Ladies...some wisdom

Ladies I need some help.

A while back I posed about a guy I had met that I was super happy about. This may be long…sorry.

When I met him the last thing that was on my mind was dating. I wasn’t looking for anybody or anything at all. We met by fluke when I got flown up to a different job site. I met him on my break and hit it off right away. I felt an instant connection with him that had an intensity to it I have never felt before. It was like a male version of myself. It scared the holy sh#@ out of me. He is the most handsome, funny, well spoken, sexy, and all around everything I have wanted guy. Even the way he was looking at me was scaring me. I was too fragile to let him in. We had so much in common it was ridiculous.

I was just coming out of the worst time of my life. The death of the closet living thing to me that I loved most, sick parents, cars breaking down and on and on and on…insomnia..depression. It was just the worst time my life had seen. After we talked a while I was just like….why right now!!!!! I had gained weight and looked just as exhausted and unhealthy as I felt. I was seriously insecure and weak. I really didn’t want anybody new coming into my life.

Meeting him spooked me big time. When your at your worst somebody whom I was as connected with as this man can seems way beyond scary. We talked more and it just built in intensity. I was having a hard time being around friends and family let alone who I knew this man is to me.

The day before I was leaving I was sitting outside in the break area where we always met up. He came running over when he saw me. I was talking to my guy friend and didn’t even acknowledge him or turn around to look at him. My guy friend was facing him and I kept my back to him. After a few minutes. my friend gave him the DIRTIEST look and he just stormed off! Why my friend did that I don’t know. Never happened before…soooooo perfect timing.

I went outside alone a little later, but he never came over and I couldn’t figure out why. So I felt pretty burned. I left without saying anything to him.

I flew out later that day and hadn’t seen or talked to him for a month. I had reeeaaallly started to pull myself together and am feeling a lot better. I had lost a lot of weight and was beginning to mentally and emotionally really come back together. I was just toooo excited at the thought of seeing him again.

I was sitting in the same area and he didn’t come over…he just left. We were on opposite shifts. The next day at the same time he was sitting in that area with his friends sooo I walked over and tried to talk to him. OK…he wasn’t having it at allllllll. He answered with one word and then just turned away and started talking to his friend. I kept trying but same thing. Even the way he looked at me had changed…the way he talked…everything. I could tell by his eyes he wanted nothing to do with me. He even gave me a semi dirty look. He said bye to his friend and just walked off…

People….if you were him and I ignored you like I did to him that day plus my friend giving him such a bad glare would you be THAT mad and put off by me? That seemed seriously extreme to me unless he either had A LOT of emotion and feeling for me. When he did that to me when I tried to talk to him I felt hurt…disappointed…and embarrassed.

I flew home again and didn’t see him again.

Was this my fault? What would cause such a strong reaction from him?

My girlfriend works with him a lot and she said he is a super nice guy who talks about his family most of the time.

He moved and I have no contact information for him. I don’t know if I will ever be back up to that area, or If and when I will see him.

He blew me off BIG TIME I realise that.

My friend will be working with him for two days in a week. Either I go through her or I leave it up to fate to dictate what happens here. I hate the thought of going through a friend something serious. I would wayyyyyy rather do something like this by myself which makes me want to wait, but it is a small chance that i will be back this year.

She was there when we first met. I asked her if I was crazy or if it was as instant as a connection as I felt and she agreed completely with me.

Do I act or walk away from this.

I feel like if he liked me at all he wouldn’t have been so extreme in his actions with me…or was there a justification I am missing. Are these the signs of a guy who likes me more than I realise….or one that doesn’t like me at all?

How do I even go about bridging this gap here?

I am not a serial dater and have spent most of my life single.

Ladies…what am I missing here? I know how I feel about him and how I feel when I am around him. I still want some time alone though to pick up some pieces of myself.

Did my bad behavior cause this? At the time I didn’t mean it that way…..I got nervous because how intense my feelings were at such a bad time. Why NOW?

Then….after that I confided in my guy friend who gave him a dirty look and my friend told me that he was too good for me especially due to my weight gain! K….that hit me where it hurt while I am in this rebuilding phase. It confused me even more about whether or not this man that I felt so strongly about could possibly feel the same way while I looked and felt sooooooo worn out.

What the hell was my friend thinking by doing that and saying that?

When we met I felt something I have never felt before…but it was such a low self esteem time for me that I doubted he could have felt the same way about me.

I saw the way he looked at me until this happened….and I saw the way he looked at me after his happened.

Could a guy really be that sensitive?

How can I fix this and at the same time finish what I need to do on my own?

Some people are more sensitive than others. Specially the way things happened. You should tell him that you want to talk to him. Then you need to tell him that you were going through a tough period of your life and that you were acting erratically. Apologize for being rude and express interest in being his friend. Do not bring any romantic issues just yet. Good luck.

Was this my fault?

Sorry, but yes.

What would cause such a strong reaction from him?

Anytime you turn or maintain your back to an approaching person you're using body language to instruct them of your disinterest. Your friend's "look" would simply confirm any doubt in his mind of your stance, if he had any doubts at all.

This is not about the degree of his initial interest or how sensitive he is - he didn't even get the chance to get to know you - instead it's solely about your excuse of "bad things" (losing a loved one, depression, insomnia) to allow you to exhibit rude, unwarranted behavior towards another.

Considering the number of single, available, emotionally whole people in the world you'll find that most self-respecting people wouldn't be overtly interested in getting to know you after this display of condescension.

Like most, they'd walk away and find someone else to talk to.

If the situation were reverse... you spied a man you were interested in getting to know, and he turned his back to you and kept talking as if you weren't there, would you want to approach that man again?

I doubt it...

If someone blew me off like you did him, yes I think he was justified. What would you have felt like had he been the one to do this to you first? You were upset because he didn't want anything to do with you afterwards and basicly did the same to you.

If you ignore someone on purpose, you can not expect any different reaction from them.

Was this my fault?

Yes.

What would cause such a strong reaction from him?

The way you treated him.

My friend will be working with him for two days in a week. Either I go through her or I leave it up to fate to dictate what happens here.

Write a note and have your friend deliver it to him (via email, however you can). Explain things to him and put your number at the bottom asking him to call you so that you can apologize properly. Definitely write the words out yourself and do not rely on anyone else to convey how bad you feel (people have a way of not delivering it with the same sincerity when not personally involved).

How do I even go about bridging this gap here?

Put the ball in his court and let him decide if he can move beyond the anger he feels about your bad behavior.

Ladies…what am I missing here?

Nothing outside of the fact that you realized possibly too late how bad you behaved. The problem isn't what you're missing, it's your ability to accept that you possibly missed it.

Did my bad behavior cause this? At the time I didn’t mean it that way…..I got nervous because how intense my feelings were at such a bad time. Why NOW?

Again, you already know the answer to this. Yes, your behavior caused this. Definitely explain how silly you feel and how you wish you could go back and change your reaction.

Then….after that I confided in my guy friend who gave him a dirty look and my friend told me that he was too good for me especially due to my weight gain! K….that hit me where it hurt while I am in this rebuilding phase. It confused me even more about whether or not this man that I felt so strongly about could possibly feel the same way while I looked and felt sooooooo worn out. What the hell was my friend thinking by doing that and saying that?

Either he's not a friend or he did a really crappy job at trying to downplay the guy's feelings unintentionally insulting you in the process. Tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity to remove his foot from his mouth. If he doesn't he's no friend.

Could a guy really be that sensitive?

Okay, this question kind of irritated me, I'll be honest. Why is his sensitivity being called into question? You didn't like the same behavior towards you and the only difference is he's not pining over you, he's moved on. Seriously, there's nothing sensitive or insensitive in his reaction. He obviously liked you, you made him feel bad, he moved on. The issue again isn't him or his reaction or his sensitivity...it's your reaction to the rejection.

How can I fix this and at the same time finish what I need to do on my own?

Again, I'd send a letter. It gives you the opportunity to apologize and explain yourself and makes it more personal. Have your friend hand deliver it to him. Leave your number at the end and ask him to call so you can apologize properly. If he doesn't call you, you will need to accept that he's no longer interested regardless of the initial interest he showed you.

Don't let this one situation have more weight in your life than it deserves. Everyone behaves badly towards someone else at some time in their life. Apologize for the bad behavior, accept that you can not force them to accept it, and move on chalking it up to a lesson learned.

Continue doing things to improve the way you feel about yourself and know that's all you can do. If this great guy doesn't happen, I assure you another great guy will find his way to your door. Just don't slam it in his face. ;)

Yes, it was your fault. Look at how you are acting when he did the same thing to you-hurt, dumbfounded, etc. You have to imagine he felt exactly the same way-the only difference was HE did nothing to justify it.

I agree with Angel completely. If you really want to give this one last ditch effort, write the guy a note, send it with your friend and let fate take over from there. If he doesn't respond, chalk this up to a lesson learned-just because you are having a difficult time in your life, does not give you license to treat people like crap and expect them to just forgive you.

Hi,

Rejection is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person man or woman. I cant tell you whether he is a sensitive person or not, but I can definitely tell you that you rejected him, it hurt and he thought that you were not worth his time.

I would try and check whether he has a girlfriend or not before I do anything. If he is a friendly person as you say who is open with people then your friend will find out soon enough cause he will share this information. If he has a girlfriend then I would drop it. If he doesn't have a girlfriend then do have your friend deliver a note to him as others have suggested.

Your feelings in my opinion are disproportionate to what has happened. You didn't have a chance to become friends or anything and so this situation shouldn't have hurt as badly as it does now.

My advise would be to try and put things in perspective. Ok, you made a mistake, you were rude and you know it, stop beating yourself up because trust me it does not help one bit with your low self-esteem. It actually makes you feel even worse, makes you avoid people and become closed up and defensive and will not change the situation. Focus on solutions!!! Write that note and see what happens and use this as an opportunity to NOT make that silly mistake again with the next great guy that comes along.

My therapist always advised me to NOT put all my eggs in one basket when I was plagued with low self esteem. The aim is to meet people (as many people as possible) to get over this "talking to a great man" phobia that most of us have. I think it was a wonderful advice because you not only learn people skills but you also don't feel like it is the end of the world when ONE encounter doesn't go as planned.

I wish you good luck

ayla

I would try and check whether he has a girlfriend or not before I do anything. If he is a friendly person as you say who is open with people then your friend will find out soon enough cause he will share this information. If he has a girlfriend then I would drop it. If he doesn't have a girlfriend then do have your friend deliver a note to him as others have suggested.

No he is single. I have spent quite a few hours talking to him on breaks. We were in the oilfields and if the plant shuts down there is nothing to do.

Thanks Ayla...I needed to hear some good advice. Strange how when you make an idiot out of yourself you learn so much. It would seem I have some growing up to do and a few tweeks to make myself into a person I can really be proud of.

difficult time in your life, does not give you license to treat people like crap and expect them to just forgive you.

Come on...we have alll had bad days where we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or get snap at people when we are crabby. I didn't see it that way at the time. I saw it as me getting insecure and baffled for words or confidence. If everybody just dismissed every single person that did that at some point there would be nobody around.

Again, I'd send a letter. It gives you the opportunity to apologize and explain yourself and makes it more personal. Have your friend hand deliver it to him. Leave your number at the end and ask him to call so you can apologize properly. If he doesn't call you, you will need to accept that he's no longer interested regardless of the initial interest he showed you.

Don't let this one situation have more weight in your life than it deserves. Everyone behaves badly towards someone else at some time in their life. Apologize for the bad behavior, accept that you can not force them to accept it, and move on chalking it up to a lesson learned.

Continue doing things to improve the way you feel about yourself and know that's all you can do. If this great guy doesn't happen, I assure you another great guy will find his way to your door. Just don't slam it in his face.
Yesterday 03:05 PM

Thanks Angel...I needed to hear that as well.

If the situation were reverse... you spied a man you were interested in getting to know, and he turned his back to you and kept talking as if you weren't there, would you want to approach that man again?

Most definitely I for sure would. I would ALWYAS ask somebody before jumping to conclusions based on my perspective. I would most certainly give somebody the benefit of the doubt. Not in a combative sense, but in a you never know what somebody else is thinking. I spent enough hours sitting there talking to him to feel like I would have deserved the chance to just explain I was nervous. That I wasn't playing stupid games.

I might send a note with my friend. Now that I see it from his POV though I realise how bad it really looked. It just sort of makes me sad that it was really just a mistake and it wasn't intended the way it came off. Still....live and learn

Thanks everybody. You gave me alot to think about and I appreciate the time you took.

wary (see even my name says it best!):rolleyes:

Come on...we have alll had bad days where we say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or get snap at people when we are crabby. I didn't see it that way at the time. I saw it as me getting insecure and baffled for words or confidence. If everybody just dismissed every single person that did that at some point there would be nobody around.

Not everyone handles their pain (of any kind) by lashing out at others. Most of us just become a bit introverted, lothargic, or smile less than usual, hoping for comfort by those who care.

Beating people over the head with sticks always results in a poor social life.

Not everyone handles their pain (of any kind) by lashing out at others. Most of us just become a bit introverted, lothargic, or smile less than usual, hoping for comfort by those who care.

Exactly...and that is just what I did. I got quiet and seriously introverted because of the time. I didn't lash out....i just got QUIET. Like it or not I know some people who get equally offended by that type of response as if somebody snapped at them.

It's a matter of sometimes taking the time to understand what somebody else might be going through and asking them before jumping to the worst case scenerio, or at least letting them explain themselves.

I wasn't playing game or any kind of manipulation. All the time we had spent together was just us in that time. Then he came over...then his friends...then what my friend did made me even more uncomfortable and embarassed.

I maybe didn't handle this all that well. That is undeniable.

I met him...liked him...and felt really connected with him. I don't know what it was I just know it was there and I disliked the fact that due to whatever blame game it may never know it's potential and that to me is sad because I really felt like I knew we would be special via friend or not.

To me this is all just a mistake and to not give something a chance...I dunno that seems pretty harsh. I see his POV more now....but...

I got quiet and seriously introverted because of the time. I didn't lash out....i just got QUIET.

I would disagree. You saw him coming, yet remained with your back to him. From his point of view that is a clear signal that you were ignoring him. Your other friend glaring at him would only further that.

And, as a guy, I would probably do something fairly similar to what he has done afterwards, i.e. not give you the time of day.

I agree that if you want to sort this out with him then sending him a personal letter apologising and explaining it from your side. Don't try to justify it to him too much though.

I would disagree. You saw him coming, yet remained with your back to him. From his point of view that is a clear signal that you were ignoring him. Your other friend glaring at him would only further that.

And, as a guy, I would probably do something fairly similar to what he has done afterwards, i.e. not give you the time of day.

I agree that if you want to sort this out with him then sending him a personal letter apologising and explaining it from your side. Don't try to justify it to him too much though.

Concise and to the point, Rob, and I agree.

Wary, I'm not sure why you chose not to acknowledge him when he approached you and your friend. Also, not sure why you didn't call to him to join you when he turned away, and it also seems as if you didn't ask your friend why he gave the guy a dirty look. Also wondering why you didn't make more of an effort to apologize when you ran into the guy later and he was being short. Perplexing but I'm not really asking for answers; just suggesting that you ponder the whys.

Angel and Ayla made very good points about not giving this situation too much weight, especially at this trying time in your life.

Not everyone that we feel a connection with is meant to stay in our life forever. Sometimes God/The Universe brings someone in when we need them. Sometimes, it's for our own support. Sometimes, it's to teach us something. Sometimes it's both.

Wary, when we're going through stressful times, we might find ourselves behaving in a way that we might not in regular times. Or we might not be as aware of how others are interpreting our behavior as we might normally. Cut yourself some slack but still try to learn something from this situation. I do have to say that if I were in his shoes and a guy that I thought I had a connection with treated me the way you treated him, I'd probaby write the guy off as not being worth my efforts.

As Rob said, you don't need to justify your behavior but perhaps offering him an explanation would make you feel better about the situation, and it might make him feel less bad about the situation.

If the situation were reverse... you spied a man you were interested in getting to know, and he turned his back to you and kept talking as if you weren't there, would you want to approach that man again?

I doubt it...

Sorry , i have to agree here, how would you feel? You should stop thinking about it and just go to him and tell him sorry for doing that , if you connection was that strong he'll come around.

I was a little confused at first - I thought maybe you didn't realise he was behind you and ignored him accidentally. But you snubbed him on purpose, and you don't understand why he would be hurt and angry?

It's too bad that he came along at such a difficult time for you. We can't always be pulled together and ready for everything life throws our way. I myself don't believe in fated relationships. You'll meet someone else, and it will work because you are both in a place that enables you to make it work. It sounds like this particular ship has sailed and you need to learn from it, be grateful that you are feeling stronger and healthier, and move forward.

Rob...good suggestion

I sent the letter with my friend. I kept it short and apologised. I also told him how happy I was to meet him, and enjoyed our conversation.

That was it. I didn't suggest furthering the relationship or anything of the sorts right now. I'm sure I can squeeze my way back up there in the fall when the new pilot opens.

Hopefully he will still be around, and these things seem better sorted out face to face.

Again..hopefully by then I will have pulled myself together more and be open to new friendships and relationships.

I have a good feeling about this.....so we will see

Thanks for the help people