communication styles

hi all,

just wanted to see if anyone else is in this situation and how you handle it. my personality is one that i process my thoughts and feelings out loud. if i am working on something, or trying to figure out my feelings, i like to do it verbally with my partner. my partner however, is the opposite. she likes to keep them to herself and come to a conclusion about what she is feeling before sharing them. sometimes we are able to navigate this successfully, but sometimes not. she can feel overwhelmed by my amount of communication, and i can feel left out or take it personally she isnt telling me what is going on right away.

any suggestions for how to better respect each other's differences and work to understand each other?

First question: Is your partner a good listener? This is a very power skill and sometimes people who are good listeners don't do a lot of the talking because they are so used to listening and giving feedback. They are natural empaths -- taking in the feelings of others, processing those feelings, then helping those they are listening to put what they are feeling into perspective. If this is the situation, then you might tell your partner that you want to really listen to her, that you want to step out of your usual role of being the one who expresses your feeling and taking on the role of the one who listens and processes the feelings expressed. If this is the problem and she is open to your taking on the listening role, she might slowly begin to open up about what she is feeling and will appreciate that you not only want to really listen to her but that you want to process her feelings and give her the kind of feedback that shows how closely you were listening to every word she said.

Does this sound like what is going on, or I am not clear about the complexity of what your "communication problem" is with your partner?

these are definitely good suggestions. the crux of it is that i sort of roll around with possible feelings before figuring one out. she can take all of the feelings seriously and feel confused by my processing. with her, it is much more comfortable for her to work things out inside before she shares them....she thinks better this way and it feels safe for her. so i guess i am trying to figure out a way to respect that without taking it personally, and know she will talk to me when she is ready (because she does)....and also figure out ways to make my style more comfortable for her....

YES!! I am just like your partner in that respect and I've often been accused of withholding my feelings in a relationship when really, all I want is to figure out exactly what is on my mind and how I feel about something before sharing my thoughts with anyone. It's really not withholding, it's just that we are internal processers, I promise!

The best thing you can do is give her space, let her work out whatever she's thinking (oftentimes, we're not even sure what we're thinking!!) and then let her discuss it with you when she's ready.

I would suggest something though: talk with her and let her know that, while you don't really understand her way of processing because your way is so different, you do understand that it's important to her so you'll give her her thinking space. But do let her know that it's also important that she meet you half way - once she's figured out what's on her mind, she really should come to you and share what she's discovered.

My fiance does this with me and has found that, if he gives me my space to think thoughts through, I'll come to him and, not only tell him how I feel about a particular subject but I'll often tell him what thoughts my brain went through in order to get there.

An important word of caution: just because she may tell you the different thoughts she had once she's claimed ownership to one of them doesn't mean she wants to discuss the other thoughts! She's already processed them, is satisfied with her conclusion and is done with the rest.

Once you two get into the flow and she begins to feel safer with your trust that she *will* think her thoughts through and your respect for her to need space while doing her thinking, you might be surprised. It took me a while to feel comfortable and not judged with my fiance but, now that we're there, on occasion, I actually come to him and say, "I've got some things on my mind and I was hoping you can help me sort out my thoughts."

Then my suggestion is simply to tell her that you are there to listen whenever she is ready to share her feelings with you -- no pressure. But emphasize that you want to listen, be her empath and help her process her feelings whenever she needs you to do so. After telling her this from the heart, step back and let her come to you. I believe she will. Stop trying to figure out what she is thinking or how she is processing things. Just let her do it.

I'm speaking from experience, because I'm an empath myself, always there to listen to everyone, but when it comes to expressing my own feelings to others I find that I usually wind up returning to my role of the listener, while trying to express my own feelings. My partner knows this, so whenever he sees me slipping into listening mode when I'm supposed to be expressing my feelings, he reminds me that he's the one who is there to listen to me. It's taken time, but now I can just open up and say what I feel because over time, he's helped me adjust my empathic personality, so that I can express my feelings without feeling "out of my element."

You might want to Google personality types, it's very interesting. I am an INFP.

http://www.davenevins.com/personalities/main/findyourtype.htm

One owns what has not been said, but the words that you have uttered will own you.

I think that you should practice figuring out your feelings before you share them with your SO. Specially because those feelings are not always flattering.

Communication is a two sided act. A person has to be a good listener but the one who communicates must make sure that the message is clear, not confusing and understadable.

In my particular case, sometimes when I am pissed with my bf I feel that he should go back to his country. I have learned to control myself and not tell him to leave all the time. (There is a thread about this from a couple months back). What I try to do now is work out the specific item that needs corrected and not shoot out in all directions expressing myself against each and everything wether it is important or not.

Me and Alex are very different creatures when we process our emotions and our biggest issues usually happen when we're angry with each other. So I'll add what we do during those times and hopefully you'll find something of use in it. :)

Alex is very reserved with his emotions and has a very high tolerance for things. He is 21 and has never had an argument with any of the immediate family he grew up with. To this day he has never argued with his grandmother, grandfather, or mother (and he lived with all of them). Personally I think that is almost as unhealthy as growing up with a family that doesn't know how to talk anything out without screaming (which was my home). So neither of us knows how to handle conflict well.

I can be very confrontational, emotional, and have a very small tolerance for BS. I'm in your face and argue with passion when the issue means a lot to me. So, you can imagine how well we blend together when there's an issue between us. :o However, after 3 years together we have compromised for each other because the relationship is very fulfilling even with that.

Someone has to make the initial compromise. It's like extending an olive branch. So if emotions are high I choose to make that initial compromise because I'm usually the aggressive one and once I target in it usually ends with comments I regret later.

I give Alex his space and he knows that in doing that it comes with a condition. He doesn't have the right to process his emotions and then come tell me "Okay, let's talk now." That is his compromise. When he's processed his emotions he will say something like "I've had time to think and when you're ready to talk, I'd like to talk." And when I'm ready I'll say "Okay let's talk."

He gets the control to process his feelings and he gives me back control on when we will talk. You'd be amazed at how that one little change has helped in our relationship.

During that time apart I usually write down my thoughts so when we do talk I don't linger on discussing my emotions (which I love to do). If we're arguing he already knows how I feel so the point is moot. What he needs to know is how he (or whatever the source) contributed. Usually by the time we sit down and talk the writing has taken the edge off my emotions.

We also will talk about the argument at a later date. Not for every argument, but if we felt that the other person did something really well or if we realized that something set the other person off we try to work out a better way to address it and that person can not get mad. I guess you'd say we set the rules of our next argument (which we will have :o).

From my perspective I felt emotionally abandoned when I needed him most and from his he felt forced to deal with things by someone else's rules. Both of our needs and feelings were valid, however, neither of us had the right to get all our needs met while the other got none of their needs met.

I think if you can find a compromise not only will you have a successful relationship but you will find like we did that you will perfectly balance each other because you offset each other's weakness.

Angel - very nice, I like how you've worked this out in your relationship.

Super - I think half (or more) of your battle with this issue is already done; you both realize the other person's communication style. Sometimes partners can go for ages without every understanding that. You may not know how to fix it yet, but at least you know what needs to be fixed. :)

Angel - very nice, I like how you've worked this out in your relationship.


Thanks Tig. :)

It has been a painful growth for me and I admit that sometimes it downright hurts to walk away when he shuts me off. I feel abandoned and unwanted and angry. However, if I can work through that initial hurt I know the end result is always more favorable because he will be open to talk and listen having been given time to process his emotions and not become defensive (which is his reaction when pushed to talk before he's ready).

And our respect for each other during an argument has become naturally reflective outside of those moments.

He trusts me more to seek my advice now. Not a lot more, but a noticeable amount more, and when he comes to me for that advice I remember to listen more and share less. In turn his response to my ideas is no longer a defensive reaction but an invite to see things differently. And there is something extremely fulfilling in finding a way to communicate with someone who often feels like a challenge to the way you think and process emotions.

In our case, as silly as it sounds, I think I got a little less sensitive to his reaction and he got a little more sensitive to mine.

Super, if you can find common ground with each other, you will definitely appreciate the benefit of having the right communication style for whatever issues you may face. I think it's our strongest strength as a couple even with it's challenges. ;)

Hi,

Been through this with my previous partner. I process things out loud and he just kept himself to himself until he reached a conclusion. It hurt sometimes because it seemed like he couldn't be bothered to listen or understand but in the end I realized that the only thing that was wrong was that I could not accept the fact that we had different communication styles.

What helped was doing a lot of research on the internet about communication styles. I even bought some books which I've read from cover to cover. The results were amazing. It is definitely worth your time doing some research!!

all the best

ayla

do you have any book titles you could recommend?

do you have any book titles you could recommend?

Great thread....this isn't a book specifically about communication styles but has some great insight into why we are who we are in a relationship and how to work with it/change patterns etc, which of course includes how we communicate. I found it really helpful. "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships:Healing the Wound of the Heart" by John Welwood

Hi,

Some books I've read



"What's my communication style? Started Kit"


"Understanding myself and others: An Interaction to Communication Styles"

Hope it helps

ayla