Stuck between a rock and hard place

I've never been so confused in my life. I have fallen in love with a women about 7 years my younger and can not tell her. Why you may ask, it's because I am married. My marraige is not what I would call the best in the world, but I can not end it. I am not that type of person, I still love my wife, but I am far from in love with her. I just wish I knew what to do and how to handle my feelings.:confused:

Wow Learman, Im not sure what to do with your feelings; however....since you are still married and you said there is no chance of you leaving your wife, I think it's better you do nothing about them, if that makes sense. I would not tell the young lady of your feelings.

I know how things happen, and you develop feelings for someone and it's almost like you can't help it...but it's how you choose to handle those feelings that really matters.

If you truly care for the younger lady, I would never mention it to her. If eventually a time comes where you are single....then that would be different...

I've never been so confused in my life. I have fallen in love with a women about 7 years my younger and can not tell her. Why you may ask, it's because I am married. My marraige is not what I would call the best in the world, but I can not end it. I am not that type of person, I still love my wife, but I am far from in love with her. I just wish I knew what to do and how to handle my feelings.:confused:

May I ask what you mean, "fallen in love"......?

sora

May I ask what you mean, "fallen in love"......?

sora

I may not be the best in expressing the meaning of falling in love, but for me every waking moment she is on my mind. I am never going to justice to this. She makes me smile, when she is hurting I am hurting, when we are apart I long to be near her. I know this is not very expressive and I'm sorry, it's to complicated to put into words. It's a feeling in my heart and soul.

It's been my personal experience that when married and having that type of "feeling" and borderline obsession for someone else, it's a clear sign your emotional needs are not being met by your spouse. I was married 15yrs and never thought of another man until the end, and developed a "crush" on a coworker. I never acted on it, but it was a huge red flag the marriage was dying. I eventually divorced but after much effort to save my marriage.

Feelings are just that.... you *can* manage them or ride them out, without taking action to validate them. The key is to focus all your energy on your marriage and ask yourself "what am I missing here that I'm wanting somewhere else?" Then ask yourself if counseling, books, or some enlightening conversations with the wife would facilitate "a positive change" that would fullfill your needs within your marital commitment.

You are longing for another because your marriage is lacking and possibly you are having low self-worth. This other person makes you "feel good", but it's fantasy blended with the emptiness inside you. This other woman is not necessarily better than your wife and surely flawed as well. If you did leave your wife, you'd face disappointment in the new one at some point....it's life.

Try to focus on your marriage and improving your own self worth. Get counseling for YOU if nothing else, to help you sort through these feelings.

I think you know what to do, do what's right, be loyal to your wife.

Do not tell this other woman about your feelings.

How do you handle those feelings? Start by understanding them. The feeling is not love. The feeling is the obsessive, romantic, exciting, intoxicating feeling that we feel when we meet somebody new, and we happen to be in the right emotional frame of mind, the right hormones are exchanged, something is triggered in your brain and "wham" you are hooked. Lets call this the romantic feeling, but not love.

Love means you care about somebody else enduringly as much as you care about yourself because they are special to you. This is the feeling you have for your wife, and it is the real deal. It is the substance of life. It is the feeling you have for children, family, friends. You can love many people, and the love you have for one person does not get in the way of the love you have for another.

The romantic feeling is intoxicating, overwhelming, addictive. It is very strong. I agree it is a great feeling, but it is sometimes a bad thing to be under its influence because it takes control and makes us ignore our better judgement, it makes us consider decisions we would never consider otherwise. A good example is the dilemma you are in. The romantic feeling is not logical, it makes us want to abandon our lives and everything we've worked for in order to be with a stranger, somebody we don't really know. We can have this romantic feeling for people who would make terrible companions, as many of us here have found out at one time or another in our lives. Having this romantic feeling for somebody does not mean having a relationship with them would be a good decision, or that they would even make a good companion. It does not mean you belong together. Because of this the romantic feeling is absolutely the worst thing to base a relationship or life decision upon.

As a man, if you can't be proud of who you are, you will have nothing. I know you want to do what is right. So arm yourself with the understanding of what you are really feeling, and fight the thing that has been triggered in your brain. Avoid contact with this other lady, push the obsessive thoughts out of your mind as best as possible, keep your mind occupied in other things. Hug your wife and affirm your love to her, take her out on a date or better a romantic weekend. Fall in love with her again. Seek the counseling that has been advised by others. Learn how to love yourself, and be your own source for love. When we become our own source for love it improves our relationships and is a good defense against getting into the position you find yourself in.

best of luck, George

George said what I was thinking much more eloquently. Low self worth combined with breakdown in communication/intimacy is the two worst enemies of a healthy marriage. You have to love yourself enough to know that NO one person is going to fill that empty space inside you. You have to realize "love" is a choice shown by actions; more than a "feeling" or obsession.

I know how miserable I was when I went through this. I had horrible self-worth brought on my weight-gain and my husbands constant verbal abuse. Someone made me laugh at work one day, and I was "hooked". It wasn't so much about that particular man, but the "feeling" he gave me, that I couldn't give myself anymore. It was a confusing time for me.

If your wife isn't abusive, but possibly grown complacent....talk to her. Tell her you're lonely for what you once had with her. Ask her how "she feels" and see if you can find those butterflies in what you already have. Look at your life and ask how you can find JOY again without getting it from another person. Plug back into your marriage and let this fantasy go. Reality of taking actions in such situations are hard, damaging lessons that most regret.

I agree with everyone else. But I commend you on recognizing that something has to be said and that you need others input as you are not exactly your best friend right now or your wife's.

She makes me smile, when she is hurting I am hurting, when we are apart I long to be near her.

But you don't know what kind of material she is. Remember people put their best face forward. You don't know her dating style or what makes her tick beyond that smile.

This other woman is not necessarily better than your wife and surely flawed as well. If you did leave your wife, you'd face disappointment in the new one at some point....it's life.

And this is the rub. I want you to see the flip side of this, and that is that you ALSO are flawed and there's a good possiblity that your wife is also bored with you, because that's what it sounds like. Hence, she's not putting in as much effort because she has noticed your disinterest. you're looking at it from your prespective, now look at it from hers. And if YOU'RE bored, whose to say if anything will improve with a new partner, you just may be exchanging one deed for another.

But you can go to your wife and see if both of you feel the same and then work from there. You both deserve to give it the very best chance for survival and secure your integrity and keep it intact. Good luck to you, this doesn't have to blow you down unless you let it.

Paris

I think most marriages involve one or both partners not being "in love" after a time. I think it's normal, to be honest.

The idea of marriage being tied to "romantic love" is a relatively new concept. For years it was essentially a business transaction. But nowadays people are very quick to say stuff like, "Well, if you are feeling like x, your spouse isn't meeting all your needs" or something. Newsflash -- you don't marry someone so that all your needs will be met. People are putting too many fairytale expectations into marriages/relationships these days. Marriage is work, but people don't like that and think they "deserve" to feel in love forever.

I feel there are certain vital needs that spouses should mutually "try" to meet.

Respecting and honoring one another is high on the list. Physical needs also. The key is to figure out "what" is missing here and then hone in on how to fix it. Low self-esteem means working on loving yourself. Physical disconnection from the spouse might mean breaking down the walls that cause that. If he's just "bored" with life, then get a fullfilling hobby.

Marriage takes work and committment to the work... it's like a house that needs upkeep, fresh paint and lots of love to make it a home. Otherwise the weeds grow up, things fall apart and pretty soon the rain is pouring in. If you neglect your house long enough, it no longer gives you the "feeling" of home. Give it the care it needs and that feeling *can* return. Running to another house only means you will eventually end up in the same situation. Just my .02 cents.

You didn't mention if you have kids. If so, you really need to seriously work with your wife to revive your marriage, which you should do regardless. I know what it's like to look at other women and have fantasies, that happens to all of us from time to time. But I think of my wife and the love and devotion she's given me over the years, and my kids and how precious they are, and those thoughts go right out of my mind. We're all human, but sometimes we need to step back, look at the bigger picture and put things in perspective.

There is a sticky thread on the opening page of this forum titled "But... but... I LOVE him" that I think you should read. It will give you invaluable insight into your situation.

I may not be the best in expressing the meaning of falling in love, but for me every waking moment she is on my mind. I am never going to justice to this. She makes me smile, when she is hurting I am hurting, when we are apart I long to be near her. I know this is not very expressive and I'm sorry, it's to complicated to put into words. It's a feeling in my heart and soul.

Are you in a relationship with her already and haven't confessed your love for her yet?

I'm confused to how you would feel her hurt and have a longing to be near her if you haven't "told" her how you feel.

I understand how it is complicated to you. You are married and say that you love your wife but are not in love with her. But, in reality, if you step back and analyze your situation, it may just be lust that you have for this new person.

Chances are if you are not "in love" with your wife, she's most likely not "in love" with you either. Perhaps you both have fallen out of love, however, you "love" each other.

Please re-evaluate your situation. If you feel that you do not desire to be married to your wife, then you need to break it off and start anew. Confessing your love for this new person will cause harm to many people. There will be a chain reaction and many people will be hurt. You can not have your cake and eat it too. You owe your wife respect. If nothing else allow her to walk away from this marriage with her integrity and pride intact. Then act upon your feelings for another person.

Lust can get people in so much hot water. They think that it is love, they run with it, perhaps because the grass looks greener on the other side...and sometimes it is......but in your case, I really think you're doing your wife an injustice......

just my thoughts
sora

Thank you all for your input.

You all make very good points and I really do appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

True what they all said. Good for you for posting about your feelings! When things like this happen, it's a red flag that you and your wife need to step back and really take a hard look at your relationship. You have probably both gotten complacent and "boring" to each other.

Remember how you used to treat your wife when you were courting her? How long has it been since you did any of those things?

I totally reccomend having a good long honest talk with your wife about your marriage. And then arrange some couples counseling. You CAN get those "loving feelings" back.

talk to your wife, tell her how you feel and find ways that will show her what you need out of your relationship together. Including this YW in this now by telling her how you feel just makes things more complicated for you because this is another person that can potentially be hurt. I hope it works out for you. Best wishes