help

I am in a longterm relationship, we have been together for over 10yrs
I am a good 10 yrs older than him, I have always wondered in the back of my mind will he still love me when I start showing my age but we are such a good match I never really thought it would matter.

last november something happened that changed my level of security and I can't get past it. It has been discussed to death between us and even so he never admitted to doing anything wrong. tell me what you think about this

like i said it happened one day last november, it was at work we work at the same place. a girl who works with us was upset one day and she was crying I asked if she was ok and she said yes and said she didn't wont to talk about it so I left it at that. at break time i told my boyfriend about it he seemed very concerned about it and wanted to know more about it than i could tell him because i didn't know. well right before it was time to go back from break she came out side (we took break outside to smoke) she walked to the wood line and stood under a tree there. me and my boyfriend wondered what she was doing, she never went outside, because she don't smoke. well the bell rang and we all went back inside she did to. my boyfriend was still asking me questions about her that i didn't know then we looked up and she was standing across from us on the other side of the conveyor line. he stopped talking to me in mid sentence walked around the line to her put his hand on her shoulder and said are you all right sweerheart.....to this day I am haunted by those words. when i finally got over the shock I asked him if he planned on calling her sweetheart again, he said no then said when did i do that then said he wouldn't call her that again then said he didn't call her that. he said he called her speedy because she worked slow we fought about it for a few weeks he denied it and even yelled at me( he did say he was sorry for yelling) even though i heard him plainly he swore up and down it never happened that i was hearing things, but finaly after a while he said he trusted my judgment and if i said he called her sweetheart then he must have and that he was sorry and wouldn't' do it again.
what kind of apology is that any way ever since that day i have not been the same and to say the least our relation ship is weak now i have lost my trust and confidence
what do you think i am having a hard time with this i have been watching him at work now ever since this happend and i see him talking to other girls but he never say's a word about them talking i ask him and he said i don't remember talking to her why would he talk to them and never say anything to me about what they were talking about he claims it is because he couldn't remember because it was not important i have lost my confidence and trust how can i get past this, if he would just be open about talking it wouldn't bother me a bit but it is like he goues out of his way to keep me in the dark
help

I may have a different take on this, but I've never been one to get worked up over stuff like this. If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you...if they don't, they won't. Worrying about it won't change it and he honestly doesn't seem to be obssessing on this girl or anything....in fact, YOU are the one maybe making it into a bigger deal than it is. From what I read, he didn't seem to do anything wrong, he reassured you it was no big deal, and it really shouldn't be that big a deal....

My ex calls most women honey. He called me baby. I knew honey was his endearing term for any woman he was showing concern for who wasn't me....it was weird after we split up to hear him call ME honey! :p But that's his way of speaking, and I would rather he be caring towards people, women or men, than callous or uncaring....

If you can't let go of something this small, I don't know how you could ever REALLY trust anyone. But that's just me.....I don't see anything in your post that screams red flag other than possibly you being overly jealous, which is a pet peeve of mine and would bother me more than what your s/o did...:o

Take care, hope you are able to work through this and have a happy relationship with someone who obviously cares enough to stick around for 10 years!!! :)

This happened in November and you are still obsessing over it?

I agree with Eponavet...

You are obsessing over this way too much. I don't see anything he did wrong. He showed concern for a co-worker. I think human compassion is a good quality. I see jealousy as a destroyer of relationships. Has he given any indication that he has cheated on you? Your insecurities are going to cause problems if you don't get a handle on them.

Your man must be a hell of a man if the greatest cause of concern you have had in 10 years is that he calls someone sweetheart once to comfort her. Please, do not ruin your relationship over something so minor.

Just the other day Obama got in trouble for calling a reporter "sweety". Same thing.

Hi,

If your boyfriend called her "sweetheart" in front of you, then it probably means nothing. It just came out the wrong way. Perhaps he felt sorry for her but if there was something going on between them (or any other woman) trust me you would have noticed. I think you are worrying too much about something very small. You can't watch his every move because he will start feeling stiffled. Let it go and concentrate on making this relationship work. At the end of the day as others have mentioned you can't keep a person that doesn't want to be with you. Worrying will just make you feel horrible and he will feel like he cannot be trusted which is not a good thing. You seem to be in a great relationship (you haven't mentioned any other problems) so enjoy it!!

ayla

thanks for your support
I do not want to ruin my relationship of 10yrs that is why i am trying to get help here. I understand how compassion for others shows a person has a good heart, but this is not the norm; for his character. my greatest concern about him is that he lies to me about talking to other girls saying he don't do that when i see him doing it. don't get me wrong i don't have a problem with him talking to other girls at all, and i have told him this i have a problem with him talking to them and lying and telling me he didn't and doesn't do it. to me it seems he must be up to something even if it is Innocent flirting. i am completely honest with him about every thing i say to men and what they say to me even when it is about how good looking they say i am, to asking me out. and the word sweetheart is not a word in used in our relationship ever that is not until that happened then he started calling me sweetheart and i made it clear to him he is not allowed to call me that because of what happened. my man is a rugged sportsman,

but hear lately he has become concerned about his looks, what he wares and even lays out to get a tan. these may seem like normal things to most people but like i said not for him. why would he lie to me about talking to other girls if he is not up to something, and the red flag to me was the day he called her sweetheart, untill that day i never worried about him talking to other girls. i have a good heart to but when (sweetheart) told me she didn't want to talk about it i left it alone. i told him that she told me she didn't want to talk about it so what gives him the right to tear himself away from me in mid sentence run to her side put his hand on her shoulder and ask her if she is ok sweetheart then lie about it scream at me saying he didn't say theat when i heard him, then instead of admitting to it just say i trust your judgement if you say i did that then i did. if there was no alteritive reason for this then it seems to me he would not have had a problem with just saying im sorry if i upset you i was just cocerned and wan'ted to help, not your crazy i didn't say that and yell at me about it. i don't understand, why he would haft to deni something that he said and yell at me saying i am crazy that never happend if it was innocent

thanks for your support
I do not want to ruin my relationship of 10yrs that is why i am trying to get help here. I understand how compassion for others shows a person has a good heart, but this is not the norm; for his character. my greatest concern about him is that he lies to me about talking to other girls saying he don't do that when i see him doing it. don't get me wrong i don't have a problem with him talking to other girls at all, and i have told him this i have a problem with him talking to them and lying and telling me he didn't and doesn't do it. to me it seems he must be up to something even if it is Innocent flirting. i am completely honest with him about every thing i say to men and what they say to me even when it is about how good looking they say i am, to asking me out. and the word sweetheart is not a word in used in our relationship ever that is not until that happened then he started calling me sweetheart and i made it clear to him he is not allowed to call me that because of what happened. my man is a rugged sportsman,

but hear lately he has become concerned about his looks, what he wares and even lays out to get a tan. these may seem like normal things to most people but like i said not for him. why would he lie to me about talking to other girls if he is not up to something, and the red flag to me was the day he called her sweetheart, untill that day i never worried about him talking to other girls. i have a good heart to but when (sweetheart) told me she didn't want to talk about it i left it alone. i told him that she told me she didn't want to talk about it so what gives him the right to tear himself away from me in mid sentence run to her side put his hand on her shoulder and ask her if she is ok sweetheart then lie about it scream at me saying he didn't say theat when i heard him, then instead of admitting to it just say i trust your judgement if you say i did that then i did. if there was no alteritive reason for this then it seems to me he would not have had a problem with just saying im sorry if i upset you i was just cocerned and wan'ted to help, not your crazy i didn't say that and yell at me about it. i don't understand, why he would haft to deni something that he said and yell at me saying i am crazy that never happend if it was innocent


Maybe he lies because he knows you can't handle the truth! Why would you ask him if he speaks to other girls? That to me spells deep insecurities and he knows this so he probably avoids an argument by lying. If you look hard enough for something then you will most certainly find evidence to support your theory and if it is not conclusive evidence then you will eventually drive you and your partner crazy.

This works for me when I feel insecure: If he wants to cheat he will cheat and there's absolutely nothing I can do to prevent him from doing so. Therefore there's no point worrying that he's going to cheat. If he cheats, then that's another matter altogether, but I won't go looking for signs that he's cheating, because the evidence will present itself eventually.

Although my fiance is 30yrs older many yw and ow are attracted to him, so I do have some insecurities but I try to hold onto the above thought process and trust that he will do the right thing.

Don't torture yourself anymore.

My husband works in an office that is 60% males, 40% females. If I expected him to never speak to other females, it would be my problem not his. He would never remember every conversation he had with another female. Heck, there are times he doesn't remember conversations we have had. :rolleyes:

I can feel the 'fear' in your words.

Try to relax, don't question him constantly. Show him the confident you - the woman that understands that the two of you have had a good relationship for 10 years. Concentrate on all the good in your relationship. Focus your attention on that.

Maybe he lies because he knows you can't handle the truth! Why would you ask him if he speaks to other girls? That to me spells deep insecurities and he knows this so he probably avoids an argument by lying. If you look hard enough for something then you will most certainly find evidence to support your theory and if it is not conclusive evidence then you will eventually drive you and your partner crazy.

I agree with GC

By the way, after your post, the replies you got, and your 2nd post, what kind of help do you expect to get here?

Do you want us to tell you to beware that all signs point to him cheating or getting ready to cheat? You do not need us to tell you that, you are already telling that to yourself.

If you ask for help here and you get advise telling you not to be insecure and over-react, then take it as it was intended, advise from people who do not know you, or your man, and can only opine based on our own experience, and what you post.

In my experience, people go through stages in their life, stages when they want to take better care of themselves. For example, right now I am on a diet after a few months of overeating, I want to get acrylic nails, for my hands to look feminine, and I bought a $21 bottle of some European shampoo to have silkier hair. This does not mean I am ready to cheat on my bf. It just means I want to look better.

I live in a country with tons of slim, young, boob-implant, sexy latinas and my bf is not blind. He looks at them, but then tell me, she is ugly, she has an ugly face... Ya right. I tell him I am not stupid that I know this or that girl is pretty but he just smiles and says -no, no, she is ugly. I leave it at that, maybe that is his personal way of showing respect. Who knows. :confused:

I know that he is with me now because he wants to be with me now, and that no matter how jealous I am, or how jealous I am not, this will not prevent him from cheating or leaving me if he wants to. Same case with me. We are not married, I can leave him for a wealthy, older man, who likes to dance and go to theater plays. :rolleyes:

Now, what is the point of you telling him that there are men who compliment you and want to date you? Just being honest? What do you gain with that? Feeling less insecure? I work in a business where I meet single or temporarily single men every day, and some make passes at me, but I do not report this to my bf, same as I do not report every single thing that happens to me in a workday.

Hun, I do not want to be harsh or beat you down. I just want you to take things as they come. Do not ruin your present with "what ifs". As any wise woman does, watch, observe, and file your concerns in a drawer with lock and key. One day bring out all the pieces from the drawer and see if there is a pattern in the puzzle, if not, back to the locked drawer. Do not make the examining of (real or imagined) evidence an everyday hobby of yours. It will drive you crazy.

Points up to what Goodchild says... Couldn't have said it better.

Jealousy tells us a lot more about ourselves than the other person. It is not a healthy or productive emotion. It is a destructive one. The more confident you are with yourself, the less jealous you will be. Only you can make it better. Nothing your SO does will ever be enough if you are not secure in yourself.

I wish you peace. It must be hard to always feel this way.

I might just add that you have to remember that there are always going to be other women who are going to be younger, slimmer, prettier, smarter, wealthier, more talented, better dressed, etc. The list may go on and on and on, so what would be the point of living if we cannot be the best of everything for the man we love... Think about it, it doesn't make sense.