Frustrated for all the right & wrong reasons

I am frustrated. :rollingpin: I am frustrated to a level that I have never known and it has taken me a few days to calm down to where I am now. I am hoping for some insight as to my situation as my friends are just as frustrated as I am and don't know what to say anymore other than to provide me support as they always do.
I am a 29 yr old YW who has become extremely close with a 40 yr old OM. He is a co-worker and someone I have really gotten to know on another level (not that way) in the past few months. Late night phone calls for hours on end, constant communication via email/text/phone, etc. A few of our mutual friends believe we are dating despite the fact that we have said we are just close friends - they aren't buying it. About 2 months ago, unbeknownst to me, my best friend confronted my OM one night by asking what was going between us and he said the same thing - we are close friends. He then turned the tables on her and asked her why doidn't she ask me since we are Best Friends, to which she replied that she did and my answer was that I have no idea what is going on. When she asked him about the late night calls, etc, his explanation was simply that "time flies by" when we are on the phone. He added that he isn't looking to be with anyone right now as he has "issues". All in all, he apparently was not surprised, upset or bothered by any of her questions.
Needless to say, my OM & I had a good talk after she left to go back home (out of state) - he laughed when I apologized for the fact that she ambushed him & said he didn't consider it an ambush. We talked about us as friends and how we are viewed together, at which time he said again that he has issues (which we have discussed in the past) and that if he ever led me on to believe that what we had was something more, he didn't mean to. He asked me if there was anything that I could recall specifically but I honestly told him there have been alot of little things, not just one thing. Of course, on the spot, I couldn't recall any of those little things. He added that he would never, ever intentionally hurt me. That is when he posed the old question - can't a woman and man just be friends? This was the first time I expressed my feelings for him and I made it clear that I have alot of male friends who are like brothers, but I do not consider him like a brother. He was quiet, had no response to that. Ironically, since then, we have gotten even closer. No awkwardness at all.
However, he is more aware of how other people perceive us together. He has said on more than one occassion that he doesn't care what people think or say. But he continues to say things like "uh-oh, the rumors are going to start", or something along those lines. Like on Valentine's night when he came over to help me with something for work and I thanked him by making dinner afterward and we just enjoyed each other's company. He made the comment "oh, what would people say if they knew we were spending the evening together." And another time when we drove to work together when my car was in the shop. There have been other times as well. If he doesn't care about how "we" are perceived, why does he continue to say this? My friends are telling me that it appears that he is realizing his feelings and is afraid to say anything. I am not sure anymore to be honest.
But what I think is odd is that he is appears to be afraid of letting his family know when we are hanging out together, etc. When a sibling was visiting him, he called me after this person had left his house for the evening. And when he received a call from another sibling the other day, he motioned for me to be quiet, only to quickly explain afterward when the call ended that he had asked me to stay quiet so this sibling could vent and know that he (my OM) was alone in the car and his sibling wouldn't be self-conscious that someone else was there.
I would absolutely LOVE any insight anyone may have - what do you think?

He has said on more than one occassion that he doesn't care what people think or say. But he continues to say things like "uh-oh, the rumors are going to start", or something along those lines. Like on Valentine's night when he came over to help me with something for work and I thanked him by making dinner afterward and we just enjoyed each other's company. He made the comment "oh, what would people say if they knew we were spending the evening together." And another time when we drove to work together when my car was in the shop. There have been other times as well. If he doesn't care about how "we" are perceived, why does he continue to say this?

He says this because he's trying to see how the whole idea of a relationship with you fits. He's voicing these thoughts to hear himself say them, and also to see how you react to the idea. You said he has issues. I'm betting he's trying to help himself get past some of those.
It sounds as if the relationship is continuing to grow in spite of his just wanting to "be friends," so hang in there and be patient. If it's ever going to amount to anything, it isn't going to happen over night. Don't let your head get in the way here. Bide your time and act on your gut instincts. I'm with you all the way longlashes.

Mike

How come you and your friends are expecting this guy to move faster? Whassup?

Since the period of time your relationship has grown is described as "the past few months" I don't detect anything unusual. This is ideal. Allow the relationship to develop into best friend or brother - sister type closeness, grow beyond a boy - girl friendship to a "best friend" or "sibling" type of unconditional love, and let the romance develop at its own pace.

You hold the answers to what's going on inside of him since you've already discussed his issues with him. He didn't pull any punches, those issues, whatever them may be, are significant to him.

The fact that he hasn't rushed the relationship along to hurry up to the sexual part is a very very good thing. This leads me to believe he respects you, has adult self control, and is not starved for love. All good stuff.

Have I missed something?

the old guy

I agree.

I would bet he has more feelings for you. His constant mention of what other people would think (to me) says he is insecure about those feelings, and maybe he's looking for some input from you on what YOU feel. Usually when others offer feelings on a particular subject, naturally, other will pipe in on how THEY feel on the same thing as well. Maybe a way for relating to one another. If you're not objected to the age difference (which really isn't that much) you should just say "Who cares what anyone else thinks?" and take it from there.

Don't push though, I agree with George on this, definitely keep the tight friendship, there will be so much love and trust already in place if a romantic relationship develops and those usually turn out best.

Thank you for all of your responses. I honestly feel a little better about my situation and your words of encouragement are to thank for that.
I probably should have clarified. I have known my OM for about 2 years, the last year is when we have gotten to know each other, it's just that the last few months have been the closest and what I believe, the best.
What frustrates me is that he ISN'T pulling any punches. He was married a long time ago (14 + yrs) to his H.S. sweetheart, but it only lasted about 4 yrs and ended badly. Since that time, he has been in only one other significant relationship. He has made it clear that he has issues, and I have to say, I think he is working past them. These issues deal w/a variety of things, not just relationships but self-confidence, career, etc. In the past few months, I believe he has changed for the better in that respect.
When he does bring up comments about "us", I usually tell him that I don't care what people think. He never replies after I do, just gets quiet or we move on to another topic.
In the beginning of our friendship, I believe the age gap bothered him but I don't think it's an issue anymore. Nor do I believe it ever was. He has a sibling my age who apparently has alot of growing up to do, maybe he has realized I am nothing like that, in the maturity aspect.
Of course I will continue to be his "close friend" (his words on more than one occassion, not mine), we have so much in common and it's just natural to be with him, I love it. It's just a matter of time to see if it is for real....

I had a guy who was my best friend and we were super close (he was only 4 years older than me) and throughout the friendship, I had fallen for him as more than a friend. I suspected he *migh* have *liked* me a little, but mostly that the flirting was just the way he was b/c I was like that too...
apparently everyone around us could tell we were in love with eachother... and it took a most perfect kiss at the stroke of midnight on new years eve of the new millenium. Kind of cheesy sounding to some... may not mean much to you, but it goes to show that people can act as friends while still hiding their true feelings (or most of them) to someone they are even especially close with. Just another little hopeful insight from a previous life experience. The relationship didn't work out in the long run, (and I'm pretty much the one to blame for that b/c I blew a 2nd chance with him and chose to stay with the new b/f I had started seeing) however, we're still good friends today (obviously not the same) but we're working on getting closer again and his *cough* wife has been more understanding of the need he and I have to stay connected.