I need some advice here, please

I need some advice here.

My YW (21) and I had been dating for almost a year. We are so in love with each other. We saw our children in each other's eyes. Abruptly, our relationship was terminated by her mother. A relationship that had nothing wrong, makes breaking up is very painful on both sides. (They have never met me – I am white and older, she is Hindu-Trinidadian). Her happiness noted by both family and friends since we had been together was not a consideration.

She lives in a closed family and although she is leaving the country in five months, she is still under the parents thumb.

So two weeks ago she asked me for time.” Six months” to get her head together, time to be under her parent’s radar in my regards, time to get things together.

However at the same time she started really outright flirting “hot hot” on a community site, to “fill the gap” as she put it, and has now met someone in the city she is moving to. This fantasy world has come into her life and she has come right out and told me she likes him. She talks to him almost daily. Yet at the same time she is asking me to wait.

It is a major issue with me as I feel she is already in another relationship, albeit long distance until 5 months from now.
Am I wrong here? Is she already in another relationship?

Do I back right out of her life, wish her luck and exit stage left?

Or do I wait the six months she has asked while she pursues this relationship?

I am lost confused and beside myself.

I want to be with her so bad, yet the idea of any relationship with another man just destroys all desires for intimacy, any feelings of love are being turned inside out and upside down. I already know that I would never go back with her if she started another relationship with another man, this one or anyone.

Looking for advice that is so needed. Or am I just blinded by love?

Would this be okay if she was the same age as you? Asking you to put your life on hold while she dates another man? In my book, getting your head together means introspection, not finding some "gap" to fill with someone else. I can't speculate on her reasoning here, but what she's doing amounts to keeping you on the back burner in case this new thing doesn't work out.

I made a long reply and I lost it.arrgh!

This must be very painful for you. You already know the answer, as you said it more than once. I would have suggested that you waited for her if she wanted to live on her own for a while and gain some independence. However this is totally different and she has already begun another relationship. It is obvious that she doesn't want a serious relationship right now and nothing is wrong with that; it is unfair however to ask you to wait for her while she engages in another relationship. Some people might be ok with that, but I know I wouldn't accept that.

When I was 22 I went abroad for two years because I wanted to be on my own for a while, but I continued my relationship with my om. It was hard for him to wait for me but he did because he knew I loved him and I just wanted to sort my feelings out without his direct influence. I returned to him after confirming that I was ready to confront whatever challenges I will face, because of the age gap; this was my fear. If I had to do it all over again I would still travel because it has made our relationship stronger and the experiences I gained are irreplaceable. Her motives might be the same as mine, but her approach is a selfish one in my opinion.

This yw has told you what she wants, so it's up to you to now make your decision. If I were in your shoe though, I would cut all ties and never look back!

Here's a question to ponder; how deep can her love have been if she has so quickly found somebody else? The writing is on the wall, but you are refusing to read.

Someone with a bit of defiance in their personality would say "Au revoir". I do not recommend you pine away while she is out sowing her wild oats, that would make you look a pitiful fool in everyone's eyes. Be a man, wish her the best and move on. And to quote "Q", never let them see you bleed.

the old guy

I do not think that you should be expected to wait for her while she flirts with another man, on line or not. If you read this website you will see how often on-line relationships end up as real-life romances (my own case). So I suggest you tell her to make up her mind right now and see what happens. Either on-line flirtation or you.

I think that you do have to consider her age to understand her behavior. At that age, many people are not mature enough to go aginst their family to defend their love (I wasnt) and this creates a great confusion. Anyways, it is not your fault and you should not suffer for it.

First of all,it is not the mom who broke the relationship (I have never encountered family oposition from mine though). She is an adult, under the mom's wing or not, and as such makes decisions for herself.

What was the six month period for?For her to experience with other people and see if it was worth going back to you and dealing with the family problems?

Now, she has been talking to somebody on-line, from the country she is going to be moving to in five months....which is pretty much when the six months break will be over. She has already been flirting with somebody on-line, chances are she will want to meet new people wherever she goes. I do not think she is in a relationship after two weeks talking on-line with this guy(and this comes from somebody who met her husband through an on-line game LOL) but obviously she is flirting with him and not considering your feelings because you granted her the six month break so therefore in her eyes she is not doing anything wrong or hurtful. I do not know if that's the way it is but that's the how it sounds to me.

You sound like a caring man, and you do not deserve somebody who will not stand for the person they are supposed to love and let a third person (yes, even if it is your mom) break you up.

You do not deserve somebody who will ask you to wait, while she does not, actually she is openly telling you she likes somebody else. That only shows how selfish she is and how little she cares about your own feelings.

You deserve somebody who will not need to take a break from you to flirt with another guy to make sure she wants to be with you.

You deserve somebody who sees you as her first and only man, not somebody who will run back to you if her on-line fantasy does not work out.

And you deserve somebody you love who loves you, who does not have you questioning yourself and what you should do when she asks for freedom. She is not asking you, she has taken that freedom but is trying to keep you tied and close just in case.

I do not want to sound harsh or rude, but I think you know what you have to do. I wish you the best :)

First of all,it is not the mom who broke the relationship (I have never encountered family oposition from mine though). She is an adult, under the mom's wing or not, and as such makes decisions for herself.

What was the six month period for?For her to experience with other people and see if it was worth going back to you and dealing with the family problems?

:)

I am reading as I go and as I am bbsrabbit's YW please excuse me if I am more than a bit frank. First of all, my family relationship is one many of you on here have never been exposed to. I live in a country where we are socialized into binding family ties. In other words it is expected here that what you do as an individual reflects on your family at large. It's not only what you think, but also what your family/ community will think. For many of you who live in larger communities and have no idea who your neighbors are you won't be able to understand that.
Secondly my mother and I have always been very close. She has always been a friend and more to me. However in her role as mother, she cannot see my being with a man more than twice my age as being good for me in the long run. But I am able to step back and look at it from her perspective and I can understand her concerns, because they are for me.
My relationship with my OM has affected every part of my life. I love this man. He knows just how much I love him and appreciate the many ways he has cared for me. However I asked for time to sort out myself. To figure out how I would deal with leaving my country at just 21 after living a very sheltered life, to the probable alienation of my family after they learn that we have gotten back involved. It's worse for me because I have a twin sister who just doesnt understand my relationship. I will have to chance the possibility of all these family ties being cut.

So yes while it is my decision there are many things I have to consider. It is not cut and dried. Whatever decsion I make someone gets hurt. Yes I can choose for my own happiness, but can I ever really be happy knowing my parents do not approve of my new life, of the man I want kids with, to know that my mum might never want to partake in the raising of her grandkids?

And this "guy" my OM and I had referred to were only friends. However things were blown out of proportion. Having had so many decsions made for me in my life, I am very protective of the ones I do make. Choosing my friends is one of them.

I am not lashing at anyone for their posts. I am just asking that when you reply, you step back and try to place yourself in my shoes. Then think about how you would feel.

You and your OM have come to us as INDIVIDUALS seeking advice simultaneously. This is an unusual situation, for the two parties in a relationship to seek public advice for their individual sides of their relationship troubles from the same forum.

Speaking strictly for myself, the advice I will offer you or he individually will often be completely different than the advice I would offer you as a couple. The advice I will offer males will at times be completely different than the advice I would offer a female in a similar situation.

In regards to your new male "on-line friend", my advice to your OM was based upon his perception of this friend as being more than just a freind to you. If you and your OM disagree as to what your relationship to this third person is, that is something for the two of you to resolve, it is not for me to choose sides in that debate.

with care, George

For the YW:

I do not know if one can really step in your shoes. We are talking very different cultures here. One thing is for you to tell us that family ties are binding, and that you must obey the family, and another thing is to really, really, really understand that.

I am Hispanic and in Latin America we have closer family ties than in the US, my bf has lived here for 2 years and he still does not understand. Imagine the people of this forum trying to give advice in a situation where family ties are even stronger and more binding than in Latin America.

People here will tell you that as an adult you have to make your own decisions, but... is that possible in your environment?

Generally, I treat any sort of "we need a break" talk as a break up, because in my experience, that is what it is. In the words of Eric Foreman from that one cliffhanger episode of That 70s Show, "We are going to end up together by saying that we're going to be together...and then being together." If things are meant to eventually happen they will, but once a person starts talking about taking a break, it's time to move on.

I just can't fanthom the whole deindividualization of collectivist cultures, but I suppose that's just my Western socialization. I do what I want and I'll be with whom I want to be with; if anyone can't dig that, including relatives, then they can piss off.

I am reading as I go and as I am bbsrabbit's YW please excuse me if I am more than a bit frank. First of all, my family relationship is one many of you on here have never been exposed to. I live in a country where we are socialized into binding family ties. In other words it is expected here that what you do as an individual reflects on your family at large. It's not only what you think, but also what your family/ community will think. For many of you who live in larger communities and have no idea who your neighbors are you won't be able to understand that.


I am from Spain from a very close-knit family, I understand the cultural difference. I understand your neighbors will have an opinion about your personal life, that they may change their opinion about your own family because of you, I understand the pressure and I understand wanting to please your family because what you do will affect them. I understand all that. But you have ONE life and you have to live it your way.

Secondly my mother and I have always been very close. She has always been a friend and more to me. However in her role as mother, she cannot see my being with a man more than twice my age as being good for me in the long run. But I am able to step back and look at it from her perspective and I can understand her concerns, because they are for me.

My mother has always been my best friend, especially since my parents divorced and it was just the two of us, but she never put friendship before her 'mom' role either. I understand why she would have concerns about your relationship, and no, my idea of a perfect relationship for myself did not include an older man until I met mine. And I am sure, it was not what my mom had in mind for me, and I am damn sure she did not want me to move to the other side of the ocean to be with a man 19 years older than me. The only thing I was told was that the door is ALWAYS no matter what open.

Your mom needs to understand that what is 'socially unacceptable' may be your happiness, maybe she needs to be 'educated' about your relationship. And eventually she needs to see what is more important for her, some social conventionalism of her daughter's happiness

My relationship with my OM has affected every part of my life. I love this man. He knows just how much I love him and appreciate the many ways he has cared for me. However I asked for time to sort out myself. To figure out how I would deal with leaving my country at just 21 after living a very sheltered life, to the probable alienation of my family after they learn that we have gotten back involved. It's worse for me because I have a twin sister who just doesnt understand my relationship. I will have to chance the possibility of all these family ties being cut.

I like you, moved to another country for a few months after having been always living at home...and then moved to the US to be with my now husband. Some people like it, some people do not. What exactly do you need to figure out? If you would be able to live on your own without your family, or in another country? Because they are two very different things. I have no advice about your family, because if you do not think they would change their minds you will always have to pick between 'their happiness' or yours. You may get lucky and find somebody that makes everybody happy, but you need to decide if you are willing to the chance and pass on something good.


So yes while it is my decision there are many things I have to consider. It is not cut and dried. Whatever decsion I make someone gets hurt. Yes I can choose for my own happiness, but can I ever really be happy knowing my parents do not approve of my new life, of the man I want kids with, to know that my mum might never want to partake in the raising of her grandkids?

Most of things are grey, but some are actually black or white, you can not have the cake and eat it too, whatever you do somebody gets hurt, that's the opportunity cost of any decision we make. As for the grandkids, that would be your mom's decision to make, you are not denying them any chances, your mom would be. You need to stop bearing all the weight, the guilt weight, your family's pressure and concerns, the uncertainity of the future.


I am not lashing at anyone for their posts. I am just asking that when you reply, you step back and try to place yourself in my shoes. Then think about how you would feel.

See, that's the bad part of the forums, we reply to the facts stated, we do not know your side of the story, so of course as Geo said, the advice is different for you, different from the one you would get as couple, and different from the one you are getting now, there are so many things, important details left out that we can only reply to the facts, I personally never try to 'fill in the blanks'.

All in all, you need to see what is important for you, how much you love this man and if it is worth the 'fight', but if it is not, just let him go. I have never understood the temporary breaks, one thing is you break up and get together later on, but the onesided break-ups keeping the other on hold seem rather unfair and selfish to me. That is just my opinion of course, and every couple is different.

I wish you clarity and strenght. I never meant to sound judgemental, sure I did not step on your shoes, but they were not there for me to step on initially, like now, so I could only step on your SO's! :)

You have to move on brother, love is pain. Be strong recover move on and don't look back.

lol Chala...I am bb's YW and we are going strong through all our obstacles. We will make it I believe. I love you J.R.

Ok Hunnybunny let him know you love him sweety. Your drivin him nuts, just let him know he's the one, and that he has nothing to worry about as far your (hooking up with another guy) concerned. I want to see you two make it!

I am reading as I go and as I am bbsrabbit's YW please excuse me if I am more than a bit frank. First of all, my family relationship is one many of you on here have never been exposed to. I live in a country where we are socialized into binding family ties. In other words it is expected here that what you do as an individual reflects on your family at large. It's not only what you think, but also what your family/ community will think. For many of you who live in larger communities and have no idea who your neighbors are you won't be able to understand that.
Secondly my mother and I have always been very close. She has always been a friend and more to me. However in her role as mother, she cannot see my being with a man more than twice my age as being good for me in the long run. But I am able to step back and look at it from her perspective and I can understand her concerns, because they are for me.
My relationship with my OM has affected every part of my life. I love this man. He knows just how much I love him and appreciate the many ways he has cared for me. However I asked for time to sort out myself. To figure out how I would deal with leaving my country at just 21 after living a very sheltered life, to the probable alienation of my family after they learn that we have gotten back involved. It's worse for me because I have a twin sister who just doesnt understand my relationship. I will have to chance the possibility of all these family ties being cut.

So yes while it is my decision there are many things I have to consider. It is not cut and dried. Whatever decsion I make someone gets hurt. Yes I can choose for my own happiness, but can I ever really be happy knowing my parents do not approve of my new life, of the man I want kids with, to know that my mum might never want to partake in the raising of her grandkids?

And this "guy" my OM and I had referred to were only friends. However things were blown out of proportion. Having had so many decsions made for me in my life, I am very protective of the ones I do make. Choosing my friends is one of them.

I am not lashing at anyone for their posts. I am just asking that when you reply, you step back and try to place yourself in my shoes. Then think about how you would feel.

Deep down though whos happiness is most important YOU or your parents..SORRY but they raised you..YOU are an adult..YOu are no longer a child. When do you live for you and not someone else??

ALthough Your mother has concerns in the end it is your life. She does not have to marry who you marry YOU do. She is not the one having children with your Man YOU are...so on and so on.

My fiance has been in your shoes and guess what..He has stood by us. As parents they tend to want to live their dreams through their children. However their dreams are their dreams THEIR CHILDS dreams is THEIR dreams.
YOU my dear will never be happy if you allow others o choose who you want to be with and influance YOUR choices. Sorry I do not agree with you I do respect it..but I think had you known this and that your parents were like this, then you should not have dated the OM..that is not fair to him
It is also not fair to have your parents influance who you love as well..but again that is YOUR choice.

If your family cuts ties trust me those who say they will normally come back..its called a threat...I will never understand why parents torture their children with those words...sad sad sad

JUST live for YOU and him NOT your family..in the end it is not about them it is about you two:(
I wish you both love luck and love!

Deep down though whos happiness is most important YOU or your parents..SORRY but they raised you..YOU are an adult..YOu are no longer a child. When do you live for you and not someone else??

JUST live for YOU and him NOT your family..in the end it is not about them it is about you two:(
I wish you both love luck and love!

This is what I always try to keep at the back of my mind. I love this man and I feel that he is who I want to be with. He makes me truly happy from the inside out, makes me want to smile when I just think about him. It is my life and I want to move forward with him and start a life together but I don't want it to be at the expense of losing my family's support. We are already working on a plan for me leaving and then he will join me. After we have been together for a a while we will announce it to my family. By then I will have been away for a while, the apron strings will have been cut and they should have confidence in my ability to make my own decisions.

I am looking forward :bgrin2:

This is what I always try to keep at the back of my mind. I love this man and I feel that he is who I want to be with. He makes me truly happy from the inside out, makes me want to smile when I just think about him. It is my life and I want to move forward with him and start a life together but I don't want it to be at the expense of losing my family's support. We are already working on a plan for me leaving and then he will join me. After we have been together for a a while we will announce it to my family. By then I will have been away for a while, the apron strings will have been cut and they should have confidence in my ability to make my own decisions.

I am looking forward :bgrin2:

amen girl and it is your first step to being independant!!!!!! I really want you both together! he seems like a wonderful man and loves you so much and it is obvious that you love him.

Thank you grumpysgirl, the support of you and the other members of agelesslove means so much for us. It gives me a sounding board and let's me share both good times and bad times. I do really LOVE him and we will make each other twice as happy as we do now, especially since then I can bug him all the time (happy smiles):D Can hardly wait.

And yes it feels great to have made a decision that takes me to a future with him!:bgrin2: