy about it. It's unreasonable to expect her to live HIS retirement HIS way, only to end up with no retirement, and her youthful earning years mostly behind her. That situation does amount to "sacrificing her youthful years," and her future security.

If he provides for her present and future retirement to compensate for her idle earning years, then it's a whole different story. If not, he's behaving incredibly selfish and inconsiderate.

Wow, I just read your response. I have to say you hit it right on the head. Thank you for helping to express those points. There are many, many issues to deal with in any relationship, an age gap only adds more issues to the whole package.

I have struggled with how to deal with my OM's retirement and my 25yrs. of working time left till retirement, in addition to his stubborn, defiant, and competitive persona, (which doesn't make decision, problem solving, and moments of compromising any easier). It seems as he ages he becomes more cranky and inconsiderate of my feelings because he wants to do what he wants as he sees his life coming to an end sooner rather than later.

If I go traveling with him I leave my aging mother behind, with noone to care for her in her times of need. I leave my career, which is my safety net, without which at this moment in time when he has cut me off because I'm not doing as he wishes, would leave me penniless, homeless, and hungry.

If I go with him, I get the company of the man I fell in love with 20yrs. ago, the man I chose to live the rest of my life with, the man I cared for, the man I will have to care for in old age. He gets my company.

Traveling around the world with the OM sounds great doesn't it? But what happens when he slows down, gets sick, can't travel, needs care? Who will be the one there for him? His YW!

Who will be there for me? Who will care for me in old age? Who will make my fears of life and death in old age go away? Who will comfort me?

Can anyone understand why I feel resentment toward my OM? Can anyone understand why he, being the mature part of us, should have known better?

The AGR was great when I was young, looking up to this person, admiring, loving, caring for, adoring this sexy, handsome, secure OM. Now that I'm 40, I'm still attracted to middle age men, but I'm approaching middle age, and that attraction is more appropriate. When I look at my OM, I see his aging, at 60 a man ages fast, and I don't see the things I used to both in his physical and mental acuity.

People in AGR's don't want to hear this stuff.:no:

But what happens when he slows down, gets sick, can't travel, needs care? Who will be the one there for him? His YW!

Who will be there for me? Who will care for me in old age? Who will make my fears of life and death in old age go away? Who will comfort me?

Can anyone understand why I feel resentment toward my OM? Can anyone understand why he, being the mature part of us, should have known better?
If your resentment comes from the mere fact that he's older than you, that he may need care at some point, and that he will likely not be around when you're elderly, then no I can't understand your point of view. Understanding that he was older than you and would probably die sooner didn't require a great deal of maturity or sophistication, it required basic math skills. Unless he hid some health concern from you or lied about his age, you both had exactly equal information regarding the difference between your ages. All the money and personality issues keep getting brushed aside (though those seem like more reasonable causes of resentment) and it keeps coming back to this in your posts, that your resentment is due to the simple fact that he's older than you are.

People in AGR's don't want to hear this stuff.:no:
Actually, it seems like most people in AGR's already think about this quite often. It's a concern that's come up on this board time and time again. But people who continue in these relationships have to decide that it's worth it anyways and not resent their partner simply for being a different age.

You just don't get it.

He has chosen to make my life more difficult because I won't travel with him in HIS retirement. He has chosen to not give me money for food because I won't travel with him. When I traveled with him, and we lived in a van for months at a time, and I expressed my dissatisfaction with that lifestyle, and decided I would not tolerate this lifestyle for myself anymore, he cut me off and told me to get a job.

Well, I got one, and when he found out, did he say congrats? Did he support me? Nope, he realized his young wife no longer was going to put up with his lifestyle which was all about him, he got scared, he felt lonely without me, he was so sad. Good, good for him, and he got in his van and spent 4 months traveling, away from his wife who painted his 2 story house all by herself.

Honey's, it is about the person, but it's also about the age. People build lives together, lives don't build people together. When a man is 66 and his wife is 40, she looks at the life ahead of her wondering if her future is secure, wondering if she'll have great sex in her prime with her OM, wondering if her partner in life will be there in times of need like she will be in his times of need. She wonders if she'll have a retirement partner like her OM has, she wonders how she'll deal with the loneliness. All of that is related to the differences in age.

So, I ask again, how do you deal with these problems? If anyone has any constructive advice, other than saying it's love, you knew what you were getting yourself into, anyone can have these problems, etc. please do give.

... If I go traveling with him I leave my aging mother behind, with noone to care for her in her times of need ...

A new problem. I was wondering when the next new problem would pop up.

... Traveling around the world with the OM sounds great doesn't it? But what happens when he slows down, gets sick, can't travel, needs care ...

What does one have to do with the other?

... Who will be the one there for him? His YW ...

If you were the same age, would somebody else be there for him, or just an older you?

... Who will be there for me? Who will care for me in old age? Who will make my fears of life and death in old age go away? Who will comfort me ...

If you were the same age, statistically he would still die before you. The answer to your question is, the same person will be there for you that would be there for you if you and your man were the same age. If there is nobody there, like a brother or sister, a child, a best friend, that's your fault.

... Can anyone understand why I feel resentment toward my OM ...

No!

... Can anyone understand why he, being the mature part of us, should have known better ...

Its all his fault, eh? Your insistance on being a victim indicates arrested emotional development.

... People in AGR's don't want to hear this stuff ...

So what point are you making, that you are better informed, more intelligent, more open minded, a rung above the rest of us? Your comment is a sign of poor self esteem.

You haven't shown any keen interest in the advice you've received either.

... he, being the mature part of us ...

I won't argue with you there.

You still haven't answered the question, what is the purpose for this thread? Just to tell us we don't want to read your selfish pity party?

I would like to point out to you and all the emotional roller coaster this thread has gone through. He's bad, he's worse, he's even more worse.....I don't want to leave him, I love him ....... You keep making your situation sound worse and worse until members begin advising you to leave, afterwards you begin affirming you love him and don't want to leave. Your tone changes.

If you loved him you would not be here publicly criticizing him the way you have. Love has nothing to do with your reason for not leaving him. You don't leave him because you are afraid to leave him. Your motives are purely self serving. You have no self esteem. You are unhappy. You feel trapped because you are afraid to leave, yet you no longer want to share your life with him. And you are taking it all out on him, rather than owning your own emotional condition. Your resistance to own your own emotional condition is another sign of arrested emotional development.

We will never have a clear picture of what's going on here until we have his side of the story. The people who have advised counseling have given you the best advice, what further advice would you need?

the old guy

You just don't get it.
No, I just don't agree.

He has chosen to make my life more difficult because I won't travel with him in HIS retirement. He has chosen to not give me money for food because I won't travel with him. When I traveled with him, and we lived in a van for months at a time, and I expressed my dissatisfaction with that lifestyle, and decided I would not tolerate this lifestyle for myself anymore, he cut me off and told me to get a job.

Well, I got one, and when he found out, did he say congrats? Did he support me? Nope, he realized his young wife no longer was going to put up with his lifestyle which was all about him, he got scared, he felt lonely without me, he was so sad. Good, good for him, and he got in his van and spent 4 months traveling, away from his wife who painted his 2 story house all by herself.
These are personality and lifestyle issues, not age issues.

Honey's, it is about the person, but it's also about the age. People build lives together, lives don't build people together. When a man is 66 and his wife is 40, she looks at the life ahead of her wondering if her future is secure, wondering if she'll have great sex in her prime with her OM, wondering if her partner in life will be there in times of need like she will be in his times of need. She wonders if she'll have a retirement partner like her OM has, she wonders how she'll deal with the loneliness. All of that is related to the differences in age.
These are things that understandably cause distress, but are not his fault. You both knew what your age difference was and neither of you had any power to change that, nor do you now. The only thing he could have done was to tell you that you weren't mature enough to make the decision to enter into a relationship with him. If you think all older partners should do that, I know a hell of a lot of younger partners, many heartbroken because they were second-guessed in exactly that way, who would disagree with you.

These are the (condensed) points I initially weighed in on:


YW's work = retirement savings

YW's Travel with OM = no retirement earnings by YW.

OM's plans put YW at financial disadvantage in later years.

OM does not offer compensatory provision for YW's future should she go along with his plans to travel.
************************************************** ************************************************** *

Here's a question...


Apparently YW and OM didn't discuss OM's retirement plans twenty years ago, at 19 and 45 years of age.

IF OM and YW discussed plans at any time before actual retirement, did they agree? Was his plan cool with BOTH???




************************************************** ************************************************** ****

More questions:

Do either OM or YW feel the love in the relationship is purely one-sided?

Do both feel the obligation to make "comfort concessions?" Or, does YW feel only she is expected to make concessions?

Is one of them too rigid, and unwilling to compromise?

Does YW feel OM is cutting her ($) off emotionally and materially to manipulate things his way?

Does YW feel OM's role is evolving from spouse to "Father" and punishing as if she were a disobedient child? IT HAPPENS! (Not all AGR's, but it does happen).


************************************************** **************************************************
ms1,
You asked for constructive advice on how to deal with your feelings.
Lots of questions for you to analyze. The suggestion of counselling, individual and joint, sounds so cliche', yet I can't think of any solutions other than that.
I have some idea of how change in a spouses health, personality, and behavior affect our perceptions. Resentment rears its ugly head if we feel a spouse could have avoided or controlled those changes by caring more for themselves, and caring more about us.

I realize this is an old thread, but I just had to weight in on one point. You talk about no one being there for you in your old age because he's "so much older".

My grandmother differed from my grandfather by only 3 years, yet she outlived him by 16. 16 years is a long time to be alone when you only married someone 3 years your senior! During that time she had grandkids who visited her, drove her places, cared for her, took her to the doctor and surrounded her with love. She was never alone, despite more than a decade and a half as a widow. That's what family is for! Like GEO said, when your SO is gone, you get the care from your family and friends --- and if you don't have any, it's not his fault.

You are not a victim, but read like a martyr, you KNOW what's going on here, and you cant' change him. I personally can't support you. When I "give" from the heart, I expect nothing in return. Nothing. That is not love in my world and I have a beautiful r'ship with a man who gives from his heart. Have you read "Gift of the Magi" lately?

Entitlement issues make me cringe. Good luck to you and don't miss the lesson.

I absolutely agree with the sentence in bold.

Honestly, this whole thread makes me cringe. Why? I don't understand how someone is supposed to owe you the world. You are too busy pointing the finger, when I said earlier, it starts with YOU. You only have the power to change your happiness.

What's so bad about doing housework and why do you expect something in return from him? You don't work, so thats the least you can do. I bet you think the man is supposed to do everything for you and cater to your every need while you don't have to do anything. WRONG.

The whining is unbelievable. This whole thread screams selfishness. I can totally understand why he is by you. Do the man a favor, and go ahead and leave. He needs to find someone who really appreciates him.

I realize this is an old thread, but I just had to weight in on one point. You talk about no one being there for you in your old age because he's "so much older".

My grandmother differed from my grandfather by only 3 years, yet she outlived him by 16. 16 years is a long time to be alone when you only married someone 3 years your senior! During that time she had grandkids who visited her, drove her places, cared for her, took her to the doctor and surrounded her with love. She was never alone, despite more than a decade and a half as a widow. That's what family is for! Like GEO said, when your SO is gone, you get the care from your family and friends --- and if you don't have any, it's not his fault.

We don't have family. There will be noone there for me. I am there for him. He won't be there for me. When you experience the loneliness and lack of companionship in older life because your life partner is gone, then we'll talk. I see what my mom is going through, she has been without my dad for 14yrs., she depends on me, I am there for her, she thanks me and I feel she appreciates what I do. I won't have that from my OM, he will be gone. He has me, and my companionship, I won't have his, this is not comforting. I will be lonely, and alone, and having to do for myself, with no life partner.

If this means nothing to you, you are selfish. Life with someone is about having that partnership, working together, providing for each other. He owes it to me to make life with him while we are alive better for us because of what I will face in the future without him. I want good memories, not fear of living old age alone and helpless.

Honestly, this whole thread makes me cringe. Why? I don't understand how someone is supposed to owe you the world. You are too busy pointing the finger, when I said earlier, it starts with YOU. You only have the power to change your happiness.

Does this also go for 2 people involved in marriage, when we are a pair, in life together?

What's so bad about doing housework and why do you expect something in return from him? You don't work, so thats the least you can do. I bet you think the man is supposed to do everything for you and cater to your every need while you don't have to do anything. WRONG.

The whining is unbelievable. This whole thread screams selfishness. I can totally understand why he is by you. Do the man a favor, and go ahead and leave. He needs to find someone who really appreciates him.

Who's selfish? He goes on vacation for a month while his YW starts a new job. She needs his support to get her through the times when she's exhausted from working all day, where is he? On vacation for a month, gone for the summer, is that a partnership? Is that fair?

I appreciated the a-hole for 20+yrs. of my life, loved him to death. What does he do, uses his YW for sex and housework, retires, goes on trips, tells her if she travels w/him she gets $1000/mo but if she doesn't she has to go to work? She goes to work, is that selfish? Or should I be a ***** and sell out to the OM?

How old are you? Is there anyone in there mid 60's with a 40yr. old YW out there? You're all wrong in thinking I want to be primped, I just want equality and companionship and love for the rest of my life, with the man I chose and loved.

What happens when the YW has the rest of her life to work and the OM retires? Do I give up my life and depend on him, to make him happy and share my life with him as he lives his life out, or do I continue with my life as I would if I were with a man my own age?

I never thought I'd feel like I'm missing out in life, but I am missing out on sharing moments with someone my own age who can identify with me in life the moments we are going through and not try to be a father figure who has lived these moments. I think the OM reading this and the YW either don't feel it yet or are so in denial and trying to justify how right an AGR is that they can't see this side of what I'm going through. The OM want to believe they are sexually vital and desired by a YW, it's exciting and makes them feel good. The YW wants to feel comfort and stability from the OM.

This thread makes my head spin. I have a 29 year gap, myself a yw and I just pray that 20 years from now I wouldn't be mad at the the world for choosing to love my OM.

MS1, please move on and be the change you want to see. This forum is not much help to you at this point.

Good Luck

SO, you don't want to hear the bad side do you? I, like yourselves, was deeply in love too. Then, as we aged, times changed. He went his way in retirement, I went my way in life. You'll see...maybe...

Enough with the superiority complex, ms1. People are trying to give you perspective and advice and you're simply ignoring it and continuing the same harangue. What is it that you want? You've gotten pages and pages of thoughtful responses, but all you do is continue to complain about this man you claim to love and insist that it will turn out the same way for everyone else. This is really getting sad. If you have a problem, identify it and solve it. What you're doing isn't helping anyone, and it seems to me that the person in denial is you, because you keep insisting that this problem is about age gaps rather than something specific to your own relationship and the people in it. Unless you recognize the nature of the problems you're having you're never going to solve them and you're probably going to repeat them in other relationships.

I agree with Pink Panther and Decent Hostess. You're having a pity party and just want everyone to agree with you. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. You can't impose your life on everyone else and assume that they will all be like you, and their relationships will be like yours. You CHOSE this companion, and you CHOSE this lifestyle. Now you want everyone's sympathy because it didn't turn out to your liking.

By the way, whose to say you'll be alone all your life after he's gone? Lots of people find companionship later in life. There are even personals ads and online dating sites specifically for seniors seeking love, if you find yourself alone at that point. This isn't the 1950's anymore. People of all ages are meeting new people and getting married all the time!

If you're so unhappy, then stop complaining, do something about it, and find someone you'll be happy with.

Grab your own cajones and divorce him...you are obviously miserable. You will be taken care of in the divorce settlement. You will have to work. You will have to find care for your mom. You can make girlfriends and new men friends and have folks to get old and die with. If you don't leave, stop complaining. When was the last time you two had an honest discussion about the future of your marraige?

Hi MS1,

I just wanted to add a few thoughts that you might find useful....

I spent 10 years of my young life with a man who although not older than me I considered at the time to have taken 10 years of my youth and time with his bad quality treatment of me.

Like you I pulled my guts out renovating a house with little help from him, as well as bailing him out of financial problems always at my own expense putting my own credit rating in serious problems. I moved mountains trying to make him live up to his side of what I considered to be an emotional "contract" ....Like you I had certain beliefs as to what both parties were expected to give back and forth, conditions I expected would be honoured by him without me having to drag him along.

I laboured on for pointless years in vain, being the man and the woman in the relationship while he drank, never helped me, refused to awknowledge my needs, never supported me or saw my point of view in anything.

I pushed on knowing deep down that it wasnt right but becuase of the time, money end emotional cost I had already "invested" I was loathe to pull out before I got what I thought I should. Needless to say what I should have got never came. The man in question never recognised any "contract" and we were proceeding with a totally different set of beliefs.

He was happy to take everything I had to give and would still be doing so if I had not come to my senses and realised that nothing was coming to me and there was no point throwing good love/time/energy after bad.

I got away and am now in a blissful relationship with an angel 10 years younger than me. I look back on those dark days and rue the misery I made for myself by refusing to accept that I alone could not make things right.

If you think you are sad/dissappointed/bitter now I will only say, think how much worse you will feel years down the line. From what you say, he is stubborn in his conditions and is not planning to change.

I feel for you because I know how tired you must be and how galling it feels to think you might have to accept the last 20 years are somewhat "wasted" but if I could give you one piece of advice, if you want to listen, it is waste no more of your precious time....

I hope you will work it out....

Just wondering if the OP has a man that is after her, and she has not said a thing about it...

Hmmm :confused:

Just wondering if the OP has a man that is after her, and she has not said a thing about it...

Hmmm :confused:


This is funny, I thought of the same EXACT thing.
I feel there is no help from us anymore. I read the same responses from you, over and over again.:banghead:
It's obvious, you're right and we're wrong, and its sad that you won't open your eyes to the obvious. We cannot validate your thinking because most of us simply don't agree. It starts with YOU to make your own happiness, not your "a-hole" husband.

SO, you don't want to hear the bad side do you? I, like yourselves, was deeply in love too. Then, as we aged, times changed. He went his way in retirement, I went my way in life. You'll see...maybe....

It is not that I don't want to hear the bad side. I just want to urge you to do something for yourself and come out of that unhappy situation. If for any reason you don't want to make a change in your life inspite of all the sad stories you have told us, then you must have a serious psychological problem that you need to solve with the help of a counsellor. Please get help and start tasting happiness and healthy living.

Good Luck.

'Be the change you want to see'.
Gandhi

Enough with the superiority complex, ms1. People are trying to give you perspective and advice and you're simply ignoring it and continuing the same harangue. What is it that you want? You've gotten pages and pages of thoughtful responses, but all you do is continue to complain about this man you claim to love and insist that it will turn out the same way for everyone else. This is really getting sad. If you have a problem, identify it and solve it. What you're doing isn't helping anyone, and it seems to me that the person in denial is you, because you keep insisting that this problem is about age gaps rather than something specific to your own relationship and the people in it. Unless you recognize the nature of the problems you're having you're never going to solve them and you're probably going to repeat them in other relationships.

I am superior. I was born and blessed with athletic ability and an intelligent mind. Thanks to my parents and god for that.

I am not ignoring the advice people give, I simply don't agree with it.

I want advice from couples who are at a crossroads in their relationships, where one is retired and the other is 25yrs. away from retirement age. I want to know how that is handled, does the YW not work, who pays bills, what are the agreements like, what's fair?

The problem is age gap related because most people don't retire at my age (40), they retire at 65 (his age). Most people work together their whole lives to build a fortune of homes and money for retirement. They don't enter a relationship where the OM has more than the YW and lets her know it's all his, they share what they work for together, they don't tell their YW to go out and get a job while the OM travels the world in the style he likes. They don't abandon their spouse to travel because they feel like their life has to be lived now before it's too late.

How is your new job going? Are you working already? I hope you are and that you are enjoying it.

I am superior.
Oh ms1, there is nothing I can say about this except that for the first time in a long time I'm glad someone is miserable. Call me awful but its starting to sound like you kind of deserve the way you're being treated. If I were your husbands divorce attorney I'd make sure you got zip.

On another note- Summer Bob is right. My Grandmother and Grandfather were married when he was 22 and she was 18. They had one son and three daughters. By their 25th wedding anniversary my Grandmother lost her only son (to a car accident) and her husband (to lung cancer) within two years. This coming September would be their 63rd wedding anniversary. My Grandmother is deeply lonely despite her ten Grandkids, six step-grandkids and three great grand-kids, she misses the love of her life.

If you whined like this to my Grandmother she would tell you that you are selfish because she would give up whatever years she has left just to feel his arms around her one more time.

The point of this is how badly would you feel if you lost him tomorrow? God forbid something happens... my Grandmother has lived the past 38 years in agony because the other half of her is gone, because every one of our faces remind her of him.

Don't waste the time you have with bitterness. It breaks my heart that you obviously love him on some level but have to fight over all the petty stuff. Because in the end- most of it is petty stuff.

I am superior. I was born and blessed with athletic ability and an intelligent mind.
And I guess the rest of us are just drooling morons. I suggest you use all that "superior" intellect and get yourself out of the problem you've gotten yourself into. You apparently don't need any of our advice so I wonder what it is you're waiting on, besides someone to agree with what you already think.

I am superior. I was born and blessed with athletic ability and an intelligent mind. Thanks to my parents and god for that.

I am not ignoring the advice people give, I simply don't agree with it.

I want advice from couples who are at a crossroads in their relationships, where one is retired and the other is 25yrs. away from retirement age. I want to know how that is handled, does the YW not work, who pays bills, what are the agreements like, what's fair?

The problem is age gap related because most people don't retire at my age (40), they retire at 65 (his age). Most people work together their whole lives to build a fortune of homes and money for retirement. They don't enter a relationship where the OM has more than the YW and lets her know it's all his, they share what they work for together, they don't tell their YW to go out and get a job while the OM travels the world in the style he likes. They don't abandon their spouse to travel because they feel like their life has to be lived now before it's too late.

I'm 33 my husband is 62. I just stopped working two months ago and he still works, he will always work because he owns a business.
He pays all the bills, I use his credit card for grocery shoppings and he puts money into my personal acct for my personal use.

We don't have many agreements, whenever stuff comes up we talk about it.

He does not say that everything is his. He uses the word 'our'. Our car, our property, our money etc. He much prefers to travel with me and he is happy to see me go out with