He fired her

Do you remember my husband's accountant who happens to be his ex gf? She made unpleasant comments about me and I got so upset so I asked my hubby to get rid of her years ago. Finally, the business is done and he told her in Mid April that her last date would be today May 31st. She got upset and told him she felt used. This is the email I sent her and my husband recieved a very nasty email from her husband in return, he actually sounds like a psycho on his email but I'm not going to reply to the nasty email I just want it to be done. How would you feel if you were a recipient of this email? Do you think I was extremely rude on my eamil? Just want to hear your opinions.

I heard you felt used. I wonder why you felt that way, you should have realized a long time ago that T kept you for book keeping and pay you for that not for interfering with his private affairs. It is your own fault that you accepted his invitation to insult me and make unpleasant comments about me. Perhaps you did those things because you did not know how much he loves me and that he'll never leave me no matter what. Right now you are a loser because T will only consider himself one if I ever leave him. I hope you get smarter and wiser as you age and realise that T has found the one and only woman he's is not willing to lose. You can't convince him to choose anything over me. That's for sure. Nothing will ever make me feel insecured or threatened in my marriage because I have seen T's unconditional love for me, he treats me like a queen and loves to spoil me.
The only two reasons I want him to stop contacting you is because 1. he does not know what's appropriate and what's not appropriate to tell you about our marriage. 2. He's got too much influence on you to the point that you don't use your senses anymore. You just did whatever he told you.
My point is that T did not use you, he paid you for the work you did for him. Wake up your senses now, get smarter, stop the J B syndrome, leave your past lovers relationships/marriage alone and enjoy your own marriage.

I'm sorry for you.
:yes:

This woman has history of interfering with her ex bf marriage, I know that from reading her letters to my hubby( sorry for being snoopy)
JB is a woman who kept writting love letters to my husband even though she is married herself. They dated for a few months years ago

perfectly honest...you sounded very catty and should not have sent the email

perfectly honest...you sounded very catty and should not have sent the email

Thanks for being honest. But I feel so good after sending this email.

Do you think I was extremely rude on my eamil? Just want to hear your opinions.

I personally wouldn't have made any direct contact, nor reply to any contact this woman initiated - simply because it extends and inflames the situation.

Usually situations like this die down rather quickly once her last day passes, and if not, legal remedy is often the best mostly for isolation reasons (i.e. let the lawyer do the biting, and you and your husband stay far away).

perfectly honest...you sounded very catty and should not have sent the email

Quoted for absolute truth...

Hi,

I'm sorry but I don't seem to understand why your husband would actually reveal your private life to her! And not just to her, to anybody for that matter. I would be livid at my husband for not keeping his distance. Some women have absolutely no limits whatsoever but I believe that if the man does not offer any personal info, then they have nothing to use to harm a relationship do they? If the email made you feel better well...you at least vented. But I am worried that now she might REALLY start bugging you just to prove a point.

ayla

Hi,

I'm sorry but I don't seem to understand why your husband would actually reveal your private life to her! And not just to her, to anybody for that matter. I would be livid at my husband for not keeping his distance. Some women have absolutely no limits whatsoever but I believe that if the man does not offer any personal info, then they have nothing to use to harm a relationship do they? If the email made you feel better well...you at least vented. But I am worried that now she might REALLY start bugging you just to prove a point.

ayla
He's at BIG fault, he admits that to everybody. He told me that he had stopped talking about our marriage with her but I'm still not comfortable with her working for us anymore so he fired her on 6 weeks notice. She is upset and I don't know why. She owns her own business and being a book keeper I would think she could get as many clients as she wants.
Anyway, I feel really good about my email and my husband thinks it not that bad. I'm a very sensitive person and I know I shouldn't have sent the email but I did anyway just to let her know how I feel and what I have gone thru because of her and my husband's big mouth for 6 years. She knows all along that I don't appreciate of things she said about me. If I were her I would have quitted on my own terms a long time ago.
I'm sure the problem will stop or we'll block her #s and email.
Thanks to everyone from the most truthful opinion.

As an older woman I can understand why you sent that email-I used to do things like that as well. But in all honesty it was very immature and just reflects that you do/did still see her as a threat.

Like others have said, the fact that your husband shared anything personal with her is a big red flag and is probably why you sent the email in the first place-it's like marking your territory. The fact that you had to become that involved at all is a bad reflection on your husband.

Part of your email to her that struck me is :
1. he does not know what's appropriate and what's not appropriate to tell you about our marriage.

That is complete b.s. A grown man knows that it is not appropriate to talk about his personal relationship with 1) another woman 2) an ex girlfriend and 3) an employee. I think you are giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt here. I know when I was younger I used to do stuff like this because I always felt the need to have a "backup" on the side. I am not saying that your husband is or was doing that, but to me it just sounds very suspicious.

I am not sure of all of the details of his relationship with her (ie was she working there before they started dating or after) but either way, he should have fired her the moment their relationship ended, especially if he was involved with you-that is just utterly disrespectful on his part.

Anyway, like I said I am not sure of all the details of the relationship, but thats my 2 cents.

What is done is done, but I would not have sent her an e-mail. You won, he fired her. Period. Now her husband got involved... ugh. If I were you, I would make sure to cut all contacts with her and her hubby.

As an older woman I can understand why you sent that email-I used to do things like that as well. But in all honesty it was very immature and just reflects that you do/did still see her as a threat.

Like others have said, the fact that your husband shared anything personal with her is a big red flag and is probably why you sent the email in the first place-it's like marking your territory. The fact that you had to become that involved at all is a bad reflection on your husband.

Part of your email to her that struck me is :
1. he does not know what's appropriate and what's not appropriate to tell you about our marriage.

That is complete b.s. A grown man knows that it is not appropriate to talk about his personal relationship with 1) another woman 2) an ex girlfriend and 3) an employee. I think you are giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt here. I know when I was younger I used to do stuff like this because I always felt the need to have a "backup" on the side. I am not saying that your husband is or was doing that, but to me it just sounds very suspicious.

I am not sure of all of the details of his relationship with her (ie was she working there before they started dating or after) but either way, he should have fired her the moment their relationship ended, especially if he was involved with you-that is just utterly disrespectful on his part.

Anyway, like I said I am not sure of all the details of the relationship, but thats my 2 cents.
OOPS I lost what I just wrote, we'll get back later. I got to go to a bonfire party right now. Thanks for your reply.

By sending her the email, you compromised your dignity. If you're happy with that AND the ultimate outcome, ok>>>>

I'm not to sure why you sent the email...you feel good now so that's all good but I don't think it was a good idea.

Okay I am going against what the others said. I personally think SHE needs to know WHERE you both stand as a couple and since he had no you know whats to actually do it..I would have done the same thing ..HOWEVER not so catty. I do hope he drops contact with her or you will be made out to be a donkeys tushy girl

Well here is another perspective:

I hope she doesn't sue your husband. Firing someone because their wife doesn't like you doesn't exactly sound like cause to me. You basically sent an e-mail that says he did that so that sounds like proof of no cause to me. NOT SMART and it wouldn't feel good either if your spouse is sued along with his company.

Well here is another perspective:

I hope she doesn't sue your husband. Firing someone because their wife doesn't like you doesn't exactly sound like cause to me. You basically sent an e-mail that says he did that so that sounds like proof of no cause to me. NOT SMART and it wouldn't feel good either if your spouse is sued along with his company.

Her contract ended. I talked to my husband and he agreed that it was not just a business contact they had it was also called an 'emotional affair'. I told him that years ago but he just admited this morning. I'm glad its over and I'm glad I sent that email, because it that aroused her husband anger and he sent my husband a very nasty email, he definitely sounds like a psycho with no brain. His email turns my husband off and he says he has no desire to contact her and she feels the same about him.
My main reason of sending the email is to make everyone mad at each other and I definitely got the answer I want. So now its over, if anything changes I'll update you all because it is here that I get the most honest answer.
I'm just glad its over but my husband does not seem to understand that we need privacy the marriage. He feels that he can tell his sister everything we talk/have in the marraige except for sex, so we are seeking counselling for that.

this sounds so junior high....

and to be perfectly honest(again) your husband doesn't seem to be much better in the "grown up" department..

Okay I am going against what the others said. I personally think SHE needs to know WHERE you both stand as a couple and since he had no you know whats to actually do it..I would have done the same thing ..HOWEVER not so catty. I do hope he drops contact with her or you will be made out to be a donkeys tushy girl.

I'm sure he'll stop the contact. This morning he told me if it wasn't for the agreement/contract they had he would have gotten rid of her much sooner. We are both very stubborn but we do like to please each other. I'm sure he will not contact her because he knows that will change his life forever and he's not willing to lose me even if she agrees to leave her husband for him. This morning he told me he wonders why he shared our private affairs with her and he came up with an answer that he needed 'approval' and someone to tell him he was right and I was wrong.
There were times in 6 years that I felt like giving up but I just couldn't. I'm glad I didn't, I beat him up about it almost every week but at the same time I was patience, bitter, angry and felt like she was more important to him than me. Even though he showed his love for me everyday it still hurt that he shared my private affairs with her. Thank God its over:fooddance7:

I'm thankful to read that you and him are going to counseling. Having a mediator between you both is the best place to start mending that hurt.

Regarding the email. DH, when you send something like that to another woman, you aren't trying to convince her that he loves you so much that he'll never leave, you're trying to convince yourself. The anger you vented in email to her is misdirected anger you feel at him for betraying your trust. She didn't force, coerce, or deceive him; he is not a victim. His actions were deliberate and it hurts whenever I see another woman go through this pain, because I relate.

Thankfully he left her go, but, please know that unless he has an epiphany about things you may find yourself in the same situation again. And as painful as this may sound I must say it. Every woman would like to think our love/looks are so amazing that our man could not live without us, and we really do convince ourselves of this. Until our man engages in a relationship with someone else. Then we desperately try to cling back on to the hope we really are 'that woman'. Truth is, none of us are 'that woman' (or man ;)) and we are all replacable.

I only wanted to say that to you because I saw you spent a lot of energy telling this woman how amazing your love was and I thought, you don't have to be amazing to be worthy of his respect. You could be horrible and angry with each other and you would still be deserving of the same exact amount.

DH, he will need to want to change because he wants to be a better man and sees this as a flaw in himself. Anything less than that will likely result in failure and reverting to old comfortable behaviors.

While your actions were less than stellar, I understand why you lashed out and hope that you will one day reflect back on things and chose a more healthy path for yourself. At this point my only concern, which Ellethe posted, is that you could have potentially set your husband up for a lawsuit that would lay even more stress on an already delicate marriage.

Be kind and forgiving to yourself.

I understand your need to vent, and I'm glad you were able to get your feelings off your chest, but perhaps the venting should have been towards your husband, not her. Your husband should have been the one to put a stop to any inappropriate behavior between him and her, other than things she might have done to you directly and personally. Unless you are her supervisor, in which case addressing inappropriate acts done on the job is well within your responsibility.

I'm glad she's not an employee - I think the business could have possibly been sued for sexual harassment after that email. I don't know what's the case with contract labor...

My main reason of sending the email is to make everyone mad at each other and I definitely got the answer I want.
Why do you think that making everyone mad at each other is a good thing? Conflict is never good. After a difficult situation (where you were victorious) the best thing you can hope for is a resolution, and for everyone to forget and be at peace. That involves allowing the defeated opponent to keep face.

Making enemies is never positive. The world is smaller than you think and we are all interconnected. You do not have a crystall ball to foresee if you will ever run again into these people and under what circumstances.

Her contract ended. I talked to my husband and he agreed that it was not just a business contact they had it was also called an 'emotional affair'. I told him that years ago but he just admited this morning. I'm glad its over and I'm glad I sent that email, because it that aroused her husband anger and he sent my husband a very nasty email, he definitely sounds like a psycho with no brain. His email turns my husband off and he says he has no desire to contact her and she feels the same about him.
My main reason of sending the email is to make everyone mad at each other and I definitely got the answer I want. So now its over, if anything changes I'll update you all because it is here that I get the most honest answer.
I'm just glad its over but my husband does not seem to understand that we need privacy the marriage. He feels that he can tell his sister everything we talk/have in the marraige except for sex, so we are seeking counselling for that.


DH I understand your frustration with the situation and understand why you felt the need to contact the woman. Personally, I would hope that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't have sent the email, but I understand. Sometimes we need to do something no matter how misguided it is to feel better and if it does, then that's ok (I say this with kindness). I'm happy you are seeking counseling as you could deal with some of the residual 'insecurity' you feel in your marriage that came out in your email to the woman. Emails of this kind usually reflect badly on the person who sent it, but what's done is done.

Hope everything else is going well.

Take care!

Hi,

This is exactly what has happened to my friend. Her husband told his mother everything regarding their relationship. And that is bad news. Because when people are angry they vent and as a result others get a different perspective as to what is really going on. I would be VERY CAREFUL as to what is being shared and to whom. You wouldn't want any outside influence now would you? Talk to your husband honestly about it and how it buggs you and lets hope he realizes what he is doing

ayla

I hope she doesn't sue your husband. Firing someone because their wife doesn't like you doesn't exactly sound like cause to me. You basically sent an e-mail that says he did that so that sounds like proof of no cause to me. NOT SMART and it wouldn't feel good either if your spouse is sued along with his company.

It depends on what state you live in. In Virginia where I live, as in many states, a company can terminate an employee for any reason or no reason at all. It's called "Work at Will". If she lives in a state like this, a law suit may be hard.

DH,

Your hubby carried through with his promise to terminate the lady's employ just like he said he would, for that I'm sure you are thankful, and proud of him too.

the rest of the stuff is just water under the bridge.

I'm happy for you sweetheart, George

I'm with Angel...

You've only shown that your husband should watch himself before he gets you in front of a divorce lawyer because your actions have shown that you will glue his "Clyde" to the wall if he doesn't perform to your specifications.

I guess now you're on a the war path to his sister. Man, you must be making great friends in that family and showing them how much of a schmuck he is for marrying a younger woman who leads him by his "Clyde". People have to talk to someone, its usually someone who knows them well, yes a family member knows them better than you or a counselor.

And you have the nerve to call her husband a pyscho, what they must be thinking of both of you. Yes, if he's older he should know better, but at the same time, he needs to learn how to rein you in and stop acting like a child, but I guess the poor man is so grateful to have a young wife, his brain is not where it should be, its gone south.

If its not, this is how you're protraying him. A man who cannot take care of his business without his snotty wife taking a hold of him.:confused:

Paris

I'm with Angel...

You've only shown that your husband should watch himself before he gets you in front of a divorce lawyer because your actions have shown that you will glue his "Clyde" to the wall if he doesn't perform to your specifications.

I guess now you're on a the war path to his sister. Man, you must be making great friends in that family and showing them how much of a schmuck he is for marrying a younger woman who leads him by his "Clyde". People have to talk to someone, its usually someone who knows them well, yes a family member knows them better than you or a counselor.

And you have the nerve to call her husband a pyscho, what they must be thinking of both of you. Yes, if he's older he should know better, but at the same time, he needs to learn how to rein you in and stop acting like a child, but I guess the poor man is so grateful to have a young wife, his brain is not where it should be, its gone south.

If its not, this is how you're protraying him. A man who cannot take care of his business without his snotty wife taking a hold of him.:confused:

Paris

Well, thanks Paris,
But smart people don't share everything what's going on in their marraige with family members. I have a good relationship with his sister and she once told me that she also does not tell her mother or brother everything about her marriage.
People here can be as honest as possible with their opinion and at the same time they show their support. However I don't feel that from you so please don't respond to any of my post going forward. My husband is not grateful because I'm younger he just happens to love me for the person I am and I'm grateful for that.
You do not need to reply to this post. As far as my posts go please keep your humble opinion to yourself.

It depends on what state you live in. In Virginia where I live, as in many states, a company can terminate an employee for any reason or no reason at all. It's called "Work at Will". If she lives in a state like this, a law suit may be hard.

One can also be clever about the manner in which the employee is terminated. For example, the employee can be downsized and given a small severence (months pay for example), thus showing "good faith" and that by itself helps thwart any potential lawsuits.

Of course the manager terminated the employee should never say "My wife hates you, you're fired". Even in "at will" states this opens up a huge can of worms.

Remember, juries love to award other people's money.

Based on post #17 above, I believe the lady in question was a contract employee, an independent contractor. There's nothing controversial about not renewing her contract. This also explains why DH's hubby had to wait to terminate her.

the old guy

I do not believe that a person should discuss their marital problems with their relatives unless it is an obvious issue that demands an explanation. (For example an unexpected outburst or some such thing).

Its all done folks.Thank you all very much for your concerns, suggestions and support. This is the place I always come to when I feel down. You are all so awesome.
Things are very smooth now, she was on contract basis so we did not even have to give her any reason for not renewing her contract. We now have two agencies doing our accountings and taxes.
I thank my husband everyday for his strength to change accounting agents. It was a complicates things but it was a long and well thought plan so everything is going smooth now.
My loving husband still thinks its a good idea to tell his sister everything, he thinks that if he stops it will change his relationship with her. I told him it will not change it will just make my relationship with her better everyday. His sister is a nice girl and very understanding. She and I have a good relationship but still I wouldn't want her to know every bit of my marriage. I hope my hubby will understand that.
Thanks again.

Its all done folks.

Actually, no it's not. You say so yourself, here:


My loving husband still thinks its a good idea to tell his sister everything, he thinks that if he stops it will change his relationship with her. I told him it will not change it will just make my relationship with her better everyday. His sister is a nice girl and very understanding. She and I have a good relationship but still I wouldn't want her to know every bit of my marriage. I hope my hubby will understand that.
Thanks again.

You chose a man who has different standards than you do about how much of your relationship is appropriate to share with others, and then you want to tell him what he can talk about and to whom. That makes absolutely no sense.

If a man shares more about "us" with others than I'm comfortable with, I talk with him about it. No man's sister/mother/daughter/cousin/aunt/friend needs to know that he likes his --- ___ed and for how long, and he should not feel compelled to tell them. Chances are good that his ex gf/ex wife already know these things about him, and he should not need to re-hash that aspect of their relationship with them.

On the other hand, I shouldn't have a problem with him telling his brother in law that we went to Red Lobster last night, I ordered a Lynchburg lemonade and said it wasn't very good, and he was surprised because he didn't know I drank whiskey.

If the intimate details he's sharing are something like asking questions in this forum or talking IRL to someone who's gone through the same thing, like "after she had the baby/hysterectomy, my wife didn't ___ like before--is something wrong?" or "after I've taken the Viagra, how long should it be before it starts to work/wears off?" that's different.

If he was genuinely trying to seek help to improve our relationship, maybe my boundaries need to be adjusted. Maybe he (or the person he was talking to) needed to handle it better. Maybe it's all of the above.

If all he does is make excuses for himself and then turns around and does it again, I end the relationship.

This is not an aspect of my age; this is an aspect of my character--I've been this way forever.

As for the rest of it, that's not done either. Grownups who are emotionally healthy and secure in their relationships don't do things just to make everybody mad, they don't mess around with someone else's livelihood, and they definitely don't get anybody fired just because they can.

They also don't call people psychos and change their story as it goes along. First you said he fired his bookkeeper/ex gf. Then you said he didn't fire her, he told her that he wouldn't renew her contract. There's a difference. Either way, you bragged that he did it at your insistence, and you came across like you were irked that he gave her six weeks' notice.

If the ex gf/bookkeeper did a good job, she deserves a good letter of reference from your husband on company letterhead. She also deserves a written apology from you both, and no further contact from either of you from that point forward.

Actually, no it's not. You say so yourself, here:



You chose a man who has different standards than you do about how much of your relationship is appropriate to share with others, and then you want to tell him what he can talk about and to whom. That makes absolutely no sense.

If a man shares more about "us" with others than I'm comfortable with, I talk with him about it. No man's sister/mother/daughter/cousin/aunt/friend needs to know that he likes his --- ___ed and for how long, and he should not feel compelled to tell them. Chances are good that his ex gf/ex wife already know these things about him, and he should not need to re-hash that aspect of their relationship with them.

On the other hand, I shouldn't have a problem with him telling his brother in law that we went to Red Lobster last night, I ordered a Lynchburg lemonade and said it wasn't very good, and he was surprised because he didn't know I drank whiskey.

If the intimate details he's sharing are something like asking questions in this forum or talking IRL to someone who's gone through the same thing, like "after she had the baby/hysterectomy, my wife didn't ___ like before--is something wrong?" or "after I've taken the Viagra, how long should it be before it starts to work/wears off?" that's different.

If he was genuinely trying to seek help to improve our relationship, maybe my boundaries need to be adjusted. Maybe he (or the person he was talking to) needed to handle it better. Maybe it's all of the above.

If all he does is make excuses for himself and then turns around and does it again, I end the relationship.

This is not an aspect of my age; this is an aspect of my character--I've been this way forever.

As for the rest of it, that's not done either. Grownups who are emotionally healthy and secure in their relationships don't do things just to make everybody mad, they don't mess around with someone else's livelihood, and they definitely don't get anybody fired just because they can.

They also don't call people psychos and change their story as it goes along. First you said he fired his bookkeeper/ex gf. Then you said he didn't fire her, he told her that he wouldn't renew her contract. There's a difference. Either way, you bragged that he did it at your insistence, and you came across like you were irked that he gave her six weeks' notice.

If the ex gf/bookkeeper did a good job, she deserves a good letter of reference from your husband on company letterhead. She also deserves a written apology from you both, and no further contact from either of you from that point forward.

Did you read the entire thread? She did say that they are seeking counseling!:aaaaaaack:

Did you read the entire thread? She did say that they are seeking counseling!:aaaaaaack:

Actually, yeah, I did.

Even if I agree that:
-the husband shouldn't have kept the bookkeeper after they broke up,
-the husband shouldn't have shared intimate details of their marriage with the bookkeeper/ex gf, and
-the bookkeeper's husband should have stayed out of it,
I haven't seen one instance in this thread where GH says her behavior may be a problem. Her husband has the problem. The bookkeeper has the problem. The bookkeeper's husband has the problem.

Therapy/counseling doesn't work when one person is thoroughly convinced that everybody else has the problem.

I'm not going to say "it won't do them any good," because that would be unkind and untrue. I'm also not willing to jump on the "going to therapy will fix everything" bandwagon.