10 years of difference and different points of view

Hi everyone
I'm a new member here so i will explain everything really fast so that i wont be misunderstood here.
I'm from Portugal, and i'm 30 years old. And i met this girl in Hong kong in the beginning of the year, she is only 20 years old. When we started, i honestly thought that our age-gap wasn't that big and it wouldn't be really a big obstacle to our relationship. But ever since the beginning of the month, we quarrel almost every week sometimes for just the smallest of things, at the moment i can't also be in Hong Kong every time, i'm trying to find a job there and i already have some job offers, but our relationships seems to going down. Mostly, because our points of view are a bit different: She thinks she doesnt have to tell me where she is going or when she is going out while it upsets me, because i always tell her where i'm going or with who; she also wants to study abroad and even though i can't really say anything about it, because it's something for her future, for me it's hard because, as someone who is reaching the 30 crisis, i really want to start thinking about having my own family; and lately i think i can't have those with her. Once, the topic of babies came into one of our conversations, and she said it she would never have them, i didn't say anything but obviously i love children and it upset me that she said it. Now i love this girl a lot, and when we started i thought she was the right person for me, but now i can't stop thinking that it's not going to last. Does anyone know what can i do about it? Or does anyone ever experienced something similar? :confused:

GUI, I don't the arguments and different view points you are discussing have much to do with your respective ages. It sounds to me as if you're simply having a personality clash.

Maybe she feels that your desire to know all her movements is a little possessive?

Hun I have a 21 year age gap with my Fiance I am 42 he is 21 and I can honestly tell you we do not hardly fight at all. SO it is NOT your age gap..You two have very different personalities. As the person above me stated...I have to totally agree

You two seem to want different things in terms of relationships and your futures. That isn't really an age-related issue. Some people are more independent than others. Some people value children and family more than others. That seems to be the issue here. I'll be 29 next month and I'm more in line with your girlfriend's thinking than with yours, as are most of my friends who are my age (though we all happen to be in grad school). It sounds like she may place a higher value on developing herself as an individual and pursuing her own goals than she does in having the kind of relationship that you want to have. There's nothing wrong with either of your perspectives or values, they're just different. The only way to work these things out is if both of you value each other more than you value the goals and lifestyle that you'd give up in order to have a relationship. If that's not the case, it doesn't mean you don't both care about each other. People can love each other very much and still not be willing to sacrifice themselves for a relationship.

Your girlfriend reminds me of me at that age. I was very independent, I had just come out from under parental control and I was not going to hand it over to a boyfriend. Also, I was definitely more interested in my studies than in marriage and children. Then in my late 20s I changed, I had studied enough, partied enough, and it was time to start my family.

During this period between early 20s and late 20s I dated, for two years, a guy 14 years older than me, and although we were very compatible in many aspects, I was not ready for him, and he was not willing to wait.

I agree that it sounds more like a personality clash.

I would also mention that the cost of living in Hong Kong is EXTREMELY high (my boyfriend is there). Most young adults must live with their parents - even if they're a married couple - until they're in their 30's just to be able to survive. This is something else you might want to consider. If you have no parents there, you would both end up living with HER parents, and if she's just now leaving the nest it might be that she doesn't want to go BACK.

Just a thought.

If you think 30 is a crisis, wait till you're 50!

It does sound like your problems are personality and possibly cultural in nature. Although, if she's from Hong Kong her attitude about having children is most unusual. People from that part of the world are usually very family oriented and aspire to have children, even at a young age.

Fighting a lot during courtship is a bad sign. An old friend once told me the precedent that is set during dating is the precedent that's maintained during marriage. If you fight when you're dating, you'll fight when you're married. I'd give it a close second thought before getting too serious with this woman.

Fighting a lot during courtship is a bad sign. An old friend once told me the precedent that is set during dating is the precedent that's maintained during marriage. If you fight when you're dating, you'll fight when you're married. I'd give it a close second thought before getting too serious with this woman.

I agree with everyone else who has said this is not an age related issue. There are two very different personalities at work here and no matter how much you may love each other, love does not conquer all. If you fight now, you will continue to fight in your marriage. It sounds like you both have very different goals as well. Although, opposites attract, it is better to have common goals and values. You should both be on the same page when it comes to having children. That can become a major source of contention and ultimately cause a breakdown in the relationship if you can't compromise in any way on this subject.

I would take a closer look at the big picture and see whether or not this woman is truly someone you want to build a life with. At this stage you both seem to have a lot of differences that could mean disaster in a marriage.

To love somebody means you care about them as much as you care about yourself (for you cannot love anybody more than you love yourself).

To be romatically attracted to somebody is something altogether different. I love my children, but I'm not romatically attracted to them. Do you understand the difference?

We generally love somebody for good reason, because we admire them or feel responsible for them. But while loving somebody we generally keep our head about ourselves, and are capable of making good decisions in regards to our relationship with those we love.

Not so with romatic attraction, there is often no rhyme or reason for being attracted to somebody, it just happens, and when it does happen we generally throw all common sense and good judgement out the window. It is not uncommon to be romantically attracted to very emotionally disfunctional people, or as in your situation, to somebody whose life course in on another completely different path. The truth is loving somebody and/or being romantically attracted to them is never a guarantee that having a relationship with them would be healthy, will meet your needs or will fit in with your life's plans. Because when you fell in love with them those were not part of your criteria.

You do not have to stop caring about this young lady, but it would be best for your needs to end the romantic involvement, free yourself up so down the road you can find someone new and next time be a bit more selective and keep your goals in mind.

Tough advice? I know it is. I've been there myself.

the old guy

Age has nothing to do with it. It just sounds that, yes, you may be right, that it's just not going to work out. What is a big sign is the fighting. Yes, every couple fights, but the frequency is something to worry about. When I was with my ex, who was close to my age, we would fight literally at least three times a week. That was bad. And when I talk to people who are divorced what they always remember are the bad fights they had with their ex-wife, and they're always about something seemingly small.