anADwife
03-14-2008, 10:03 PM
Age gap relationships, we all know, are a unique challenge. I suspect that's why we're all visiting the Ageless Love forum. I participate in another AGR forum on and off, but sometimes felt that sharing "MY" challenges made others uncomfortable. I'll explain:
I am 47. My husband is 71. We've been together over 20 years, and married 19 years this summer. We were 29 and 53 when we married. Friends and family cautioned us against a May December marriage, but we threw caution to the wind and did it anyway. We had one child each from prior marriages, then had two more children together in the first two and a half years.
P, who was full of energy, and very actively involved in the kids activities, was offered early retirement (56) when the corporation was downsizing in 1992. Our youngest child was 6 weeks old when P. transitioned to full time Dad, caregiver, house husband. I continued to work as a nurse.
Fast forward 10 and 15 years:
P began slowing down in his mid 60's, and his personality was changing. Impatient, easily angered. At some point I began to question "who do I live with?" Bickering at each other became our norm. Divorce was an idea looming in my head. I couldn't find explanation for this dissention between us. When I asked him to explain his responses were senseless. "Nothings wrong. I don't know what you are talking about. You're just trying to start a fight." Or he'd say, "I'm disappointed in you." This confused me. He'd say it was my attitude causing the problems. Hmmm! I'd walk in the room and get bombarded with angry remarks that just come out of nowhere. I knew something was wrong, but we had no idea at the time, this was the beginning signs of Alzheimer's Disease. The subtle changes in personality, less motivation to do normal activities. He became more isolated by the day, not socializing, and not communicating. Today we know we are living in one of the maladies our loved ones were concerned about years ago.
P. is in the late moderate stage now. He was diagnosed in 2005, but the signs were showing long before. He is still not a candidate for adult day care or placement. I'll do all that I can to keep him home with me. P. looks normal, and you wouldn't know he had Alzheimer's unless engaged in conversation, or attempting to give him directions. His mind is still alert, but confused most of the time. He cannot reliably function on his own, so here I am. Because I'm his wife still, though the emotional connections become skewed, lost in Alzheimer's. I love him still, though I see how this illness changed the character of our relationship. I call it a Living Bereavement period. Alzheimer's Spouses lose a bit of our life mate everyday. Right before our eyes. The person we knew and married disappears a little at a time, but their body is here.
The relationship evolves into one of a parent-child. I've had to take away P's car keys once he began getting lost going to familiar places. Our kids are 15and 17. They have a difficult time dealing with their Dad becoming dependent upon us. I have difficult days accepting my gradual losses. I feel there is another child taking his place. I have to be head of household, with all the responsibilities, taking over things he always did for me. I now manage everything. Financials, taxes, appointments, repairs, schedules, etc. Just yesterday we finalized an important thing. We went to our attorney to complete our Durable Powers of Attorney, and Advanced Directives. Thank God for that because it's apparent he can no longer manage money, make important decision, or participate in preparing our tax return. If there is one thing I can encourage you all to do, it is to GET ALL THE LEGAL PAPERS IN ORDER NOW! You need to be able to look out for each other. You will never regret getting them done. It's a hard subject to bring up, but it is a reality best faced sooner rather than later.
This is not the life we bargained for. We were aware this could happen, but hoped we'd never have to face it. We don't have a normal marital relationship in the practical sense and I am very sad for OUR loss. But I accept the losses and still feel the commitment to my OM. It feels more to me like having a third child, and no spouse to help me. And this third child is never going to mature into an independent adult. I no longer have dreams of the two of us having an empty nest, and time to enjoy even a few golden years with my Love. With Alzheimer's, there is no telling how long it will go on. Yes, I may find myself starting my life all over again, almost from scratch in my mid 50's. But for now I remain committed.
I hope I haven't made enemies, or that I be perceived as the Mistress of Doom and Gloom. Nor do I want to make age gap relationships out to be disasterous choices. No, on the contrary. I just want people in my life to know that while I am sad, and some days angry, this is a choice I made. I was consciously aware of the possibility that I may indeed become a caregiver to an ailing husband. And I do have resentments that I'm not out and about, working, retiring, traveling, socializing, etc. But those resentments are NOT against my OM. Those resentments are squarely against a disease he did not ask to have. When I have the opportunity to advise aquaintances who are thinking about "commitment" to an AGR, I do not try to scare them out of it. I only hope to share with them that the "commitment" must be stronger than steel.
I am 47. My husband is 71. We've been together over 20 years, and married 19 years this summer. We were 29 and 53 when we married. Friends and family cautioned us against a May December marriage, but we threw caution to the wind and did it anyway. We had one child each from prior marriages, then had two more children together in the first two and a half years.
P, who was full of energy, and very actively involved in the kids activities, was offered early retirement (56) when the corporation was downsizing in 1992. Our youngest child was 6 weeks old when P. transitioned to full time Dad, caregiver, house husband. I continued to work as a nurse.
Fast forward 10 and 15 years:
P began slowing down in his mid 60's, and his personality was changing. Impatient, easily angered. At some point I began to question "who do I live with?" Bickering at each other became our norm. Divorce was an idea looming in my head. I couldn't find explanation for this dissention between us. When I asked him to explain his responses were senseless. "Nothings wrong. I don't know what you are talking about. You're just trying to start a fight." Or he'd say, "I'm disappointed in you." This confused me. He'd say it was my attitude causing the problems. Hmmm! I'd walk in the room and get bombarded with angry remarks that just come out of nowhere. I knew something was wrong, but we had no idea at the time, this was the beginning signs of Alzheimer's Disease. The subtle changes in personality, less motivation to do normal activities. He became more isolated by the day, not socializing, and not communicating. Today we know we are living in one of the maladies our loved ones were concerned about years ago.
P. is in the late moderate stage now. He was diagnosed in 2005, but the signs were showing long before. He is still not a candidate for adult day care or placement. I'll do all that I can to keep him home with me. P. looks normal, and you wouldn't know he had Alzheimer's unless engaged in conversation, or attempting to give him directions. His mind is still alert, but confused most of the time. He cannot reliably function on his own, so here I am. Because I'm his wife still, though the emotional connections become skewed, lost in Alzheimer's. I love him still, though I see how this illness changed the character of our relationship. I call it a Living Bereavement period. Alzheimer's Spouses lose a bit of our life mate everyday. Right before our eyes. The person we knew and married disappears a little at a time, but their body is here.
The relationship evolves into one of a parent-child. I've had to take away P's car keys once he began getting lost going to familiar places. Our kids are 15and 17. They have a difficult time dealing with their Dad becoming dependent upon us. I have difficult days accepting my gradual losses. I feel there is another child taking his place. I have to be head of household, with all the responsibilities, taking over things he always did for me. I now manage everything. Financials, taxes, appointments, repairs, schedules, etc. Just yesterday we finalized an important thing. We went to our attorney to complete our Durable Powers of Attorney, and Advanced Directives. Thank God for that because it's apparent he can no longer manage money, make important decision, or participate in preparing our tax return. If there is one thing I can encourage you all to do, it is to GET ALL THE LEGAL PAPERS IN ORDER NOW! You need to be able to look out for each other. You will never regret getting them done. It's a hard subject to bring up, but it is a reality best faced sooner rather than later.
This is not the life we bargained for. We were aware this could happen, but hoped we'd never have to face it. We don't have a normal marital relationship in the practical sense and I am very sad for OUR loss. But I accept the losses and still feel the commitment to my OM. It feels more to me like having a third child, and no spouse to help me. And this third child is never going to mature into an independent adult. I no longer have dreams of the two of us having an empty nest, and time to enjoy even a few golden years with my Love. With Alzheimer's, there is no telling how long it will go on. Yes, I may find myself starting my life all over again, almost from scratch in my mid 50's. But for now I remain committed.
I hope I haven't made enemies, or that I be perceived as the Mistress of Doom and Gloom. Nor do I want to make age gap relationships out to be disasterous choices. No, on the contrary. I just want people in my life to know that while I am sad, and some days angry, this is a choice I made. I was consciously aware of the possibility that I may indeed become a caregiver to an ailing husband. And I do have resentments that I'm not out and about, working, retiring, traveling, socializing, etc. But those resentments are NOT against my OM. Those resentments are squarely against a disease he did not ask to have. When I have the opportunity to advise aquaintances who are thinking about "commitment" to an AGR, I do not try to scare them out of it. I only hope to share with them that the "commitment" must be stronger than steel.