Very confused OM

Okay I have a question. I have recently met someone 20 years younger than me. I am quite confused and do not quite know how to handle it. She seems to vary between hot and cold towards me in her behavior, in that sometimes she seems very foward and at other times very hesistant.

To get to the gist of it her freind has set up a trip for around three days during upcoming spring break. It is just going to be her freind and the freinds boyfreind, and me and the younger woman.

To be quite honest I do not know how to handle it primarily because of my age and also because I cannot figure out this younger woman. I will admit I am very much attracted to her, but hesitant at the same time. Does anyone have any advice? I can provide a little more information if neccesary.

Thanks,

Hector

Go with the flow, go on the trip, do not have any expectations other than to enjoy yourself, and see what happens. Life is short, enjoy.

George

The hot/cold thing might just be nervousness. Treat her like you would any friend or acquaintance at this point. Just get to know her better and have fun on the trip.

It's understandable that you feel a bit nervous because you feel you might not fit in, but just be your self. You are who you are and you can't do anything about your age so just be you; either she likes you for you or she doesn't. Don't try to be hip as it usually comes off laughable at best.


My om is 59 and he gets along well with all my friends who are all in their 20's by just being him!

It's understandable that you feel a bit nervous because you feel you might not fit in, but just be your self. You are who you are and you can't do anything about your age so just be you; either she likes you for you or she doesn't. Don't try to be hip as it usually comes off laughable at best.


My om is 59 and he gets along well with all my friends who are all in their 20's by just being him!

Thanks.. No I do act just like myself and I get along well with her freinds, who are in their 20's. I am 42, and she is 22. I have known her for a a little over 2 months and I am pretty sure she knows that I am attracted to her. I am just very hesitant about things because of the age difference. This keeps me from acting the way I normally would because, I do not want to come across as an old lecher or something like that. I am pretty much assuming that the trip will tell the tale as the other two people going are already a couple.

Hector

Think about what it will be like when you're 62 and she's 42. I'm going through something similar now and as I've spent my whole adult life with my OM, I now see, through the wisdom I've gained/learned, the problems.

I am beginning to view the OM as a greedy person who's overwhelming need at middle age is to feel like a man in all ways. This conflict in wondering if you're doing the right thing comes from knowing you're not doing the right thing or what's best for the YW, and you should feel awkward and people will look at you funny, especially as you age and she still looks young.

But, I'm probably biased because of the issues I'm dealing with in my relationship so take words with a grain of salt. I think you should talk to OM/YW couples where the OM is 65+ and see how it's going.

Think about what it will be like when you're 62 and she's 42. I'm going through something similar now and as I've spent my whole adult life with my OM, I now see, through the wisdom I've gained/learned, the problems.

I am beginning to view the OM as a greedy person who's overwhelming need at middle age is to feel like a man in all ways. This conflict in wondering if you're doing the right thing comes from knowing you're not doing the right thing or what's best for the YW, and you should feel awkward and people will look at you funny, especially as you age and she still looks young.

But, I'm probably biased because of the issues I'm dealing with in my relationship so take words with a grain of salt. I think you should talk to OM/YW couples where the OM is 65+ and see how it's going.

Yes, that is probably part of the problem. I honestly do not know where this is going to go. Yes it is very confusing, and to be honest again I am a little at war with myself. I think this is probably a common problem among older men.

In my defense I am in extremely good physical condition and hope (cross my fingers) to remain that way. I am not your typical 42 year old.
Also with the advance of medicine and technology maybe this will not be as big a problem in the future.

My man at 42 was also in great shape and looked much younger, he could have passed for mid to late 20's. He still is in great shape for his age, he's got a 6 pack, all his hair and teeth, but I notice the changes. He's not as sharp, complains about the knees and back, doesn't do what he did at 45, 50, or even 60, stumbles over words.

Aging after 60 occurs rapidly, it's difficult to see the changes. He has tons of energy still, but as for the meds, viagara isn't all that for him, and that's a bummer.

This is stuff you have to think about. I didn't care when I was 19 and he 44, then it was 30 and 56, then 40 and 66. It's not all about looks at this point, but I find myself looking at youthful men in their 30's and 40's. I'm still young and vibrant, with a different outlook on life. Things to consider, good luck.

My man at 42 was also in great shape and looked much younger, he could have passed for mid to late 20's. He still is in great shape for his age, he's got a 6 pack, all his hair and teeth, but I notice the changes. He's not as sharp, complains about the knees and back, doesn't do what he did at 45, 50, or even 60, stumbles over words.

Aging after 60 occurs rapidly, it's difficult to see the changes. He has tons of energy still, but as for the meds, viagara isn't all that for him, and that's a bummer.

This is stuff you have to think about. I didn't care when I was 19 and he 44, then it was 30 and 56, then 40 and 66. It's not all about looks at this point, but I find myself looking at youthful men in their 30's and 40's. I'm still young and vibrant, with a different outlook on life. Things to consider, good luck.

Did you think he would get younger and stronger as he aged :rolleyes::eek:So you are unhappy in your relationship, it doesn't mean that you should try to spread your unhappiness around the site.

To the OP, don't let anyone scare you into thinking all age gap relationships will result in unhappiness. It works for some and it doesn't work for others just like same age relationships. Just go with the flow and see where things lead as long as your intentions are good.

He's not as sharp, complains about the knees and back... stumbles over words.
That sounds like me, and I'm 28.

Getting involved with anyone long term means being realistic about your future and taking responsibility for your own choices. If you don't do that, then it's a good bet that you'll wind up unhappy down the road. That's not a negative aspect of age gap relationships, it's a negative aspect of not being realistic.

Please don't talk about age gap relationships as if yours is typical of them all. It isn't. I think most of the conflicted feelings people have when venturing into a relationship like this is because so many people think they know what your motivations are and judge you according to their own assumptions. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone, and I'd rather not see people doing it here. It's fine to say that people need to be reasonable about their expectations and think about any possible future with a potential partner, but it's way over the line to accuse an entire demographic of being greedy and not wanting what's best for their partners.

That sounds like me, and I'm 28.

Getting involved with anyone long term means being realistic about your future and taking responsibility for your own choices. If you don't do that, then it's a good bet that you'll wind up unhappy down the road. That's not a negative aspect of age gap relationships, it's a negative aspect of not being realistic.

Please don't talk about age gap relationships as if yours is typical of them all. It isn't. I think most of the conflicted feelings people have when venturing into a relationship like this is because so many people think they know what your motivations are and judge you according to their own assumptions. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone, and I'd rather not see people doing it here. It's fine to say that people need to be reasonable about their expectations and think about any possible future with a potential partner, but it's way over the line to accuse an entire demographic of being greedy and not wanting what's best for their partners.

Thanks for the support. Yes I am already quite conflicted as it is. I do wonder if a relationship did work out, how things would be in the future because of the age difference. I really do not know if it is going to lead anywhere but I want to explore the possibility. And no I do not think of myself as greedy and I have the best of intentions.

I want to explore the possibility. And no I do not think of myself as greedy and I have the best of intentions.

Good! Keep that attitude and go have a nice time. Life's far too short to miss the great opportunities when they are made available to us.

Wishing you the best, whatever that turns out to be,
Mike

AGRs relationships are not easy at first. Go with the flow, relationships may or may not happen, they may or may not last forever, treat this as you would any relationship with a woman your age.

I am sure that you have met women your age who are hot/cold, so forget the age gap.

P.S. MS1, I would kindly remind you that your comments affect other people in this forum who are not only YW/OM but also OW/YM.

Reality is reality and my relationship with my OM is reality. It may not be what you want to hear but it's real, and it's a side of the AGR.:yes:

I am experiencing the consequences that come with an age gap relationship, and it's real. I am living it. And, yes, it's not positive, but it's real.:yes:

I also know another couple going through the same thing. The OM needs care at home, the YW is still vital. Is it fair for her to give up the rest of her life to care him?

I know another couple where the OM was 70, the YW 20. She came from a foreign country, had the man's child, lived with the man for yrs. then the man let her go because he knew he was too old for her. She remarried someone her age and is happy. Heartwrenching.

When I look back I see that the man gets the benefit of having a young, beautiful woman by his side for all of his friends to admire and oogle over, he has a partner for life, a nurse in old age. The woman will most likely die alone, her life partner gone, and she lonely in old age.

Is that good? Is that fair to the older person? It's something that I never considered until my OM started feeling the creaks of old age. Now, I deal with it, suck it up, but live knowing the reality of the situation.

If I had 1 piece of advice, it would be to treat your YW like a queen, shower her with love, devotion, affection, take her places, do things for her, adore her, make her never doubt your love for her, so that when the OM passes and the YW is left alone, she can look back upon good memories and never regret a moment she lived with the OM.:cheers:

Reality is reality and my relationship with my OM is reality. It may not be what you want to hear but it's real, and it's a side of the AGR.:yes:

I am experiencing the consequences that come with an age gap relationship, and it's real. I am living it. And, yes, it's not positive, but it's real.:yes:

I also know another couple going through the same thing. The OM needs care at home, the YW is still vital. Is it fair for her to give up the rest of her life to care him?

I know another couple where the OM was 70, the YW 20. She came from a foreign country, had the man's child, lived with the man for yrs. then the man let her go because he knew he was too old for her. She remarried someone her age and is happy. Heartwrenching.

When I look back I see that the man gets the benefit of having a young, beautiful woman by his side for all of his friends to admire and oogle over, he has a partner for life, a nurse in old age. The woman will most likely die alone, her life partner gone, and she lonely in old age.

Is that good? Is that fair to the older person? It's something that I never considered until my OM started feeling the creaks of old age. Now, I deal with it, suck it up, but live knowing the reality of the situation.

If I had 1 piece of advice, it would be to treat your YW like a queen, shower her with love, devotion, affection, take her places, do things for her, adore her, make her never doubt your love for her, so that when the OM passes and the YW is left alone, she can look back upon good memories and never regret a moment she lived with the OM.:cheers:

Hey if this potential relationship did work out, I would definitely appreciate her, believe me. Also you do seem a little bitter at the same time. Looking foward to the future there is something called nanotechnology which may eventually put this issue to rest! And actually at this point I am still trying to determine if the attraction is really mutual. That is what this trip I am going to take will most likely tell.

When I look back I see that the man gets the benefit of having a young, beautiful woman by his side for all of his friends to admire and oogle over, he has a partner for life, a nurse in old age. The woman will most likely die alone, her life partner gone, and she lonely in old age.

Is that good? Is that fair to the older person? It's something that I never considered until my OM started feeling the creaks of old age.
Yet again, I think this is a large part of the problem in your situation. And now you're resentful of something he cannot help and that should have been obvious from the start. And you're assuming negative motivations on the part of the older partner, which is essentially just bigotry and ignores the fact that you chose to be in this relationship just like he did. This is a fear I've read in many posts here, that the younger partner isn't really being realistic about the future and will become resentful eventually. But the facts of the matter are that not all elderly people require care, and that anyone can become disabled. I have a friend from high school with MS and her husband, who is the same age, will likely have to care for her and their child. That's what commitment means. It doesn't just mean you'll be there when things are good, but that you'll be there when things are tough and work to make them better. If there is some reason you do not feel that this relationship warrants that kind of commitment, then that is an issue within your relationship that needs to be resolved.

This is the kind of issue that needs to be considered in every committed relationship. Perhaps the odds are higher in an AGR, but there is always a possibility that a partner will be in an accident or become ill. There's also always the chance that there will be a lack of communication, or money problems, or resentment, or sexual incompatibility, or any other problem that can come up when two people try to mesh their lives together. These are not age gap problems, they are relationship problems.