One night stand or something more?b

I’m 21, and have been seeing this 33-year-old man called Peter. He was previously married, (18 months ago) and had just moved back to the country after traveling around the world for years. On the second date we slept together and I spent the night at his place, we talked into the night and the next day we had breakfast and I dropped him off at the train station for work. He texted me that afternoon and asked how I am and we exchanged a few texts. However I haven’t heard from him after that and it’s been two days.

We’ve talked about it and both of us aren’t particularly looking for a relationship (I’m more reluctant to get into a relationship than he is, unless it’s with the right person). He did let something slip when he asked me if I want to stay the night, saying something about how he usually would have kicked the girl out by now (charming, I thought).

I really like him as I think we’re compatible, think alike and have such great conversations. However I don’t know whether he regarded it as a one-night stand or something more, and I’m torturing myself thinking about the situation and it’s only been two days! How can I tell and what can I do subtly to find out what he thinks?

Any thoughts would be appreciated… :)

Well, I think if it has been two days I would send him a friendly text message and see what he's up to.

I think you will have to play it be ear to see what he is thinking in regards to the encounter...Just start up a text conversation and see how he reacts.

It is difficult for me to give you advise because I come from the time before text messages, cellphones, emails et al. In my time and age, if a guy was interested he would call you on the phone, and set up the next date for the next weekend.

When I met my bf on the internet, in a chat room, after the first time we chatted, we added each other as buddies and arranged a time for the next day when we would meet again online.

I do not know if this comparison is appropriate. :confused:

As Jody says, text him and see what happens.

I would just find a fun activity to do and ask him if he wants to come along.

If he's interested in you, he'll be thrilled and he'll try to know more about you during that date. if he just wants to sleep with you he'd rather just invite you over to his place when he feels like it.

Just don't be pushy, call him with a happy attitude "hello, how have you been? I'm going to ..... this weekend, thought you might like to join" type of call.

It is difficult for me to give you advise because I come from the time before text messages, cellphones, emails et al. In my time and age, if a guy was interested he would call you on the phone, and set up the next date for the next weekend.

When I met my bf on the internet, in a chat room, after the first time we chatted, we added each other as buddies and arranged a time for the next day when we would meet again online.

I do not know if this comparison is appropriate. :confused:

As Jody says, text him and see what happens.

I'm with Shelia on this , in my experience if a guys is interested he will call . Or in my case my YM stopped by my house or called every day for a year , mind you we were just friends at that point because i would never consider the idea of dating. But i realize that for the most part things go different in todays society , we were discussing something the other day and i said "well , we weren't together then" and he came back with "well , i was talking to you" so i guess my point is , it seems todays standards are different. I say call him and see what he says.;)

Send him a text to see how he is!

Moxi23 welcome to Ageless!

Do you have a sense he is the kind of guy who will give you a straight answer to a question regardless of how it will make you feel? If so, telephone him & ask "Am I gonna see you again or was that a one night stand". Men can handle direct questions, it will not ruffle his feathers to the point he would change his mind about anything.

However, if he is not an assertive person he may say yes even though the true answer is no. In that case you haven't accomplished anything besides getting your hopes up only to be let down further.

If you call and he makes it sound like you're being too clingy or demanding and therefore because of your phone call he's decided not to see you again, the truth is the answer was no already, the rest is just his excuse.

Do you have a sense he is the kind of guy who will give you a straight answer to a question regardless of how it will make you feel? If so, telephone him & ask "Am I gonna see you again or was that a one night stand".

I like this straightforward approach! I'm pretty sure he would text back if I sent him a text but then I feel like it's a game of guessing and I'd be over-analyzing. I think I'll give him a call tonight and let you guys know how it goes... I'm nervous!

He did let something slip when he asked me if I want to stay the night, saying something about how he usually would have kicked the girl out by now (charming, I thought).

This sentence really strikes a nerve with me. It screams " I do this all the time." That wouldn't make me feel special. That guy is a man ho. I mean, think about it.

I really like him as I think we’re compatible, think alike and have such great conversations. However I don’t know whether he regarded it as a one-night stand or something more, and I’m torturing myself thinking about the situation and it’s only been two days! How can I tell and what can I do subtly to find out what he thinks?

Any thoughts would be appreciated… :)

Considering you've only known him two days, I say you have a lot more time to think about if you're even compatible. You've already had sex with him, so the relationship from here on out will be based on sex. But what do I know, it could happen to me too, but I'm just saying, take it easy.

Considering you've only known him two days, I say you have a lot more time to think about if you're even compatible. You've already had sex with him, so the relationship from here on out will be based on sex. But what do I know, it could happen to me too, but I'm just saying, take it easy.

Sorry dear but I agree with Scott2075. The relationship got way too close way too fast. Text him certainly, but don't be surprised if he doesn't reply. If he does, get to know him a little better before pursuing the physical stuff.

Good luck,
Mike

... That guy is a man ho ...


http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h51/gp_fillmore/manho3.jpg

:bgrin2:

:no:I am of the opinion that if a guy got into as deep a discussion to say he isn't looking for a relationship, and slept with you in the same two day period:(...........

he's a PLAYER:yes:

Well within the hour of posting the last message I recieved a txt from him asking what I'm doing in the weekend and how my car is (I had major problems with the repairs). Part of the text conversation below :

HIM: What are you doing for the weekend?
ME: Going to the XXX beach
HIM:Hey that sounds nice, let me know if you're around :)
ME:Or you can come with me
HIM: Sounds good :)

So we've arranged to meet up and go to the beach in the weekend. I'll probably question him about what he thinks then. I know I made the mistake of sleeping with him too early and I'm certainly not going to jump into bed with him anytime soon.

I don't know whether he is shy with initating a date or he is just not interested. He texts me and calls me, and suggested a first date. But afterwards I initated the second date and now the third. He seems to do the contacting part but I do the actual asking and suggesting we grab dinner, etc.


:no:I am of the opinion that if a guy got into as deep a discussion to say he isn't looking for a relationship, and slept with you in the same two day period:(...........

he's a PLAYER:yes:

He is looking for a relationship but only with the right person and the right reasons (according to him). But yeah we would never know what he really means.

Just adding to my last statement above - he told me he is looking for a relationship because he thinks he is ready to move on. But then he found out that I just came out of a three-year relationship 4 months ago, so I think he is wary because he said to me 'I think the worst thing some people may do is get into another relationship for a rebound or simply because the person's scared to be alone.'

And also he contradicts himself that night - when I confessed I don't usually jump into physical stuff so soon, he also said he doesn't either. So who knows?

Just adding to my last statement above - he told me he is looking for a relationship because he thinks he is ready to move on. But then he found out that I just came out of a three-year relationship 4 months ago, so I think he is wary because he said to me 'I think the worst thing some people may do is get into another relationship for a rebound or simply because the person's scared to be alone.'

And also he contradicts himself that night - when I confessed I don't usually jump into physical stuff so soon, he also said he doesn't either. So who knows?


Girl, he is rebounding, so he is right. He will be hooking up with you for the wrong reasons. It takes a good year for someone to get over a relationship. I mean, now a days, three years seems like a long time to be with someone, and by saying scared of being alone is another thing, but guys miss out on getting laid. Please protect yourself. He is contradicting himself, so he is confused, I would tread carefully.

Moxi,

My take on this has been on the "easy side" because from the beginning I realized it takes two to tango, and if we refer to Peter as a player, that would make you a player too. After all, Peter hasn't deceived you or tricked you into doing anything. In fact, he's been rather honest if his intentions were to string you along.

Rather than label either of you, I believe that you went into this meeting with Peter with no specific plan or goal, and neither did he. Just two lonely souls who needed a little touch. We've all been there.

Do you agree?

the old guy

I do not want to seem like a lose woman (:rolleyes:) but to me saying "I will not have sex with you because it is too soon" sounds like a game. You already had sex with him. If you feel passionate with him, why say "not now"? On the other hand, if you feel uncomfortable, or are having second thoughts, there is not reason to have sex with him just because you had sex before. My point is... do what feels natural, comfortable and pleasant wether it is to have sex or not to have it.

Now getting your heart involved is something else. Be aware of all the risks and pay attention to his attitude towards you. I see nothing wrong in the fact that he is the one who contacts you and you are the one who suggests the activity. Many men do that.

You still have a long road ahead of you to discover if you are compatible, if you share values, and if this has long-term potential. Best of luck.

Scott2075, Geo55 and Sheila4pd - all very good and valid points I agree with each of you.

Neither of us were planning anything - it just happened and it felt right. And it wasn't like he was trying to get me into bed, I did the initating as well. In fact he cooked dinner for me and was a complete gentleman, offering to wash up too and sit on a different couch to me the whole night before I made the first move.

At first I didn't think I'd get attached, but after finding myself telling him about my background and family problems (which I normally keep a secret) and him doing the same as we lay in bed came a different feeling.

I think I will just have to watch him carefully and try not to get attached... will see how the next date goes.

Just an update:

We did manage to have a talk about where our relationship may be going. He was really happy I had brought the issue up because he had been wondering whether I had regarded it as a one nighter. He says he really likes me but he thinks that we're on different stages of our lives (I want to travel but he had just traveled the world and wants to settle down) and it won't work long-term, (he has been in a relationship where he was made to stay in UK because his ex-wife won't move with him) and that he will hold me back. I told him I don't think that far, and that we don't even know whether we're compatible or not, and we can always compromise in the future if the issue comes up. He admits he doesn't know what he wants and that we should both think about it.

It's hard because he is a wonderful person and has all the attributes that I look for. I'm giving him space until he sorts himself out, but I'm not optimistic that he would want to start anything with me.

Any thoughts?

I am not optimistic either. You have just listed a series of "buts" and "barriers" that have been basically presented by HIM. HE wont travel, HE thinks you are in different stages in life (Duh), HE thinks it will not work long term, HE thinks he will hold you back. While these are the typical objections in the first stage of almost every AGR (OW/YM and YW/OM), these objections may be overcome or become an insurmountalbe obstacle.

I think that you are taking the right attitude. Give him space. Let him figure out what he feels and wants. Keep making yourself available as a friend, but at this point, to avoid confusion, do not have sex with him.

If he gives you a glimpse of hope, but is concerned about the age gap, I suggest that you delete this thread and invite him to this site, so he can see that his concerns are shared by others and that things can work out.

I am with sheila on this one
There are many *buts* in his statements. Personally I think he is trying to be the *nice guy* and trying to tell you to move on without hurting you by saying no sorry not going to happen.
If it were me I would move on. Why sit and wait for someone who is wishy washy on his thoughts? I would not sit around waiting on baited breath for him. Go out do something, stay active and move forward girl.

Also George made a good point to we all been there, needing that touch man and woman but I want to add something.
Women are very emotional creatures. If a man makes you feel good even sexual we get attached easy and read into that moment that their might be something really special there.

Again girl get out there do something and do not wait for this man..if he comes around good but if not do not sit and dwell the what if..Your heart does not deserve that:(

HUGS!

If he gives you a glimpse of hope, but is concerned about the age gap, I suggest that you delete this thread and invite him to this site, so he can see that his concerns are shared by others and that things can work out.

Funnily enough he said the age gap doesn't bother him at all, but then I noticed issues he brought up all seems to come back to age gap.

This situation is driving me crazy. I want to go over to his place and ask him outright about how he feels, then if he says no I can move on knowing there really isn't anything I can do. But I'm scared to push him, and we haven't spoke or texted in two days.

Funnily enough he said the age gap doesn't bother him at all, but then I noticed issues he brought up all seems to come back to age gap.

This situation is driving me crazy. I want to go over to his place and ask him outright about how he feels, then if he says no I can move on knowing there really isn't anything I can do. But I'm scared to push him, and we haven't spoke or texted in two days.
NOOOOOO... do not go to his place. :no: Why put yourself and him in an uncomfortable position? I know it is nice to have all the "i" dotted and the "t"s crossed, but sometimes silence speaks more than words. He is showing no desire to pursue a relationship with you. Unless you are a super controlled woman, (I know I am not), a visit to him will only bring tears, make him feel sorry for you, you lose face, or even worse, it could result in sex that would confuse things even more. No positive outcome will result from such a visit.

Turn the page over, you are young, you have your life ahead of you, and a really good man will come along who will want to have a real relationship with you. That is what you deserve.

NOOOOOO... do not go to his place. :no: Why put yourself and him in an uncomfortable position? I know it is nice to have all the "i" dotted and the "t"s crossed, but sometimes silence speaks more than words. He is showing no desire to pursue a relationship with you. Unless you are a super controlled woman, (I know I am not), a visit to him will only bring tears, make him feel sorry for you, you lose face, or even worse, it could result in sex that would confuse things even more. No positive outcome will result from such a visit.

Turn the page over, you are young, you have your life ahead of you, and a really good man will come along who will want to have a real relationship with you. That is what you deserve.

Exactly what Sheila said :yes:

Exactly what Sheila said :yes:

totally agree!!!!!!
do not call him or go to his place if he wanted a relationship with you he would not add the buts toyour convos.

and sheila is 100% right girl. You do not deserve the well I like you ...buttttttt
conversations you deserve someone who will love you no matter what:yes:

I don't want to be the negative Nettie here, but him saying he thinks you are on different stages of your life and he doesn't think it will work in the longrun, sounds to me like he was trying to let you down gently. I'd walk away with your head held high, I'm sure he wasn't lying about liking you, but it's totally possible to like someone and realize that a relationship with that person won't work. Best to distance yourself now, rather than later to look back with your tail between your legs. I say back off, stay on friendly terms, but realize if he doesn't think a relationship is going to work, you can't change his mind... if you tried to show the reasons it "could" all you're going to do is prolong a firy tale per say and if he was ready or wanting a relationship he would have jumped on the opportunity... being hesitant is a good sign to leave well enough alone, if he wants something more, let him come to you in his own time. That's just my 2 cents. Hope things work out for the best.

Good two cents.

Thanks for the encouragements. I shall stay strong and move on!

This is a great online community by the way, I enjoy reading all the other posts :)

Thanks for the encouragements. I shall stay strong and move on!

This is a great online community by the way, I enjoy reading all the other posts :)

and we enjoy having you here as well!

stay strong and hold your head high girl..YOU DESERVE BETTER!:yes: