I Am 42 She Is 23.

I AM 42 SHE IS 23.
I need advice. we have been going for 5 months and we love each other but there are issues...
background: she has been in the US for 4 years from Japan and came here to live with her ex-bf who she was engaged to. Broke up about when she met me. he couldnt earn a living and too much stress on the relationship. she had to support him, etc.
she is a girl who needs (she is needy and insecure) to be in a relationship to be happy, loves being cared for and is SUPER affectionate and good to me. she is presently in college.
now my problems...
1. she likes to drink (relieves stress she says) and I dont.
she is not an alcoholic just likes to have a few drinks once a week, etc.
honestly, i believe people who drink to relieve stress are losers, but i love her.
i told her she should go out and drink w/her friends, and she does.
she doesnt want to stop. it works for her.
I dont want to be with her when she drinks though. its not fun for me and a drag, etc.
it bothers me that she needs alcohol.
she says she is young and wants to enjoy life. soon she will get older, have a family and wont drink,so now she wants to enjoy, etc....
but every time she says she went out drinking, i cringe....
i feel a loss of respect for her.
2. she curses alot and although she says she wants to stop, and is getting better, her friends/ ex-bf (still friends) influence her, so it slips out now and then. she apologizes when she does but when she gets emotional...forget about it! :)
again, i cringe...i told her about how i feel lower class people curse and she is better than that, etc, and she is trying, but progress is slow...she does have a goal of being a fluent and appropriate english speaker...

I used to think i could marry her but now i am seeing her "bad" side. and i don't like it. i find myself being critical and scolding her like a father to a child.
i am worried...
need advice.

I think you are trying to hard to change her.....these are your problems really. A lot of people like to have drinks on the weekends and have a little fun now and then, and the cursing thing--god, most people slip a few four-letters uncensored. You sound much more on the conservative side than she is, but don't expect to her to change for you.

Quote: "she is a girl who needs (she is needy and insecure) to be in a relationship to be happy"

those aren't very nice things to say about your girlfriend......may be true, but I wonder why you say that....

lots of negative words there....stop treating her as though she is beneath you. you did say that she is "trying".

I've got to disagree with the Muse here. Your description of her (I'm assuming it to be accurate) leads me to believe that she is really rather immature. She drinks to feel better about herself, she's needy, insecure, and can't be happy by herself (has to be in a relationship). I don't really think it's a big deal to have a few drinks on the weekend or to let a curse word slip every once in a while, but her reason for drinking is certainly a problem.

Of all the younger women I've met who are in relationships with men who are older than themselves, most are above average in terms of self-identity, confidence and self-control. That is why those relationships work. I would think long and hard about this one. You're only five months in and already she's showing herself to be a girl rather than a woman.

Well there are a few things wrong here. First you are trying to change her rather then accept her for what she is. There's nothing wrong with that but it sounds like she's more or les the exact oppisite of what you want.
If you don't mind my asking what is it that you want in a girl because it's obviously not her and if she isn't what you want you'd probably do better to find a girl that is more what you're looking for rather then trying to change this one. It never works when a person tries to change themselves to suit a partner (with a few notable exceptions of course). I had a girl who drank like a fish. She was nice when she didn't drink but after awhile of trying to change her I realized that she wasn't going to change and I'd most likely have a heart attack trying and she'd resent me for ir so I broke it off.
For another thing what the h*ll is this girl still doing hanging with her ex-boyfriend? Are you a fool or just in denial? Here's a girl going clubbin' with her "girlfriends" and other guys (most notably her ex-boyfriend). If he's got so much influence over her that she's going with his prefrences on small things such as sweating do you really think she's not gonna go with him farther then grindin' on the dance floor? Do you have a hard time getting ahold of her after they leave the club? Does she shut her cell off? Say she's crashing with some "friends"?
Hre's one other thought. Are you wealthy? Do you ever give her money (for school, clothes, car payments etc.). All I'm sayin' is that she might not really have dumped her ex but they could both be takin' you for a ride. Good luck man.

i think there are a lot of bad assumptions in the posts here.

She is not an alcoholic....she just drinks once in a while, a few drinks, to "relieve stress". That does not mean that she drinks to feel better about herself or erase her problems. I drink a little and sit back and maybe hang out with friends and relax to relieve some stress--it has nothing to do with maturity.

so what if she is still friends with her ex? if she is spending an ungodly amount of time with him, then that would be a problem....but otherwise, if she is spending time with her friends in a group of people and her ex is friends with the same circle.....then it shouldn't matter.

She curses not from advice from her ex or her friends, but because of being around them....people pick up speech patterns from their environments....

Mr. Jordan--You were the one who suggested she drink with her friends instead of drinking around you. And that is fine if you are uncomfortable with it, but she is obviously not the person you want. She is trying and still it is not enough.

Maybe she is insecure and needy....but nothing was said to as to why she is. Why needy and insecure? Those words you used "insecure", "needy", "loser", "low-class" have very negative connations to them. Sounds to me like you don't think of your girlfriend in a very good light....the main problems that you stressed have been negotiated. She is trying to quit cursing and is improving, and instead of drinking with you or alone, she drinks with friends. This is not enough for you.

Either love her for who she is, compromise, or leave the relationship. and again i emphasize that she is trying.

I don't agree here..... #1 because she likes to go out on the weekends and drink a little does not mean shes immature... she is ACTING Her age.... I am 27 turning 28 years old and deeply in love with a 44 turning 45 year old man.....Now I remember that age and i was partying every weekend with my ex fiance and friends Now... I settled down a little... but sometimes going out wiht friends drinking to calm and winde down is not an immature or LOWER class thing.....Remember everyone people are all different....

Now Jordan... you may love her but obviously this bothers you.. which is ok this is how you feel.. You need to realize can you get past this or not... if you can than ALL the power to you if not than you need to think about what makes YOU happy.... you only live once and you need to treat each day like it's your last .. don't waste time


Good Luck

Hey, I'm still good friends with two of my exes. That doesn't mean anything except we like each other, just not in "that way", and we don't want to stop socializing just because we're not together anymore. After you know someone for so long it seems unnatural to cut off all communication, although of course the current SO's always come first. But there's nothing wrong with remaining friends with an ex, if things didn't end ugly there's no reason not to. And curse words aren't a "lower" form of language, they're just words used to convey meaning. Kind of like the only difference between a dialect and a language is an army. So unless she has no sense of appropriateness in using them I don't see a big deal; linguistic snobbery is a silly thing to hold against your girlfriend. I think your doubts lie deeper than these.

The worst thing a man can do is to talk to ANY woman like she is a child. My ex (who is exactly my age) used to talk to me like that all the time. Your scoldings may be warranted, but your outlook on this whole thing seems pretty bleak and I'm wondering if it is worth (either) your time.

Really, it can't feel good to piss of your partner, nor does it feel good to have your partner piss you off, you know?

I have to say that I'm lucky. (And so is my partner!) We don't have these kinds of issues. We enjoy the same hobbies, we have similar world views, we have similar goals and we are physically attracted to each other. We SHARE so much, which is why we work so well together. From what you described, there is little you have in common with your friend/lover.

Not all women who love an older man are going to be mature enough to hang in there. You can either accept that and love her youthful behavior for what it is, or you can move on to someone more compatible.

Although the Beatles say :"All you need is love..." I beg to add compatibility to that. Compatibility and mutual respect.

Good luck.

Happy