How To Tell Your Parents

I'm new here, and I've been searching the forums for a previous topic on this, but I can't find one. So...

I am seeing an OM, he is 28 years older than I am. (I'm 28, so... twice my age). I have taken this very slowly, but it's developed wonderfully and he makes me happy. I have put off telling my mother, and put it off and put it off, because she is one of those parents who usually reacts poorly to anyone I date. (Yet positively to anyone by brother dates.) She is likely to flip and start a fight, and I don't want to cause that; I'd like the two people that are most important to me (OM and mother) to not be a cause of conflict, yet at the same time, I'm not going to leave him just because my mother objects. (I have reason to believe she will as she got very angry at me when she THOUGHT I was seeing someone older than me just because I was helping him out by making a website for him, and he wasn't as old as my partner is.)

Well... that's enough rambling. I'm assuming that pretty much everyone here has told their parents about their relationship. I want to tell her because I want her to share in my life's happiness, but I don't know the best way to do it. How did you all do it? And how did your parents react?

Thanks for any advice!

Welcome CL!

You start by talking good things about the man you are dating without telling her his age. Make sure your siblings especially your brothers hear good things about him as well. Talk about the places you go, how he treats you and why he's so special. If your brothers and your partner have anything in common like the love of a particular sport etc. then use that as way to get them to like him before knowing his actual age or meeting him.

My mother is 5 years older than my fiance who is 30yrs my senior, but they get along great. Long before she met him she knew many things about him, so when she final did it was as if she already knew him.

Hope this helps.:)

I always have the attitude of expecting the people who say they love me to offer support, advice, respect and kindness. I always let them know that control & criticism are not acceptable with me. That's perhaps a little defiant or arrogant, but my defiance helped me survive a less than perfect childhood, and ... well ... my ancestors are German, so the arrogance comes naturally.

But I'm 6'2", 200 pounds, and when I get miffed these big veins pop out of my forehead. I'm told when I get miffed the look on my face would stop a charging rhinocerous. So I get away with a lot of stuff other people might not get away with.

In a perfect world your OM should have asked your mother's permission to see you up front, that would have impressed the hell out of her. But old fashioned morals like that are all but forgotten. So I think GoodChild has offered a good path for you to take.

Food for thought:

Eventually you're gonna have to face your mother, be prepared for her hissy fit, and don't let her drama be the end of your world. Her hissy fits are a means of controlling other people she developed as a child. She makes people walk on egg shells around her, behave and do as she wants them to behave and do. This is unproductive behavioral stuff, its a shame. Its up to you to stand up to mom at some point in time and let her know that you will no longer let her control you with her hissy fits.

Mom needs to deal with her need to control. The point in life is not to control, its to cope. Mom needs to develop coping skills other than controlling every situation. In regards to loved ones, the idea is to support them and love them, not control them. I understand she actually thinks she has your best interest at heart, she thinks an older man dating you is somehow perverse. She should never threaten to take her love or acceptance away from her loved ones just because they don't do what she wants them to. That is not unconditional love. That's holding people hostage. You must be allowed to make your own decisions, right or wrong. Your mother learned about life by making mistakes and learning from them, its your right to learn the same way.

the old guy

My hubby is 29 years my senior and this is how I told my parents about him. First I told them that someone very wonderful was interested on me. A week later, I told them that I was seeing that wonderful gentleman and I kept talking about how well he treated me and how happy I was to be with him whenever I had a chance. They ofcourse never asked how old he was. When my old man was ready to come visit my parents, a got a passport size photo of him took it home and showed it to my parents. My father said 'he is old' my mother said 'but we have vowed to accept any man our daoughter chooses'. A week later he visited my parents and everyone was happy and comfortable. They love him more evrday, sometimes they seem to love him more than me:D I get jealous:yes:

Been married 6 years and forever......
That's how I did it and it worked for me. Good Luck to you!

I always have the attitude of expecting the people who say they love me to offer support, advice, respect and kindness. I always let them know that control & criticism are not acceptable with me. That's perhaps a little defiant or arrogant, but my defiance helped me survive a less than perfect childhood, and ... well ... my ancestors are German, so the arrogance comes naturally.

But I'm 6'2", 200 pounds, and when I get miffed these big veins pop out of my forehead. I'm told when I get miffed the look on my face would stop a charging rhinocerous. So I get away with a lot of stuff other people might not get away with.

In a perfect world your OM should have asked your mother's permission to see you up front, that would have impressed the hell out of her. But old fashioned morals like that are all but forgotten. So I think GoodChild has offered a good path for you to take.

Food for thought:

Eventually you're gonna have to face your mother, be prepared for her hissy fit, and don't let her drama be the end of your world. Her hissy fits are a means of controlling other people she developed as a child. She makes people walk on egg shells around her, behave and do as she wants them to behave and do. This is unproductive behavioral stuff, its a shame. Its up to you to stand up to mom at some point in time and let her know that you will no longer let her control you with her hissy fits.

Mom needs to deal with her need to control. The point in life is not to control, its to cope. Mom needs to develop coping skills other than controlling every situation. In regards to loved ones, the idea is to support them and love them, not control them. I understand she actually thinks she has your best interest at heart, she thinks an older man dating you is somehow perverse. She should never threaten to take her love or acceptance away from her loved ones just because they don't do what she wants them to. That is not unconditional love. That's holding people hostage. You must be allowed to make your own decisions, right or wrong. Your mother learned about life by making mistakes and learning from them, its your right to learn the same way.

the old guy

Hi all,

I've been lurking on Ageless for a long time, but have never posted. I also struggle with a controlling and domineering mother, and I just have to say that Geo55 is a very wise man. I think I'll print this out and put it on my refrigerator so I can read it over and over and over until it becomes my mantra!

Geo55 - if only I were young enough for you!

I am in the same boat as the original poster. I have been with my for 4 years though and have managed to deny being together. He is 28 yrs older than me, I am 23. We work together also. My parents know him, but as my boss, not my boyfriend. They like him and get along with him. It is a strange situation and I am tired of keeping it a secret. He doesnt want his children to know, especially his daughter who is my age (and my friend). He is afraid she will hate him. We both think that our family and friends suspect we are an item but no-body comes out and says it. I don't know what to do either.

Girls: do not think that only YW have problem with parents. My conversation with my mom went like this:

Me: Mom, I have something to tell you, I have a bf.

Her: :)

Me: He is from the United States, I met him on the internet

Her: :tongue1:

Me: He is younger than me.

Her: :confused:

Me: 21 years younger than me.

Her: :Thud:

Me: He is coming to Panama and we are going to live together.

Her: :dummy!::witsend:

Me: I have been a good person all my life and I have the right to be happy

Her: :rant:

Me: Mom, I will not change my mind, I do not live for others and I do not care about what other people say, my friends will still be my friends, and I do not need those who do not accept my happiness. Do not talk to me anymore if you do not want to, but I love you and I know you love me. Let me be me.

Her: :kiss2:

... and this is my story.

I think that is a wonderful story Sheila...have you ever thought of acting classes?

I think that is a wonderful story Sheila...have you ever thought of acting classes?
Lol, Maybe I can write a play? ;)

Lol, Maybe I can write a play? ;)

Not for nothin' Sheila, but I think you just did! Very nice.

Mike

Lol, Maybe I can write a play? ;)

Yeah what Mike said...LOL

Okay here you go
My fiances family FLIPPED to..

What you have to do is stanf your ground..LET her get mad..you are not responsible for her happiness ..she is the only one who can do that
This is NOT about her this is about you and him

SO my fiances and my LOVELY adventure

He tells them I met a girl ..WELL good for you..is she nice
WHy yes she is WONDERFUL and I have fallen in love with her
OH really ..SO when do we get to meet her???........UM well you cant yet ..she is in America...AMERICA??? *rolls eyes* ...Yes she is from America I really do like her and she is a very special person

Well how old is she?.........UM well She is older then me....HOW MUCH OLDER???????.....She is older then me that is all I am saying....WELL what is she a damn PEDOPHILE??....NO she is NOT a damn perdophile..she is my GIRLFRIEND...

okay well why cant you be honest with us son? ....WELL because everytime I try to tell you something that is good in my life YOU FLIP....SON we wont get mad...OKAY promise??/.....WE promise!!.....OKAY she is 40....

40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR A KID......NO Im an adult....I can vote I work..I pay my bills...FIGHT BREAKS OUT....

LOOK dad and mom..THIS IS MY LIFE...YOU MAY NOT LIKE IT BUT OH WELL..YOU CAN BE MAD OR YOU CAN SUPPORT ME AND BE HAPPY FOR ME...ITS YOUR CHOICE..BUT IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE MAD THEN IT IS YOU WHO WILL BE MISSING OUT ON WONDERFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE...if you CHOSE to be a part of it..I would be happy...


NO WE REFUSE......okay FINE..your lose..but I am NOT giving up something that makes me happy...If you really loved and cared about me you will let me MAKE THIS CHOICE and accept it


plain and simple...STAND UP FOR YOU!!

These are great responses. I have wondered how to tell my father if my relationship goes to the next level. My mom already knows and she didn't freak out too much (she recently just became ok with it. Her biggest protest was the same she has for every guy I date, which is, be careful, don't let him rape you or kill you pretty much), but I think my dad will sit me down to have a "talk". As in he will try to talk me out of it.

I will have to keep this thread in mind if/when I have to go down this road.

These are great responses. I have wondered how to tell my father if my relationship goes to the next level. My mom already knows and she didn't freak out too much (she recently just became ok with it. Her biggest protest was the same she has for every guy I date, which is, be careful, don't let him rape you or kill you pretty much), but I think my dad will sit me down to have a "talk". As in he will try to talk me out of it.

I will have to keep this thread in mind if/when I have to go down this road.

well good luck and know that there are us here who have gone through it..
if you need us we are here and cheering you on!

Grumpysgirl,

Just how old is that guy that his parents are so controlling of him and still call him a "kid"?

And I'm curious, where is he from?

Hi CuddlyLady,

Hmmm, I don't know where you are from but your mom (no offense) pretty much sounds like the average mom where I come from (Greece). No, honestly. Are you sure we are not siblings???? MOM????

Ok, I went through something similar with my ex younger boyfriend of 7 years. When we started dating he had just turned 18 (literally) and I was 25. Now, this guy was really decent. Soon after we started dating, I went through major surgery and my face was paralysed for a year! The doctors told me I would probably stay like that for the rest of my life (which thank God didn't happen). This guy didn't mind, called me beautiful and helped me get my life back. I felt so beautiful and complete that it literally revived my severed nerves and now I have full mobility of my facial muscles.

Anyway, when I told my mother about him, I couldn't tell her he was 7 years younger. What happened is I had my surgery in December and in February I was quite chirpy so she asked me on Valentines day whether "I got a boyfriend". I said "yes and he is 3 years younger".

ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.

I'm not joking. My mom couldn't breathe from the shock. This is her exact response:

"Whaaaaaat? You are dating a guy 3 years younger??? What were you thinking? You are 25 and you should be thinking of marriage and kids? Do you want to end up a spinster like your aunt Rula? He is never going to respect and love you. He is just using you for sex and he is going to leave you as soon as a girl his age comes along. I am VERY disappointed in you. Did I raise you to be so frivolous?" etc etc etc

I DID NOT CARE.

I decided there and then that I would take control of my life. I mean come ON I was 25 paying my bills, living alone....and although I love my mom well...she is not exactly the best role model when it comes to relationships. So what I did is that I would simply NOT argue, and NOT talk about him any longer. I was decent enough to tell her about him and that was that. The only thing I told her was:

"Mom, you are currently using emotional blackmail and I don't like that. I know you want me to be happy, this is the relationship I want to be in, end of story."
After that, I evaded all questions about him. Every time she brought on the subject, I would respond "I am happy". Eventually she realized he was the one I wanted to date and when we broke up believe it or not she was very supportive and understanding. Greek mothers!

Anyway, to answer your question your aim is not to "understand" your mothers' hang ups or misgivings. Your mother loves you, she thinks she has your best interests at heart and she will probably react out of HER own insecurities and worries. Keep in mind that what you are aiming is:

1) Not to get her consent
2) Not to get her to instantly accept/love him
3) Not to give you permission to live your life

What you are aiming is to INFORM her about your life because you care and respect her and you want her to be a part of your life. And if she comes with any negative reactions just tell her that you understand how she must be feeling but after all you are 28 years old and you are old enough to make your own decisions. That this man is treating you wonderfully, respects you, is there for you, understands you and you don't intend to go back to dating "****** men" just because he happens to be older.

And then drop it.

In time she will get used to it.

PS tell her about him in one go. That way you avoid the "but you never told me about his age and so you were lying and there must be something wrong" speech.

Hope it goes really really well

PS 2 (If this man has a brother I'm single and willing) :bgrin2:

ayla

She said all that????? Over an age difference of three years??

NOW I've heard EVERYTHING!

YEAP!

Imagine if she knew he was 7 years younger!!! (leeeets not go there :bgrin2:)

Having been through the whole "age difference crisis thing" 20 years ago (with no help from internet forums, obviously!), I finally went the "foreign dating" route and found my younger love in the Philippines. She is 15 years younger, and that's a *mild* age difference believe it or not. Of our four friends who married the same way we did (which, by the way, our lovely government is now trying to BAN!!!!), the average age difference is over 20 years. The prize goes to our friends in Sarasota, FL, who were 21 & 55 when they married in 1991. None of my friends said anything about the family in the Philippines having any problem with the age gap.

When I come back here and hear horror stories of people having BALLISTIC FITS over such piddly age differences (and 7 years is piddly to me), it's like getting off the plane in Bismark, ND in January after vacationing a month in Cancoon!

Hey Bob,

Well, you cant change people can you. Even if they are family. You just learn to looooove them.

:D

ayla

Exactly!

It sounds like you've been through alot, and your BF had the character to stay with you through it all. He sounds mature and you sound like you know what you want, so I think you'll do ok.