Could use some advice moms

I know I don't post very often. This might be considered relationship stuff, but it's about my 18 yr old son. I am at a loss for what to do. He's been diagnosed bipolar/adhd, but all the meds he's been put on: wellbutrin, risperdol, depakote, all huge doses, have done ZIP to help with his antagonistic, abusive, reckless behavior. He's been in counseling since he was 5 yr old & I guess it helps, but not enough.
I'm a single parent & I'm at the end of my rope. I would just like him to move out, but it seems like he can't even get it together to find a job. He's still in high school, even tho there's no way in hell, he'll ever graduate. He insisted on still there going to see his friends. (I think it's probably becuz he doesn't want to grow up)
He has started seeing a disabilities vocational counselor to help him get it together to find a job, get a driver's license, etc. The problem is I'm just so burned out dealing with him alone, no family or friends to help & I just don't have the strength to argue with him about what he needs to do. I do drive him to appts, but his "attempts" to put in apps & stuff are just a waste of my time. He never follows up on them.
I just really want him to move out. He's been spending time at his friend's parent's house on weekends & they told him he can rent the basement to live in, but how can he if he has no job. I even had him apply for food stamps to help out with expenses like food, but of course the stupid agency thinks it's still my responsibility to provide for him. I don't make a fortune, people.
The last straws are coming now. After putting numerous holes in our rented apt walls, he's now starting to toss around his extensive knife collection. He just showed me where he stabbed himself in the leg, when it "accidentally slipped out of his hand". This sent me over the edge. He gave me some b.s. about how it was cool that it didn't go in any deeper, how buff he is & everything & I was supposed to be impressed!:mad: Well, I told him I was going to start keeping records of the damage & danger he's causing in our home & I took some pics with my phone of the walls & stuff & he just laughed it off. He told me he could do what he wants in his bedroom & that I shouldn't worry about him since he was an "adult" now! I told him if he was going to do that shit that he needs to move out I don't want to watch it!
Do you think it's right for me just to evict him out in the street? His friends think I'm a monster for even considering it. Probably becuz they've got rich daddies paying for everything they own & they don't even appreciate it.
So do you think I'm a monster for considering having him evicted? What would you do? Thanx for your input.

JG

Girl YOU need to tell his mental health person he is seeing and NOW before he flips out on you. My daughter went through this and was put in the mental ward not once but 2 times. After she moved and went through extensive counciling as well as I going to it alone and with her life seemed to get better. YOU are NOT ALONE on this at all

With this behavior you can't argue with someone who is like that and do not warn him you are taking pics do it and take them in ...if you warn him this could trigger him into violent behavior....TAKE THOSE PICS IN and TELL I beg you TELL his council what he is doing and you fear for your and his safety...ASAP do not wait on this. His behavior is unacceptable and he is not only a danger to YOU but a danger to himself as well.

If THEY do not do anything call the police if it comes down to it. I know he is your child but sometimes tough love is what we have to do.


THINKING OF YOU AND HUGS!
prayers heading your way!

Well, it doesn't sound like there is any reasoning with him..but a few things.

First off, it doesn't matter if he is an "adult" or not, as long as he is living in your house, he follows your rules. That isn't HIS bedroom, that's your extra bedroom he is living in.

If your rule is no knives in the house, no punching the walls, no causing damage, and he can't follow the rules, then I think you should ask him to leave. You can make it his choice, by sitting down and saying

Hey buddy, this is my house, I pay for it, and here are the rules here. If you can't abide by my rules, then you have to find another place to stay. When you have your own place that you pay for, you can do whatever you want, but until then...it's my way or the highway.

I had to tell my own son if he could not follow the rules in my home he would have to leave, and it was so hard. But sheesh, gal, you can't go around feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

I can tell from your post you are truly at the end of your rope...I can feel the frustration, and I'm so sorry. Teenagers are truly....an unbelievable experience. I wish there was more I could do....

Gosh, I know how hard this is, but the deal is, you can't afford to lose yourself. The loss of you cannot happen. You recognize that you are completely out of your element here, and that you need help. Baker Act him based on the knives, then get that counselor to find the next right step.
You MUST put the oxygen mask on yourself first, right now. I truly empathize with you, but focus must be on you. Al-Anon Family Groups can be very helpful...

He needs to understand that he needs to get out. He needs to understand that you love him.

I am so sorry.

He needs help! Not criticism, not to be turned out into the streets but help! How do you help him? Like someone else said you should contact his counselor and try to get him in an institution or change his medication. He has a problem over which he has little control without professional intervention. This is not just a teenager acting out; he has an illness so the normal rules do not apply until he is stabilized which obviously he's not. Are you sure he's taking his meds regularly? Sometimes it takes a while to get the right combination of meds to get his condition under control!

I feel your pain, but he's still your child and he needs help!

Thanx for your input. I've been considering if he's sick enough to be hospitalized, but it's a tricky situation. He acts totally normal around others at school & stuff, he just saves up this weird behavior for me. He's become so obsessed with weapons, fighting, war & stuff, it's scary. I wouldn't let him start playing intense video games until he was about 15 & I thought it was safe, but he just dove into them. Now, he's obsessed & talks about nothing but weapons, watches all the shows on tv about it, surfs the web for how to build bombs, etc etc. He talks about wanting to be a sniper. He wants to join the military, but I think that would be the worst thing he can do. He talks very convincingly about how he's totally cut out for the military, he's got exceptional aim, he's tough, almost super-human tough, but I just think it would be a disaster! He gets total support from the "dudes" he hangs out with. They all party btw, while he swears he doesn't. I suggested becoming a cop, a PI, do security, anything besides killing people, but he doesn't seem interested.
I work with the disabled & I think the only way you can get someone hospitalized, IF you can afford it, is if they're a definite danger to themselves or others. I'm not sure this qualifies, but it's coming close.
Btw, he's not seeing a counselor at the moment. We don't even have insurance. I don't think he's even interested in seeing anyone. I'm seeing someone tho, & she's really nice. He came with me once to a meeting & she met him & said I should help him become independent. I don't know what to think. I sure don't feel comfortable w/him out there by himself, even if he has a place to live. It's hard to know what to do!:confused:

Hey people, I'm 'the son'. My mother thought it best that I read her statement and the responses in hopes of helping me realize other peoples take on the situation. I wouldn't normally wouldn't talk to other people about problems and I don't want to turn this into a place where we complain about each other, but I felt her previous statements were a little 'incomplete' in the sense that certain important things were omitted, and would like to post what facts I thought were important to know.
First off it's true we argue much more than we should but I personally think that things have gotten better than they used to be, not good, maybe not even acceptable, but better. The holes in walls previously mentioned, there are three and have not been any new ones since over a year ago, the last one was from missing a TV show, not that it's an excuse, but as I've been working out a lot over the last couple years and am improving my prowess, I've realized that a wall will no longer withstand my fists(or feet as the case was). And so have stopped hitting walls.
Second, I have no intention of hurting or killing anyone, (despite my hobbies and 'possible' career interests, but I will get back to that). I have never raised my fist against my mother, or have ever had the impulse to. Unless you count throwing my hands up or grabbing my own hair in frustration. I have thrown stuff before, such as a clear tape dispenser(the small plastic one and opposite direction of her.) or knocking a foot stool on it's side that was a few months ago. But never an urge to harm someone.
As per the knife. I have an affinity for weapons. I love practicing with them not on people but in my room without targets of any kind. I love bb guns and am a good shot, which I admit i take pride in, that I do use gelatin targets for. I don't know why I love weapons but hate violence. Maybe it's the choreography(I hate sitting still too long) or the mechanics(I've taken apart my bb guns to see how they operate.) I do watch war movies and play war games. I'm a teenage male. doesn't seem all that unusual. I like seeing the good guys win, through tactics and intelligence. I do strongly believe in physical fighting to protect someone. I hate the Saw movies and am disgusted with anyone who watches them.
I recently was practicing with a knife and slipped up and stabbed my self in the outer thigh. I was astounded that the wound was not deeper and theorized that the only rational explanation was muscles tissue. That could be where the term "super human" or "bulletproof" came in. Not my words. I patched my self up and went back to practicing. The laughter was from disbelief.
My mother calls the weapons and obsession, but I work out even more. It's healthy for me but she does not call it an obsession for some reason.
Yes I'm looking for a job and yes, I'm not putting everything I've got into it. Not a smart thing, but I'm not going to lie.
I'm not going to snap and I don't feel like I'm trying not to. Sorry but just want to clear things up. And sorry for the lengthy message.

You're 18. If you want to be an adult (which you technically are), you need to act like one. Get a job. Get a driver's license. Get your own place. Do whatever you can to graduate high school, or if for some reason you can't, get a GED. Then you can go to community college or a university, or get some real training and start working in a trade. There are lots of opportunities for people who are mechanically inclined - anything from machinist to engineer, and so on. But most people don't get to be successful without effort. And you don't want to struggle your whole life. It's a lot more fun to set goals and reach them and to do something you enjoy than it is to work menial jobs and be treated accordingly because you never put in the effort to really become skilled in anything. It's certainly not too late to do really great things with your life. When I was a teenager my mom could have said (and did say) similar things about me, but I finally got my shit together and went to college and then went to grad school. And I'm glad I didn't waste more time than I did. It's tough being a teenager as it is, and it's tougher when you've got other stuff to deal with. I have ADHD as well, and that, as well as bipolar, can be a real challenge, but don't let it become an excuse. We're all dealt different decks but we have a responsibility, mostly to ourselves, to do the best we can with what we've got. What you owe to your mom is to be polite and to follow her rules while you're in her house. What you owe to yourself is much more than that. You don't sound lazy and you don't sound stupid. But you sound like you don't have any real direction. Nobody else is going to come along and give that to you, you have to make it yourself. It can seem kind of overwhelming, but it's just one step at a time, really. Start moving in a positive direction and you might find that it's easier than it appeared.

Hey, I hope it was cool to let my son in on this. I hope I didn't break any rules or make anyone feel awkward. I apologize if I did. I just wanted him to see some outside opinions of this situation instead of just my take. Sometimes it's like talking to a wall.
He said he's satisfied & won't be reading this thread anymore so if anyone wants to voice an opinion w/out fear of offending him, please feel free to do so.

Thanx again.

Well
To the son
You are 18 and I realize you are interested in a variety of things. However you are considered an adult in many peoples eyes and yet you are not acting like one. If you get fustrated at your mom WALK...go walk run use that fustration in a postive manner...get a punching bag or go work out. Get involved in a postive instead of a negative. You would feel better working making your own money and helping pay bills if your living with your mom. If you want to be treated like an adult then show her you can be one by making steps to become a better man..I know you love your mom but you both need counciling and also to understand where she is coming from. If you want to live there then you need to follow rules and help out. Showing that *violent side such as tossing throwing or punching things...solves nothing

To mom
Screaming will get you nowhere however I would set rules if he can't follow those, then move out. Rules are rules its your house.
I also feel you both need some group and individual counciling as well. I know you love your son but you also have to love who you are as well.
Sceaming solves nothing but I feel both of you seeking some outside help together will do you both a world of good.

I know I don't post very often. This might be considered relationship stuff, but it's about my 18 yr old son. I am at a loss for what to do. He's been diagnosed bipolar/adhd, but all the meds he's been put on: wellbutrin, risperdol, depakote, all huge doses, have done ZIP to help with his antagonistic, abusive, reckless behavior. He's been in counseling since he was 5 yr old & I guess it helps, but not enough.
I'm a single parent & I'm at the end of my rope. I would just like him to move out, but it seems like he can't even get it together to find a job. He's still in high school, even tho there's no way in hell, he'll ever graduate. He insisted on still there going to see his friends. (I think it's probably becuz he doesn't want to grow up)
He has started seeing a disabilities vocational counselor to help him get it together to find a job, get a driver's license, etc. The problem is I'm just so burned out dealing with him alone, no family or friends to help & I just don't have the strength to argue with him about what he needs to do. I do drive him to appts, but his "attempts" to put in apps & stuff are just a waste of my time. He never follows up on them.
I just really want him to move out. He's been spending time at his friend's parent's house on weekends & they told him he can rent the basement to live in, but how can he if he has no job. I even had him apply for food stamps to help out with expenses like food, but of course the stupid agency thinks it's still my responsibility to provide for him. I don't make a fortune, people.
The last straws are coming now. After putting numerous holes in our rented apt walls, he's now starting to toss around his extensive knife collection. He just showed me where he stabbed himself in the leg, when it "accidentally slipped out of his hand". This sent me over the edge. He gave me some b.s. about how it was cool that it didn't go in any deeper, how buff he is & everything & I was supposed to be impressed!:mad: Well, I told him I was going to start keeping records of the damage & danger he's causing in our home & I took some pics with my phone of the walls & stuff & he just laughed it off. He told me he could do what he wants in his bedroom & that I shouldn't worry about him since he was an "adult" now! I told him if he was going to do that shit that he needs to move out I don't want to watch it!
Do you think it's right for me just to evict him out in the street? His friends think I'm a monster for even considering it. Probably becuz they've got rich daddies paying for everything they own & they don't even appreciate it.
So do you think I'm a monster for considering having him evicted? What would you do? Thanx for your input.

JG

My brother is very simiar to your son...not that bad YET...but not far from it. I wish she WOULD kick him out already. He's 18...I see nothing wrong with it.

Do what i did, kick his a** out. Some people will only grow up when forced into it. My son is doing great now. Honor roll , good job. He thanked me the other day and told me, if you didn't boot me out of here i would have NEVER gotten my act together. He will be graduating soon , better late than never. And is currently enrolling in college.

he's not seeing a counselor at the moment. We don't even have insurance

My husband is bipolar, and a "light' case as these things go. He is unemployed at the moment and we have no insurance either. We have managed to get him into the county public health system and they have a sliding scale, and it looks like his meds will be either free or very inexpensive. I would highly reccommend you go there, and that YOU as his mom, go to appointments and sit in also. Being bipolar is nothing to fool around with. It can be all minor, and then without any meds it can get out of hand. It will not go away by itself, and it can flare up and ruin your life. Don't let that happen. Educate yourself. One of the books we got is "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies", there are lots more out there.

to the son: Educate yourself also. It's a bummer, but if you want to come even close to living a normal life, get serious about your meds and your counseling. Then get serious about school and getting some kind of education, tech school or otherwise. It's time to grow up. If you want to be treated as an "adult" you have to take responsibility for your own life and actions.

I have a son who is 22 now. When he was 17 he went through some issues too and we had some knock down drag out fights. He dropped out of high school for no reason at all. Believe me, I wanted to go the tough love route and send him packing too.

At 19 he was diagnosed as bipolar. If I had kicked him out I doubt this diagnosis would have happened and that he would not be on the medication now that has given him his life back. He could not have afforded the doctor visits or the medications. I shudder to think where he would be now, had I thrown him out.

He graduated from college with a BS degree, has a wonderful job in social services, a place of his own and a new car. We are very close. And he thanks me all the time for being there for him, when nobody else would. Just because a boy is 18 does not mean he's an adult emotionally. We are all different. But I believe that parents owe it to there children to do everything possible to make them productive citizens of society.

Obviously I don't know everything that is going on in your situation ... but from working with youth & their families going through crisis as part of my job, I'm going to offer some things that I've seen work. I can't promise they will with you, but perhaps something is better than nothing?

First ... seems like the two of you are working at cross purposes a bit. You need to be able to sit down together and work out plans. He HAS to be involved in this, and you need to value his input (because no one will work a plan someone else makes for them half as hard as they will their own). Your role should be more of a coach, helping him clarify and correct his goals, not telling him what they should be. It might even help to have a less involved 3rd party sit down with both of you and work through this. Make SMALL goals - baby steps - perhaps one or two each week, very specific, and write them down and post them. One recent week goal I helped a family with was something like... the son was very depressed, and said that writing or playing music helps him when he gets that way, and talking to people. So we identified what people he could reach out to talk to, and we wrote down that he would plan to sit down with his music at least twice that week. His mother said that she could help keep peace and relaxation in the house by cooking a meal he enjoyed one or two evenings, and because he said when he's depressed he needs hugs, she also said she would give him hugs daily. We even clarified not in public please mom ;)

As for the knives/weapons ... it seems like you aren't getting very far saying don't do it, that it might be causing a lot of arguments. Perhaps he needs to prove to you that he can be a responsible adult with these, by only "playing" with them safely where he and no one else gets hurt, including property. Maybe in only one specific place in the basement. The other option is to forbid it in your house entirely, yes it is your house, but it just seems from your post that has only been causing more conflict.

The three holes in the wall? I would make him repair those. He can go mow a lawn or something to make enough money to buy a small jar of plaster. Then he can learn how to patch and repair the hole. He can look up on any internet do-it-yourself website how to do this properly. This seems like a skill he might need in his life anyway. We do that in our shelter when a youth punches the wall ... and usually if they know they're going to have to fix it they tend to not do it again. Leaving it or fixing it yourself almost becomes co-dependent and doesn't help him learn being responsible for his actions.

It is also true that some people don't grow up until they are forced to. Yet you seem understandably hesitant to make him leave. But you also don't have to put up with this behavior, and I'm sure he doesn't really want to act this way. There IS a middle ground, you don't have to live with either extreme.

Not sure any of this helps you, but I figured it sure can't if I don't share. *hugs*

I really appreciate all your opinions & advice people. I'm beginning to think I might have to give him a push. I'm just beginning to believe that we bring out the worst behavior in each other & that he will make no effort to stand on his own 2 feet until he has to.
I can't bear the thought of him sitting around the house all summer & making no effort to get anything accomplished, all becuz "mommy" wants him to. I think if he goes to his friends house, signs up for aid if he has to, that he will have to start a serious job search then. I know he's a capable worker & I can be there to help him when he needs it w/out being overwhelmed w/his abrasive behavior. I can deal w/that situation. He can even enroll in a school on the side or complete a correspondence course like I did.
I plan on being encouraging & supportive, offer him rides when he needs them to get things done, talk to him on the phone, he'll only be 5 minutes away.
It might seem scary at first, but I think it will work out.
My sister's considering moving to town & is coming for a visit next month. I think with her support, I could do this. She'll need a place to stay too & might move in if we get along ok.