hello to everyone!

Hi everyone! I am new here and would like to tell my story and get some feedback from those who are in the same boat. I have this friend that I've known for several yrs. Recently things have become alittle serious between us. I am a 34 yr old female and he is 69. I kind of knew something was there, but as soon as we kissed, I was sure. I told him that age is just a number and it does not bother me at all (besides he acts my age anyway). He on the other hand has some problems with it. He says to me that people are going to think that you're crazy. I told him that I don't care what people think. Besides I do resemble that remark anyway!
See, he just lost his wife of 50 yrs last year. I can absolutly understand why he would be hesitant to start a new relationship. He needs to heal and I told him that I will be there for him to help him. I told him that we don't need to jump into anything serious and I am not asking for a comittment. All we need to do is have fun, enjoy each other and what ever happens, happens.
He can't look into my eyes without going crazy. He always says stop, don't do this to me.
He is confused and I feel bad for him. But I long to kiss him and miss him when we're apart. What can I do?

Hello hides73!

I don't mean to be blunt but it sounds to me like you are describing lust. Now please, before you take offense, I just want to gently suggest that perhaps you slow things down a bit. I don't believe there is anything wrong with the age gap, but I would encourage you to slow down with the physical piece, get to know each other better emotionally, before you take it to another level. This man was married for 50 years! This can work, but I think if you move too fast, you could be setting yourself up for disaster.

I do wish you the very best. Welcome to Ageless!

I would encourage you to bring him to this site and let him see first-hand how many YW are not just happy, but thrilled, with their OM and that while your age gap is large it's not unthinkable, wrong, or strange.

He's probably feeling guilty for having this strong attraction to you. The reasons could be few or many or a combination of things. While he is now single he may still feel that he would be betraying his wife if he pursued a relationship with you. He may fear her judgement (even though she's passed on). He may fear loving you and then dying leaving you crushed and alone. He may fear he will become sick and financially destroy you. He may fear that all he will do is ruin your life. The list goes on and on and honestly the best course of action is patience, persistance, and understanding as he works through all his fears.

And in the end, hides73, he may never be okay pursing the relationship with you. If that happens I hope that you will accept and respect his wishes and continue to enjoy what sounds like a very fulfilling friendship.

Be consistent as you've been thus far and, again, see if he'll open himself to the possibility of seeing relationships outside of the norm. Leave the site open and invite him to explore it, share stories of couples (famous and non-famous) in age gaps, buy books, whatever you think will help comfort him and let him know it's not only okay to move on, but it's okay to move on with a much younger woman. And I emphasize this because he needs to remember that while you are several years younger you are his equal and can make a sound choice over who you deem to be worthy of your time. For however long that may last none of us are guaranteed regardless of age. We are mortal at 30 as much as we are at 70.

Just be patient...and welcome to Ageless. :)

You've received great advice so far. I'd just like to add that your friendship makes this relationship more likely to succeed. Give him the time and the space he needs to make a decision about what he wants to do with the emotions he has for you. My age gap is 30yrs and while my fiance never voiced any doubts, he told me that in the early stages he wondered if he was crazy. He said he wrestled with many issues. In the end, he worked it out on his own and realized that what we had was too unique to let go due to fear of the unknown.

Try to lessen the romantic aspect of the relationship and do things that friends do without the physical. For example, rather than cozying up on the couch watching movies, go to the cinema; in other words spend time in settings that might inhibit sensual physical contact. Just let him know that there's no pressure and enjoy each other's company.

Thanks for taking the time to reply! Everyone has good advice. I'll keep you posted.

Hello everyone. Just wanted to let you know that we went to dinner Sat. and had a long talk. I guess it all comes down to him needing time to heal and deal with his consternation. I totally respect his wishes. I do find it hard to be next to him without touching him though. I have to tell myself ,"BEHAVE yourself hides!" Not only sexually, but with any kind of affection. I do adore him, I will not deny that, but it only makes it harder. When I'm with him the whole world just disappears. It feels so good.

I often think that I should try to avoid these feelings and him so we don't end up hurting each other. Maybe that would be the best thing to do right now...

Wow Angel, I really liked your comment about..."he needs to remember that while you are several years younger you are his equal and can make a sound choice over who you deem to be worthy of your time. For however long that may last none of us are guaranteed regardless of age. We are mortal at 30 as much as we are at 70."

Anyway, time will tell. I'm glad I have you guys who understand.

Oh Yeah... and I did invite him to this site and even gave him my screen name.

Here's a poem I want to dedicate to my OM. This is what his kiss does to me.


A kiss can say so many things
it can send shivers down your spine
A kiss can make you forget the world exists
A kiss can magically make you blind

A kiss can make the time stand still
A kiss can make you fly
A kiss, it can work just like any drug
it has the power to make you high

A kiss can make your knees get weak
A kiss can brighten up your day
A kiss can give you butterflies
it takes all your stress away

A kiss can make you go 'round the world
in just a blink of an eye
A kiss can take your breath away
it can happily make you cry

Now you see all a kiss can mean
and there's just one thing left to do
and that one thing
is a kiss from me to you!!

Well, It has been awhile since I've seen him, but we did talk on the phone. He did say that he has a good time when we're together but the next couple of days afterwards are hard for him. He gets really emotional and even cries.

I know he's in a lot of pain and misses his wife terribly. If I could I would take some of his pain away so he wouldn't have to feel it. I feel so bad for him. I do understand what he's going through, and I let him know that.

I hope it's not too selfish for me to say that I miss him. I miss his kiss... I cannot turn my feelings off. All I can do is let him know I'm here for him.

:confused:

:hello3: Just a little Hello!

How are things going with your OM? I hope, for both your sakes, that he's getting over his doubts and reluctance about the age difference. Finding a real connection is so important, and so difficult, that I don't think anybody should turn down the possibility simply because of what other people might say.

hope things are getting better for you it is sad what happened to him but that is just a part of life and its difficult to deal with and you seem like a wonderful women so hopefully it will all work out for you and him

How are things going with your OM? I hope, for both your sakes, that he's getting over his doubts and reluctance about the age difference. Finding a real connection is so important, and so difficult, that I don't think anybody should turn down the possibility simply because of what other people might say.



Thanks for taking the time to post. To him the age difference is sort of an issue, but his real isssue, of course, is that he lost his wife one year ago and feels guilty when he spends time with me. To me the age difference isn't an issue.

I totally agree with you. Finding that real connection is so important and very-very difficult. I told him that these feelings don't come along often, and no one in a long time, has made me feel like he does.

Thanks again- It is very nice to meet you!

hope things are getting better for you it is sad what happened to him but that is just a part of life and its difficult to deal with and you seem like a wonderful women so hopefully it will all work out for you and him


Thanks so much for the positive thoughts shatteredsoul. I would really like for things to work out. He means a lot to me.

I wish I could be so lucky. Keep up the good work and you'll net him. The wagons that he's circling are flimsy and permeable by your "attacks" (for want of a better word). The fact that he says you're crazy, rather than say - get lost - means that you have an effect on him. Keep slinging those Cupid arrows his way and his wagon train will buckle.

I wish I could be so lucky. Keep up the good work and you'll net him. The wagons that he's circling are flimsy and permeable by your "attacks" (for want of a better word). The fact that he says you're crazy, rather than say - get lost - means that you have an effect on him. Keep slinging those Cupid arrows his way and his wagon train will buckle.

Thanks so much, pasquali. ;)

I totally agree with Pasquali. FWIW, I know a couple who have nearly your age difference (maybe every bit of your age difference if he's a few years younger than you think). They met when they were both significantly youger than the two of you, but they've had many happy years together, and although it's obvious there's a very big difference in ages, they seem perfect for each other. Even if you don't have as many years together as they've had, every day that you have a relationship with somebody to whom you're really connected is precious.

As far as him feeling somehow "disloyal" to his wife if he enters into a relationship with you, I hope he can overcome those feelings. I've made it clear to my wife that if I should predecease her, I would hope that she finds someone else with whom she could be happy. If your guy and his wife had as good a relationship as it sounds like they did, I'm sure she would feel the same way, and just want him to be happy.

One suggestion: I hope you've made it clear to your guy that you know you can never replace his late wife, and that you aren't trying to do so, but that you think you should enjoy what YOU can have together. I think many people who've had a loving, long-term marriage are reluctant to enter into another relationship because they're unwilling to "throw off" the memories of their previous relationship, and they incorrectly think that's what's required to enter into a new relationship. I know an older couple who were both widowed, and although they don't have as big an age difference as you do, the wife is 10-15 years younger than her husband. (She's probably about the age of your guy.) They're very affectionate with each other, and obviously deeply in love, but they both speak fondly of their first spouses. I think everybody who knows them silently cheered when they got together, because they're great people who are bringing happiness to each other, while recognizing that neither can replace the spouse with whom the other spent most of his or her adult life.

Best of luck to the two of you, and keep us posted on how things progress.

Well, all I can say is... I tried. I am too dangerous for him to be around because he knows what will happen. I make him very nervous. He's resisting so much and there's nothing else I can do.
I just feel so sad and confused. I really like him a lot, and these feelings keep getting stronger. I know in my heart that I could easily fall in love with him. But...what I need to do is move on and try to make these feelings go away.
Thanks for everyone's advice, it was nice to find a place that gave me a little hope for us.

That won't solve the problem of him feeling "disloyal" to his late wife, but it might convince him that the age difference isn't an insurmountable problem. And as for the "disloyalty" feeling, it's NOT disloyal. My late aunt had a very painful first marriage, but one in which she loved her husband greatly.

After many years of widowhood, she met a recently widowed man who, from all indications, had enjoyed a long and wonderful first marriage. They began spending time with each other, and were like two teenagers. It wasn't long before they married, and they were very happy together for 10 years or so. Sadly, although she was several years younger than him, my aunt died first. He remarried within a year, and everybody who knew him was happy about it, and he had several very good years with his third wife before he died.

If we're loyal to a spouse during our joint lives, that's all we've kept our marriage vows completely. When one spouse dies, the other is entitled to find happiness, and I'm convinced that somewhere, their deceased first (or subsequent) spouse is happy that they're not alone. It's really sad if he's going to condemn himself to a life of loneliness because of a mistaken attitude that to do otherwise is somehow to be "disloyal."

That won't solve the problem of him feeling "disloyal" to his late wife, but it might convince him that the age difference isn't an insurmountable problem. And as for the "disloyalty" feeling, it's NOT disloyal. My late aunt had a very painful first marriage, but one in which she loved her husband greatly.

After many years of widowhood, she met a recently widowed man who, from all indications, had enjoyed a long and wonderful first marriage. They began spending time with each other, and were like two teenagers. It wasn't long before they married, and they were very happy together for 10 years or so. Sadly, although she was several years younger than him, my aunt died first. He remarried within a year, and everybody who knew him was happy about it, and he had several very good years with his third wife before he died.

If we're loyal to a spouse during our joint lives, that's all we've kept our marriage vows completely. When one spouse dies, the other is entitled to find happiness, and I'm convinced that somewhere, their deceased first (or subsequent) spouse is happy that they're not alone. It's really sad if he's going to condemn himself to a life of loneliness because of a mistaken attitude that to do otherwise is somehow to be "disloyal."

You've made some very good points. I have invited him here, but I'm not sure if he actually visits and reads the posts. I know he used to. I wish he would get more comfortable with me and stop worrying so much. Life is too short and I believe if you enjoy being together, then that's all that should matter.

Does he actually think this is easy for me??? I can be just as nervous, but I allow myself to enjoy what makes me happy. But... I'm scared of the way I feel. It has been so long since someone has made me feel like he does. And knowing that I could easily fall in love scares the heck out of me. I long to be close to him, and I could kiss him forever.

Yes, I do realize that he might never get over his consternation. Also, he tells me to find a young guy because he is too old. He might never get over that, but why can't we just enjoy each other while we can? Oh well!

Hello. I spent time with him last night, and needless to say, it was great. We both agreed that there's no easy way out, and the longer it continues, the deeper the feelings will grow. Yes... pretty obvious, I know... But for him it's still the age difference that prevents him from ever seeing us together in a long term relationship.

The thing he needs to realize is that we don't chose who we fall in love with, even though I am attracted to older men. I didn't just wake up one day and say " Oh, he's 34 yrs older then me, I must start liking him now!" No, no, no...
Age is just a number and if it happened with someone younger, it would be the same.