Relationship has ended...

Hi all

This is my first post. I have lurked for some time reading everyone's posts for support everyday and I have found this a great place:)

I was in an LDR and AGR relationship for three years and I was the YW. He broke up with me end of last year because of the way I communicated my unhappiness to him, that I had mood swings. I did not know that I was doing that and it was affecting him. I did a lot of thinking, soul-searching and read self-help books on it. I read relationship support forums like this one here. I apologized to him, said I would change and asked if we could try again. To cut the story short, we went back and forth on the issue and today he ended it for good. I am heartbroken and feel like I wasn't given a chance. However, I know that he has had bad relationships in the past with similar problems and I think him being an OM makes it harder for him to give me another chance/believe that things will change. And so I think that I will try to be at peace with his decision and not continue with this back and forth. I know I will mourn this relationship for a while because I love him and he was my best friend too. It is hard not to feel unloved and unworthy right now.

Anyway, that's my story. I'm trying to be strong. I hope this little online community can be my source of daily support.

First off welcome and I'm really sorry your relationship ended.

I don't think voicing yourself is a mood swing, I just think its you telling your SO that you're not happy and you both have stuff to work on, to me there is nothing wrong with that and its completely normal.

I'm not to sure his reasons for not wanting to give you a second chance but I'm sure he has one.

I'm sorry again and I hope you stick around to find what you need and that you find happiness again!

Big cyber hug

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/Rose.gif

I'm sorry things didn't work out, but you have the right attitude. It will definitely be tough to get over him, but as time goes by and you allow yourself to heal, it will get easier.

Take care of you!

Thank you all for your kind words. Jenny Jen, I did have communication issues with him and they were expressed in an unhealthy way. That's why he wanted to end the relationship. In a way, he has made me realize my problem and I am more aware now how I express myself. He just couldn't give me a chance. Anyway, I am trying not to dwell on it. I tried but he didn't want to work with me on this and so it just wasn't meant to be.

Several times today I wanted to cry in my office so it is really hard. I hate crying because that makes me feel really helpless and depressed and makes me want to call him and ask him back. I actually feel better not crying but I feel like it might be healthy to cry it out. I don't know if I'm just trying to hold it in.

It is always healthy to let your emotions speak to you, feel what you are supposed to feel, acknowledge your feelings, listen to yourself.

So have that cry, feel the pain, acknowledge that you hurt. But have enough pride to not go groveling back to him. Tomorrow is a new day. There shall be a new love waiting to find you.

the old guy

Lately I feel like I have become so moody that I think I can empathize with you. I feel so stressed and I take it out on the people around me. So many things cause it for me, maybe you should try to find the source of your stress. If you think he really wants it to be over you should let his decision stand. You are strong, believe that, maybe however his issues with ex relationships are stronger and would have proved a hindrance to your relationship in any case. Hold you head high, with best wishes..:)

But have enough pride to not go groveling back to him.

Thank you Geo55, that is giving me some strength right now. I will remember this.

I think he definitely has his issues too, that is why giving us another chance isn't a choice for him right now. I do not think the age gap was an issue (I am 28 and he is 59) although it was a source of stress for me at the beginning.

I have been thinking about the question of closure in such a long distance relationship that was also long term. The last time I saw him we were saying goodbye at the airport. At that time, none of this had come up. We said we loved each other and would miss each other. I woke up this morning remembering myself standing outside the security checkpoint and him walking away to the gates...I guess my question is how do I get closure now? I wrote a letter yesterday but I'm not sure what I will do with it.

Also, is it so wrong to want to hold on to the friendship (which was really great) even when the romantic love has died?

I wrote a letter yesterday but I'm not sure what I will do with it.

Also, is it so wrong to want to hold on to the friendship (which was really great) even when the romantic love has died?

The answer to your question is, no. All of this relationship has been of value to you. My bet is, it's been of value to him also. Hang on to the letter for now, and give this all some time. It's tough enough developing a relationship with someone that's the same age and close at hand. I'm not suggesting you wait for your OM, but just know that in the end special relationships, whether friendships or more than that, will find their own way back together. As George has said; keep breathing and grieve your loss. Live your life,...and let's see what happens next.

Mike

Thanks Mike, that is very good advice and I am sticking to it. I'm not pretending that I am so strong because I had my weakest moments this weekend. Cried and drowned my sorrows (got so sick doing that and now will remember never to go there again until my next hearbreak that is :)) and now I'm fine-ish.

An update, I spoke to my ex today again. We had agreed to talk after I initiated it during my weakest moments. It was good actually. I was nervous and anxious the whole day about it and now my heartbeat has actually slowed down....amazing, I may get a goodnight's sleep tonight...keeping fingers crossed. Anyway, what was good about it is that I finally realized for good this is over. I'm moving on. I'll be fine. No more crying so much and wallowing in my sadness. I'm moving on from him. Not waiting for him anymore. He said something like you never know about the future, saying that we might meet up, we might see each other again and maybe friends, maybe more, and some other stuff that is just not appropriate right now. Maybe he was joking, maybe he was serious, maybe he was trying to make me feel better. No, I'm not believing that. If he wants to, that's his choice. I am not going to allow that to give me any ray of hope. I am done. Maybe if we do meet again I will feel something again but right now, I am getting over it. He has offered to stay friends but says it is my choice. Whatever helps and if it helps to never talk again, he will respect that. I don't know. He has asked me to think about it. I won't think about it too much, no decisions now. We will not be in contact for now. I will see how I feel after a while (and I mean a long while, at least a few months).

Anyway, just wanted to say I feel surprised at the weight being taken off me. I didn't expect this. I am sad but not the type where I am holding on desperately and can't breathe. It's the peaceful accepting type. It's weird. Maybe I can do this much easier than I thought. Know what I mean?

I will stick around, write when I feel I need to. Hope everyone is well.

SG,

Glad to read you have peace right now. There will be ups and downs, good days and bad days, strong days and weak days; there always are when you grieve the loss of a relationship.

So keep in mind that when those weak days are upon you, we are all here to read, offer support & cyber hugs. In the mean time work on yourself, love on yourself. Eat all the ice cream you need ( :bgrin2: ), buy yourself your favorite drink at the local coffee house, because you deserve it.

with care, George

George, thanks, I have been indulging myself a little but it's all good, it's a little joy in life :)

Just wanted to vent a little here tonight. Although I still remain at peace with the breakup, admittedly I am human and I've been thinking about what he said when we talked. Like I said in my previous post, he said some inappropriate things which I guess just keep bothering me no matter how much I want it to not bother me because I am trying to get over it. I don't mean that he was being rude or disrespectful, but that he was alluding to the possibility of us seeing each other again in the future. One thing he said was that I know that I'll have to make it up to him one day. Other things he said were he got this feeling that we will see each other again and to think of this "relationship" as getting to a new level of something more workable, maybe as friends or maybe more.

I'm not trying to analyse anything here, I'm just starting to get a little angry about him saying all that when we had just broken up and it's not even like I asked for a "relationship" or wanted to see what happens in the future or hoping that in the future we will get back together. I even told him that I'm not sure I can deal with a friendship with him right now and so I'm going to go away and we won't be talking for a while. I told him we may not remain friends.

Maybe he was trying to make me feel better or maybe it was just friendship he was talking about. But I just feel it was inappropriate at that point in time and it's bothering me a little.

Thanks for listening, just wanted to vent. :)

I'm sorry things ended, but I have been there with the communication issues in the past. Now I have learned to hold back when I'm super off balance, (not coming from a place of love), get rebalanced, then try again. It is/ was an exquisitely difficult exercise at first, but I'm the one that matters and how I grow as a human being is important.

I have to take a hiatus from the person after a break up because I can't grieve the loss and still be their friend, and believe me, I go through each stage of grieving (back and forth) until I can get back to love and compassion. I have to detach with love, ignore their contacts...let other people think I'm the one who "can't be friends" even though I know it's not true, and just grieve and heal.

Personally, I think people say those comments so they don't have to feel the pain of separation...nice little emotional buffers, but it's my theory.

Take care of YOU!! :yes:

Just wanted to say something. It's been two weeks since the break-up. I'm doing well, taking it a day at a time. I haven't been in contact with the ex-OM except that I sent him some stuff by mail but I said I wouldn't be in contact for a while and that I didn't know yet if I could stay friends with him. He sent me an e-mail to thank me for the stuff. I just want to say I don't feel ready to contact him yet, I feel I'm just still recovering and do not want to let it all go to waste by initiating contact. I'm kinda beginning to appreciate this time I have being single again, I'm cocooning, crying every now and then, I feel I'm slowly letting it go and recovering. I feel I will emerge a better person and I feel I've learnt something about myself. I know I have some way to go but it's good to feel this way about this otherwise very painful process. I do feel that we can be friends one day, just not now. Maybe when the pain is over and I can see clearly again, I will feel differently about the significance of this relationship and even whether the friendship is special enough to keep. I have learnt to appreciate that what is meant to be will happen and if things fell apart, it was probably never meant to be.