Tread carefully-age gap relationships are not for everyone!

Age gap relationships, especially large age gaps (over 20 yrs) are not for everyone. I have seen many yw in a hurry to live with and marry their om and I often wonder what will happen in 10 to 15 yrs. Much of what I'm about to say here might apply to any relationship, but I think these issues needs to be examined more carefully before marriage when dealing with age gap relationships. I'm a woman, so I can't help examining issues from a female perspective; forgive me older men on this site.;)

I strongly believe that yw should live on her own for a while before moving in with the older spouse. By living alone, the yw gets an opportunity to gain autonomy over her own life and make important life decisions on her own.
The om should allow the yw to go out with her peers and should not support her financially if the situation allows. Financial support usually connotes obligation and it complicates the situation. If the yw decides to end the relationship she should not feel obligated to the om, while the om shouldn't feel used and feel a big dent in his wallet.

I also think that if it is possible, both partners should purchase a house together rather than moving into the older partner's home. This gives both individuals the opportunity to start over afresh and remove the sense of authority (perceived or otherwise) that the older person has because it's his home. Even if the older person will provide most or all of the finances it gives the yw an opportunity to have a say in the type of house to buy, where to live and basically giving her a more concrete sense that your lives are blending together as oppose to her life blending with the om. Certainly there are cases where this isn't possible for whatever reasons but I know how the process of purchasing a home with my om makes me feel.

Before marriage, seek proper counseling (months not one or two sessions). I think counseling is absolutely necessary in relationships with large age gaps. The yw and om should freely speak about their expectations and concerns. If people are honest here then both parties will have a better idea whether the choice of a partner is a suitable one. Issues relating to finances, retirement, education/profession (yw) illness, sex, children, should be openly discussed. Counseling forces you to examine these issues in a practical way and with a mediator who can help to navigate the issues without emotional attachment. The fact is that many people do not like to discuss these issues and a so called discussion is usually a brief talk or two while enamored with each other.

I'm sure there are other issues to consider, so please add your two cents.

Goodchild, I don't know your age, nor your particular circumstances, but as an older woman, I think you make some very insightful points.... the same applies to older women/younger men relationships.

Age gap relationships, especially large age gaps (over 20 yrs) are not for everyone. I have seen many yw in a hurry to live with and marry their om and I often wonder what will happen in 10 to 15 yrs. Much of what I'm about to say here might apply to any relationship, but I think these issues needs to be examined more carefully before marriage when dealing with age gap relationships. I'm a woman, so I can't help examining issues from a female perspective; forgive me older men on this site.;)

I strongly believe that yw should live on her own for a while before moving in with the older spouse. By living alone, the yw gets an opportunity to gain autonomy over her own life and make important life decisions on her own.
The om should allow the yw to go out with her peers and should not support her financially if the situation allows. Financial support usually connotes obligation and it complicates the situation. If the yw decides to end the relationship she should not feel obligated to the om, while the om shouldn't feel used and feel a big dent in his wallet.

I also think that if it is possible, both partners should purchase a house together rather than moving into the older partner's home. This gives both individuals the opportunity to start over afresh and remove the sense of authority (perceived or otherwise) that the older person has because it's his home. Even if the older person will provide most or all of the finances it gives the yw an opportunity to have a say in the type of house to buy, where to live and basically giving her a more concrete sense that your lives are blending together as oppose to her life blending with the om. Certainly there are cases where this isn't possible for whatever reasons but I know how the process of purchasing a home with my om makes me feel. I completely agree with this, not matter if the age is same age, older or younger. A home is a couple's sanctuary and it should be uniquely their own.......

Before marriage, seek proper counseling (months not one or two sessions). I think counseling is absolutely necessary in relationships with large age gaps. The yw and om should freely speak about their expectations and concerns. If people are honest here then both parties will have a better idea whether the choice of a partner is a suitable one. Issues relating to finances, retirement, education/profession (yw) illness, sex, children, should be openly discussed. Counseling forces you to examine these issues in a practical way and with a mediator who can help to navigate the issues without emotional attachment. The fact is that many people do not like to discuss these issues and a so called discussion is usually a brief talk or two while enamored with each other. Yes, I think every couple ready to marry, to not want to de-romaticize their relationship by talking about finances, home upkeep responsibilities and the boring logistics of well, life. I think TIME and counseling together are the great equalizers.... and should both be explored indepth. After all, things get a lot less romantic and idealized when two people share a marriage and an abode.

I'm sure there are other issues to consider, so please add your two cents.

GC, I think that you have made great points. Also a YP (younger person-man or woman) should take a hard cold look at the possibility of losing their partners at a later stage in life and end up being alone after having spent a lifetime with the older person.

Those are some good points. I don't buy into the risk of losing someone as a deterrent. In the last year I lost one friend to a motorbike accident and one to cancer. One my age, one younger (I'm 43) I also lost my wife to alcoholism-she is still on earth, but pretty non-functional. We were together for 10 years and then she relapsed after being sober the whole time and never came back. Those were 10 of the best years of my life that in spite of what she put me through the last 2, before we split, I wouldn't trade them away. Time spent with real love in your life is never wasted.

I'm 29 and I've been with my om for 8yrs and I have learned many lessons along the way. I just thought I should share some of these with other yw because it breaks my heart to see people resentful and unhappy because they had unrealistic expectations of their relationship. My relationship has progressed slowly because we have a big gap of 30yrs and there are so many things to consider and prepare yourself mentally and financially for. Preparing for eventualities doesn't mean allowing these issues to interfere with the present, it just means examining the possibilities and jumping in only with both eyes open. One can never know what will happen in the future, but there are definitely measures one can put in place to lessen the impact of the unexpected.


Please continue to add your two cents.:)

Excellent post!

Statistically, the OM will die before the YW, and that is one of my greatest fears: to have spent a lifetime with someone and not being able to have them next to me in my time of need, but to have served them in theirs (when I'm 70, he'll be 96).

It's easy to say yeah, we spent 10 great years together and if we let the age issue get in the way then we wouldn't have had those great years together, but what about when the older person is left alone, lonely, fending for themself. The older person got what they wanted but the younger is left suffering in remembrance with an empty hole in their heart.

As an older man --- you're forgiven!! :)

I think what you say makes perfect sense and is very wise advice. I particularly agree with the part about a woman living on her own first, and buying a house together instead of her moving into his house (or vice versa). It makes the relationship stronger and gives them both a strong foundation. As for counseling, I'd be careful to pick the right counselor and steer away from someone with strong opinions about age gaps, one way or the other. Other than that, I think everything you say is common sense advice.

As an older man --- you're forgiven!! :)

I think what you say makes perfect sense and is very wise advice. I particularly agree with the part about a woman living on her own first, and buying a house together instead of her moving into his house (or vice versa). It makes the relationship stronger and gives them both a strong foundation. As for counseling, I'd be careful to pick the right counselor and steer away from someone with strong opinions about age gaps, one way or the other. Other than that, I think everything you say is common sense advice.

You are right about selecting a counselor who is balanced in their views. Finding a counselor that's the right fit is a challenge, but a good one should be able to put his personal bias aside and deal with the issues at hand objectively. I remember my first meeting with my counselor. As soon as I introduced myself I made it clear that I'm in a relationship with a large age gap and I'm here to examine some of the issues that we are likely to face in the future but I'm not here to be told I have daddy issues or to be told I'm making the wrong choice. Now if you have a problem with a relationship with a 30yr age gap then please tell me right now. He smiled and said he liked my direct approach and that he's not in the profession to dictate people's lives, but only to help people make changes that they want to make and to have a wholesome life. I liked him instantly.

I think many of your points are well-reasoned advice, however, I sense a slight tone of you underestimating the ability of a young woman to make choices for herself. As for committing to someone who may die before you, we are all mortal. You never know when your number is up and I would much rather have a great ride on Earth while I'm here, even if it means losing someone I care about due to an age difference and their dying of old age before I die of... whatever.

I also don't think anything is wrong with moving in with someone when it's not a brand new place. As long as both people are contributing to bills and rent/mortgage, there is a weight to that which makes the feeling of ownership more balanced. I do think that both partners should be independent and not reliant on one another for financial support, et cetera. But I think these pieces of advice should be for either partner in the relationship, not just the young lady or younger gentleman or what have you.

Goodchild great observations you make may I ask your age? Your quite the precocious woman. Encarna you make a valid point as well. One scenario I want to ad is stares and comments from strangers when your in public. I live in a big city (lots of people) and I am a bit of a hot head. When there are impolite stares and/or comments it's very hard for me to ignore them sometimes creating incidents. This is not good for my YW, and this is something I am working on. In our case it's a double whammy cause we are a interracial couple as well as an age gap couple. Its not easy out there. Just wanted to share that with you folks.

Goodchild great observations you make may I ask your age? Your quite the precocious woman. Encarna you make a valid point as well. One scenario I want to ad is stares and comments from strangers when your in public. I live in a big city (lots of people) and I am a bit of a hot head. When there are impolite stares and/or comments it's very hard for me to ignore them sometimes creating incidents. This is not good for my YW, and this is something I am working on. In our case it's a double whammy cause we are a interracial couple as well as an age gap couple. Its not easy out there. Just wanted to share that with you folks.

Thanks Chala; I'm 29. Do you mind telling us a little about your relationship? How long have you been together and your ages?

Good thread, GC. :)

Thanks Chala; I'm 29. Do you mind telling us a little about your relationship? How long have you been together and your ages?


We only been together a couple of months, she is 24 me 48 (but i don't look it haha) She is Italian and Puerto Rican I am Black. I don't know how long are gonna make it (trust issues) but it is wonderful while it is lasting.

GC/Ally, wonderful thread. A great dose of sanity. So many valid points.

You say: "I also think that if it is possible, both partners should purchase a house together rather than moving into the older partner's home. This gives both individuals the opportunity to start over afresh and remove the sense of authority (perceived or otherwise) that the older person has because it's his home."

Actually, I think this is wise advice for anyone thinking of moving in together or marrying, irrespective of age.

P-11

Ms. Goodchild,
I was nodding my head right along with every word. For me, it has been IMPERATIVE to learn how to be comfortable 100% with living alone and being with me. This has saved my butt. I wanted to jump into someone else's pocket and get taken care of b/c that is exactly what my own mother did. I lost more than one r'ship by being overly dependent and emotionally underdeveloped. I DID want a Daddy figure in many aspects so that I didn't have to learn how to face life as a woman of integrity who can be okay with herself no matter what. Becoming a whole person on my own brings more to the table in my r'ships, but I didn't learn this hard lesson until I got independent from all r'ships, quit dating for a year and faced ME! It wasn't doing time either, it was serious personal growth.

John is 23 years older than me and I know that logically he'll die before me, (even with his new liver!!!) and what of it? I'll be alone? Well, I know what that is, and there is nothing wrong it---no fears, no anxiety come to mind. I'll be financially okay because I don't depend on anyone to take care of me now. Although I love him dearly, there may be another wonderful person AFTER him..how is it that I lose??

Life is good! :yes:

So true Rebecca. Of the things you write, this in particular stands out for me:

"to learn how to face life as a woman of integrity who can be okay with herself no matter what. Becoming a whole person on my own brings more to the table in my r'ships"

I agree 100%. It is about becoming whole. And in doing so, I think we become more attractive to the opposite sex anyway. This applies to both genders.

So true Rebecca. Of the things you write, this in particular stands out for me:

"to learn how to face life as a woman of integrity who can be okay with herself no matter what. Becoming a whole person on my own brings more to the table in my r'ships"

I agree 100%. It is about becoming whole. And in doing so, I think we become more attractive to the opposite sex anyway. This applies to both genders.

I agree wholeheartedly! I want to add though that an individual can become whole within a relationship but that requires that the other partner is confident, self-assured as well and is not threatened by changes and self reliance. I met my partner at age 20 when I was basically just understanding the world. I have changed and grown a lot since then and the beautiful thing is that he has embraced the changes and has actually encouraged me to find my own path in life. If he were not comfortable in his own skin, we would have gone our separate ways a long time ago. It's always interesting when we lie down and talk about how much I've changed since he met me. I'm amazed at the changes and he is excited for me as I pave my own path.

I spent two years away from him (traveling and working abroad) when I was 22 and it was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. Those two years gave me an opportunity to stand on my own two feet, to gain a stronger sense of self and my place in the world.

Rebecca, thank you for sharing your own experiences and I agree with you wholeheartedly. The two years I spent abroad has given me the confidence that I will be ok on my own and those experiences will remain with me always. Phoenix, I just love reading your posts.

Please continue to add your two cents, there are lots more things to consider.

How about professional/career planning. How important is this for both partners, but especially for the younger partner?

Thanks Ally! Coming from you, someone I regard as very bright and emotionally intelligent, I take that as a real compliment.

I remember that when I was enamoured with the older man I spoke of in earlier posts, I had some very vivid dreams. Contrary to a lot of other people who tend to dream a great deal about the one they love, I had very few dreams about him; in total, only about seven of these vivid dreams in the time that I was in touch with him. (The quality of these dreams was like nothing I had ever experienced before.) One of them seemed to be set in the future, it seemed so real, I felt as if I was having a precognitive vision. Since, I'm not sure that I believe in precognitive visions, or at least, believe that I am capable of having precognitive visions (!:eek:) the other option is to think that I was having a "wishful thinking" dream.

Anyway, cutting out a lot of the other detail in the dream, the essence of it was that we were a couple at this point in life. He was driving, and had called me up in my office in the middle of the day. He cracked lots of jokes, and made me laugh until my belly hurt. Overall, I was blissfully happy. He had called me to get directions to a church!

OK, now since I am not a religious person, and neither is he, the whole church thing is a little odd. However, as I understand it, the church is a symbol of spirituality in a dream. So in conclusion, I extracted the following from my dream (leaving out some details, in order not to bore you).

He was very proud of my professional status. I was very happy with my profession. He was utterly content that I was doing what made me content because it made our lives very complete, or whole in some way. He too was very content, though he had reached a different professional stage in his life. The driving in the middle of the day, and his expansive, happy mood, somehow indicated that he felt free. And finally the church thing was a symbol that were on the same spiritual page.

So, if you put all of this into perspective, this dream symbolized my soul speaking to me, and telling me a great deal about my core values and hopes.

I'm not sure that this is the kind of response you expected, but there it is... eccentric or not!:D

Age gap relationships, especially large age gaps (over 20 yrs) are not for everyone. I have seen many yw in a hurry to live with and marry their om and I often wonder what will happen in 10 to 15 yrs. Much of what I'm about to say here might apply to any relationship, but I think these issues needs to be examined more carefully before marriage when dealing with age gap relationships. I'm a woman, so I can't help examining issues from a female perspective; forgive me older men on this site.;)

I strongly believe that yw should live on her own for a while before moving in with the older spouse. By living alone, the yw gets an opportunity to gain autonomy over her own life and make important life decisions on her own.
The om should allow the yw to go out with her peers and should not support her financially if the situation allows. Financial support usually connotes obligation and it complicates the situation. If the yw decides to end the relationship she should not feel obligated to the om, while the om shouldn't feel used and feel a big dent in his wallet.

I also think that if it is possible, both partners should purchase a house together rather than moving into the older partner's home. This gives both individuals the opportunity to start over afresh and remove the sense of authority (perceived or otherwise) that the older person has because it's his home. Even if the older person will provide most or all of the finances it gives the yw an opportunity to have a say in the type of house to buy, where to live and basically giving her a more concrete sense that your lives are blending together as oppose to her life blending with the om. Certainly there are cases where this isn't possible for whatever reasons but I know how the process of purchasing a home with my om makes me feel.

Before marriage, seek proper counseling (months not one or two sessions). I think counseling is absolutely necessary in relationships with large age gaps. The yw and om should freely speak about their expectations and concerns. If people are honest here then both parties will have a better idea whether the choice of a partner is a suitable one. Issues relating to finances, retirement, education/profession (yw) illness, sex, children, should be openly discussed. Counseling forces you to examine these issues in a practical way and with a mediator who can help to navigate the issues without emotional attachment. The fact is that many people do not like to discuss these issues and a so called discussion is usually a brief talk or two while enamored with each other.

I'm sure there are other issues to consider, so please add your two cents.

You post some pretty sound advice, not just here either. Keep up the good work. Love can be so blind, it helps to hear a voice of reason.

Lol Phoenix, Not the mode in which I expected the response, but I can relate. In essence you're saying that both parties should have a clear vision of what their professional future should be like and find a common ground on which to make those dreams a reality. While circumstances might require that some aspects of your professional future/life changes, it is important that both partners stay true to their desires as anything less might result in regrets. Correct me if I'm off base.:tongue2:

I will be a stay at home partner for the next five years as I want to spend as much time with D while he's very active, plus I want to stay home with my child for the first three years. During that time though, I hope to have a few novels published so I wouldn't necessarily be at home just taking care of the household. Thereafter, I hope to get back into the teaching field and eventually have my own private preparatory school.

This is how I envision Delroy and I 20yrs from now; D will be 79 by then and I will be 49. He will be at home most of the time with the occasional visit to his offices and making business phone calls throughout the day. I have always envision myself returning from a lecture and he's on the patio reading the papers. I walk in and kiss him on the forehead and he pulls me to him and kiss me on the lips. He puts down the papers and make queries about my day as I join him on the lounge chair.

Certainly the future might look nothing like this, but we definitely have a clear idea as to what we both want.

You post some pretty sound advice, not just here either. Keep up the good work. Love can be so blind, it helps to hear a voice of reason.


Thank you! Inquiring minds want to know: where else have you seen me? :eek: Send me a pm;)

In essence you're saying that both parties should have a clear vision of what their professional future should be like and find a common ground on which to make those dreams a reality. While circumstances might require that some aspects of your professional future/life changes, it is important that both partners stay true to their desires as anything less might result in regrets. Correct me if I'm off base.

Well, I definitely think every individual should strive to have a vision, but I guess the key in a relationship is the common ground that you mention. In maintaining that common ground, a couple may need to adapt to unexpected circumstances. We can never really plan for the future, so I think that staying true to one's desires would be very difficult. I think it's more important to realise one's priorities in life. What are the things that will make you both happiest, sometimes, they are things we least expect, or desire. I think my dream was telling me that synergy was more important than anything else. And by this I mean, mutual understanding and respect for each other above everything else.

Well, I definitely think every individual should strive to have a vision, but I guess the key in a relationship is the common ground that you mention. In maintaining that common ground, a couple may need to adapt to unexpected circumstances. We can never really plan for the future, so I think that staying true to one's desires would be very difficult. I think it's more important to realise one's priorities in life. What are the things that will make you both happiest, sometimes, they are things we least expect, or desire. I think my dream was telling me that synergy was more important than anything else. And by this I mean, mutual understanding and respect for each other above everything else.

True! Desire is not used in the right context. I meant that individuals should stay true to themselves and not give in to the wishes of the other party just for the sake of a peaceful life, but to meet each other half way and find a workable solution. For example: One should not quit his/her job if he/she knows that traveling around the world and being financially dependent on the other party will make him/her miserable or unfulfilled.