Picking peoples brains

Hi everybody,

I just wanted to pick your brains for a second.

3 of my friends are getting married this summer. One of them was my best friend at school.

I got really offended the other day because she send me the wedding invitation and the first thing she asked was "who is coming with you to the wedding?"

I said "myself" and she got shocked. She said that surely there must be somebody that can come with me! When I indifferently responded
"no, I'm currently not dating and therefore I'll come alone" she made a joke about how there was still "time to land myself a bf before the wedding".

I didn't say anything because I thought she was joking. Then she became really thoughtful and said "this is going to be a problem because I will have to sit you at a table (for the wedding party) where there will be eligible bachelors for you to meet, you are approaching 30 and you have no time to waste".

Purely because there were other people in front I didn't make a big deal out of it. I simply told her that I felt happy being single at the moment. But it hurt because in a sense it was like she was trying to tell me that I wasn't a whole person without a man.

Anyway, part of the reason why I felt like that is because another school friend embarassed me in front of her future husband a few months ago. I was at her place and she was talking about her wedding. And then asked her fiance if he knew of any eligible bachelors from his work place for me. I cringed and tried to change the subject. He said that "the majority of men who work with him are from Morocco or Lebanon and due to religious reasons they don't wish to date Christians". Instead of dropping it she said "well, she could convert we should not be picky should we?" (needless to say SHE IS NOT MY FRIEND ANY MORE).

So, what would you do? Would you actually go to the wedding or avoid it all together?

Thank you

ayla

I'm sorry to say this , but your "friend" sounds like an ***. What a stupid statement she made to you. as if you are not a complete person without a man.:confused:I would avoid it and her like the plague. Sorry:(

The friend who said " we cant be picky now" can go jump in a lake stupid thing. As for the friend with the wedding, Im getting married in 3 months and I have to know who is bringing who so I can make a seating chart and you usually seat the singles together so that they wont be bored stuck at tables with couples who either only talk to themselves or talk to the other couples who have more in common. I know when my cousin got married and I was single at the time she said a lot something along the same lines like "hey maybe you'll be dating by then", all it meant was it would be less work for her with the seating arrangements easier to sit someone at a table when they bring their own table companion than trying to find a table companion for them.

You are complete without a man, sometimes its more fun that way too lol.

Hi Stwberries,

That's exactly why I didn't tell the girl anything. I wasn't sure how she meant it to be honest. But the other one was definitely offensive that's why we are not speaking any longer (and for a multitude of other reasons which have nothing to do with this one incident).

Hey congrats!!!

PS yes, being single is definitely more fun sometimes

ayla

"...you are approaching 30 and you have no time to waste".

Purely because there were other people in front I didn't make a big deal out of it. I simply told her that I felt happy being single at the moment. But it hurt because in a sense it was like she was trying to tell me that I wasn't a whole person without a man.
Why take that personally? If she wants to think that women lose their value after they hit 30, or that they "need" a man for some reason, that's on her. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever. And it's kind of sad. I don't think I could have come up with a response to something like that, and probably would have stood there looking at her like she was an alien. I guess if you want to celebrate an important event in her life, you should go to the wedding, but I wouldn't go out of any sense of obligation.

The friend who said " we cant be picky now" can go jump in a lake stupid thing. As for the friend with the wedding, Im getting married in 3 months and I have to know who is bringing who so I can make a seating chart and you usually seat the singles together so that they wont be bored stuck at tables with couples who either only talk to themselves or talk to the other couples who have more in common. I know when my cousin got married and I was single at the time she said a lot something along the same lines like "hey maybe you'll be dating by then", all it meant was it would be less work for her with the seating arrangements easier to sit someone at a table when they bring their own table companion than trying to find a table companion for them.

You are complete without a man, sometimes its more fun that way too lol.

My choice would be "Take a long walk off of a very short pier" but that works.

Hi Stwberries,

That's exactly why I didn't tell the girl anything. I wasn't sure how she meant it to be honest. But the other one was definitely offensive that's why we are not speaking any longer (and for a multitude of other reasons which have nothing to do with this one incident).

Hey congrats!!!

PS yes, being single is definitely more fun sometimes

ayla

It sounds like she might be genuinely concerned but immature as well. Having read what I read I begin to wonder if this boy is headed toward marrying a clingy woman which would make me run like h***. I don't like insecure clingy women I don't even like insecure but not clingy. This may explain why I'm still attracted to the chick I talked to JennyJen about.

Your SO IMO should compliment who you are and never complete you. You were a whole person when you were born. Das they way I see it.

If the bride meant to insult you then I wouldn't go to the wedding. I'd send a nice gift and card and then decide if I ever want to associate with her again. If she meant it in terms of seating arrangements only and meant no offence/harm then I would brush it off as lack of social graces and go to the wedding.

You most certainly do not need another person in your life to make you feel complete/whole. You are a whole functioning person in your own right. You do whatever you feel comfortable doing whether it be attending the ceremony only, attending the whole works or attending nothing at all. It's your choice.

Weddings can be a lot of fun. I would have asked her if you could bring a gf instead (so you do not have to depend on others for conversation) and YES YES, sit me at the table with other single guys! :bgrin2:

About the other friend: If this was an isolated incident, I would let it go. But if this is part of a series of issues, better drop this friendship.

Now let me warn you, if you ever decide to get married and you think that it will be the end of the story, you are wrong. Once you get married, you will be pressured to have a baby, once you have a baby, you will be pressured to have a baby of the opposite gender. God forbid you have two boys or two girls because people will demand one more! Finally after the 3 girls and the one boy, someone will start pressuring you to have your tubes tied. Then you get a break for a couple of decades, and then the pressure starts again... when will your daughter get married? When will you become a grandma?

Weddings can be a lot of fun. I would have asked her if you could bring a gf instead (so you do not have to depend on others for conversation) and YES YES, sit me at the table with other single guys! :bgrin2:

About the other friend: If this was an isolated incident, I would let it go. But if this is part of a series of issues, better drop this friendship.

Now let me warn you, if you ever decide to get married and you think that it will be the end of the story, you are wrong. Once you get married, you will be pressured to have a baby, once you have a baby, you will be pressured to have a baby of the opposite gender. God forbid you have two boys or two girls because people will demand one more! Finally after the 3 girls and the one boy, someone will start pressuring you to have your tubes tied. Then you get a break for a couple of decades, and then the pressure starts again... when will your daughter get married? When will you become a grandma?

Stop scaring me Sheila, it's almost like you know my relatives.:eek:

Why take that personally? If she wants to think that women lose their value after they hit 30, or that they "need" a man for some reason, that's on her. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever.

Totally agree. People say dumb things sometimes when they're so consumed with their own lives that they can't even fathom a world beyond their own point of view. People who are nearing a wedding, people who've just had babies... the list goes on and on.

A for instance: I've had two stillborn babies. I cannot tell you how many well-intending people said, "You're young; you can have another one," or "at least you already have one," as if that helped. :rolleyes: I could have been angry, offended, etc. but instead I just chalked it up to stupid things that were said by people who care about me.

I'd be a liar if I said I've never had a dumb-*** point of view that, years later, I regretted "sharing" with others so strongly! *shrugs* we're human; it happens. I'd let it go, go to the wedding alone if you want and have a good time.

Dear all,

Thank you all for your replies. Well, I have decided to go to the wedding because she is a good friend and people some times say things they don't mean (or they come across as rude when they sound much better in their heads). For example when I first moved to Britain and my English was not so great, I went out with a guy and told him "I want to play with you". He was in stitches! What I actually meant was that I wanted to play a game of chess....hmmmmm :D

Aaaaanyway, the other girl....well....it's really about her insecurities. You know, she is a bit of a show off (and always has been) that's why we are not close any longer. But yeah, I have no issues with my age, don't intend to get married just to appease other peoples worries. I'm quite happy right now doing things I like like Drawing. Come to think of it, I should show you guys some of my drawings.....the other day I drew a bottle, it came out wonky but at least people could tell it was a bottle (hurrrayyyyyyy!)

ayla

Wow. I wonder how people decide that everyone has to live life the way THEY do. That girl sounds kind of sad, really, to be acting like that. I thought that way of thinking was long passed, for the most part...I live in the south, and people have all kinds of ideas about social mores, but even here people (or at least people I've known) do not say things like that. You learn about people, and people always disappoint. I don't think it means you can't be friends, and maybe you could even educate her a bit. Either way, it's her problem, and not yours...

I said "myself" and she got shocked. She said that surely there must be somebody that can come with me! When I indifferently responded
"no, I'm currently not dating and therefore I'll come alone" she made a joke about how there was still "time to land myself a bf before the wedding".

I didn't say anything because I thought she was joking. Then she became really thoughtful and said "this is going to be a problem because I will have to sit you at a table (for the wedding party) where there will be eligible bachelors for you to meet, you are approaching 30 and you have no time to waste".

ROFL! I am always amazed when I'm reminded that there are people who still think that way and say stuff like that. And, frankly, that would have been my approach to the conversation.

I probably would have looked at her with an amused expression on my face so that she got the idea that I thought she was joking. If she persisted, I would have nicely giggled a little, shook my head, and said "Wow, I didn't know that people still thought that way." Maybe it would have been fun to throw in "Make sure they're all hotties because I'm not in a hurry and I might want to date more than one!" ;)

Purely because there were other people in front I didn't make a big deal out of it. I simply told her that I felt happy being single at the moment. But it hurt because in a sense it was like she was trying to tell me that I wasn't a whole person without a man.

Ahh, don't let her opinion that SHE isn't a whole person without a man hurt YOU. Irritated, perhaps. Sorry for her? Maybe. Hurt? That opinion is HER short-coming; not yours.

Anyway, part of the reason why I felt like that is because another school friend embarassed me in front of her future husband a few months ago. I was at her place and she was talking about her wedding. And then asked her fiance if he knew of any eligible bachelors from his work place for me. I cringed and tried to change the subject. He said that "the majority of men who work with him are from Morocco or Lebanon and due to religious reasons they don't wish to date Christians". Instead of dropping it she said "well, she could convert we should not be picky should we?" (needless to say SHE IS NOT MY FRIEND ANY MORE).

Maybe she was just joking..? Since you sais that she's not your friend anymore, I'm assuming that you evaluated the situation and that she wasn't joking.

Still, women are always trying to set up their single girlfriends with someone; especially when the non-single one is in a new/happy relationship or if they're on the verge of getting married. In and of itself, attempts at matchmaking shouldn't be taken as offensive. It's just sort of natural. I don't think that any of my girlfriends think that I'm 'less' when I'm single but of course they will still mention so-and-so single guy to me or mention an 'opportunity' to meet single guys.


So, what would you do? Would you actually go to the wedding or avoid it all together?


Well, I think that you answered the question in re: to Friend #2. If she's really not your friend any more then you wouldn't be going to the wedding, right? If you're just in a tiff with her, I'd say that you should attend the wedding. The comment about converting, if it was a joke, was a little in poor taste but if one of my girlfriends said it to me, I'd just laugh because I'd know that she was just kidding when she said it.

As for Friend #1, she's in wedding-mode, babe. She's in love and wants you to be married and in love and all of that, too. Cut her some slack. :)


I remember closing in on 30. The frequency of 'you better hurry up' type comments increase about then. At the same time, I think, so does our sensitivity to such comments. Even if we don't feel that we 'need a man' to be a whole person, there is a part of our psyche that has been hammered with this mentality by society. Perhaps we get a little...defensive about the comments. Or even just sick of hearing them, even if they're well-intentioned.

Lastly, I might be accused of old-school thinking but...I will throw in that if you do want to have children, and do want to have them with a marriage partner, there is a bit of a biological clock ticking.

Yes, yes, a lot of women have babies well into their 30 and into their 40s just fine these days. (And some have problems with it as they get older.) I guess it's up to us as individuals to decide whether having babies is important to us and if we have a preference for whether or not we want to be chasing them around in our 40s.

Having babies was never that important to me, and at 42, I am very unlikely to intentionally become pregnant because I'm not interested in chasing a toddler around at 45 (or later!).

Thank you Science Goddess,

This has been a wonderful post!!

ayla

throw in "Make sure they're all hotties because I'm not in a hurry and I might want to date more than one!" ;)

...and it's classic lines like that that have me pledging my admiration to you. :D

I think friends who are about to get married behave this way in a misguided attempt to share their happiness. It's as though they believe by being single, or not having children, or whatever, somehow excludes you from leading an equally fulfilling life. The only thing being single does exclude you from is divorce, should an overzealous to-be-bride ever need a not so kind reminder.

Oh, that was naughty out of me. Don't do that last thing, but feel free to think it! :eek: :tongue2: :D