25 years between us

To stop this post getting LLOOONNNGGGG i'll just post the essentials...

We met 3 years ago, instant attraction on both sides, saw each other for a while, got along great, then he went to work abroad and we lost touch.

We've been in contact irragularly since he came back, usually going out at Christmas, and i settled for a friendship, catching up once in a while, despite the fact that the attraction was always the same, it never went away no matter how much time was passing.

Then, this year, we went out at Christmas, but ever since then he's been phoning me regularly, he called on my birthday, he's called since then, and we've arranged to see each other this thursday.

So, this 'friendship' has taken another turn apparently, and i don't know how best to respond so that i don't scare him off.
He has a major issue with the age difference (i'm 20 he's 45) and says that if he was younger we'd be together every day and that he's sure we would have a brilliant time together. I'm sure he's right, and i'd love to give it a go more than anything in this world, but how to go about it, given that he's so insecure about the age difference?

So, how should i handle Thursday, and how can i reassure him that the age is not an issue?

Well say go for it.... If he is uncomfortable that is normal for the beginning... I was uncomfortable to..... Either he gets over it or not.. Just try it out... see how it goes..... No commitments right away... start it out like ANY relationship you would have..... If it is right it will happen..... I am 27 and i am engaged to a 44 year old ... and it's great.....so Just go at it like any relationship... because really that is all it is....

That's how things are on my end too...the age difference is too much for him, sometimes I htink he's getting over it...but it's always in the back of his mind. So I say exactly what Mer says...just give it a try. Take is one step at a time, slow - no one is asking for a major commitment, just a chance.

Thank you for your advice - that's what i'll try to do, take it one step at a time.

I can't believe i'm nervous already, it's only 9.30am!! We're not meeting until 6pm, :rolleyes:

Good Luck Kathrine.... You both will be fine... if you can realize y ou are going out and in love with the MAN not the AGE.....:-)

How did it go!?

We had a brilliant night , and we're seeing each other again this Sunday - going to take his dog for a walk then going for lunch.
I honestly don't know whether this will go anywhere, he still has issues with the age difference, always putting himself down and saying he's no good as a long term prospect - if only he could realise that it is the person and not the age that interests me.

It's strange - he's talking about going working abroad again, but saya although he's signed the contract until he gets on the plane then he hasn't agreed to go, implying he might stay here - i told him not to go because of the conflict over there at the moment, but it was like he wanted more than that, as if he wanted me to say stay for me, or for us.
But past experience makes me weary of coming on too strong in case it scares him off again, it's all so confusing!!

They give you a chance to say something ... but you don't say what they want to hear....although what you do say is meaningful...they are looking for something else....quick example:

Last week we were laying in bed talking, and I told him that he was a wonderful person and all the mushing stuff....he asks:

"So what are you trying to say"

and my dumb *** replies " You make me happy" afterwards - I think he was looking for an "I Love You". I should have seized that moment...damn it.

Well best of luck to you on Sunday...keep us posted. Only time will tell.....which really sucks!

It's like they seem to think you can read their mind, that you know exactly what they want to hear.

If only they knew how difficult it makes things at times!!:)

Men, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!!!

Hello everyone - I stumbled across this board while surfing the net for some info on "May-Nov" romances. I am just embarking on one. I'm 40 and he's 60, and we've only been out a few times. I am nervous, but I"m ALWAYS nervous about dating!

MerAlove - I really like what you said about "treat it like any other relationship." Great advice!

Things are moving slowly with us, and I think that is good. I had a serious relationship with someone a few years younger fall apart a few years ago. I"ve gone on many, many dates since then, but I've stumbled across so many men that had issues with me or with their baggage. My OM is the first guy in a long time that makes me feel like he really wants to get to know me and that he likes spending time with me. He tries to think of things to do that he knows will interest me - and he does a great job!

We haven't even kissed yet, and my nervousness continues, but I"m trying to relax and "go with the flow." So, I really liked this thread.

I'm sure I'll be back with questions as things progress.

~Morgaine

Dont know what happened to my last post but it didn't appear on here :(

Anyway, another update after Sunday. We went for a walk then for lunch - another good day spent together.

Problem is i think he's the most confused man i've ever met in my life! I think in his own way he does care about me, but he's been badly hurt in the past, and i think he's intent on living out his life alone. the thought doesn't even seem to bother him, he really can't see that it's such a waste

We are supposed to be seeing each other again on Thursday - by which time he think's he'll have made a decision about whether to go working abroad again or not. I think he will go, there' s something in him that just can't settle down, like i said, it's such a waste.

Katherine - I had a bunch of posts/replies in chit chat disappear too. Must be some glich. :(

It sounds like you had a nice day with your guy. Since he has already brought up the age diff, seems like you can be direct and tell him it doesn't bother you.

He sounds great!

~M

Problem is i think he's the most confused man i've ever met in my life! I think in his own way he does care about me, but he's been badly hurt in the past, and i think he's intent on living out his life alone. the thought doesn't even seem to bother him, he really can't see that it's such a waste

Oh girl...I am on the same page....sort of. My Honey has been hurt not once...but TWICE! His first wife (at 28) left him for an 18 yr. old pizza boy (my Honey's employee). Then he dated a woman for 6 yrs. - when things were getting serious, he asked her to move it and she said "I don't love you any more". Later he found out she was w/ a younger man. So seeing that I am only 22 he fears that I will leave him in 15 yrs....b/c he DOESN'T want to spend his life alone.

Have you two talked openly and honestly? I hope things work to your favor!

Wow, i can't believe how similar our situations are, in some ways at least.
L was hurt by his now ex-wife at around 28, then he dated someone for 6 years who ran off with someone else and is now engaged again.

We try to talk openly, but i think he has a really low opinion of himself, in his own words he says he just comes into peoples lives and f*cks them over, he thinks he's useless and irresponsible - i hate the people who've made him think so little of himself even though i don't know them.

I just don't know how to deal with these assumptions. He also has a really bad opinion of women because of the things that have happened in the past - he think they're never satisfied and always demanding more. But then he comes out with some great master plan for us to go and live in the south of france so he can take care of me. It's just one contradiction after another with him...

Let him know (if you are serious) that your willing to work with him and his insecurities....b/c you want him to do the same for you. Keep talking and get things out in the open.

Contradictions suck! My honey used to do that...gets you so confused. I hope the end has some light for you :)

How did you manage to get round the contradictions phase? And how did you deal with all the conflicting things you were being told? It really confuses me, i never know whether to open up or keep my mouth shut!!!

thanks for all the advice by the way, it's great to find someone who understands :)

How did you manage to get round the contradictions phase? And how did you deal with all the conflicting things you were being told? It really confuses me, i never know whether to open up or keep my mouth shut!!!

Honestly, it's a really hard call. I've spent wonderful days with my honey and then at night he starts to push me away telling me I need to find someone younger. Then he likes to add 'we're just really good friends'. Then an hour later he's telling me how much he 'digs' me. It yo-yo's so often that when I do get the courage to say something - he seems to be "okay", so I don't say anything in fear that I may bring up something I don't want to.

Once I got the courage to say something when he insisted on me dating someone younger. We were eating dinner at the time and I said Then what am I doing here? Yeah, then the whole 'friends' conversation comes around. He tells me he fights he feelings towards me. He is afraid of the years to come. He once asked if I would ever leave him. I told him I didn't know, and I didn't know if he was going to leave me - because no one knows the future.

I'm sorry I can't be much of help in this department...I too am struggling. I can only say what I know so far.

Best of luck to you! Keep keeping us posted :)

Hey Katherine...welcome to the site. My two cents, as we say around here...well as EMCAD80 knows, I've had the same sort of push and pull behavior from my OM...

However, something to think about for you, for all of us...recently, after I returned from an out of town trip and my guy was back to being wonderful (as opposed to distant, pushing me away)he said one little thing that sticks out regarding this situation...we were talking about us, and why he'd pulled away, blah blah blah...anyway he said he had realized, regarding me: "Here's this great girl, and she likes me IN SPITE OF MY FAULTS."

I laughed a bit...and agreed. Then said, well, i did try not too...(like him)

It goes both ways of course...I have my faults, and he is aware of them, and he likes me anyway.

Let them know, ladies, those silly/sweet/adorable/only slightly neurotic men (hee hee) that you like them, you really really like them (faults and all.)

Take a deep breath and stay strong. :cool:

I am so glad to hear about a 40 / 60 relationship. Most of these boards are full of people in their young 20's. Hard to relate to some of the things you and I face with our older relationships.

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We each brought 2 kiddos into the relationship. He's wonderful. They're wonderful.

Now that he is nearing retirement, issues change. We are graduating kiddos and planning our next phase. I am in college part time while working full time and so am looking at starting my second career as he retires. He's very supportive of my having a full life.

Interesting times. I wouldn't give them up for the world.

Life is short. Lots of creeps our own age out there. For me, I'll take loving a man 20 years my senior any day. We meet in the middle anyway. He's active, healthy and my best friend.

If you can be patient and just take each day as a gift with him, you two will work it out. Ignore others trying to impart why it won't work. I usually find it's because they don't have what I have.

I love him more and more each day. I want to grow as old together as I can with him, recognizing he will reach the finish line far before I do. But what's life for anyway. Love. That's what.


Good luck to you. Know your heart.

I'm glad you two are here...you really help out the younger younger women. I look forward to your posts.

Yn.... How old are you and he?

I love hearing about relationships like yours who've been at it for awhile.... definatly keep posting....

yngr - I would like to hear more to! I am 40 and my guy is 60, but we are just starting out. Our relationships is very, very young and I wonder whether he'll really want to have more children (he says he would), whether his children will accept me (not very good signs so far) and I wonder how I'll feel 10 years from now. Sometimes I think about how he doesn't fit my "image" of who I wouldn end up with, but then I realize he does fit the image except for the age. Due to where I am at in my life, I initimadate men my own age. With him - I have a lot in common and he seems proud of my accomplishments. It seems to me it is so much less about age and more about where you are at in your life.

Thoughts? Anyone??!

I must say ....it's so nice to be able to pop in and share thoughts and ideas.

ps - Thanks EMCAD! :)

~M