This woman is amazing but scared of my age

Hello all here on ageless,
I “C” am a younger man that has a very close friendship with an older lady “B”. I am 25 and she is 48. I have known this lady for about 4 years now and we have been very close for about a year now.
I know that this lady is attracted to me. She melts into my arms. We have spent some very good time together. I have taken her places and done thing that are completely new to her. All the time we spend has always been great and with her never losing that BEAUTIFUL smile. She has not had a man that is like me before. I am very kind, caring and loving, BUT at the same time I am also very playful and challenging always in a loving way. I tease her and just like being my self and enjoying the time I spend with her.
I have never felt a spark and tingle in my heart with another lady/ girl like the one that “B” has. Ever since the first day that I met her I knew that there was something very special about this woman. At first I did not know how to handle the feeling that I had for this lady so I kept them to myself, and did for three years. I knew by the way that she looked at me and for sure knew when I looked into her beautiful eyes that there was some thing more there. To me this feeling I just could not hold back any more and let her know. I know that she has also had the same spark, and have watched her and the way she has changed over the years.
For me I see this lady for who she is and the warm great heart that she has, that has been oppressed for too many years. It is hard for her see that she is a wonderful woman that has so much going for her and yes there is a man out there that really does care about her and wants to be with her no matter what is going on good or bad!
I understand that she has a hard time with the age difference, I also do because I have found a women that is awesome in almost all parts of her life and wish she was younger closer to my age because I WANT TO SPEND SO MUCH MORE TIME WITH HER!! Than I do now. I know that she is not going to get any younger and I am only going to get older. Her heart is young and sweet, her mind is over worked and tired of B.S., and her Body is just amazing. A girl half her age would kill or die for body like hers.
I KNOW that I am young but that does not mean I don't know what I want out of my life and do not feel that she would hold me back from anything I want to do with it. I have worked very hard at bettering my self, making a great path with my dreams and passions at the for front, trying not to let my self hold me back.
I can say this lady has been with just one man for 23 years that she had her kids with and separated for about 3 years now. Her kids are 22 and almost 18, and are having a hard time finding them selves and a path in life. “B” does so much and goes so far out of her way for these boys. She has always been there for her kids, as she should be and I completely understand that and accept this and want her to be. He her X was not so much and is still putting her through so much bad drama, hurt and pain that it is still hard for her to fully love herself and find a peaceful path for her life. This guy really is not worth her time. I know and understand that this man was a big part of her life, but she has not fully stopped talking to him because of the kids. I know that she is tried of all the B.S. from him but at the same time feels bad for him because he has nothing special or great going for him. Nor does she ever want to let this guy close to her again, and I can see that she really does not want anything more to do with him.
I think that she feels that she has not done enough for these boys because they have not found their path in life, fallowed their dreams or passions. The boys are great kids, but are rather needy and not yet self sufficient nor driven to help out their mother. They take more out of her than they give back, and this hurt her deeply.

The thing now is that she is closing up and seems to be drifting away from me; saying that she just wants to be “friends”. I know that she is still having a hard time with the age factor, and she says that is the only thing holding her back. She loves every other thing about me, the way she feels with me and what I have to offer to her. How do I get her to feel comfortable with my age and to not feel that it is wrong that she has a man 20+ years younger that her?
I accept that she has some emotional baggage from her past that she is still dealing with and does not want to hurt me. I think that she feels that she can not be there for me the way that I want to be at this time; I understand this because I know that she says that she want to embrace me the way that I do her. But she has more times than she realizes. .
It’s hard for me because I know she wants to spend time with me but she will not let herself full open up and let me be there for her. I understand that she wants to be independent and be responsible for her own feelings and emotions. I understand she is trying very hard to focus to move on with her life, passions and dreams. And keep that bright, sunny and warm place she deservers for her well being and sweet soul. I am so very proud of her and what she has done for her self through her life so far and the direction she is moving. I accept that she has done some thing that she really regrets and are very hard for her to get over and move on with. Maybe some of these she will never be able to get over but will find a way to keep them suppressed and not affect her so much as the way they do now.
She has told me that her feeling for me will never change. She is sacred that she might hurt me because of the drama in her life at this point. She has said that the past is a reflection of the future. But I just don’t see that happening with her. I know that she wants to have a peaceful and quit place that she feels safe and calm. With a great man holding her close, caring about and for her, enjoying the great future that she has to come.
I guess time and space is how to move on with what we share.

S Cody

From the length and detail of your post, anyone can see that you are sincere. Your dilema is somewhat common to many embarking on an age gap relationship. That is one reason why this Site was created. When I started falling for a young man, I was unaware that other people were having the same questions and apprehensions as I was. I started researching the internet on the subject. I stumbled upon this site. So my suggestion is to lead her to this site. Reading about how others handle problems and how it can work out may really help her.
Also, I have older children, in fact my son and my husband are the same age. I also have an 18 year old. They still need their Mom to help them in many ways. My YM husband is SO wonderful about the situation. He is just wonderful in every way actually. We are 27 years apart and have been together since he was 18 and weve been married for 2 and a half years, ( over 5 years altogether). So encourage her to visit this site. It helped me and still does.

YES! Have her visit this site !!!!

We were all once a bunch of worried-about-the-age-gap older women who eventually found a sense of peace about it all, and many are in committed, long term relationships with age gaps as big (or bigger) than yours!

At 25 you are a certainly full fledged adult who can make solid decisions about life and love. She should not worry that she will "impose" any negatives on you by being in your life...you are a man and can handle it if you love each other. Your OW's situation sounds similar to mine (two older sons..mine: 21 & 17), drama from the exhb who has been venomous at times with his slander, etc.

BUT...I met Jake when he was 25 and I was 47:yes: We are now 29 and 51, and married for a year:bgrin2: You sound like a loving,mature, articulate, sincere, dedicated ym, and that's what you need to be to make your half of the relationship work. Send your OW here so that we can encourage her in her half...

The only glitch would be if you ever want biological children one day...or if she is still married...
Otherwise, with her fears dispelled, this could be a good thing for you both.

Best,
Karen

Karen pretty much hit the nail on the head.

If she's like most OW with men your age, she's probably considering that you will want your own children someday, that you will come to that realization after a few years and you will leave her for a woman who can bear children, after she has invested so much in a relationship you.

It's a scary position to put one's self in and most women would think, "I should find a man closer to my own age who already has done the kid thing."

So, I would find out if that is the case and then decide, with all honesty, if that is truly something she should be concerned about.

What a sweet, sincere guy you are. The fact is though she must overcome many hurdles not only in society's judgments but also in her own mind. I agree, have her visit the site and go from there.

I've been exactly where your OW is and your relationship sounds very much like mine. Even the way you talk about her smile and how special she is sounds like my YM. I wish I could tell you what to do to make this work, but the reality is that SHE needs to make this decision at her own pace. I remember waking up one morning after a restless nights sleep spent worrying about my friendship with my YM and it hit me...I didn't need to fight it. I could let go of my insecurities and go with the flow. Its been 3 years since that revelation and I don't regret my decision even for a moment.

Keep reminding her how lovely she is and how much you adore her. Continue to open new doors to new experiences together and hopefully one day she will have the same epiphany that I had...it might just be real, it might just work and she doesn't have to fight it.

WOOOOOH, Cody, you might want to wait a few more years to make that kind of a final decision, "getting fixed".

Vascectomies are generally reversible.

I never wanted kids, not when I was 20 and not when I was 34 and had my hysterectomy. Just like in all areas of life, there is no one path that is right for everyone.....:)

Wow!

Sounds like a great woman. :yes: Sounds like you are in love too!



But a few things:

First, I would definitely back off a bit and give her some space. Sounds like you are pushing real hard. I know because I have done it many times myself. Have you been telling her all these feelings you have for her? Perhaps you are scaring her a little? Scaring her in that perhaps she is not secure in your possible future together as of now. Just give her some time and space.

Second, the fact that she has not been with another man in 23 years. This is great and means that she is not "easy" and being with you (in a relationship) would be a big step. You say she has been "seperated". Is she not divorced? If not, I would get out of this situation immediately!

Third, she is still having to deal with her ex-husband. This can cause her a lot of anxiety about you and your relationship with her. She is still dealing with him because of her children.

Fourth, she also is probably wondering about your relationship with her children and what they may think of her being with a YM. You are only 2 years older than her oldest son. I think that is fine, but how does she feel about it and how do her children feel?

Fifth, she needs time. Just be patient and stop wanting so much so fast. Try to be patient and just go step by step. Time is on your side.


Keep us posted. And vent here anytime you feel the need. :yes:

Yes “B” is an amazing lady, mother and Friend; I love her with all my heart.

You are so right about everything that you have said. .
I very much realize that I have pushed a little too much with taking the next step. I understand that it is a very big step and we are not ready for that yet. . I know that I need to give her time and space with no pressure of a relationship and just be a great friend to her letting her come to me if she wants to take what we share any further than it is now.
“B” will never get back with the X and yes still talks to him because of the kids and she really wants nothing more to do with him than that. He can not even be there for his Boys, nor lead them in the right direction to be great men that they will one day be.
I have talked with her youngest son; he accepts me and the friendship of his mother and I. He wants his mother to be happy with a great man no matter the age. He has seen the smiles and happiness that I bring to her life. He asked me about having two sons and I told him that I am not his father nor am I trying to replace him, But I will be his mentor, friend and would be there for him anytime. I have not talked to the oldest one yet but I know that he likes me and wants to also see his mother happy with a great man. This is the one that is really having a hard time finding his path and direction, but is a good kid.
I have expressed my feeling for her since the first time I asked her about how she felt about me. Her feelings for me have never changed nor do I think they ever will. I know that she wants to do right for her self, her boys, and life.
On the night of her 47th B-day I went out with her and a few of her friend for drinks, at that time I was too shy about our feeling to kiss her on her lips in front of her friends when see asked me to, and did not take a kiss from her until last summer. It was seven months before I took a kiss, and it was for sure the best Kiss ever. I can still feel it on my lips now as I write this. It was a big step for the both of us moving our friendship closer. We shared an awesome fall together. “B” and I spent many great times hanging out here in the bay area, and in Vegas enjoying our time. We would talk every day about anything and everything, flirting and falling deeper into each others minds. She stayed with me a few nights in Vegas but nothing more than kissing and cuddling happened and I would not “take her” holding back and just being her really close friend. It was when I got back from a month trip for work, I stayed with her at her place and we had an amazing time together, we got even closer than we ever had before. To us it felt like it was the right time for this and we took that step. This was an even bigger step than just kissing. About a month after we made this step is when she got freaked out, I asked her to be my GF, I told her that I wanted to spend more time with her and not just be “friends”. We would still talk every day, go out and play, but she would not let me stay at her place.
She has told me many times that at this point in time she does not want to have the strong emotional feelings that go along with a relationship because of all the other situations she has going on in her life that she can not control and dose not want to hurt or lose me as a friend. I respect and honor her for that. I think that is why she has stop talking to me as of late, because she does not want to lose our friendship and the feeling that we have for each other. We know that our connection is very strong and cherished. And all we can ever be is just friend for now.

S. Cody