Emotional affair

Could anyone tell me what an emotional affair is. I think my husband has been having one. He's got this ex gf that he will never forget or stop contacting. He even lied to me in order to make her feel better. She is married and have a good life but my husband can't forget about her. What do I do? I know he will never leave me over anything but it kills me to think that he's thinking and care about someone he can't have. He has not seen her in 14 years but they email each other very often. I have a feeling that she does not like him anymore but really enjoying the attention. My husband would like to keep in touch but her husband has asked him to stop calling her. What's the deal!

Shed some light please.

I'm not really sure what an emotional affair is but my guess is that they talk and they open up to each other and discuss life and things that are going on in it. I'm not so sure why he's doing it with an ex and even though I'm not a jealous person that would bother me greatly. As his wife he should be talking to you and the fact that it's an ex makes it even harder to deal with.

I'm sure your husband loves you and sees this as him trying to remain friends with his ex, even though she can't be bothered. Maybe now that her husband wants it to end she will back off all together and tell your hubby to do the same.

If I was you I'd talk to him about it. Tell him how this makes you feel and that you don't like it. I'm sure he would not appreciate you speaking so openly often with an ex of yours, it's very disrespectful. Being open and honest is the best thing you can do.

I hope it all works out and that this helps a little bit.

Yeah my ex had an emotional affair and then ended up leaving me for her b/c they met at work and apparently he would talk to her and he ended up telling her all of our problems and confiding in her... and she ended up convincing him to leave me for her... yeah all of this I didn't find out until after a year's separation and being back together for a year and a half with him. I was devastated, and am no longer with him b/c knowing his of this and of him lying to me about EVERYTHING...

I'm telling you I think it needs to stop. He has already lied to you regarding his contact with this person and I can only see worse things in the future with someone who does that... my ex case and point (it was going on for months while we were still together that he was talking to her b4 they actually got "physically involved") I think it's a betrayal personally. Your significant other should be open to you and honest, having to hide or lie about things is just a very very bad sign.

You need to confront the situation and make it known it is NOT OK with you, and especially not ok that he has lied to "save your feelings" thats crap. People lie b/c they don't want conflict or they get off on having secrets and not getting caught... but I think this should be nipped in the bud SOON. And considering the woman's husband wants this contact to stop also is a sign that something more than catching up with an old friend kind of emailing is possibly going on.

Maybe this is all the pessimist in me, but I've been lied to and betrayed by someone I thought I could trust and I had NO idea even that this contact was going on... I don't know if that says more or less in the sense that if you're informed of the "surface" of the relationship you won't be so suspicious b/c you feel like the person is being open and honest, but it would be a front to gain trust to me... but he's your husband, and you're the one that knows him, I'm just chirping in b/c I went through something similar and that's what I found about the person.

Yeah, I think he should stop talking with her. I don't know the exact definition of an emotional affair, but any emotion that he is spending on her is just robbing your relationship.

My brother had this in his marriage. He was still talking to his ex...nothing going on but talking on the phone, etc, but he knew his current wife would be uspet, so he didn't tell her.

Of course, then she got the cell phone bill...she's not an idiot. And whoa, buddy, all hell broke loose, made even worse by the fact that he looked like he was trying to hide it, which in essence he was. Funny thing, when I talked to my brother about it, he didn't seem to see what he did wrong. He really didn't see it....

He isn't talking to his ex anymore.

There really isn't any reason for them to continue to talk, your man and his ex, UNLESS they have children together. Then I can kind of see it, but otherwise, they just need to keep the clean break and move on. That's just my opinion....

Most affiars arent about sex, they are about emotional involvment with another person that you share intimate details, feelings and thoughts with. If your married and you have a one night stand with someone else or see a professional for sex, thats just wanting to taste some other flesh. However, if your mind, heart and eventually soul drift to another while you are married that is the "emotional" tie. Id say most people who have strong and open communication with their partner do not let themselves "stray" to have involvment with another. If you are happy you dont mess that up. Thats why I say affairs dont end marriages, they already are dying when affairs take place. How people deal with the dying relationship eventually determines the relationships survival.

He really needs to cut ties with her..if they have no children then why is he running to her to talk when he should be talking to you??

Here's the detail: She has been his accountant for over 15 years, they lived together 5 years, long before he and I met. We have been married 6 years. When we just got married my husband and I had a lot of arguments, he told every detail to his ex gf who lived and still does in a different state. He even arranged for her to call me and talk to me, because in his stupid mind, he thought the call and the talk would turn us into being friends. But by the time she made the call it was too late, he already told her everything about us. She knew every detail of our arguments, every little fight we had and every plan we had for our future together. I was upset and did not take her call well, I did not even speak to her since she was very nervous and asked to talk to my husband the moment I picked up the phone.

Over the years, we have been talking and fighting over this almost every month and we finally come to an agreement that he only talks business with her, and when one of the company's projects she has been handling is done, he would fire her and that would be the end of all his contacts with her.

The big project is done this month and I reminded him of our agreement to let go of her. He said he would keep her untill tax return for this year is filed, which means untill Jan-April 2009. I was not happy with his decission and we had a big argument. He finally called her and asked her to finish everything in May and then she is gone from the business but he 'would like to keep in touch with her in some manner'. I did not know this untill I opened his email ( he gave me his password)and I was shocked because he told me he would end all contacts with her after she is done working for him. When I asked him why he lied to me he said to make her feel better because she feels so bad about the ending of the friendship'. I really don't buy that crap, if he says that just to make her feel better, then he lies to both of us and guess what, my husband claims he does not lie.

Here is what I don't understand: We share so much love and trust in our marriage. I trust that he would never leave me because I'm the best for him and he loves me the most. I feel his love everyday and he shows it to me in many different ways, he appreciates me, he says I'm beautiful and loving. We have good sex life and enjoy each other's company. In all other areas he goes above and beyond to keep me happy and to make our marriage work, he really shows how important I am to him especially now that our marriage is in a very good place. I really don't understand why he does this to me when he knows that he would not leave me for anyone, not even for this ex gf even if she is single because he loves me more than anyone else, before, now and in the future.
I feel that his ex's husband is also not comfortable with their relationship but he told me that he had talked to him on the phone and the guy likes him, he wants him to stop calling because he knows I'm upset of his wife and my husband contacting each other. They do try to keep their daily conversation business only but its really hard for them especially for my husband who likes to talk and compliment her in almost every email.

I'm so upset, I don't understand why someone who loves me so much does this to me. I have talked to him but his answer is not satisfactory. I know in the end he will stop but right now I'm just so angry and upset even tho I know his ex no longer has feelings for him. I don't know about him except that he loves me the most even tho sometime he's not very happy with me because I'm so strong headed. What do I do next?

Most affiars arent about sex, they are about emotional involvment with another person that you share intimate details, feelings and thoughts with. If your married and you have a one night stand with someone else or see a professional for sex, thats just wanting to taste some other flesh. However, if your mind, heart and eventually soul drift to another while you are married that is the "emotional" tie. Id say most people who have strong and open communication with their partner do not let themselves "stray" to have involvment with another. If you are happy you dont mess that up. Thats why I say affairs dont end marriages, they already are dying when affairs take place. How people deal with the dying relationship eventually determines the relationships survival.

My husband never stop contacting this ex. Some of his ex GFS he dated before he met me also, had problem with this gf I would call WH from now on.
I know he will stop contacting her or he will regret for being so stupid. Smart guy in business but not so smart in relationship.

Of course, then she got the cell phone bill...she's not an idiot. And whoa, buddy, all hell broke loose, made even worse by the fact that he looked like he was trying to hide it, which in essence he was. Funny thing, when I talked to my brother about it, he didn't seem to see what he did wrong. He really didn't see it....


...
I'll do that too and if I find out he still calls her he would be unhappy for weeks.

Could anyone tell me what an emotional affair is. I think my husband has been having one. He's got this ex gf that he will never forget or stop contacting. He even lied to me in order to make her feel better. She is married and have a good life but my husband can't forget about her. What do I do? I know he will never leave me over anything but it kills me to think that he's thinking and care about someone he can't have. He has not seen her in 14 years but they email each other very often. I have a feeling that she does not like him anymore but really enjoying the attention. My husband would like to keep in touch but her husband has asked him to stop calling her. What's the deal!

Shed some light please.
He has not seen her in 14 years. It is very difficult for me to tell you if this is an affair or not without knowing the content of the emails and communications. They may be just friends, good friends. Many people do not understand that a man and a woman can be just friends.

I had a friend I would talk to for hours, he was 30 yrs older than me, we were friends for over 25 yrs, nothing more. Why would I do that even if I was married? Because he was fun to talk to, very positive and had a fresh view on politics and local events.

On the other hand, my relationship with my bf started as an emotional affair that contributed to the end of my marriage. But see, this emotional affair only lasted 5 months until it became physical. I do not think that if you are emotional you are willing to have a platonic affair for 14 yrs.

GIRL if it were my husband omg ..lol *gets the beating stick* just kidding girl

i just do not understand why he lied..sorry it is a lie and that is breaking YOUR trust...deep down I think you know that. I Know it would mine.

he needs to honor what he said that he would fire her...sorry YOUR his wife not her and he has absolutely no business telling his ex any of your and his business.

You need to confront the situation and make it known it is NOT OK with you, and especially not ok that he has lied to "save your feelings" thats crap. People lie b/c they don't want conflict or they get off on having secrets and not getting caught... but I think this should be nipped in the bud SOON. And considering the woman's husband wants this contact to stop also is a sign that something more than catching up with an old friend kind of emailing is possibly going on.


I totally agree with this...it is causing issues not only with you but with HER husband as well. Put your foot down about it no if ands or butts this is so not fair to you or her spouse. If something is making the partner feel highly uncomfortable then it needs to stop...plain and simple..

what happens when the tax year of 09 happens...come on girl...IF the job is done its done..he does not need to talk to her for another year till next tax season..when that time comes he can send her and her spouse an informal tax letter like they do ALL businesses.

He has not seen her in 14 years. It is very difficult for me to tell you if this is an affair or not without knowing the content of the emails and communications. They may be just friends, good friends. Many people do not understand that a man and a woman can be just friends.
I do not think that if you are emotional you are willing to have a platonic affair for 14 yrs.

I would have been ok if he just talks business with her. What upsets me is when he talks to her about our private issues in our marriage. He says they only talk business nowadays, but as I have mentioned before, it is hard to keep it that way. He often ends up telling her about his personal life. I have been feeling hurt and betrayed and I'm not going to tolerate this. He needs to end it or I walk away.

DH,

Has your hubby been in regular contact with this woman ever since you married him, or was there a period they had no contact and they later resumed contact with one another?

Did you and your hubby make an agreement prior to your marriage about the status of his old friends, including the female friends, or an agreement about this one woman in particular? If so, what was your agreement?

the old guy

[QUOTE=Geo55;562799]DH,

Has your hubby been in regular contact with this woman ever since you married him, or was there a period they had no contact and they later resumed contact with one another?

Did you and your hubby make an agreement prior to your marriage about the status of his old friends, including the female friends, or an agreement about this one woman in particular? If so, what was your agreement?

the old guy[/QUO
They have been on regular contact. Email almost everyday. The agreement was for him to be strictly business, talk only about business with her. When I came to know that he had opened up to her about all our private issues in our marriage I became upset and that's when we agreed to let her go when the business is done, which is supposed to be this month.

I feel better about this "friendship" knowing it has been a "constant" in his life, and not a relationship that was "rekindled". I believe this indicates it is not a threat to your marriage.

If my spouse had shared the dirt about our marriage with a former girlfriend, I would feel violated and angry, just as you. Still, we all need to vent about our spouses sometimes to somebody we feel safe venting to. For instance, you are here on Ageless venting not only to your Ageless friends, but to the entire internet. If your hubby "needed" to vent to someone, and he felt safe venting to her, this may have actually been beneficial. Although it may be hard to do, you may want to consider her taking the time to listen to your hubby while he vented as an act of kindness. You never know, she may have been very uncomfortable listening to him, but did so out of friendship. I know this doesn't make it feel any better, but it is something to consider when you are looking for perspective on the situation.

Although you have every right to feel as you do, I would also caution you that jealousy is not attractive at all. Do not let on to your hubby that you're jealous, if you haven't done so yet. If you have been behaving jealous, then put a stop to it right away. Bite your lip, have a scream session with a girl friend, vent to us here at Ageless, but don't behave jealous around your hubby. Give him a chance to live up to his agreement with you after his business dealings with his friend are complete.

If he doesn't live up to his agreement, then it will be time to press him further.

the old guy

Well, I know in the case of my sister-in-law and my bubble-headed brother, two things about it were upsetting her the most...

One was he was discussing the arguments they had and issues within their marriage with his ex. She felt their issues should be kept between them. He said he needed someone to talk to. Of course, he made a very poor choice in who he chose to talk to, and I understand her being upset.

Second, she was mad he covered it up. He says he didn't lie because she never asked him (well, duh, who would?), but of course, it's a lie of omittance and he was trying to cover it up because he knew it would upset her.

Because he KNEW it would upset her, I don't know why he did it in the first place!!!

You know, it just comes down to this. He loves you very much, and you know it's not anything remotely like he is going to leave you for her....but the point is, it makes you unhappy and uncomfortable. He shows you he loves you a million other ways, but he needs to show you in THIS way. He needs to end contact with her because it makes you unhappy. Maybe he values the friendship, and it will be a sacrifice for him, but thats what relationships are all about. Making little sacrifices to keep the other person happy, coming to compromises, etc.

To me, thats what it is all about. It makes you unhappy, and you are the most important thing to him. :yes:

He has no right to run to this woman whenever you and him have/had problems. What goes on inside the marriage should STAY in the marriage, he is disrespecting your relationship not only by going to this other woman with the troubles, but by not addressing these issues with you in an appropriate manner. I can't help feeling like there's more going on with him than what's on the surface. You don't turn to another woman with your troubles, you talk to a male friend or another married guy... his going to her was wrong on SOOO many levels, and I'm angry for you reading about all that.
He DID lie... and men that lie openly like that, get caught in the lies and deny them equates to being a pathological liar/ compulsive liar. I have looked into a lot of that b/c my ex I TRULY BELIEVE is a pathological liar... of course he denies it, but after 6 years... you know a person, how they act, when they're lying. All I can say is look into it, if it's not just a situational thing he's lying about.

I feel better about this "friendship" knowing it has been a "constant" in his life, and not a relationship that was "rekindled". I believe this indicates it is not a threat to your marriage.

If my spouse had shared the dirt about our marriage with a former girlfriend, I would feel violated and angry, just as you. Still, we all need to vent about our spouses sometimes to somebody we feel safe venting to. For instance, you are here on Ageless venting not only to your Ageless friends, but to the entire internet. If your hubby "needed" to vent to someone, and he felt safe venting to her, this may have actually been beneficial. Although it may be hard to do, you may want to consider her taking the time to listen to your hubby while he vented as an act of kindness. You never know, she may have been very uncomfortable listening to him, but did so out of friendship. I know this doesn't make it feel any better, but it is something to consider when you are looking for perspective on the situation.

Although you have every right to feel as you do, I would also caution you that jealousy is not attractive at all. Do not let on to your hubby that you're jealous, if you haven't done so yet. If you have been behaving jealous, then put a stop to it right away. Bite your lip, have a scream session with a girl friend, vent to us here at Ageless, but don't behave jealous around your hubby. Give him a chance to live up to his agreement with you after his business dealings with his friend are complete.If he doesn't live up to his agreement, then it will be time to press him further.

the old guy
My Dear George,
I don't look at this as jealousy, I'm not jealous or threatened in my marriage by any person and he has never ever given me any reason to feel threatened. His opening up to his ex gf of what goes on in the marriage makes me feel violated and betrayed, it does not arouse jealousy. I tell him my dreams, my fantasies and my innermost feelings that I would never tell anyone else and he shares those with his ex how could I not feel betrayed. Why not choose other people like our family friend G who has been with us since we started dating?

I do not think that the whole activity of unloading one's concerns onto another human being is a bad idea. What I do not agree with is telling details of marriage issues to biased third parties, wether exes, parents or friends.

If he feels that he needs to talk about your problems to a third party, he (and maybe you too) should go to a counsellor. That is why counsellors were invented.

I made a long reply but lost it and will have to reply when I have time. I do see George's and Sheila's point even as I understand your concerns DH. I'll elaborate later.

I do not think that the whole activity of unloading one's concerns onto another human being is a bad idea. What I do not agree with is telling details of marriage issues to biased third parties, wether exes, parents or friends.
If he feels that he needs to talk about your problems to a third party, he (and maybe you too) should go to a counsellor. That is why counsellors were invented.

I totally agree with you and we have gone to the counsellor and we have agreed to let her go after the business is done and he agreed that all contacts will end. What bothers me is that on his last phone call to her that was two days ago he told her he would like to keep in touch with her in some manner even after the business is done. That really breaks the agreement we have made before. When someone breaks the agreement they betray the trust you have in them.

I feel better about this "friendship" knowing it has been a "constant" in his life, and not a relationship that was "rekindled". I believe this indicates it is not a threat to your marriage.

If my spouse had shared the dirt about our marriage with a former girlfriend, I would feel violated and angry, just as you. Still, we all need to vent about our spouses sometimes to somebody we feel safe venting to. For instance, you are here on Ageless venting not only to your Ageless friends, but to the entire internet. If your hubby "needed" to vent to someone, and he felt safe venting to her, this may have actually been beneficial. Although it may be hard to do, you may want to consider her taking the time to listen to your hubby while he vented as an act of kindness. You never know, she may have been very uncomfortable listening to him, but did so out of friendship. I know this doesn't make it feel any better, but it is something to consider when you are looking for perspective on the situation.Although you have every right to feel as you do, I would also caution you that jealousy is not attractive at all. Do not let on to your hubby that you're jealous, if you haven't done so yet. If you have been behaving jealous, then put a stop to it right away. Bite your lip, have a scream session with a girl friend, vent to us here at Ageless, but don't behave jealous around your hubby. Give him a chance to live up to his agreement with you after his business dealings with his friend are complete.

If he doesn't live up to his agreement, then it will be time to press him further.

the old guy Those lines in bold make sense to some people but not to me. I would prefer him to come talk to the internet(where his identity is not exposed) or to our family friend who is so close to both of us. He knows us all and he would not make a harsh judgement on any of us. Opening up to an ex gf is not a good idea espicially when the the spouse is not comfortable. I'm so mad at this women because she has made very nasty comments about me in the past. I know this from emails my husband shares with me.

I totally agree with you and we have gone to the counsellor and we have agreed to let her go after the business is done and he agreed that all contacts will end. What bothers me is that on his last phone call to her that was two days ago he told her he would like to keep in touch with her in some manner even after the business is done. That really breaks the agreement we have made before. When someone breaks the agreement they betray the trust you have in them.
Lets hope that the "lets keep in touch" only means Xmass e-cards once a year.

Wait until the project is over and see the amount of contact they have. If it is more that the Xmass card, you have to have a serious convo with him.

Lets hope that the "lets keep in touch" only means Xmass e-cards once a year.

Wait until the project is over and see the amount of contact they have. If it is more that the Xmass card, you have to have a serious convo with him.

God, Sheila I'm so bitter that I don't want them to have even that kind of contact:no:. Take your gun and shoot me..... This is a 7 years battle and I thought it's over....it will be over soon or I'll spank my husband and pull his tail down everytime he calls her and put him under:hide: I'm a bad girl, poor hubby he has to deal with me everyday;)

God, Sheila I'm so bitter that I don't want them to have even that kind of contact:no:. Take your gun and shoot me..... This is a 7 years battle and I thought it's over....it will be over soon or I'll spank my husband and pull his tail down everytime he calls her and put him under:hide: I'm a bad girl, poor hubby he has to deal with me everyday;)

After 7 years of this you think he would stop it..project or not..sorry but there would be other people whom he could replace her with for that project. I personally would not put up with it either. It is not fair to you OR her spouse. Sorry you have to go through this:( I seriously think your hubby needs to put on his big boy pants and step up to the plate and knock her out of left field.

DH,

You know I'm on your side, right? Forgive me if I don't sugar coat my thoughts. I'm giving you the same advice I would give my own daughter or my best friend.

When you write it would have been OK for your hubby to vent with the family friend "G", just not with this former girlfriend, it has the appearance of jealousy. My warning was to avoid the appearance of jealousy, more than to accuse you of being jealous.

If you are not jealous of this lady, then you must "really" dislike her. Your husband has allowed you to read emails from her with unfavorable comments about you in them, that is explanation enough for me. I'll repeat myself again, you are certainly entitled to your feelings, whatever they are.

The lady we keep referring to as an ex-girlfriend has been in his life a long time. You mentioned she was a problem for some of the girlfriends your husband had prior to meeting you. It is plain enough for me to see that this lady stopped being an ex-girlfriend and became a good friend long ago. So your husband has offered to dump a long time good friend in order to maintain peace at home, that should say a lot about where you stand in your husband's heart. It also explains why it is so hard for him to let go of her. It is a shame you two lady's couldn't somehow make peace, because it saddens my heart to hear of anybody having to dump a long time friend. The truth is, as we travel through life, we do not run into that many people who genuinely care about us, who we connect with.

I have two lady friends in my life other than my sister. One I've known for 43 years, the other for 19 years. I care about both of them as much as I care about anybody. Any lady who wants to be involved with me, must accept my lady friends just as they would my male friends. I do not believe that a married man can only have male friends. I could never offer to end my friendship with either of these lady's in order to preserve peace at home, as your husband has done for you. I would have to seek another solution. Of course, neither of my lady friends have ever been so rude as to make disparaging comments about my girlfriends or wives.

with care, George

I agree with Geo.

This is someone who obviously made a huge difference in his life and he trusts her, probably as much as he trusts you.

I find that most men don't vent to other men...women are more compassionate and trusting to give an honest opinion. You see G is a friend of both of you and your husband would not put him in the position to take sides. This woman though will always be on his side and the truth is, we want someone we can trust to have our backs as friends.

You on the other hand, played this all wrong. In your pursuant to being right, you could have embrace this woman and find out for yourself who you're dealing with. Instead you're in an arrogrant spin that you're husband will never leave you, like yada, yada, yada, but he does leave you, doesn't he, when he's talking to her. And that is what really is getting your goat...this is the problem with men treating women like queens...now you have him by the balls and he's going to comply or by golly there will be hell to pay.

The thing is, who really pays. Think about it...do you? Hardly, he's the one who will someday resent having to give up his friend...does he? probably, but he may tell you he won't call her but you're not with him 24/7. And I don't know about you, but when someone is demanding something of me, there are 2 consequences I may shot for, I either go along stewing all the time because I have to comply to some idiots demands who doesn't trust me, or I find some other way around the command. Unfortunately, that's human behaviour. No one wants to feel like their back is up against the wall.

I understand you not wanting her to know personal issues within your marriage, but you're not everything to your partner when you both argue and you're trying to find an unbias opinion. Does he go to you? You're still arguing about this 7 years later. Does he dump his friend? I don't know if that is going to help you in the long run, he may just end up quite bitter about his lost. We've already established that our partners do not need to meet all of our needs, that's what friends, family etc are for...but you have to decide what's right for you, I would just be careful what you're ask for.

Paris

DH,

You know I'm on your side, right?
My dear George: You definitely are otherwise these lovely ladies here would have kicked you out a long time ago:tongue2::;)

If you are not jealous of this lady, then you must "really" dislike her.

Geee George, So tru, I strongly dislike her because of all the insults.

So your husband has offered to dump a long time good friend in order to maintain peace at home, that should say a lot about where you stand in your husband's heart. It also explains why it is so hard for him to let go of her. with.

Dear George:True again, he loves me so much. I'm the love of his life, his hopes and his dream as he's to me. I must say other than this problem we have a really good marriage. We give each other our everything.

The truth is, as we travel through life, we do not run into that many people who genuinely care about us, who we connect

George: I wonder about that, I want to grow old to see if I value friendship more than I do now.

I could never offer to end my friendship with either of these lady's in order to preserve peace at home, as your husband has done for you.

Well, My dear George you have not met as sweeta lady as me. When you do I guarantee you would dump the whole world to see that sweetheart smiles everyday. No just kidding:p;):) Yes my love and my sweet love does a lot of things to fit me into his life. He's really the sweetest one.

Of course, neither of my lady friends have ever been so rude as to make disparaging comments about my girlfriends or wives.

Thats good George, this lady did and that is why we need to let her go. I feel sorry that she crossed the line. If she was professional she wouldn't have had to go away.

with care, George

Thanks george

I agree with Geo.

This is someone who obviously made a huge difference in his life and he trusts her, probably as much as he trusts you.
This is the woman who has a history of hanging on to her exs. She does a good job in our business and charges us less than any other book keepers but we feel that we rather spend more money on someone who is professional than on her who likes to stick her nose into our private lives and still calls my husbands with names they used to call each other during their time even though he asked her to stop.


I find that most men don't vent to other men...women are more compassionate and trusting to give an honest opinion. You see G is a friend of both of you and your husband would not put him in the position to take sides. This woman though will always be on his side and the truth is, we want someone we can trust to have our backs as friends.This is not tru. My hubby has a men's circle, they meet twice a month and they are his tremendous supporters. When we dated G was there and my husband married me only after a long talk and discussion with G. They understand each other very well. He considers him his closest buddy whom he can talk about any thing.

You on the other hand, played this all wrong. In your pursuant to being right, you could have embrace this woman and find out for yourself who you're dealing with. Instead you're in an arrogrant spin that you're husband will never leave you, like yada, yada, yada, but he does leave you, doesn't he, when he's talking to her. And that is what really is getting your goat...this is the problem with men treating women like queens...now you have him by the balls and he's going to comply or by golly there will be hell to pay.How can I embrace this woman after she makes lots of nasty comments and wrong judgements about me. Paris, you are so wrong, my husband does not leave me. He talks to her about business, emails her about business and does not want to talk to her about personal life anymore. I trust him I fully trust him. The only reasons I want them to stop all contacts because of the past mistakes my husabnd made and that is sharing our personal issues with her. He does not do it anymore I believe him. My biggest problem is that I just can't forgive her for all the things she had said about me in the past. I know I need to work on 'lettin' go'
I had a good talk with my hubby today he told me from the very core of heart that he told her he would like to keep in touch with her just to make her feel better, now that I believe and feel that he really is truthful to me in his words and actions I see nothing wrong in making a person feel better. I believe in mu husband and I know that the contacts will stop soon.

Paris have you ever been in a loving and committed relationship that is built in trust and in an unconditional love. Such relationship does exist but there are very few of them. I'm in one of those and let me tell you: Life is wonderful, wait a minute, I did not say we are free of issues but just knowing that you are in that kind of a realtionship makes you feel relieved secured and I realised that I'm so blesses. Inspite of the issues we have here and there I still believe that life couldn't be better. I'm so blessed with the most loving husband one could ever ask for.


The thing is, who really pays. Think about it...do you? Hardly, he's the one who will someday resent having to give up his friend...does he? probably, but he may tell you he won't call her but you're not with him 24/7. And I don't know about you, but when someone is demanding something of me, there are 2 consequences I may shot for, I either go along stewing all the time because I have to comply to some idiots demands who doesn't trust me, or I find some other way around the command. Unfortunately, that's human behaviour. No one wants to feel like their back is up against the wall.

I would not settle for a person who does not keep his word.

My husband has a lot of integrity and I can bet all the money I have that he will never keep in touch with this woman after the business is done because he is happy and content with his marriage. He's been keeping her for 7 years because he told her he would and that agreement was made before I came into his life. I really admire him for keeping his word to her. Our marriage is based on trust, if we tell each other we'll do some thing we do it. Trust, love and committment is where our marriage stands. Our marriage gets stronger everyday as we face life challenges and I know better today about him than yesterday because we just talk about this very issue.

I understand you not wanting her to know personal issues within your marriage, but you're not everything to your partner when you both argue and you're trying to find an unbias opinion. Does he go to you? You're still arguing about this 7 years later. Does he dump his friend? I don't know if that is going to help you in the long run, he may just end up quite bitter about his lost. We've already established that our partners do not need to meet all of our needs, that's what friends, family etc are for...but you have to decide what's right for you, I would just be careful what you're ask for.
I may not his everything but I'm the most important person to him. The marriage belongs to both of us, I'm part of ever issue in the marraige and he needs to respect me when talking about those issues, hence, he should not talk to those people I'm not comfortable with. Talking to someone who I don't feel comfortable with does not solve the problem it only makes it worse. He has not dumped her but he is in the process. As soon as she submits all the papers the company needs she is gone. By the way, my husband does not really call her friend he calls her 'the book keeper'.

Paris

Thanks Paris

If he's all that and he's telling you you are what's important to him, then why continue to be a thorn on his side. This is more about you then him, I wager. A mistake he made and you're holding her responsible. He's willing to go the distance, now lets see how it will affect him.

So she said some things about you, are they true, if not dont' worry about it...you know who you are. And I'm willing to bet that this woman called you names as I said before, to be on his side, but she really has no idea who you are anymore than you know her. Its all a question of what people find fair and just. She was only hearing one side of the story.
Let it go. You're just living up to her words.

And yes, I've been in love and have many friends who are in even more trusting marriages then I think is the norm...10/15/20+ years. To tell you the truth, I don't know too many people who are divorce which to their credit gives me a very strong example of what marriage is based on. Many of them live by the code of letting their husbands know where they stand once or twice and then letting them use their free will to govern themselves and make the right decision. I tread carefully on forcing others to make force decisions according to your dictates, because when other arguements surface, I don't wouldn't want him throwing things back in your face. In other words, you don't want him living with regrets. Integrity or not, inspite of you, and other g/fs, he kept in contact with her.

If he's telling you he does not share anything with her, that's good for you, isn't it. you say you trust him, but it sounds like that trust is still shaking and predicated on whether he adheres to your demands....?

Have you consider talking to her? See where she's coming from, finding out what her take is on all this.

He's been keeping her for 7 years because he told her he would and that agreement was made before I came into his life. I really admire him for keeping his word to her.

And yet you want him to break it now, I thought this was a man of integrity. Because whatever she may say about you, it should make no difference to you, you're the one who has him and she lives elsewhere.

Well, if it makes you feel better and gives you a better sense of security that's all that matters. Your husband sounds like a nice friendly guy and I think he would be friendly and connect with anyone be they men or women.

I have a friend like him who is still emailing an old g/f. His wife doesn't mind though, and this other woman is also married and a few states away. At first i thought it was wierd too, but he loves his wife, talks about her all the time since I sat next to him and he was the VP of sales for my company. But he talked about this other woman too, as a friend and up to a year ago, he and his wife were down in Fla on business and they all went out to dinner with her and her husband. So I also know these kinds of relationship, though wierd to some, do work.

Paris

wow, I guess Im in the minority again lol.

The way I been acquainted with an "emotional affair" is someone outside of the relationship that one partner turns to talk to about all of the private things that happen within the relationship that the partner is in, it's usually someone from the opposite sex. Most emotional affairs happen with a co-worker, friend or with an "online" friend. The online friends are usually someone that they can talk to, its subversive and they usually end up breaking up relationships.

Honestly your husband knows, has known for 7 years that you are unhappy with this relationship, this woman knows that she is causing a rift between you and your husband but she obviously doesnt have any respect for you or your marriage if she continues to put her need for a confidante ahead of respecting the marriage of her friend. If I knew that I was causing a rift for a dear friend between him and his wife, I would out of love and respect for that friend back the hell off, but she doesnt.

He is putting his friendship with this woman above his relationship with his WIFE, and his relationship with his wife should take priority over any other relationship barring his relationship with his children( if he has any).

From one friend told me the counselor that she went to told her that an emotional affair is worse than a physical one and that it is never healthy in a relationship if you want your real relationship to survive. She advised that she break her connection with the person that she was emotionally attached and start building a loving, trusting relationship with her husband instead.

I think your husband is wrong, good luck to you.

After reading DH's last reply to Paris, I get the feeling that she and her hubby have things in perspective and well planned. His committment to this woman is almost fulfilled, and upon fulfillment he shall terminate the friendship.

On the subject of how important friends should be to a married person, I disagree that they are less important than a spouse, and here's why. After two divorces and several terminated relationships, it has been my friends, male and female, who time after time have been there to give me moral support, to help me pick up the pieces, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to listen and show they care. My advice to anyone is never, ever, abandon your healthy, supportive, long term friendships for a spouse. It is the spouse who must prove he or she fits in with the inner circle of friends prior to the marriage.

In the case of DH's hubby's female friend, I think her friendship was less than a healthy one, and he is making a good choice to let it slide. It is tough to give up a good accountant though!

the old guy

On the subject of how important friends should be to a married person, I disagree that they are less important than a spouse, and here's why. After two divorces and several terminated relationships, it has been my friends, male and female, who time after time have been there to give me moral support, to help me pick up the pieces, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to listen and show they care. My advice to anyone is never, ever, abandon your healthy, supportive, long term friendships for a spouse. It is the spouse who must prove he or she fits in with the inner circle of friends prior to the marriage.



the old guy

I've never been married and have only had three relationships but I agree with you there. I wouldn't tolerate my partner requesting that I end a relationship with a good friend because he feels uncomfortable. I am friends with one of exes and I have a very good male friend who Delroy has never met but know about because of what I've told him. Just a month ago, I went out with my girlfriends and I saw one of my exes and he gave me his business card. When I returned home I showed the card to Delroy and told him about the encounter and that was the end of the discussion. Delroy has not asked me if I've called him or if I planned to call him. The business card is still in the living room and I have never used it. The point is, this is the kind of freedom I enjoy in my relationship and I wouldn't accept less.

In DH's case, it is very difficult to find the middle ground. I understand her concerns and the way she feels, yet I'm inclined to believe that he should not be asked to totally severe a relationship with a trusted friend because of his wife's discomfort. I personally would feel guilty if I had to ask my partner to make that decision. I feel that people should be allowed the room to make their own decisions and he should be mature enough to know not to do anything that would jeopardize his relationship/marriage, but if I had to twist his arm then I wouldn't be comfortable.

I've never been married and have only had three relationships but I agree with you there. I wouldn't tolerate my partner requesting that I end a relationship with a good friend because he feels uncomfortable. I am friends with one of exes and I have a very good male friend who Delroy has never met but know about because of what I've told him. Just a month ago, I went out with my girlfriends and I saw one of my exes and he gave me his business card. When I returned home I showed the card to Delroy and told him about the encounter and that was the end of the discussion. Delroy has not asked me if I've called him or if I planned to call him. The business card is still in the living room and I have never used it. The point is, this is the kind of freedom I enjoy in my relationship and I wouldn't accept less.

In DH's case, it is very difficult to find the middle ground. I understand her concerns and the way she feels, yet I'm inclined to believe that he should not be asked to totally severe a relationship with a trusted friend because of his wife's discomfort. I personally would feel guilty if I had to ask my partner to make that decision. I feel that people should be allowed the room to make their own decisions and he should be mature enough to know not to do anything that would jeopardize his relationship/marriage, but if I had to twist his arm then I wouldn't be comfortable.

but this friend was his girlfriend at one time..you do not run to your exes no matter what the cost and complain and tell your problems about your wife to them...
I chose not to be friends with my exes because I did not want Kai to feel uncomfortable..the only time we see him is when he is with the granddaughters mom..

Of all the problems that I had in my last marriage this thankfully wasnt one of them, if it had been I would probably have divorced sooner.

I think it depends on the friend.

If this is a long time friend who does not feel that the length of time that they share with the spouse is more important and makes them feel as if they know the spouse better and feel their needs should be put before the other spouse then great but at no time is it healthy for someone outside of the relationship to become more important than either spouse. IF that happens, 1 spouse is usually left feeling as an un needed third wheel.

There has to be flexibility and compromise in every relationship, to be told to just accept ALL my friendships and lump it, does not sound for the grounds of a healthy relationship, it actually sounds as a sure way to insure that the partner being told that there is no ground for compromise; you have to fit your round hole into this square peg and change, is going to try at first, feel bitter, and end up really not liking the friends. I had an ex who did this to me a long time ago, in the end I felt that his need for his friends was more important than his need for my companionship and the relationship ended.

Women in general do not get bent, over other women who are friends with their partners unless they feel threatened by that relationship, unless we feel that a part of what should be ours as a partner is being shared with someone else, in this case the intimacy and privacy of being able to have a private life with all of its squabbles and messes without the outside interference of an ex girlfriend turned bosom buddy.

If he's all that and he's telling you you are what's important to him, then why continue to be a thorn on his side. This is more about you then him, I wager. A mistake he made and you're holding her responsible. He's willing to go the distance, now lets see how it will affect him.

So she said some things about you, are they true, if not dont' worry about it...you know who you are. And I'm willing to bet that this woman called you names as I said before, to be on his side, but she really has no idea who you are anymore than you know her. Its all a question of what people find fair and just. She was only hearing one side of the story.

Let it go. You're just living up to her words.And yes, I've been in love and have many friends who are in even more trusting marriages then I think is the norm...10/15/20+ years. To tell you the truth, I don't know too many people who are divorce which to their credit gives me a very strong example of what marriage is based on. Many of them live by the code of letting their husbands know where they stand once or twice and then letting them use their free will to govern themselves and make the right decision. I tread carefully on forcing others to make force decisions according to your dictates, because when other arguements surface, I don't wouldn't want him throwing things back in your face. In other words, you don't want him living with regrets. Integrity or not, inspite of you, and other g/fs, he kept in contact with her.

If he's telling you he does not share anything with her, that's good for you, isn't it. you say you trust him, but it sounds like that trust is still shaking and predicated on whether he adheres to your demands....?

Have you consider talking to her? See where she's coming from, finding out what her take is on all this.



And yet you want him to break it now, I thought this was a man of integrity. Because whatever she may say about you, it should make no difference to you, you're the one who has him and she lives elsewhere.



Well, if it makes you feel better and gives you a better sense of security that's all that matters. Your husband sounds like a nice friendly guy and I think he would be friendly and connect with anyone be they men or women.

Paris

I do contribute to this problem and my biggest weakness is ' I don't let go'

The term of the agreement they made is up this month and she is gone in May. My husband wanted to keep her because she does a good job, but since I'm still upset with what she said in the past we let her go and she is gone in May.

but this friend was his girlfriend at one time..you do not run to your exes no matter what the cost and complain and tell your problems about your wife to them...
I chose not to be friends with my exes because I did not want Kai to feel uncomfortable..the only time we see him is when he is with the granddaughters mom..

The fact that this friend is an ex complicate matters, but their relationship ended years before his marriage to DH and they had become really good friends. I personally believe that exes can become good friends especially if they were friends before becoming intimate. As I said before, I understand DH's feelings especially the feeling of violation because intimate details were discussed. However, I would ask him to limit contact to holidays or special events and let him decide if he wants to severe ties completely on his own terms. DH and her husband appears to have it all worked out but I would caution against twisting one's arm as the result in the long run is rarely to the relationship's advantage. This is just my personal opinion based on the information I have.

After reading DH's last reply to Paris, I get the feeling that she and her hubby have things in perspective and well planned. His committment to this woman is almost fulfilled, and upon fulfillment he shall terminate the friendship.

On the subject of how important friends should be to a married person, I disagree that they are less important than a spouse, and here's why. After two divorces and several terminated relationships, it has been my friends, male and female, who time after time have been there to give me moral support, to help me pick up the pieces, to provide a shoulder to cry on, to listen and show they care. My advice to anyone is never, ever, abandon your healthy, supportive, long term friendships for a spouse. It is the spouse who must prove he or she fits in with the inner circle of friends prior to the marriage.

I agree with you George unless a friend is an ex lover because I don't feel comfortable sharing my marriage issues with an ex lover and I don't want my husband to share with his.

It is tough to give up a good accountant though!the old guy

Very tru and it's been a struggle for us. We now have three accounting agencies doing our accounting and we are looking for the fourth one to take the place of the woman we are letting go.