Bummed and Confused

After a few years, you'd think I'd learn. This started around six months ago, unbeknownst to me until last week. There is this 25 year old guy I met through my job and the moment we met, something kinda clicked. He had a girlfriend at the time, I was still dealing with feelings for someone else, so nothing ever came of it. Eventually, he ended up moving in with my ex at a later date. (he's the same age as my stepson who also works at the same place). Anyway, the story is, we got to be friends, then after he broke up with his girlfriend- who is completely wrong for him by the way- we started flirting like crazy and at times, we seemed to be the only two people in the room, no matter if we were alone or in the company of others. I'm surprised nobody else picked up on the intense vibes between us, that's how strong the chemistry is. To make a long story short, last Saturday night he told me flat out that he had wanted to have sex with me when he first met me and that he thought I'd be really cool to spend time with. I was completely stunned when he told me this. Even though I felt the same and kind of saw it coming, I should have been able to talk rationally, but I couldn't. I was truly blown away. The next day, after I had time to process his statement and it became a reality, with images, fantasies and everything that comes with the knowledge that someone you like wants you, I sent him a playful text saying how much I really wanted him too, only in not such polite terms. Then, nothing. No response, nothing. I ended up feeling insecure, that I'd been too crude, and later told him I felt stupid and he smiled and assured me it was no problem. The next night, after feeling like we were back on the same page, I sent him a text asking him if he wanted to be alone. Nothing. By the next day I was livid, that I'd made a complete fool of myself and he hadn't even the courtesy to respond with a yes, no or kiss my ***. He really got my rath when I saw him and it turns out that he hadn't gotten my last text, that another call had come at the same time and he hadn't noticed. I believe him, because I know that the call came and he did leave because of it. Finally, he ended up telling me that he'd changed his mind, due to a moral code and while his feelings about me hadn't changed, he didn't feel completely right about it because of his living situation with my ex. As if I didn't care for him already, this loyalty to my ex (who he sees as a friend) makes me admire him even more. Anyway, the bottom line is I want to know if it's possible he has stronger feelings, or if it was just a random shot in the dark to get laid. If he has feelings, I want to respect him and not put pressure on him and hope that time will change things, especially since my ex has a wife AND girlfriend and seems to be finally over me. I would appreciate any advise, especially from the guys in this age bracket because they may have been in a really similar situation and can therefore relate.

he sounds like he really does want you but he's scared for several reasons...so i would back way off and don't reply to his flirting in emails or text. if he really wants you, and he's really serious and not a chickenpoop, make him talk to you in person about it.

try not to let it hurt you or even unnerve you... don't wait around for him. make him come to you.

That is NOT a good pick up line! It sounds like all he wants is sex and once he has you he will move on. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak. If he really likes you, make him wait for sex. If he really likes you, he will wait. My hubby did :D

create a friendship outside of work, don't jump into anything physical.....that's what i'm trying to do. Legitimate friendship away from work...if he genuinely likes you then he will put the effort in, if it was just to get laid then he probably won't put too much effort in without getting the golden prize

Oh boy, what an embarrassing situation. I would definitely not pursue this because it is obvious that his loyalty is with your ex, do you really want to give your ex a fresh source of gossip from this dude? Because, I tell you, men are huge gossips too.

Oh boy, what an embarrassing situation. I would definitely not pursue this because it is obvious that his loyalty is with your ex, do you really want to give your ex a fresh source of gossip from this dude? Because, I tell you, men are huge gossips too.

I am going with you on this sheila!
I can see your loyality DOES lie with your ex...NOW I do not see it going anywhere with this guy except for SEX and the reason being is because you came off with a YEA i want it..(unless this is all you want) I am thinking maybe you were a bit to forward and he got a tad scared.

Hi,

I can understand why he doesn't feel comfortable with dating you when he is still living with your ex. Sometimes it doesn't matter whether your ex is over you and married or whatever. He is still your ex. Have you ever seen how male dynamics work? I knew a guy who broke up with his gf and although they were separated for 2 years and he had a new gf this other friend from the group still hesitated asking her out!!! We still don't know why. And it comes down to maturity I guess.

On another note, did he ask you out as well on a proper date, or did he just tell you he wanted to sleep with you? If he never asked you out on a date perhaps he felt a strong physical attraction to you, wanted to share it and now he has cooled down he perhaps sees that he doesn't want to go down the dating route. The question is do you? Do you want the sex and the dating or just the sex?

I wouldn't pursue this any further. Let him make the next move if he wants to. You have already told him you like and want him and now the ball is in his court I think. Be patient and see how it goes.

ayla

No matter what the "chemistry"....if some y/m said he wanted to have sex with me as a way of flirting, etc...
My first thought would lead right into my second thought which would be....geeze dude, if you cannot find a more intelligent and seductive/creative way of hitting on me.....you probably wouldn't be all that great in bed either:eek:

The guy sounds like he is just after sex...

It seems all your contact with him it is just the flirting that goes on at work and the text messaging you both do, but what else is he doing to wine and dine you? :rolleyes:

He is playing with your mind and your ego! :eek:

Be careful, he may have already told your ex what is going on and a mind game may be going on between the two of them and so he is playing with your mind, feelings, and your heart...

But, hey, if all you want is sex, regardless of the consequences, then go for it. Just tell him, you want to use him, abuse him and throw him away! :bgrin2: However if your heart is involved, then just let it go, and add it as one more experiences in your life.

Then say, NEXXXT!!! :bgrin2:

Good luck!

I have to think that the whole physical chemistry issue isn't that important to a guy who wants a relationship too. When a man hits on me by saying he wants to have sex, I think he's a sleazebucket. It sounds that he's only talking about sex, and for me that is a deal breaker.

I'd pass on him. He's got too many relationships with people you know, and those could make you uncomfortable. Remember him not texting you? I guess he will do the same type of thing after you do the act, and then you will really be upset. I think he's gaming you and I wouldn't play.

Ali

Echo, echo, echo...

I just wanted to say that I agree with the overall opinions being expressed above.

Take a pass on this one.


My first thought would lead right into my second thought which would be....geeze dude, if you cannot find a more intelligent and seductive/creative way of hitting on me.....you probably wouldn't be all that great in bed either:eek:

This made me laugh, TD. :p

I was thinking that if he couldn't actually ask her out on a date and just told her that he wanted to have sex with her the first time they met, I think it's pretty obvious that he's just after a piece.

For all your replies. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this, mainly because I have to maintain contact because my ex is also my son's father, and I spend time there. This guy, he and I got to know each other at work, but really became friends, or so I thought, in the last few months when I spent time at the ex's. I've come to the conclusion that this is NOT the kind of friend I consider a friend. My friends do not put me in the position he did, then let me make a fool of myself. They do not put thoughts and images in my head, or start something then back out at the last minute because they hadn't thought it through in the first place. I guess I've just got to learn to be around him and not let it infect the rest of my family. Any advice would be more than appreciated on how to manage THAT when I want to really, really rip his head off.:mad:

Ignore the dude... If he makes conversation be short, that is, very few words...

BTW why do you have to be present in the visitations with father and son? Or can't you take your son with you on your visits? Why do you have to be at your ex's house? :eek: Is he your son or stepson?

It does not make sense... :confused:

The humble opinion of an attorney! Me. :bgrin2:

Ignore the dude... If he makes conversation be short, that is, very few words...

BTW why do you have to be present in the visitations with father and son? Or can't you take your son with you on your visits? Why do you have to be at your ex's house? :eek: Is he your son or stepson?

It does not make sense... :confused:

The humble opinion of an attorney! Me. :bgrin2:

Sorry everybody seems to be kinda confused about the dynamics here. I live in a European style hotel, making visits kind of cramped with my son (yes, he's my flesh and blood child), but he DOES visit me there as well. He lives with his father because he wants to, and I understand a 13 year old boy's need to be with men at that age. On that note, I have a friendly relationship with the ex in that we try to do dinner, watch movies, hang out together at his house a couple times a week because we are both comfortable with this and my son enjoys this as well and doesn't have to feel like he lost his family. It's never been a problem, until now. I've decided to take the advise to be short, sweet and to the point in dealings with this guy because of the simple fact that my true friends have my back, and clearly he has someone else's. While I admire his sense of loyalty to his male friends, it's myself that I care about more than his late in the day morality. His morality should have come into play long before he voiced wanting to sleep with his friend's long gone ex.

Thanks for all the terrific advise!

Then maintain your visits just family oriented, you, your kid and sometime your ex. Do NOT include this friend in any of the family activities.

IF this "friend" ask you what is going on, do not give him much of an explanation, just say that YOU have decided YOU do not want to continue the flirting with him, PERIOD!

Tell me more about the living arrangements you have, how is it European?

Many years ago I lived in S. F.

I am from Europe so I am curious on how this hotel works. Thanks for sharing.

"Hooking up" is the only thing on this guy's mind. I'd walk away. If the first thing a guy said to me had to do with wanting to have sex with me, that's insulting. And it's probably only what he's after anyway. Don't waste your time on this guy.

I re-read your original post. Your ex has a wife, and gf, and you still hang out with him and watch movies with him and your son? I think that both you and your ex are going to confuse the heck out of your kid. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I would not watch movies in a married man's home even if he was my ex (unless the wife was present and invited me).

Your son does not have to feel that he lost his family. He rather has to know that divorce changes the nature of the family and that marriage means one man with one woman. If your husband wants to set a horrible example by having a wife and a gf, at least try to stay out of that mess.

I agree with many who have post here. Leave this dude alone in a big way. I'd ignore him entirely. This type will try to approach you again when he thinks your guard is down and will probably do the same "back-out" routinue if, and only if, you give him the opportunity. So don't. Just erase this dude from your mind.

There are tons of great, sweet, wonderful, handsome, intelligent guys out there who will be happy to be part of your life, but you're only going to block them out if you let jerks like this take up any of your precious time. So treat this guy like he's invisible. He'll get the message quickly and get lost. Life is just too short for this kind of nonsense.

I agree with many who have post here. Leave this dude alone in a big way. I'd ignore him entirely. This type will try to approach you again when he thinks your guard is down and will probably do the same "back-out" routinue if, and only if, you give him the opportunity. So don't. Just erase this dude from your mind.

There are tons of great, sweet, wonderful, handsome, intelligent guys out there who will be happy to be part of your life, but you're only going to block them out if you let jerks like this take up any of your precious time. So treat this guy like he's invisible. He'll get the message quickly and get lost. Life is just too short for this kind of nonsense.

A big shout out to you, and a hallejuah and AMEN!

Well, according to the people that live there and the management, it's European style. As I've never been there, I'm gonna have to take their word for it. Anyway, it's a small room that fits my futon, dorm sized fridge, microwave and toaster oven, in addition to my dresser and TV/DVD/Stereo equipment. There is a sink, a small built in closet and that's pretty much it. There are several shared water closets and showers on each floor. As you can see, it's hardly practical to have a 13 year old boy living with me. Until I can get my finances back to where they used to be before my breakup, that's my option, and I'm pretty happy with it actually. I have a warm, comfortable roof over my head with my own possessions for convenience. My sister and best friend also live right on my floor, so it's actually more like a college dorm situation and we are all very happy.

As for the Y/M, I have every intention of cutting off the closeness we shared and simply being polite in my dealings with him. He's already asked (yesterday) if I can help him out with something and I told him no. I've done a lot of thinking about this, and I realize I can no longer be available emotionally to him in the way that I have been, i.e. advice, profound conversation, playfullness, affection, and everything else we shared before he made his statement. End of story. The good news is that I've been asked out by someone new and I'm thinking of accepting. He's a little closer to my age, so we'll see what happens.