Tough Night

I'm around here so infrequently that I feel like I need to re-tell my whole story every time I post. In a nutshell, I'm seeing a man 17 years my junior, who also happens to be my boss (no lectures on that part please). What started as a casual thing has developed into - well I'm not sure what it is at this point.

We spend most of our free time together at each others house or out with friends. Still we don't really say that we're "a couple" because of the work situation. Only one guy at work really knows because he happens to be in a relationship with an older woman too, and we all hang out together. On one hand we're very much out there as a couple, on the other I feel like a dirty little secret.

There are times when I feel like he is very much in love with me. He does things like bring me ice cream to make me smile, or take taxi rides across town in the middle of the night to see me.

Of course we have some of the same issues as others here, like me not wanting more kids or even getting married and him mentioning from time to time about having kids some day.

My main problem is that I basically don't know what we're doing anymore. I find myself caring for him more than I should. I find myself being jealous of women that are more in his age group - jealous to the point that I'm sure he is going to snatch one up and dump me.

And then there is the sex thing. We used to have hot sex several times a week, now we haven't had sex in over a month. It seems that nothing else much has changed in the relationship except that.

I've tried to approach him with a conversation about all of this, but I feel like I'll come across as desperate or something if I try.

So tonight, I sit here alone while wishing I was with him. He has called twice asking me to come over and I just can't find the words to tell him that I can't bear the thought of laying in bed with him another night with no sex, or worse yet, me trying to initiate sex and him not really being interested.

All I know is this - when there is no sex, there is something WRONG.

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions?

Contrary to popular myth...us men can NOT real minds...

If you like us? Tell us...
If you love us? Tell us...
If we piss you off? Tell us....

If you are unhappy about things? TELL US..

It's the old adage..."You can't fix (or even BEGIN to try to fix)...what you don't know is broken."

In other words...

TALK to him.

Talk? I knew someone would say that. I don't have a problem telling him when I'm pissed lol. I just don't know how to say all of the intimate things that make me so vulnerable.

Do you really think I need to point out that we haven't had sex in a month? Really?

Why doesn't he talk to me about what is going on?

We (meaning my gender)...are NOT always the most talkative bunch....

And sometimes? We are not cognizant of things around us...yes, even when it comes to sex and intimacy. And hey, there might be some mitigating circumstance...stress, tired/weariness....worry....etc...etc.

As to why he may not talk? Sometimes us guys just don't like to talk about things sometimes...other times? We don't want to necessarily burden you w/ the things that stress us out. It's usually got nothing to do with you...and all to do with us not wanting to worry or bother you.

As we all know, communication is a two way street. Okay, he's not doing it at this point. So...are you going to step to the plate? If you want to, then do so. If you're not? You might as well just walk away now because if NEITHER of you is going to try? Then it's futile and useless.

The last time he called Friday night I finally told him that I wasn't up for a night of laying in bed with him and not having any intimacy. He was disappointed I wasn't coming over, but didn't really give any explanation of current events.

We went out with friends last night to a restaurant close to my house so he came back here with me afterwards. We talked until wee hours of the morning about a bunch of stuff, but not about this particular issue. Finally this morning I just sort of blurted out "the" question - Do you just want to be friends now and end the sexual part of our relationship? His answer was no, that he did not want that. At that moment (and still now) that answer is sufficient. We had to get up and go to work so I wasn't interested in a big talk anyway.

I realize that now I'm going to have to talk to him more in depth about what is going on. I know that part of it is stress from work stuff and part of it is lack of opportunity/time. Still, I'm not going to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship that is lacking in sex permanently.

I am glad you are giving him an opportunity. Many things could produce his lack of desire. Health one of them.

I know it is frustrating but it happens.

Even if you do not have sex, try and have sexy moments, like a massage, ticling, snuggling, feet rubbing, kissing, etc. Let it flow, start and end without expecting full intercourse. It can be fun and stress free.

Sometimes my ym and I are closer because we don't have sex when we're together. We'll cuddle, snuggle, giggle about silly things and feed each other grapes or popcorn. And watch a silly movie like The Incredibles.

We don't feel the need to have intercourse every time we're together and yes, we've gone for over a month without but both of us said we were too tired at different times. The secret was neither one of us put any pressure at all on the other to "perform".

If anything, that has made us even closer together because now we both feel very safe around each other.

I think I'm about done. Tonight will be the LAST night I approach sex. I haven't said a word the last couple of times we were together and still nothing. I know he is off work early and going home. I'm going to hint/suggest a sexy evening together and if he balks, I'm done. We'll work well together and be friends but no more sleep overs and I'll start dating again. I can't take anymore rejection.

I know most of you will think I've lost my mind, but since my divorce I've been of the mindset that if it isn't working, cut your losses and move on.

All you can do is go in and let the chips fall where they may. Find your information and then make an informed choice. Dragging it out is not going to make you feel any better, will it.

He's already told you he wants kids at some point, so you already know he's going to leave at some point anyway.

But yes, find out where you stand and then go from there.

Paris

We (meaning my gender)...are NOT always the most talkative bunch....

And sometimes? We are not cognizant of things around us...yes, even when it comes to sex and intimacy. And hey, there might be some mitigating circumstance...stress, tired/weariness....worry....etc...etc.

As to why he may not talk? Sometimes us guys just don't like to talk about things sometimes...other times? We don't want to necessarily burden you w/ the things that stress us out. It's usually got nothing to do with you...and all to do with us not wanting to worry or bother you.

As we all know, communication is a two way street. Okay, he's not doing it at this point. So...are you going to step to the plate? If you want to, then do so. If you're not? You might as well just walk away now because if NEITHER of you is going to try? Then it's futile and useless.

Tis true. Sometimes we don't speak much. Like when I call my friends unless it's a chick then it's sorta like this, "Hey, biznatch wuts up?" 'Not much dude what's up?' "Bored.." 'heard that, I'm just chillin' "You call Wes?" 'Nah, I texted in but he's chopping firewood for the furnace and said he'll text me back later.' 'If you want to though, I'm off and you can chill at my place for a while.' "K, I'll be over in a few minutes." 'Ok man, see ya then.' "Later." *hang up*

That's a conversation between guys. Completely based on information. That's what a guy normally communicates over.