Lady in the office

Hi buddies,

I need some help, there is a new Irish lady who joined our office last week, I think I have fell in love with her at first sight, she is too simple, yet too sharp, I have befriended her but she don't look at me the other way as she have a Boy friend, I sometimes think that she has already judged me and I have lost. I don't know what to do, she is cute and free spirited and silly typ, exactly my dream girl and I told her I am her type and she replied that well I like to be with intelligent people because I am not myself, have I ruined myself by being myself?

she don't look at me the other way as she have a Boy friend, I sometimes think that she has already judged me and I have lost.
Why would you, the model of morality, approach a woman, a co-worker, with a known boyfriend and told her she is your type? What did you expect her to do? drop her bf to go with you? or go out with the two of you because she is a depraved Western woman?

You haven't lost anything, as there wasn't a competition. She has a boyfriend. This isn't a case of you being rejected, it's a case of you wanting something you simply can't have. If you continue being unrealistic, you're going to continue being disappointed, and the only thing that's going to get you is more bitterness and cynicism.

Why would you, the model of morality, approach a woman, a co-worker, with a known boyfriend and told her she is your type? What did you expect her to do? drop her bf to go with you? or go out with the two of you because she is a depraved Western woman?

Hhhmm, yes you are right I must think about it, I am so silly I think she sensed it too. We had a Scottish lady here before her she was married and my friend and I respected her alot. I remember her words "Your company is a gift", I never made any advancement at all, I once told her " Laura, I am too silly and stupid" and she said " Thats why I like you", I cried when she left for scotland.

BTW, I just cant think of misusing a woman or just getting laid, it horrifies me, my eyes glow when i see her and talk to her, I dont know what message she gets from it :(

You haven't lost anything, as there wasn't a competition. She has a boyfriend. This isn't a case of you being rejected, it's a case of you wanting something you simply can't have. If you continue being unrealistic, you're going to continue being disappointed, and the only thing that's going to get you is more bitterness and cynicism.

Ever since i am in Aus I liked these 2 women, both of the times I was asking for the moon, yes there was no competition, silly me, she is always on my mind but I will try to get her out of there, I will ignore her and roll back with lil clumsy friendship of 5 days.

You have to stop this nonsense! Just because a female you work with talks to you, doesn't mean she is interested in you. And the first thing that goes through your mind when a woman talks to you is whether or not she would be a good a good wife for you. You have a one track mind and that is getting in your way of making friends with a woman. You are too desperate.

And why would you continue to daydream about someone who is already dating someone else? Get her out of your head right now. And if you can't think of her as anything other than a friend, then you shouldn't even talk to her to begin with.

I think you are having a hard time with a culture that has men and women being just friends. Men and women truly can be friends without there being any type of sexual interest or even having a desire to date each other. I have male friends, my husband has female friends and we get together and socialise at times. But my husband also has female friends that he works with and there is no social contact outside work. He also isn't interested in them other than friendship nor does he find himself attracted to them in any way other than being a friend. And some of his friends are beautiful!

The Irish girl that you work with would probably be very upset if she knew you were talking about your interest in her on this website. Just because you find her attractive doesn't mean you need to act on it. You had no right to just come out and tell her that she was your type or that you were her type if you knew she had a boyfriend. And you have only "known" her for a week!

This whole thing is upsetting to me!

You have to stop this nonsense! Just because a female you work with talks to you, doesn't mean she is interested in you. And the first thing that goes through your mind when a woman talks to you is whether or not she would be a good a good wife for you. You have a one track mind and that is getting in your way of making friends with a woman. You are too desperate.
Absolutely True :(

And why would you continue to daydream about someone who is already dating someone else? Get her out of your head right now. And if you can't think of her as anything other than a friend, then you shouldn't even talk to her to begin with.
I walked up to her again 5 min back to say HI, it was 3rd time in a day :bgrin2: buttt I am not gonna say her Hi again nor I am gonna take for a walk in lunch break tommorow. Goddd give me the strength to just throw her out of my mind and forget her cute face which is the only picture in front of my eyes in these long cold lonely nights and innocent voice which keeps ringing in my head all the time, she uses this word alot "OOHH Really" and I love it everytime she say it.

I think you are having a hard time with a culture that has men and women being just friends. Men and women truly can be friends without there being any type of sexual interest or even having a desire to date each other. I have male friends, my husband has female friends and we get together and socialise at times. But my husband also has female friends that he works with and there is no social contact outside work. He also isn't interested in them other than friendship nor does he find himself attracted to them in any way other than being a friend. And some of his friends are beautiful!

Yeah stupid me, but I wonder how the people enter into relationships? Anyways I must have a surgery and get my genitals removed and a few glands which are secreting these damn hormones :mad:

The Irish girl that you work with would probably be very upset if she knew you were talking about your interest in her on this website. Just because you find her attractive doesn't mean you need to act on it. You had no right to just come out and tell her that she was your type or that you were her type if you knew she had a boyfriend. And you have only "known" her for a week!

This whole thing is upsetting to me!

Yes I can do anything but to upset a nice angel like her, I can be anything but disrespectful to women, I will never talk to her again but i will never upset her either. I MUST STOP but she will be on my mind and i will think of her fondly for a long time :)

I don' t want or mean to be offensive, but Pash, do you have access to personal counseling? I think you would benefit greatly from having someone to talk to about these issues you are having with women. I agree you come across as desperate, and that is not attractive to anyone!

Please see if you can find a professional to help you get your head together. You are being way too hard on yourself, and you are also coming across as obessed with an unrealistic expectations.

There's a saying that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again the same way and expecting a different result."

Think about it.

Wishing you the best!!!!

I don' t want or mean to be offensive, but Pash, do you have access to personal counseling? I think you would benefit greatly from having someone to talk to about these issues you are having with women. I agree you come across as desperate, and that is not attractive to anyone!

Please see if you can find a professional to help you get your head together. You are being way too hard on yourself, and you are also coming across as obessed with an unrealistic expectations.

There's a saying that "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again the same way and expecting a different result."

Think about it.

Wishing you the best!!!!

I totally agree!

I think you are having a hard time with a culture that has men and women being just friends. Men and women truly can be friends without there being any type of sexual interest or even having a desire to date each other. !

I agree here with Guinavere, a friendship between two coworkers makes for a great team, but a relationship in this sphere is often more destructive than productive. What happens if she starts feeling uncomfortable around you? It either compromises your position or hers at the company. Think long and hard and try to keep it platonic. Best wishes!:)

Wesley...I agree with everything you said about what Pashtun is most likely going through. That's one of the reasons I have as much patience with him as I do. From a female perspective, there really is no way I can fully understand what he must be going through as far as the cultural changes and the way he has been brought up to interact with women.

It would be nice if he could find a male friend that could help him learn the ropes of this Western culture he has found himself and in and has no idea of how he is supposed to behave or act in it. It is obvious he has a very different set of values when it comes to the way he perceives relationships between men and women. In a Muslim world his role and the role of women is not only a part of whatever the societal culture is, but also his religious culture. It is going to be quite difficult for him to interact with women in Australia. It's one of the reasons many of us have suggested he find ways to interact with Muslim women who live here.

Maybe he can look into dating sites for Muslim's.

He has been taught moral values, but that doesn't mean he's perfect or will always follow them. It does mean he should try his best. I don't think it's fair to sarcastically call him the "model of morality" just because he has moral standards. Standards are what we aspire to, not necessarily what we achieve. Conservative values/morals are to do the best you can to follow them, not to be perfect. No one is perfect, nor expected to be. They're only expected to try.
The sarcasm is not for his having moral standards but for having double standards. On one hand, women should be good mothers and wives and on the other hand, they should drop their SO just because somebody tells them they are his type.

Keep in mind that my post followed the posting by Pashtun of a very offensive thread (thankfully deleted by the mods), about incest in Western societies. :rolleyes:

I have met Muslim, B'Hai, Jewish and all sorts of Christians and trust me, there are men with double standards in all of these groups too. (Starting with my own father).

I think I have to agree with Wesley there, Patshun seems to have set himself up to be attracted to women with whom he may have difficulties establishing a relationship. You have to understand Patshun that although you wish for a mixed relationship your religion is key to who you are, are you going to want to get married to a woman who will not convert? I am Hindu myself but I was never grown up in a rigid religious environment, just a rigid close knit family. However my religion was always left to be my choice, I always say that when I get married my children will have exposure to both mine and my husband's culture and they can choose when they are old enough. Do you have that freedom?

And liberals also have double standards too. Every group does. No one is perfect.

As far as I'm aware, incest is illegal everywhere, yet occurs to some extent in every nation. But never mind that. It's not relevant to this forum or this thread.

I was not aware of the offensive thread you mentioned. I only come here once a week at most anymore. Sometimes once every two weeks. So I'm not up to speed on some things.

I did understand that your sarcassm was in regard to double standards, but didn't know about whatever deleted thread. My point was I don't think it's fair to criticize someone for trying to follow moral standards and occasionally failing. At least they try, and probably succeed often. I think sincerely trying is admirable.

I'm not aware of what else you're upset with him about because I never saw the other thread. So apparently I didn't have the full context.

I wish we could all just get along.
I am not upset with him, and I agree that we should all get along. And since you understand the reason for my sarcasm, I do not understand your reasons for posting.

If you want people to get along, do not critizise those who respond negatively to a general theme of "Western women are lose". "Western people have no morals", and "western women are not interested in being wives and mothers".
I do not mind people having whateverl values they have (or not), but I do not appreciate generalizations against my culture.

I am glad that Pashtun saw my perspective, and I think that he understood the attitude of the office women, this is a very important step for him in his road to a happy life in the West. After all, this is what he wants, and this is what I wish him.

Well mates News for the moment are that the drama is all over. She retreated in a *****y manner (telling a few lies) and i retreated as well because of my self respect.

A lesson learnt very well ;)

Just visited the thread and found my interesting comments but I will write after I am off from work.

Cheers

Nasir

I think I have to agree with Wesley there, Patshun seems to have set himself up to be attracted to women with whom he may have difficulties establishing a relationship. You have to understand Patshun that although you wish for a mixed relationship your religion is key to who you are, are you going to want to get married to a woman who will not convert? I am Hindu myself but I was never grown up in a rigid religious environment, just a rigid close knit family. However my religion was always left to be my choice, I always say that when I get married my children will have exposure to both mine and my husband's culture and they can choose when they are old enough. Do you have that freedom?

Yes unfortunately I did that mistake but now I have learnt my lesson well :o

FYI Islam allows muslim men to marry muslim, christian and jew woman but they can marry anyone if they want although not permitted. Religion, language and even culture wasn't a big issue for me but yes a few morals and family centered life were an issue for me :yes:

You haven't lost anything, as there wasn't a competition. She has a boyfriend. This isn't a case of you being rejected, it's a case of you wanting something you simply can't have. If you continue being unrealistic, you're going to continue being disappointed, and the only thing that's going to get you is more bitterness and cynicism.

Wow you are fortune teller, it just happened :D

out of subject, but I'm curious to know pashtun, how did you find Agelesslove ?

out of subject, but I'm curious to know pashtun, how did you find Agelesslove ?

Hi Bodhi, what do you mean? How I came across agelesslove or how I find being at agelesslove?

How did you come across Agelesslove ?

How did you come across Agelesslove ?

Do you want me to leave? As your question implies that why are you here?

Do you want me to leave? As your question implies that why are you here?

Why do you say that? I'm just asking a question.

I didn't ask, why are you here ? I asked, how did you find this place ?

Why do you say that? I'm just asking a question.

I didn't ask, why are you here ? I asked, how did you find this place ?

Because I like older woman for there brains and younger woman for there beauty :)

Well most intellectual type people are in age gap relationships and i like to be with them.

It was a google search which brought me here.

Thanks, I was just curious

how about women your age ?

I'm not in an age gap relationship, my man is only 2 years younger.

Thanks, I was just curious

how about women your age ?

I'm not in an age gap relationship, my man is only 2 years younger.

Well I am afraid I was a desprate man looking for love and intimacy, so age was never an issue for me :)

Thanks for your curiousity btw.

This entire thread is depressing as all getout! I can relate to Pashtun to the extent that he is (or seems to be) backward with women, and I was very backward with women as a single man. I used to have strong thoughts and desires for romantic relationships with attractive women I met at work, school, church, etc., and I'm sure people thought I had a one track mind. I also had a hard time making female friends. There are those, I'm sure, who would have recommended counselling for me and, to be honest, it didn't do much for me when I went. I had my mind made up what I wanted, and no amount of talking was going to change it.

After awhile I realized that situations like Pashtun's were a lost cause for me and I stopped trying to meet people by circumstance. I had too much pride to put myself in that situation. Instead I got off my duff and did something about it. I placed and answered ads in the personals columns, where I knew people were available and looking for relationships. Eventually I found someone. The first few didn't work out, but I kept trying. I cast my net until I finally found a catch that was right for me. I'm sorry if that metaphor offends some of you women out there, but that's just me. We're all different and different things work and appeal to each of us. Pashtun, you need to give up these fantasies and go out and find someone for real. Try a dating service, personals column, online dating site, or anything. There are even dating sites specifically for age-gap seekers, if that's what you're looking for. Be imaginative and think of ways to meet people that you didn't think of or consider before. You'll soon forget about these female co-workers. Inter-office romance is a bad idea anyway.

Go to counselling if you want, but it's not for everyone and is certainly not the silver-bullet solution to all your problems.

This entire thread is depressing as all getout! I can relate to Pashtun to the extent that he is (or seems to be) backward with women, and I was very backward with women as a single man. I used to have strong thoughts and desires for romantic relationships with attractive women I met at work, school, church, etc., and I'm sure people thought I had a one track mind. I also had a hard time making female friends. There are those, I'm sure, who would have recommended counselling for me and, to be honest, it didn't do much for me when I went. I had my mind made up what I wanted, and no amount of talking was going to change it.

After awhile I realized that situations like Pashtun's were a lost cause for me and I stopped trying to meet people by circumstance. I had too much pride to put myself in that situation. Instead I got off my duff and did something about it. I placed and answered ads in the personals columns, where I knew people were available and looking for relationships. Eventually I found someone. The first few didn't work out, but I kept trying. I cast my net until I finally found a catch that was right for me. I'm sorry if that metaphor offends some of you women out there, but that's just me. We're all different and different things work and appeal to each of us. Pashtun, you need to give up these fantasies and go out and find someone for real. Try a dating service, personals column, online dating site, or anything. There are even dating sites specifically for age-gap seekers, if that's what you're looking for. Be imaginative and think of ways to meet people that you didn't think of or consider before. You'll soon forget about these female co-workers. Inter-office romance is a bad idea anyway.

Go to counselling if you want, but it's not for everyone and is certainly not the silver-bullet solution to all your problems.

Hi Bob, you are spot on. I had exactly the same mind as yourself, I didn't believe in any rules but I have changed it altogather now. I am just ignoring people around me, wow its a great relief, no need to say hi to anyone, no need to say good morning to anyone, no need to give a smile, no need to be nice and polite, all this gives a wrong message which I don't want to give and on top of all it earns nothing, if one in hundred appreciate me, so what? If don't do this what will I loose? nothing! :D

I have stopped looking mate, just stopped thinking, its peace. I don't want to feel like an item for sale who needs advertisement at dating sites, all other places, I have explored all cross sections of society and saw all the filth so I shouldn't think of anything good coming out of it otherwise I will be living in fool's paradise.

These two lines from a song are circling my mind.

"american women got a massive mind"

and

"coloured eyes can hypnotise, sparkle someone else's eyes"

So they better have there mind and think whatever they like and about coloured eyes I close my eyes whenever I see them. yahooooo! :bgrin2:

I have stopped looking mate, just stopped thinking, its peace. :

When you aren't looking is when you find what you truly want and it is more special and treasured for it. I wish you luck!:)

When you aren't looking is when you find what you truly want and it is more special and treasured for it. I wish you luck!:)
Too true!!

When you aren't looking is when you find what you truly want and it is more special and treasured for it. I wish you luck!:)

That's exactly how it always happens!!!!

That's exactly how it always happens!!!!

Lolz, BTW I have seen men and women single at 50 and 60, ask them why? answer will be, couldn't find the RIGHT one. Why do you women want who don't want you but still be yours. One of the parties have to make advancement at some point but I never make any because there is no such thing like love, I have read the "THE GAME" and philosphers couldn't figure out what women want and its the greatest riddle of nature. But would be soon none of my business anymore as I will ask my mum and she will find me the most beautiful bride in the village, now I have started to value the antiquitty of our culture :)

Anyways foolish me, singing in greek infront of non-greeks.

Lolz, BTW I have seen men and women single at 50 and 60, ask them why couldn't find the RIGHT one, why do you women want who don't want you but still be yours. One of the parties have to make advancement.

Anyways foolish me.

I'm sorry I don't get the question :confused:

. Why do you women want who don't want you but still be yours. One of the parties have to make advancement at some point but I never make any because there is no such thing like love, I have read the "THE GAME" and philosphers couldn't figure out what women want and its the greatest riddle of nature. But would be soon none of my business anymore as I will ask my mum and she will find me the most beautiful bride in the village, now I have started to value the antiquitty of our culture :)

Anyways foolish me, singing in greek infront of non-greeks.

I think you are trying to say here that we do not really understand you. I think I really did try. I have been exposed to your culture as it is a large part of my country but maybe it is varied here in a Caribbean context. What women want is too general a statement to be answered. I think you have to start asking " what does my woman want." Every person is different. We all find happiness and satisfaction in different things. When you find your partner you may find she easily answers your question. I wish you and your mum luck:)

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I was so silly to cry for the moon that's the west, when I saw it from close with my own eyes it was just an illusion, a mirage, fake faces and fake emotions, fake expressions, fake personalities, dug the reality deep behind it all but it was bleak and shivers ran down my spine. A place where no one will befriend you for no reason, no one would have a chat with you in 6 months except these two words (Thanks & Sorry with an empty feeling), where people think thrice after you give them a smile, where a train journey is quiet with ipods in ears and eyes on a book.

Well Pashtun, I also immigrated to the West, but without any illusions. I came here with an open-mind and heart.

At first just like you I would talk to people about my past and my culture but I had a feeling that no one understood, until I, myself understood that it's useless. They had never walked in my shoes, so it's impossible for them to understand.

The day that I gave up, is when I started to meet the right people, and I understood that it's a matter of give and take. It's a matter of mutual understanding.

I've been here for 19 years, and I've learnt alot about a new culture and met lots and lots of people who are grateful for what I tought them about mine.

At firts people took advantage of my generosity, as you know, generosity is just a second nature to most people from the third world, but then I learned how to avoid the leeches.

Believe me, with time things get much better. You are in their country and not the other way round.

Well Pashtun, I also immigrated to the West, but without any illusions. I came here with an open-mind and heart.

At first just like you I would talk to people about my past and my culture but I had a feeling that no one understood, until I, myself understood that it's useless. They had never walked in my shoes, so it's impossible for them to understand.

The day that I gave up, is when I started to meet the right people, and I understood that it's a matter of give and take. It's a matter of mutual understanding.

I've been here for 19 years, and I've learnt alot about a new culture and met lots and lots of people who are grateful for what I tought them about mine.

At firts people took advantage of my generosity, as you know, generosity is just a second nature to most people from the third world, but then I learned how to avoid the leeches.

Believe me, with time things get much better. You are in their country and not the other way round.

Hhhmmm, thank you BT for your kind words, they give me some hope and encouragement. I really have to get rid of my generous and warm nature, its giving them a very wrong signal, no one talked to me in 6 months and now I have decided that I won't talk to them, be as much rude as possible, hate and loathe them in such a manner that I avoid racism charges (thats how they do "racism in silence"), only return smiles but never give any, nice and helpful to elderly people only but not men and women and stop advocating west in my discussions with fellow muslims.

I was taken as a skilled migrant as I shall stay as a SKILLED migrant thats my purpose.

I am just ignoring people around me, wow its a great relief, no need to say hi to anyone, no need to say good morning to anyone, no need to give a smile, no need to be nice and polite, all this gives a wrong message which I don't want to give and on top of all it earns nothing, if one in hundred appreciate me, so what? If don't do this what will I loose? nothing!

You don't have to go this far. When I started meeting people my way, I found that I was more relaxed, friendly and open to people in my every day life. I could say "hi", smile, and talk to women in the office without the pressure of the "what if she doesn't 'like' me" feeling". I met some of my best male and female friends during that time. Always be friendly, put a smile on your face and be open to people, but just don't have any expectations.


I don't want to feel like an item for sale who needs advertisement at dating sites

This offends a lot of people. Heck, even Dr. Phil endorses the now famous 'Match.com'. I found a beautiful wife and happy relationship through a personals ad and have several friends who did also. It's not the cheap thing you make it out to be.


When you aren't looking is when you find what you truly want and it is more special and treasured for it.

This is true for many people but not all. "Stop looking" doesn't mean totally turn off and become a hermit. I went through that stage too.

Hi Pashtun,

I've been following your misadventures in relationship building and I just want to say... hang in there guy! It takes awhile to get comfy in a new place way longer than you've given it I think and when you take into consideration the huge culture change on top of it... I'd guess even longer!

I also whole heartedly support Summer Bob's recommendation. I would totally encourage you to do the dating service thing. I really think dating services are the way to go here. It requires a financial investment from all participants way beyond the 20 or so bucks a month it costs to do an online thing. This alone means that the participants are *actively* seeking romantic relationships of substance. Who'd spend the bucks otherwise? Not many ;). The work of doing a good match is what you are paying for so you needn't be embarassed to be specific and clear about what it is that YOU like!

I met my ex-husband using a dating service and I'm not the least embarrassed to say so. I was a busy mom in college and I just didn't have the time to meet someone, but I did have the desire. I was an older student and I didn't even consider younger men at that time. My ex-husband was an immigrant from China and he really wanted to get to know an American woman. He was looking to branch out beyond his culture. He already had a green card so he didn't *need* an American... it was what he *wanted*. I wasn't seeking someone so different from myself, but I was open to it. It worked out for us. Okay so we did divorce, but we had a long marriage that produced 2 wonderful (and absolutely gorgeous) babies. :yes:

Hang in there friend... you are a worthwhile person. Being lonely doesn't make you a mental case at all. It just means you are a human being.

Hugs and best wishes to you,

Elle

Hhhmmm, thank you BT for your kind words, they give me some hope and encouragement. I really have to get rid of my generous and warm nature, its giving them a very wrong signal, no one talked to me in 6 months and now I have decided that I won't talk to them, be as much rude as possible, hate and loathe them in such a manner that I avoid racism charges (thats how they do "racism in silence"), only return smiles but never give any, nice and helpful to elderly people only but not men and women and stop advocating west in my discussions with fellow muslims.

I was taken as a skilled migrant as I shall stay as a SKILLED migrant thats my purpose.

I'm going to be blunt with you for your own good.

If you behave in real life the way you do here at Agelesslove, meaning always nagging, compalining and paranoid, you're not going to get anywhere with you relations with people in general, let alone women.

Personality works like a mirror image. You show unpleasantness, people will show the same to you. You reflect your own image in people.

Forget women for now, masturbate or pay a prostitute. Go out with people from your own culture for a start, until you gain back your pleasant personality. Only then you will attract people from all walks of life.

Sorry if I'm being hurtful, but I don't know how else to put it.

I really have to get rid of my generous and warm nature, its giving them a very wrong signal, no one talked to me in 6 months and now I have decided that I won't talk to them, be as much rude as possible, hate and loathe them in such a manner that I avoid racism charges (thats how they do "racism in silence"), only return smiles but never give any, nice and helpful to elderly people only but not men and women and stop advocating west in my discussions with fellow muslims.

It scares me to hear people talk this way. I went through times of bitterness when I was single and alone, but never went this far. I was always pleasant to strangers and co-workers and open to friendship. If I got really depressed I went out for a drink, but never let myself get out of control. Through it all I worked, got my education, built my career and finally met women the way I knew how to. I would never have found a woman and would be alone today if I had completely shut people out, which is what you sound like you're doing. Think about what you're saying. In time you'll change mind.